This is a picture of the time my dad took me to a music festival. That’s right, my DAD. It was a festival hosted my Mumford and Sons and my favorite band was playing, Dawes. I bought two tickets, I didn’t even have anyone to go with! My dad stepped in and decided to come with me. The second day we spent on the beach at Seaside Heights, NJ. I don’t think I left our spot once that day. Then Mumford and Sons played for two hours, and it was honestly one of the best days of my life.
Okay, so I know it’s really hot other places, but the only heat I know really well, is the New York, Long Island heat. It’s making my crazy. Especially with COVID happening and I can’t get out and go somewhere and be in the air conditioning, I’m stuck in the heat. Right now I’m in my old room because it’s way too hot everywhere else and my boyfriend is sleeping in the air conditioning. So, I’m here where it’s cooler. The thing is though, that the heat can make me sick. It can give me migraines and make me feel like I’m going to throw up pretty much all day. No matter how much I hydrate, I feel sick. It’s the worst.
Today there’s going to be a high of 82. Now that may not sound bad compared to other places, but New York heat is that sticky, uncomfortable, just plain gross heat. I’m sticking to everything right now. My arms are sticking to my legs, my laptop is sticking to me, my legs are sticking to all the blankets. It’s not unbearable because I’m used to it. It’s just inconvenient.
I feel sick and it’s annoying because I never used to be like this. I used to take the heat in stride because I wasn’t blessed with having an air conditioner in my room. My room is on the same circuit as my parents so I could never have one. Once my brother moved out I could sleep in his old room if I wanted to sleep in the air conditioning. That wasn’t until I was in my 20’s though.
Okay, so my computer was about to die so I had to move back to the apartment. I’m really going to get my dose of the heat that I’m used to. I feel like I haven’t hydrated enough today. I know it’s only 10:40, but if I don’t start hydrating as soon as I wake up I’m done for. I’m going to take this opportunity to remind you to drink your water. Not only to stay hydrated, but it will help your body, and your skin will thank you. Trust me.
I’m not exactly sure where this post is going, but let’s just see where it takes us. I got another pair of shorts the other day and they have pockets! What a win. I’m out of hair ties though, so I’m going to have to go rummage in the depths of my hair drawer to find some. In the bathroom, where it’s also hot. My apartment is basically a sauna, unless I strategically place myself in front of a fan and a window and another fan. I also have to wear as few clothes as possible, so shorts and a tank top usually, and my hair has to be up. Because for goodness sake I need a haircut, very badly. Don’t get me wrong I love mt hair, but it’s thick and wavy and not summer friendly. Honestly, I’m ready to just chop it all off. I won’t, but it does need to be cut.
So, that’s how I’m feeling about the New York heat. I’ll be waking up my boyfriend soon because I need to be in the air conditioning.
I almost went back to bed this morning, but once I realized that it wasn’t 80 degrees in the living room, I jumped at the chance to make a cup of hot coffee. I’m getting a cold brew maker today and I could not be more excited.
This is my alone time, so I figured I would take advantage of the quiet and try and write something. I have a post in mind, but it’s too early to get into that post. So I’m going to do a quick like 3 week, weekly wrap-up.
I’ve spent most of my time mourning and being sad. I cried a lot at first, but that stopped and now I’m just sad. Time is moving so slowly because I feel like it happened so long ago, but it’s been less than a month.
I keep saying I should write down things that happen in my week, but I don’t, then I forget what to write in the weekly wrap-up. I mean, that about sums up my weeks. I haven’t really been loving things because I’ve just been doing random things to distract myself and pass the time, I haven’t really been consistent with anything.
So I’m going to write somethings I’m excited for:
- New Headphones: I’m not sure if I posted the post where I said that my boyfriend says I’m where electronics come to die. Well, he is also tired of me having cheap headphones that constantly break. My train of thought is, if I keep breaking them why buy expensive ones. Anyway, I found a pair of Skullcandy ones that would be perfect for me. They’re coming today! The reason I wanted them was because you can track the individual earbuds with tile. Goodness knows I am constantly losing my wireless headphones. So, I’m just very excited.
- Sailor Moon Lip Gloss- I love makeup so much. I also love Sailor Moon. So when Colourpop released a Sailor Moon collection and I was like NEED. It sold out in just a few minutes though. So when they restocked I knew I needed to get something, and I did. I got the one thing I wanted, which was the single lip gloss named Moon Tiara. I love lip gloss and I can’t wait for that.
- Mini Avocado Eye Shadow Palette- I’ve been obsessed with getting this one mini, green eye shadow palette. I got it. I haven’t used it yet, but I’m so excited to live my best green eye shadow life.
- Salem!- We booked a trip to Salem for the middle of July. It’ll be nice to get away for New York for a little while. We don’t have anything planned which is fine with me.
- Birthday!! I still don’t know what I’m doing for my birthday yet, but I’m so excited. I’ll figure it out between now and August. I just like to have something planned.
- Zoom memorial- We’re doing a zoom memorial for my grandma and I’m looking forward to actually talking about her and her life and just everything.
This is just a few things that I’m looking forward to. It’s the small things that matter.
As you all know I’m pretty open about my treatment and my Bipolar I diagnosis. I don’t always go into the exact medications I take. I also speak openly about my issues with migraines and how I’ve attempted to treat them and I think I should tell you about what I found that works for my migraines. Disclaimer: Let me make this clear, I do not use this migraine treatment as a treatment for Bipolar or anxiety, that is extremely important to keep in mind.
Okay, so at the end of September I was prescribed medical marijuana for my chronic migraines. I live in New York where medical use is allowed, but only medical. I didn’t go to get this because I thought it would be cool to have access to marijuana whenever I wanted. I got it because I felt like I was out of options. My neurologist didn’t want to put me on another medication since I was already on so many for my Bipolar. We tried gammacore twice, if you want me to go more into that let me know and I can write a post about my experience. The migraines had become debilitating. I would get one and I could not do anything, I’d be stuck in bed in the dark. It had kept me from going to class or going to other doctors appointments. So, we decided to go an alternate route.
In my state everything related the medical marijuana is regulated. I had to get approved by a doctor then I had to go through a whole process to get the actual product. The dispensaries are no where near my house. So I had to drive 35 minutes to an hour depending on which one I went to. Then I had to fill out a lot of forms, even though I had already been prescribed it. Then the product is not what you would expect. It is considered a medication so it has to be heavily regulated. There are several types of ways it comes, none of which is the actual weed itself. It comes in a tincture, a solution, lozenges, and a few other ways, but those are the only ways it comes because there is no recreational use. If you go to a state where it is recreational you can get edibles, like chocolate or gummies.
My preferred way is a tincture. Which is then cut with CBD and diluted. So it doesn’t really get me high at the dosage I take. It doesn’t even matter because I’ve only taken small amounts to prevent or treat the migraines and it has helped.
Anyway, this is probably the only time I will mention this on my page, but I thought you should all know.
It’s early, like 5:20 am early. I got up to go to the bathroom and couldn’t fall back asleep, so right now it’s just me and Bruce. Also, when I woke up I saw that our motion sensor back porch light was on, which is very weird. It doesn’t usually get triggered by animals and I am not going to go investigate. Unless I get too hungry and have to go make waffles downstairs. I’m not there yet, but I’m sure it’ll happen. Actually, it’s fathers day, so I may hold out until my mom makes breakfast. We’ll see how much will-power I have.
Sometimes when I wake up early and decide today is going to be a “maybe” day, I feel a bit more relaxed than usual. Probably because I know I won’t be pushing myself to do thing after thing after thing. Also my dad just wants to do nothing for Father’s Day today. I kinda want to work out, but I also kind of don’t. On another note I just dropped my laptop. I’m not sure if I’ve ever written this, but according to my boyfriend, I am where electronics go to die. I don’t buy new or expensive electronics because they always break on me. I just made my first expensive headphones, I paid a whopping $77. I’m very frugal, so I really had to be pushed to order them, but I finally did, and I’m very excited.
I’m not really tired right now and I need to stay awake. I’ve fallen back into the pattern of falling back asleep on the couch after I wake up and come out the the living room. Well it’s a little while later and I worked out and fell asleep on the couch. I guess that could be considered balance.
It’s very warm in my apartment right now. The only air conditioner is in the bedroom and my boyfriend is sleeping so the door is currently closed. I’m in the living room with two fans trying to keep cool. I’m not very good in the heat because I get really bad migraines if i’m not careful, which I’m usually not. So the name of the game for the rest of the summer is to stay as cool as possible.
As usual I’m the first one up. I don’t even know when anyone else will be awake. I was thinking about going to sit outside and take in the fresh air. I did not do that though. I’m glad I didn’t because it is blazing out there. I mean, I’m not really much cooler where I am now, but still.
It’s that time of the week where I start adding random things to my birthday list. I love makeup, but that’s not all that I want, I can’t think of other things I want though. I want to get things that will better me and help me become better.
On a total other rant, I hate shopping for clothes online. For one reason being plus size it’s hard to find somewhere that sells clothes in my size in general. I can only order off torrid because that’s the only place where I’ve tried clothes on in person before. I don’t have the money for that. All I want is a pair of plain jean shorts that don’t cost an arm and a leg. I can’t order anything off amazon because I don’t know how it’ll fit and if it doesn’t not only will I feel bad about myself, but I’ll have to return them, which I’m not very good at.
Okay, it’s now Monday afternoon and I’m feeling slightly okay. I don’t really have a lot to say today so I figured I would just tack some Monday rambles on the tail end of my Sunday rambles post. It was 81 degrees in my living room this morning and all I had was a fan. I even worked out. It was way too hot to make regular coffee, so we ordered Panera and I got my cold brew, thankfully. I’m now feeling like more of a human, Anyway, I think I’ll do an actual post for today.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like i’m not operating at full human capacity. I feel all fuzzy and I’m not with it at all. I’m also very off balance. I’ve tried all the things I do for when I don’t feel like I’m operating at full capacity. Coffee, meds, shower, the usual. None of it helped. I feel like I’m at half capacity right now. The thing is though, do I even know what it’s like to operate at full capacity? What does my full capacity even look like? These are the hard hitting questions I’m asking myself so far today.
I mean I guess for me operating at full capacity is not feeling too, too anxious. Feeling like I’m productive and that I have energy for the day ahead. My morning routine actually happens, I’m not lazy. The thing is though, some days that’s not what my full capacity looks like. I would love if I could do and feel like that everyday. That’s my fantasy self. So, if that’s my fantasy full capacity, what is my actual full capacity? I suppose full capacity depends on the day, it could be any day where I feel like I have my life together after just 1 cup of coffee. It could be a day where all I do is get out of bed and shower. That could be considered full capacity for that day, because mentally and physically that’s all I could do.
The thing is though, that everyday I strive for the fantasy full capacity, but the more I strive for it and don’t get it done, I automatically feel like my full capacity will not be reached that day. I can’t strive for the impossible, I can’t constantly aim to be and act like my fantasy self. Because running at full capacity, means so many different things. The thing is though, if I keep trying to reach this version of myself that I’ve put up on a pedestal, and there’s no way for me to reach that self. Because she’s just things that I’ll never be able to be. She doesn’t deal with the constant mood swings that are my everyday life. She runs at full capacity everyday, she gets everything done without struggles and nothing seems too far out of reach. That is not an achievable goal, I don’t know how to reach that part of myself that I’ve put so high up.
Anyway, that was a tangent. Today I am not at full capacity and I’m not sure what to do. Like I said, I’ve done most of the things, but I didn’t exercise. Because as soon as my body feels that it’s not a full capacity day, it automatically messes up my balance and equilibrium. So all of me just feels off. I have to find a way to push through, because one of my two pairs of shorts is dirty, which means it’s a laundry day. If I can get the energy to get up and do it. i may just end up sitting on that couch all day, because that may be the full capacity for today.
I’m not sure what the rest of today holds and I may do a weekly wrap-up for later today, but I can’t make any promises.
I have a feeling that we all have issues with self-control, I know I do. It causes a lot of issues for me. I find it very difficult to have self-control when my anxiety is at a 7. I’ll do anything to feel better to get the anxiety to stop, so self-control really goes out the window. I’ll eat or I’ll cry or I’ll binge watch youtube. There are things that I need to be doing for self care that involve self-control. Also, my routine. We all know the push and pull I have with my routine. One day I’ll have it down and I’ll feel good for a little while. Another day I’ll just throw caution to the window and just not do any part of a routine. It fully is a struggle. So, my anxiety and my self-control go hand in hand.
I’m not sure if anyone else feels this way. When I’m less anxious my self-control is pretty solid. I don’t overeat because I don’t eat much to begin with, but I still eat more than usual. I have digestive issues so eating more than what the doctor said is not good. I know my self-control has gone out the window when I stop listening to my doctors. When I let go of my coping skills or just ignore them and not use them. I can’t let my anxiety control me though. I can’t let my self-control go out the window just because I’m anxious. I’m more anxious these days. I’m not sure if I wrote this but my psychiatrist told me that since most of my anxiety is caused by grief the most I can do is use my coping skills, take anti-anxiety meds if I need them and give myself time. To me, taking time gets boring after awhile, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still need it. So, giving myself time is part of self-control, I need to control myself that I’m not doing too much because I’m bored, because time is not something you can control. I don’t know how much time I’m going to need, but I’m going to need self-control to keep myself in check.
I also need to stop binge watching YouTube because it doesn’t help anything. I need to stop sometimes and listen to a podcast or something. My boyfriend is also here to keep my in check, but he shouldn’t have to do that. I should be able to do that. Those times he has to keep me in check and bring me back to reality have become lessened over the past month or so. To me that seems like progress. That I have enough self-control to take into account what he says and take it into account and put it into effect.
Self-control comes in many forms. It could be me having the self-control to let my anxiety be and relax even though I’m bored. It could be trying to keep on my routine. It’s really in everything I do.
It’s 7:42 in the morning and I’ve already worked out. Now I’m trying to decide if I want coffee or not. I mean of course I want coffee, but the question is, do I feel like making it myself? I need to go to CVS in a little while to get cat food and I could get coffee there. I don’t know. I’ll probably make it myself. I’m kind of sleepy I’m trying to stay awake though, which means i should probably make coffee. I’m just lazy. I’m also hungry, but I don’t feel like going downstairs to make what I want. I just realized that I can’t go to CVS until my boyfriend wakes up in case he needs anything. He is not a morning person, especially if he’s woken up and doesn’t wake up naturally. So, I guess I’m making myself coffee.
I feel like I’m exhausted, i’m not really sure why. I’ve been sleeping fine and waking up pretty consistently, maybe my body and mind are just tired and I have to accept that. I was so bored last night. Nothing was interesting, nothing was sparking anything inside of me. I hate being bored, but I’m also pretty lazy. I’ve been cleaning more though which helps make me feel better because the apartment isn’t a mess and stressing me out. Except my desk is a hot spot for junk. It’s got piles of books and journals and tons of pens. It’s like every time I clean it the next day it’s a mess because I’ll go looking for a book or I’ll actually be doing work and everything that I’m using will spread outwards. Then I’ll forget to put things back where they go. I have a post on how I attempt to keep things organized going up eventually.
Last Sunday I went to some protests with my mom, this week I have no idea what I’m doing. Maybe I’ll see what she’s doing, maybe I’ll just do some random things. Who knows. It’s 8:09 in the morning, no one is awake, I have no business attempting to plan my day right now. Also, I shouldn’t be doing that because I don’t know how anxious I’ll get through out the day. I don’t know what I’ll mentally be able to handle today. I don’t want to go out even though the state is basically open, because the virus isn’t gone. People stopped getting tested. In the states that have been opened the COVID cases have increased. Just because we’ve met the quota to get to phase 2, I have a feeling this isn’t over. I think a lot of people know this isn’t over. It’ll be what it’ll be though.
Now for something a little bit more trivial. Something that makes me feel better, for some reason, is to go on Sephora or Ulta and just scroll through the makeup. I’ll probably never buy most of it, but somehow it calms me down. I don’t always look for something in particular, but it helps. I love makeup. I haven’t been wearing it because of quarantine, and it makes me sad. I know I could just do it for the fun of it, which I should actually do. It’s something to do when I’m bored. Just put on a full face for no reason, sounds good to me. Anyway, since I’ve been working on my birthday list I’ve been going on each site almost everyday looking for things I may want. There are things I still really want to add to my collection, but I don’t really have an abundance of money. I’d rather save and splurge. Like save so much where I don’t mind buying enough things to reach free shipping and not freak out about it. I’m on my way there, but I’m not there yet. Hopefully soon though, but maybe not. We’ll see.
Anyway, hopefully you have a great Sunday filled with rest and productivity.
I know I’ve been inconsistent and I’m not going to lie and say that I will start being consistent soon, because I really don’t know. I’m still grieving and some days are better than others. I’m really trying to change my mindset in a lot of facets of my life. i know today is supposed to be a weekly wrap-up. Honestly though, I didn’t even realize today was Saturday. My anxiety is at about a 6 right now, but I’m trying very hard to not let it get to me, the anxiety I mean. I know it’s not easy to control anxiety, it usually works better to just let it consume me and just live with the anxiety. I’m trying to not be like that anymore. I’m trying everything I can think of to counteract the anxiety that’s trying to consume me. Nothing on tv is interesting me though. So I went with my good old podcasts. I have the feeling that I want to cry, but that really won’t help the situation.
I’m very bored, there’s a million things I could be doing, but I just don’t want to. I have this feeling that I have to be proactive and constantly be doing things. I’m not sure why I am that way. I really just want to be able to let the things that I can’t control go, and just focus on what I need during that time I use to heal. I just feel so lost. Nothing feels right, right now. My boyfriend has a new project he’s working on and I have nothing. I want to be able to throw part of myself into this blog, but I just feel like I don’t have it in me fully. I really want to though. So, if you have any tips about how to do that, please share. Because I have an abundance of time, I’m healing though. I can’t use that as an excuse or a crutch for everything though. Like I used my bipolar for a very long time. I didn’t accept it and take control, so I just used it as an excuse. I did that for way too long, because I started seeing myself as just being bipolar and that it defined me, but that’s not true. Bipolar is part of me, but that doesn’t mean I’ll let it define me.
I need to relight the fire I had inside myself. It’s dimmed to an ember, but it’s still burning, I just need to add fuel. I’m not really sure how to do that, but I’ll do it. Someway, somehow. I need to get my creative juices flowing. I feel like something will click and I’ll slowly start to feel inspired and better. Between bouts of extreme anxiety, hopefully I’ll feel like creating something, and the bouts of anxiety will become less extreme and things will slowly get back to an equilibrium.
I’m sorry about the unexpected hiatus. I’ve been mourning pretty hard the past week or so. I’m writing this at 6:20 in the morning. For some reason i felt like writing so I wanted to take advantage of it.
What’s been happening is that I’ve been consumed with anxiety. Like when I wake up, on a scale of 1-10, my anxiety is usually about a 7. It doesn’t really let up during the day either. So, basically to combat the anxiety I have to try and revamp my morning routine. Which I don’t want to do, but I need to. My mental health is the most important thing. If that means I need to change a few things then by all means I will. I’m cutting back from working out 6 days to 4 or 5. I’m just kind of changing random things to see if it’ll make things better. I’m not really sure what else to do. Today, i decided to have a snack when I woke up, with my water. We’ll see.
Another thing I’m doing is trying to change my mindset. I try to think, okay I feel bad, what do I need to do feel better? It’s more of an active way of approaching my anxiety rather than passive. Right now the answer is usually anti-anxiety medication and time. I’m so consumed with sadness that my body doesn’t know what to do and my anxiety kicks in. The only thing that heals a loss though is time. So, I try and find a distraction and relax.
Another way I’m trying to do is complain less. I’m constantly complaining about how bad I feel, like every hour. How is that being productive? If I just lay around and just keep thinking that I don’t feel well, I’ll get lost in my own head. That is not helpful at all and it’s very annoying. I’m not very good a looking at the big picture when I don’t feel well. Which is also not helpful. Since I’ve been trying to change my mindset things are kind of getting better. I feel better this morning so far, I mean, I’ve only been awake for 38 minutes, but usually by this point my anxiety would be a 7 and I’d be curled up on the couch under a blanket trying to control my breathing.
I’m going to make a to-do list today with like two things. I don’t want to overwhelm myself because that will trigger my anxiety. Let’s be real though, almost anything can trigger my anxiety. It’s more about how I handle it now. It’s about how much effort I put in even though I don’t feel well. It’s about trying and that has to be enough.