Panic, mania, anxiety, Oh My!

If any phrase could sum up my day it would be this. I spent the day battling anxiety, followed by mania, and finally a sense of panic. Followed by more anxiety. Also, stress on stress on stress. Most of the things I’m stressed about I have no control over, so it’s hard to deal with. Like fighting something that isn’t there. Eventually you have to give in and try and figure out why you’re fighting so hard. Usually because the answer is something you don’t want to hear. For me, it’s being told that all the things I’m stressing about, are out of my control. There is not one thing I can do except wait on other people and in one case trust my doctors and my body.

The mania was not fun, my mind started racing and I couldn’t stop the intrusive thought cycle. I was restless, you know the usual. Finally I’m feeling a bit better. I had some herbal tea, put on a podcast and of course xanax. Part of my issue is that I feel this constant need to do something. Like, I have so many books to read and shows I want to watch, that I don’t even know where to start. So, I panic about that. Literally the thing that matters the least. I get anxious about things that most people find relaxing. Probably because I’m horrible and even avoid making choices. As if I can make a wrong choice starting a book or a show and deciding that I don’t like it. If I don’t like it, then I have permission to stop. It’s as if I need to give myself permission to do things that other people just do, without thinking. I need to basically make a pro and con list about everything, then I like throw that pro and con list in the fire and watch makeup videos on YouTube. How is that a healthy cycle?

It’s not. A lot of the things I do are not healthy, as in mentally healthy. Also, I miss gluten. That has nothing to do with any of this, but watching people eat things my body rejects makes me feel pretty bad. My anxiety is back to being overwhelming. You know what I’m going to do? Probably Youtube, because I’m not very good at changing my habits or even truly recognizing that they’ve gotten to an unhealthy point. Which I feel like my YT watching has gotten to. I have a podcast on now, because that’s part of the things I want to do more of this year. I just need to be able to identify the unhealthy habit, figure out how to change it, then slowly implement those changes. I need to push past the anxiety in these situations, because the anxiety is uncomfortable, but keeping up with the habit will just make it worse. It doesn’t help how bored I am. I also can’t focus and a whole bunch of things just weigh me down.

The anxiety is so bad. I’m at a loss for words to explain why it’s so intense. I feel like crying, my chest is tight, every movement feels like I’m moving a mountain. I’m at a loss for what to do, I can’t focus. I try counting my breaths and doing breathing exercises, but nothing is making it better. My bf asks me what’s wrong and I can’t tell him because I don’t know. My mind is a jumbled mess. I just want to rock back and forth or bounce my leg. I’ve been trying to keep that under control. I know the possible solution to all of this could be mindfulness, but it’s not easy. I have all the help I need at my finger tips, I just don’t know how to use it.

Take Two

It’s the morning of January 2nd. I’m sitting on my uncomfortable couch with a giant mug of tea. Typing this to see if I can calm my anxiety a little bit. Yes, I’ve only been up for 45 minutes and my anxiety had already started. Don’t you hate that? There’s no sense of panic or dread, just little pangs of anxiety. I don’t want today to turn out like yesterday. Feeling horrible all day, being in a mood. Only worrying about myself and my feelings. It was not a good day.

I’m trying to find the little moments in life that make it better. One of them is not taking it for granted when your hot drink is at the perfect temperature. Which my tea is at right now. It’s hard to do though, because I’m always focusing on my symptoms and my internal feelings and monologue. Forgetting that there’s life outside of my mind. I can’t just sleep all day or lay in my bed all day, because that’s just giving me time to ruminate on my emotions. Well, the bad ones anyway.

Sometimes the anxiety is all consuming. Omg, I’m doing it in this post. I started being all like I want today to be better, but I’m starting to just fall into the anxiety hole. I do in fact want to be better all year, but I think I should just focus on being better today. I need to just deal with the emotions for what they are. I need to look into radical acceptance. I need to look into a lot of things. I want to learn more this year. So, I’m very excited for the semester to start, but it’s starting later than usual which is annoying. All my classes are online so I really need to hold myself accountable. Literally all I have to do is walk the 6 feel from my bed to my desk, heck I can even do it in my bed if I need to. So, I really have no excuses. I can even do it on my very uncomfortable couch. Which I’m hoping to get rid of at some point this year. I had my tea, but I’m still very tired and anxious, because tea is my morning anxiety band-aid.

I was never really a tea drinker, until I got my kettle for Christmas. I also, feel a migraine coming on, which is so much fun. I just want to crawl back in bed and go back to sleep, but that would be counter productive. So, I just turned the lights off, my computer brightness down and I just have to wait for my boyfriend to get up so I can find the migraine medication. Also, my cat is eating very loudly. I need to nip this migraine in the butt before it gets too bad. So, I’ll leave you here. If today is your take two of new years day, I wish you the best of luck.

New Year, New Me?

Nah. I’m not about that. I’m not even that into new years resolutions. So, here I am on January 1st, 2021. It sounds crazy to say. Some how I made it through 2020. And all I can ask myself is, How? Like, gurl, how the hell did you do that? I should be proud of myself. It’s hard to appreciate how far I had to come to make it through 2020, when all I can think about are the mood swings that were and those that are to come. Right this second, I’m in an irritable, angry mood. For no other reason other than, I just am. It’s hard to accept that fact, that a lot of times, I just am feeling a a feeling and I need to let it be what it is. Not look too closely at it. If it’s an intrusive thought, accept it and put it on the shelf.

So, are there things I want to accomplish in 2021? Of course. I made a list of more things I want to do, and less things I want to do. Some of them are basic, like don’t eat gluten. Other ones are a lot harder, like don’t stream too much, don’t intake as much social media. I want to read more, but right now it seems that I don’t have the focus for one book. Earlier in 2020 I attempted to put a “one book” rule in place. In which I could only read one book at a time. Then once I finished that book, I could move onto the next. The thing is, my bipolar brain doesn’t work like that.

My bipolar brain needs just the right amount of stimulation. Too much, I get over whelmed and anxious. When there’s a lack of stimulation, like there has been this year, I get manic. I can never seem to find that balance though. Which, means I’m almost always symptomatic. So, i would like to control that in 2021. I know that’s kind of a doozy of a goal, because it’s impossible to control something you don’t fully understand.

I’ve been anxious all day, it’s like a new year hasn’t even started. I’ve been rocking more, I’ve been cocooning in blankets more. It’s a bit reminiscent of my hiding in the closet days. I would curl up and sleep on the floor of my mini walk in closet. So, I’m not sure if it’s the best thing to do. I don’t know. I need something, but I’m not sure what it is exactly. I just know “New Year, New Me” will not solve any of my problems. I’m just so tired all the time and my doctor thinks it’s because of all the meds I’m on. A lot of them have side effects of lethargy. I just don’t want to feel so lost this year. I want to find a way to be more grounded. So, cheers to the new year, may yours be filled with health and happiness, and here’s to hopefully more blog posts coming from me.

Drafts 

in case anyone was wondering I have 42 blog post drafts saved. That’s right forty-two. If that doesn’t help describe me I’m not sure whay does. I’m scatterbrained, I can’t make decisions, I’m self conscious, I’m a lot of things. Part of it is my bipolar and part of it is the effect the disorder has had on me. I get stressed easily and lately it’s been worse then it has been. I have a very big decision to make soon and I honestly have no idea what I’m going to do when the time comes. For the situation I’m in, there really is a wrong decision, it’s just that one may be better than another, but it’s not wrong. Things haven’t been easy and I feel like everything is amplified. I’ve pretty much been on an emotional rollercoaster these past few months and it is exhausting. 

Being emotionally exhausted is one of the worst things in my opinion. I dont want to move. I don’t want to get out of bed. It’s like all the joy has been robbed from me. It’s not enough to be classified as depression, but it’s still horrible. This decision that is looming over my head is killing me. It’s a waiting game right now and it’s the worst. It’s like I’ve been stuck in a waiting game since the pandemic started. I’ve just been so anxious. It’s like I habe 42 drafts in my mind and none of them are finished and none of them seem good enough to post. 

I’ve been on a constant hunt for comfort. Like yes, I have my people, but I can’t be with them or talk to them every waking hour. I need to find comfort in something. I started reading Harry Potter, but I need to save those books for something else that’s upcoming. So I started The Hobbit again. So I’ll see how that goes. I have Percy Jackson on deck in case I find that it doesn’t help. I’m also costantly looking at lists to find ideas for how to handle the anxiety. Because it’s just generalized anxiety, because I can’t pin point one exact thing that is making me anxious. There’s so much going on. There’s so much stress, everyone keeps telling me it’s justified and tells me that it’ll work out. It doesn’t feel like it though. It feels like it’s just impending doom. I mean,after my decision is made in about 6 to 8 weeks, things will likely lighten up. I’ve been trying to look forward to the holidays, but they’re happening after all if this. I just know they’re not going to be the same. I already made the decision that I won’t be spending Thanksgiving with my whole family which makes me sad, but it’s what will make me feel most comfortable. So there’s that. Its like the virus has crushed dreams that I haven’t even had yet. When the world is in the state that it’s in, it’s hard to latch onto a dream. It’s not easy to live in the climate we’re in now. Including the political climate, which I will not get into here. The world is a mess though. It’s like everyone has 42 drafts and they’re trying to figure out what to do with them. 

I know there’s hope in the world and that eventually things will get better and we’ll come out on the other side of this stronger and better people. It really doesn’t seem like it. And I sure as hell don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel yet, but it’ll be there eventually. 

Long time no type

So, it’s been quite awhile and some things have happened. Hopefully I can remember it all, because things happen and I want to blog about them, but when I sit down to write I forget all the things I want to write.

Let’s see, where to begin. Maybe I’ll work backwards from now until Taylor Swifts latest album release. I’ve been going through all the emotions. Mostly anxiety, constant, persistent, sometimes crippling, anxiety. I kind of feel like my new medication has sucked some of my creativity out of me. I don’t have any inspiration. Any time I think about writing I just find it uninteresting. I love writing. So, I guess I have to decide if that’s a trade off I’m willing to work with. I feel pretty good on it, but things just don’t feel interesting. Nothing sounds, good or fun. It’s just kind of meh. I’m not sure if there’s a solution to that. I mean, there probably is, I just haven’t found it yet. I’ve only been on the medication for about a month, but it was supposed to start working right away. If there’s a task I actually need to do or want to do, I can do it without an issue, but for now I have to deal with the lack of inspiration and need to be creative. Which is very frustrating. I figure writing a blog post would be the easiest to write because I can take a topic and write about it. When I write fiction the ideas have to flow from inside of me. And that just isn’t happening. I’m going to start trying to write more.

My school situation is weird for me this semester. I’m taking two zero credit classes, so I don’t actually have any work to do. I was actually looking forward to school because I wanted some sort of structure, but that went out the window. I’m not good at sticking to routines. I don’t like that, that’s how I am, but I’m not good a sticking with things in general. Working out, writing, reading, any type of craft project. I know that’s a habit I can change, but I don’t know how. Especially because my moods are so erratic. I’ll wake up one morning and be fine, but my mood will decline. I get burnt out pretty easily and discouraged. I was hoping that this medication would help, but so far it hasn’t.

The thing is that, life can be unpredictable. Like, my birthday was about two weeks ago and that didn’t go as planned. I got a belly button infection. I choked on a bagel and my boyfriend had to give me the Heimlich, which caused me that have rib and back pain. So, there really isn’t much I can do. Also, my dog had to have surgery yesterday which was nerve wracking (She is home now, everything went amazing and she’s resting comfortably). All in all I’m just in physical discomfort and that usually has an effect on my mood. I’m only comfortable if I sit in certain positions because of my ribs.

I know I should try and think positively, but at this point I’ve accepted that I’m mostly a pessimist. I worry and panic easily, I always think about the worst thing that could happen first, and I’m usually the first to jump to conclusions. I haven’t really been enjoying any shows or books or anything really so I don’t have any thing to recommend. Also, the business is being slow because of the pandemic. So, if someone were to ask me how I was handling the pandemic, I would answer, not well. I’m doing the best I can, well I think so anyway. I feel like I can be productive today, but we’ll see. Fingers crossed that I’ll have enough energy or general will power to update tomorrow.

T-Swizzle

Okay, so this post is going to be about Taylor Swift. I know she’s not everyone’s cup of tea. So feel free to not read this post.

Taylor Swift has always been an artist I’ve loved. The first time I heard her was when I was in the car with my dad and Teardrops on My Guitar came on the college radio station we were listening to. This was before she blew up. When her first album launched I don’t remember if I actually bought it, but I for sure own it now. Her lyrics resonated with me. Even before I had ever had a boyfriend or been through a breakup. I’ve listened to her evolve. From country to pop to now a little bit of folk with her new album. I pretended to like country music when I was with one of my boyfriends.

Anyway, let me back track to my first boyfriend, well our breakup anyway. Enchanted had just come out and when my friends came over after the breakup we listened to that album on repeat. I listened to it on repeat even after that. Since then I’ve followed everyone of her albums. Each one does in fact remind me of on of my exes. A lot of times when she releases a new album I put off listening to it because I’m always afraid it won’t be as good as the previous one. She never disappoints though. I have a lot of memories related to Taylor. Like her album Red, came out when I was a freshman in college. At this point I was away at school and I preordered it. I remember when I got the notification that I had mail at my mailbox, and then I had the physical album in my hands. I listened to it on repeat. Like I do with every album. Folklore, her newest album, it released on Friday I think and I’ve listened to it at least 3 times.

My boyfriend makes fun of me for liking her, but there’s a special place in my heart for her. Is that weird? She’s an artist I will always love. When I’m down I listen to certain albums, when I’m manic I listen to certain albums. Her lyrics inspire me. If I’m trying to write something and I have no inspiration. I’ll pick a song and listen to it, open a blank document and title it which ever lyric resonates with me, then I’ll just write. I don’t know if that’s odd, but it really helps me.

I’ve always loved music, but I would always pretend to like music that was popular at the time. Like when I was 17 the summer after my senior year it was Drake and rap music. I was going through a lot at that point. I was dealing with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I was manic that whole summer. Now looking back at it, I was pretending, but I was really in pain. I may not have realized it, but I was. Looking back at it now, I wonder how I even made it through. When I was going through my worst depressive episode, it was Dawes, which is my favorite band. Taylor is my favorite singer, but Dawes is my favorite band.

Anyway, Taylor Swift is someone who I would love to meet and thank. I feel like as her music has evolved, so have I.

YAS

So, as of Monday, I have officially reach ONE HUNDRED followers on my blog! I honestly can’t believe it. When I started this blog, with all the posts from my angsty 19 year old self to the posts about how my life is now. It truly has been a journey. I’m glad I made this blog and I started taking it seriously. I now have a whole timeline to see how far I’ve come. From when I was first diagnosed to 7 years later. Sometimes I read my old posts and I tear up because I remember how much pain I was in and how alone I had felt. I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it through, but this blog is here to prove to myself that I can grow, change, and learn. That I don’t have to let my circumstances beat me or force me to make certain decisions. The times when my condition ruled my life.

I have made so much progress and I am so ecstatic that I now have 100 people with me to see my journey. I can only hope that some of my posts have either inspired someone or made someone feel less alone. I never want anyone to feel the way I felt when I was 19. I want to be a beacon of hope, well in some sense anyway. I just want to thank you all for following me and believing in me. In the form of letting my posts grace your timelines. I am so lucky to have come this far. I remember in the winter posting about have 50 followers. Now I have 100 and it blows my mind. Meeting this mile stone has come at a time where I have begun to question myself. Questioning if I’m on the path I actually want to be on. If I’m happy with where I am. Deciding if it’s time to give up on an unspoken dream. This, to me anyway, is a sign that I’m on the right path and I shouldn’t give up.

Because there are 100 people who actually care about what I write. For thank I thank you. You all have a special place in my heart and my journey.

Catching Up

I feel like it’s been quite sometime since I posted here. Well, I suppose it really has been. I needed a bit of a break after the death of my grandmother. I’m back now, well I’m going to try and be.

Honestly, nothing much has happened in the past month or so. I’ve been stuck in the house. I just wanted to write a little bit about how COVID has affected my mental health. I am easily triggered, and will quickly have a mood swing after the initial trigger. So, being stuck in the apartment you would think that I would be able to avoid triggers, that is not the case though. I am easily triggered by videos and sometimes pictures. Also, by the emotions of the people around me. Since my boyfriend and I are spending every single second of every single day together, it’s almost impossible to not feed off of each others emotions. So, I’ll get triggered by something, then he’ll feel my stress and it’ll possibly trigger him. It’s a very delicate system.

Also, the business has not been doing the best. Due to COVID, people just aren’t buying our products. We try so hard. The lack of orders and work to do leaves me very anxious and bored and then I panic because I feel like I should be doing work, when there’s no work to be done. It’s all very frustrating. I have a very strong work ethic so when I don’t have something to focus my energy on, I get severe, debilitating anxiety. I tell my doctors and they try to help me and give me advice, but the bottom line is that we can’t adjust my meds. So, it’s basically me against myself. In my head. All day everyday. I’ve been manic a few times, down, but not truly depressed, but mostly the anxiety. Except yesterday I felt extremely unstable. I don’t know what happened, but something tipped the scales. I feel like I need to channel my energy. I’ve been writing a lot of fiction, but I’ve kind of run out of inspiration.

I know they say that you have to write even when you don’t feel like it or if you don’t feel inspired. I just can’t seem to push myself though. Everything just feels off. Probably because no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’ve found that; no matter how much you try, it’s almost impossible to move forward when the world is standing still. Because we are still in the middle of a pandemic and things don’t seem to be getting better. I feel like there is no hope. Like I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even as I write this I feel a sense of panic. Everything is a struggle. It also doesn’t help that it’s like a sauna in my apartment.

I honestly am doing the best that I can. I just keep forgetting to remind myself of that. Sometimes, doing the best that you can is enough. Even if all that you do is get out of bed. I had a pretty strict morning routine, but somewhere along the way it fell to the wayside. I wish that hadn’t happened, but it did. I know not to beat myself up about it, but it’s difficult.

So, COVID has not given me any more drive, it hasn’t really done anything productive for me. I’m hoping I can start feeling better today and get back into blogging. I’ve really missed this.

Do It For The Mems 2

Gentlemen of the Road!

This is a picture of the time my dad took me to a music festival. That’s right, my DAD. It was a festival hosted my Mumford and Sons and my favorite band was playing, Dawes. I bought two tickets, I didn’t even have anyone to go with! My dad stepped in and decided to come with me. The second day we spent on the beach at Seaside Heights, NJ. I don’t think I left our spot once that day. Then Mumford and Sons played for two hours, and it was honestly one of the best days of my life.

New York Heat

Okay, so I know it’s really hot other places, but the only heat I know really well, is the New York, Long Island heat. It’s making my crazy. Especially with COVID happening and I can’t get out and go somewhere and be in the air conditioning, I’m stuck in the heat. Right now I’m in my old room because it’s way too hot everywhere else and my boyfriend is sleeping in the air conditioning. So, I’m here where it’s cooler. The thing is though, that the heat can make me sick. It can give me migraines and make me feel like I’m going to throw up pretty much all day. No matter how much I hydrate, I feel sick. It’s the worst.

Today there’s going to be a high of 82. Now that may not sound bad compared to other places, but New York heat is that sticky, uncomfortable, just plain gross heat. I’m sticking to everything right now. My arms are sticking to my legs, my laptop is sticking to me, my legs are sticking to all the blankets. It’s not unbearable because I’m used to it. It’s just inconvenient.

I feel sick and it’s annoying because I never used to be like this. I used to take the heat in stride because I wasn’t blessed with having an air conditioner in my room. My room is on the same circuit as my parents so I could never have one. Once my brother moved out I could sleep in his old room if I wanted to sleep in the air conditioning. That wasn’t until I was in my 20’s though.

Okay, so my computer was about to die so I had to move back to the apartment. I’m really going to get my dose of the heat that I’m used to. I feel like I haven’t hydrated enough today. I know it’s only 10:40, but if I don’t start hydrating as soon as I wake up I’m done for. I’m going to take this opportunity to remind you to drink your water. Not only to stay hydrated, but it will help your body, and your skin will thank you. Trust me.

I’m not exactly sure where this post is going, but let’s just see where it takes us. I got another pair of shorts the other day and they have pockets! What a win. I’m out of hair ties though, so I’m going to have to go rummage in the depths of my hair drawer to find some. In the bathroom, where it’s also hot. My apartment is basically a sauna, unless I strategically place myself in front of a fan and a window and another fan. I also have to wear as few clothes as possible, so shorts and a tank top usually, and my hair has to be up. Because for goodness sake I need a haircut, very badly. Don’t get me wrong I love mt hair, but it’s thick and wavy and not summer friendly. Honestly, I’m ready to just chop it all off. I won’t, but it does need to be cut.

So, that’s how I’m feeling about the New York heat. I’ll be waking up my boyfriend soon because I need to be in the air conditioning.