Long time no type

So, it’s been quite awhile and some things have happened. Hopefully I can remember it all, because things happen and I want to blog about them, but when I sit down to write I forget all the things I want to write.

Let’s see, where to begin. Maybe I’ll work backwards from now until Taylor Swifts latest album release. I’ve been going through all the emotions. Mostly anxiety, constant, persistent, sometimes crippling, anxiety. I kind of feel like my new medication has sucked some of my creativity out of me. I don’t have any inspiration. Any time I think about writing I just find it uninteresting. I love writing. So, I guess I have to decide if that’s a trade off I’m willing to work with. I feel pretty good on it, but things just don’t feel interesting. Nothing sounds, good or fun. It’s just kind of meh. I’m not sure if there’s a solution to that. I mean, there probably is, I just haven’t found it yet. I’ve only been on the medication for about a month, but it was supposed to start working right away. If there’s a task I actually need to do or want to do, I can do it without an issue, but for now I have to deal with the lack of inspiration and need to be creative. Which is very frustrating. I figure writing a blog post would be the easiest to write because I can take a topic and write about it. When I write fiction the ideas have to flow from inside of me. And that just isn’t happening. I’m going to start trying to write more.

My school situation is weird for me this semester. I’m taking two zero credit classes, so I don’t actually have any work to do. I was actually looking forward to school because I wanted some sort of structure, but that went out the window. I’m not good at sticking to routines. I don’t like that, that’s how I am, but I’m not good a sticking with things in general. Working out, writing, reading, any type of craft project. I know that’s a habit I can change, but I don’t know how. Especially because my moods are so erratic. I’ll wake up one morning and be fine, but my mood will decline. I get burnt out pretty easily and discouraged. I was hoping that this medication would help, but so far it hasn’t.

The thing is that, life can be unpredictable. Like, my birthday was about two weeks ago and that didn’t go as planned. I got a belly button infection. I choked on a bagel and my boyfriend had to give me the Heimlich, which caused me that have rib and back pain. So, there really isn’t much I can do. Also, my dog had to have surgery yesterday which was nerve wracking (She is home now, everything went amazing and she’s resting comfortably). All in all I’m just in physical discomfort and that usually has an effect on my mood. I’m only comfortable if I sit in certain positions because of my ribs.

I know I should try and think positively, but at this point I’ve accepted that I’m mostly a pessimist. I worry and panic easily, I always think about the worst thing that could happen first, and I’m usually the first to jump to conclusions. I haven’t really been enjoying any shows or books or anything really so I don’t have any thing to recommend. Also, the business is being slow because of the pandemic. So, if someone were to ask me how I was handling the pandemic, I would answer, not well. I’m doing the best I can, well I think so anyway. I feel like I can be productive today, but we’ll see. Fingers crossed that I’ll have enough energy or general will power to update tomorrow.

T-Swizzle

Okay, so this post is going to be about Taylor Swift. I know she’s not everyone’s cup of tea. So feel free to not read this post.

Taylor Swift has always been an artist I’ve loved. The first time I heard her was when I was in the car with my dad and Teardrops on My Guitar came on the college radio station we were listening to. This was before she blew up. When her first album launched I don’t remember if I actually bought it, but I for sure own it now. Her lyrics resonated with me. Even before I had ever had a boyfriend or been through a breakup. I’ve listened to her evolve. From country to pop to now a little bit of folk with her new album. I pretended to like country music when I was with one of my boyfriends.

Anyway, let me back track to my first boyfriend, well our breakup anyway. Enchanted had just come out and when my friends came over after the breakup we listened to that album on repeat. I listened to it on repeat even after that. Since then I’ve followed everyone of her albums. Each one does in fact remind me of on of my exes. A lot of times when she releases a new album I put off listening to it because I’m always afraid it won’t be as good as the previous one. She never disappoints though. I have a lot of memories related to Taylor. Like her album Red, came out when I was a freshman in college. At this point I was away at school and I preordered it. I remember when I got the notification that I had mail at my mailbox, and then I had the physical album in my hands. I listened to it on repeat. Like I do with every album. Folklore, her newest album, it released on Friday I think and I’ve listened to it at least 3 times.

My boyfriend makes fun of me for liking her, but there’s a special place in my heart for her. Is that weird? She’s an artist I will always love. When I’m down I listen to certain albums, when I’m manic I listen to certain albums. Her lyrics inspire me. If I’m trying to write something and I have no inspiration. I’ll pick a song and listen to it, open a blank document and title it which ever lyric resonates with me, then I’ll just write. I don’t know if that’s odd, but it really helps me.

I’ve always loved music, but I would always pretend to like music that was popular at the time. Like when I was 17 the summer after my senior year it was Drake and rap music. I was going through a lot at that point. I was dealing with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I was manic that whole summer. Now looking back at it, I was pretending, but I was really in pain. I may not have realized it, but I was. Looking back at it now, I wonder how I even made it through. When I was going through my worst depressive episode, it was Dawes, which is my favorite band. Taylor is my favorite singer, but Dawes is my favorite band.

Anyway, Taylor Swift is someone who I would love to meet and thank. I feel like as her music has evolved, so have I.

YAS

So, as of Monday, I have officially reach ONE HUNDRED followers on my blog! I honestly can’t believe it. When I started this blog, with all the posts from my angsty 19 year old self to the posts about how my life is now. It truly has been a journey. I’m glad I made this blog and I started taking it seriously. I now have a whole timeline to see how far I’ve come. From when I was first diagnosed to 7 years later. Sometimes I read my old posts and I tear up because I remember how much pain I was in and how alone I had felt. I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it through, but this blog is here to prove to myself that I can grow, change, and learn. That I don’t have to let my circumstances beat me or force me to make certain decisions. The times when my condition ruled my life.

I have made so much progress and I am so ecstatic that I now have 100 people with me to see my journey. I can only hope that some of my posts have either inspired someone or made someone feel less alone. I never want anyone to feel the way I felt when I was 19. I want to be a beacon of hope, well in some sense anyway. I just want to thank you all for following me and believing in me. In the form of letting my posts grace your timelines. I am so lucky to have come this far. I remember in the winter posting about have 50 followers. Now I have 100 and it blows my mind. Meeting this mile stone has come at a time where I have begun to question myself. Questioning if I’m on the path I actually want to be on. If I’m happy with where I am. Deciding if it’s time to give up on an unspoken dream. This, to me anyway, is a sign that I’m on the right path and I shouldn’t give up.

Because there are 100 people who actually care about what I write. For thank I thank you. You all have a special place in my heart and my journey.

Catching Up

I feel like it’s been quite sometime since I posted here. Well, I suppose it really has been. I needed a bit of a break after the death of my grandmother. I’m back now, well I’m going to try and be.

Honestly, nothing much has happened in the past month or so. I’ve been stuck in the house. I just wanted to write a little bit about how COVID has affected my mental health. I am easily triggered, and will quickly have a mood swing after the initial trigger. So, being stuck in the apartment you would think that I would be able to avoid triggers, that is not the case though. I am easily triggered by videos and sometimes pictures. Also, by the emotions of the people around me. Since my boyfriend and I are spending every single second of every single day together, it’s almost impossible to not feed off of each others emotions. So, I’ll get triggered by something, then he’ll feel my stress and it’ll possibly trigger him. It’s a very delicate system.

Also, the business has not been doing the best. Due to COVID, people just aren’t buying our products. We try so hard. The lack of orders and work to do leaves me very anxious and bored and then I panic because I feel like I should be doing work, when there’s no work to be done. It’s all very frustrating. I have a very strong work ethic so when I don’t have something to focus my energy on, I get severe, debilitating anxiety. I tell my doctors and they try to help me and give me advice, but the bottom line is that we can’t adjust my meds. So, it’s basically me against myself. In my head. All day everyday. I’ve been manic a few times, down, but not truly depressed, but mostly the anxiety. Except yesterday I felt extremely unstable. I don’t know what happened, but something tipped the scales. I feel like I need to channel my energy. I’ve been writing a lot of fiction, but I’ve kind of run out of inspiration.

I know they say that you have to write even when you don’t feel like it or if you don’t feel inspired. I just can’t seem to push myself though. Everything just feels off. Probably because no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’ve found that; no matter how much you try, it’s almost impossible to move forward when the world is standing still. Because we are still in the middle of a pandemic and things don’t seem to be getting better. I feel like there is no hope. Like I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even as I write this I feel a sense of panic. Everything is a struggle. It also doesn’t help that it’s like a sauna in my apartment.

I honestly am doing the best that I can. I just keep forgetting to remind myself of that. Sometimes, doing the best that you can is enough. Even if all that you do is get out of bed. I had a pretty strict morning routine, but somewhere along the way it fell to the wayside. I wish that hadn’t happened, but it did. I know not to beat myself up about it, but it’s difficult.

So, COVID has not given me any more drive, it hasn’t really done anything productive for me. I’m hoping I can start feeling better today and get back into blogging. I’ve really missed this.

Do It For The Mems 2

Gentlemen of the Road!

This is a picture of the time my dad took me to a music festival. That’s right, my DAD. It was a festival hosted my Mumford and Sons and my favorite band was playing, Dawes. I bought two tickets, I didn’t even have anyone to go with! My dad stepped in and decided to come with me. The second day we spent on the beach at Seaside Heights, NJ. I don’t think I left our spot once that day. Then Mumford and Sons played for two hours, and it was honestly one of the best days of my life.

New York Heat

Okay, so I know it’s really hot other places, but the only heat I know really well, is the New York, Long Island heat. It’s making my crazy. Especially with COVID happening and I can’t get out and go somewhere and be in the air conditioning, I’m stuck in the heat. Right now I’m in my old room because it’s way too hot everywhere else and my boyfriend is sleeping in the air conditioning. So, I’m here where it’s cooler. The thing is though, that the heat can make me sick. It can give me migraines and make me feel like I’m going to throw up pretty much all day. No matter how much I hydrate, I feel sick. It’s the worst.

Today there’s going to be a high of 82. Now that may not sound bad compared to other places, but New York heat is that sticky, uncomfortable, just plain gross heat. I’m sticking to everything right now. My arms are sticking to my legs, my laptop is sticking to me, my legs are sticking to all the blankets. It’s not unbearable because I’m used to it. It’s just inconvenient.

I feel sick and it’s annoying because I never used to be like this. I used to take the heat in stride because I wasn’t blessed with having an air conditioner in my room. My room is on the same circuit as my parents so I could never have one. Once my brother moved out I could sleep in his old room if I wanted to sleep in the air conditioning. That wasn’t until I was in my 20’s though.

Okay, so my computer was about to die so I had to move back to the apartment. I’m really going to get my dose of the heat that I’m used to. I feel like I haven’t hydrated enough today. I know it’s only 10:40, but if I don’t start hydrating as soon as I wake up I’m done for. I’m going to take this opportunity to remind you to drink your water. Not only to stay hydrated, but it will help your body, and your skin will thank you. Trust me.

I’m not exactly sure where this post is going, but let’s just see where it takes us. I got another pair of shorts the other day and they have pockets! What a win. I’m out of hair ties though, so I’m going to have to go rummage in the depths of my hair drawer to find some. In the bathroom, where it’s also hot. My apartment is basically a sauna, unless I strategically place myself in front of a fan and a window and another fan. I also have to wear as few clothes as possible, so shorts and a tank top usually, and my hair has to be up. Because for goodness sake I need a haircut, very badly. Don’t get me wrong I love mt hair, but it’s thick and wavy and not summer friendly. Honestly, I’m ready to just chop it all off. I won’t, but it does need to be cut.

So, that’s how I’m feeling about the New York heat. I’ll be waking up my boyfriend soon because I need to be in the air conditioning.

Playing Catch Up

I almost went back to bed this morning, but once I realized that it wasn’t 80 degrees in the living room, I jumped at the chance to make a cup of hot coffee. I’m getting a cold brew maker today and I could not be more excited.

This is my alone time, so I figured I would take advantage of the quiet and try and write something. I have a post in mind, but it’s too early to get into that post. So I’m going to do a quick like 3 week, weekly wrap-up.

I’ve spent most of my time mourning and being sad. I cried a lot at first, but that stopped and now I’m just sad. Time is moving so slowly because I feel like it happened so long ago, but it’s been less than a month.

I keep saying I should write down things that happen in my week, but I don’t, then I forget what to write in the weekly wrap-up. I mean, that about sums up my weeks. I haven’t really been loving things because I’ve just been doing random things to distract myself and pass the time, I haven’t really been consistent with anything.

So I’m going to write somethings I’m excited for:

  • New Headphones: I’m not sure if I posted the post where I said that my boyfriend says I’m where electronics come to die. Well, he is also tired of me having cheap headphones that constantly break. My train of thought is, if I keep breaking them why buy expensive ones. Anyway, I found a pair of Skullcandy ones that would be perfect for me. They’re coming today! The reason I wanted them was because you can track the individual earbuds with tile. Goodness knows I am constantly losing my wireless headphones. So, I’m just very excited.
  • Sailor Moon Lip Gloss- I love makeup so much. I also love Sailor Moon. So when Colourpop released a Sailor Moon collection and I was like NEED. It sold out in just a few minutes though. So when they restocked I knew I needed to get something, and I did. I got the one thing I wanted, which was the single lip gloss named Moon Tiara. I love lip gloss and I can’t wait for that.
  • Mini Avocado Eye Shadow Palette- I’ve been obsessed with getting this one mini, green eye shadow palette. I got it. I haven’t used it yet, but I’m so excited to live my best green eye shadow life.
  • Salem!- We booked a trip to Salem for the middle of July. It’ll be nice to get away for New York for a little while. We don’t have anything planned which is fine with me.
  • Birthday!! I still don’t know what I’m doing for my birthday yet, but I’m so excited. I’ll figure it out between now and August. I just like to have something planned.
  • Zoom memorial- We’re doing a zoom memorial for my grandma and I’m looking forward to actually talking about her and her life and just everything.

This is just a few things that I’m looking forward to. It’s the small things that matter.

There’s Something to Tell

As you all know I’m pretty open about my treatment and my Bipolar I diagnosis. I don’t always go into the exact medications I take. I also speak openly about my issues with migraines and how I’ve attempted to treat them and I think I should tell you about what I found that works for my migraines. Disclaimer: Let me make this clear, I do not use this migraine treatment as a treatment for Bipolar or anxiety, that is extremely important to keep in mind.

Okay, so at the end of September I was prescribed medical marijuana for my chronic migraines. I live in New York where medical use is allowed, but only medical. I didn’t go to get this because I thought it would be cool to have access to marijuana whenever I wanted. I got it because I felt like I was out of options. My neurologist didn’t want to put me on another medication since I was already on so many for my Bipolar. We tried gammacore twice, if you want me to go more into that let me know and I can write a post about my experience. The migraines had become debilitating. I would get one and I could not do anything, I’d be stuck in bed in the dark. It had kept me from going to class or going to other doctors appointments. So, we decided to go an alternate route.

In my state everything related the medical marijuana is regulated. I had to get approved by a doctor then I had to go through a whole process to get the actual product. The dispensaries are no where near my house. So I had to drive 35 minutes to an hour depending on which one I went to. Then I had to fill out a lot of forms, even though I had already been prescribed it. Then the product is not what you would expect. It is considered a medication so it has to be heavily regulated. There are several types of ways it comes, none of which is the actual weed itself. It comes in a tincture, a solution, lozenges, and a few other ways, but those are the only ways it comes because there is no recreational use. If you go to a state where it is recreational you can get edibles, like chocolate or gummies.

My preferred way is a tincture. Which is then cut with CBD and diluted. So it doesn’t really get me high at the dosage I take. It doesn’t even matter because I’ve only taken small amounts to prevent or treat the migraines and it has helped.

Anyway, this is probably the only time I will mention this on my page, but I thought you should all know.

Sunday Rambles Pt. 5

It’s early, like 5:20 am early. I got up to go to the bathroom and couldn’t fall back asleep, so right now it’s just me and Bruce. Also, when I woke up I saw that our motion sensor back porch light was on, which is very weird. It doesn’t usually get triggered by animals and I am not going to go investigate. Unless I get too hungry and have to go make waffles downstairs. I’m not there yet, but I’m sure it’ll happen. Actually, it’s fathers day, so I may hold out until my mom makes breakfast. We’ll see how much will-power I have.

Sometimes when I wake up early and decide today is going to be a “maybe” day, I feel a bit more relaxed than usual. Probably because I know I won’t be pushing myself to do thing after thing after thing. Also my dad just wants to do nothing for Father’s Day today. I kinda want to work out, but I also kind of don’t. On another note I just dropped my laptop. I’m not sure if I’ve ever written this, but according to my boyfriend, I am where electronics go to die. I don’t buy new or expensive electronics because they always break on me. I just made my first expensive headphones, I paid a whopping $77. I’m very frugal, so I really had to be pushed to order them, but I finally did, and I’m very excited.

I’m not really tired right now and I need to stay awake. I’ve fallen back into the pattern of falling back asleep on the couch after I wake up and come out the the living room. Well it’s a little while later and I worked out and fell asleep on the couch. I guess that could be considered balance.

It’s very warm in my apartment right now. The only air conditioner is in the bedroom and my boyfriend is sleeping so the door is currently closed. I’m in the living room with two fans trying to keep cool. I’m not very good in the heat because I get really bad migraines if i’m not careful, which I’m usually not. So the name of the game for the rest of the summer is to stay as cool as possible.

As usual I’m the first one up. I don’t even know when anyone else will be awake. I was thinking about going to sit outside and take in the fresh air. I did not do that though. I’m glad I didn’t because it is blazing out there. I mean, I’m not really much cooler where I am now, but still.

It’s that time of the week where I start adding random things to my birthday list. I love makeup, but that’s not all that I want, I can’t think of other things I want though. I want to get things that will better me and help me become better.

On a total other rant, I hate shopping for clothes online. For one reason being plus size it’s hard to find somewhere that sells clothes in my size in general. I can only order off torrid because that’s the only place where I’ve tried clothes on in person before. I don’t have the money for that. All I want is a pair of plain jean shorts that don’t cost an arm and a leg. I can’t order anything off amazon because I don’t know how it’ll fit and if it doesn’t not only will I feel bad about myself, but I’ll have to return them, which I’m not very good at.

Okay, it’s now Monday afternoon and I’m feeling slightly okay. I don’t really have a lot to say today so I figured I would just tack some Monday rambles on the tail end of my Sunday rambles post. It was 81 degrees in my living room this morning and all I had was a fan. I even worked out. It was way too hot to make regular coffee, so we ordered Panera and I got my cold brew, thankfully. I’m now feeling like more of a human, Anyway, I think I’ll do an actual post for today.

Full Capacity

I’m having one of those days where I feel like i’m not operating at full human capacity. I feel all fuzzy and I’m not with it at all. I’m also very off balance. I’ve tried all the things I do for when I don’t feel like I’m operating at full capacity. Coffee, meds, shower, the usual. None of it helped. I feel like I’m at half capacity right now. The thing is though, do I even know what it’s like to operate at full capacity? What does my full capacity even look like? These are the hard hitting questions I’m asking myself so far today.

I mean I guess for me operating at full capacity is not feeling too, too anxious. Feeling like I’m productive and that I have energy for the day ahead. My morning routine actually happens, I’m not lazy. The thing is though, some days that’s not what my full capacity looks like. I would love if I could do and feel like that everyday. That’s my fantasy self. So, if that’s my fantasy full capacity, what is my actual full capacity? I suppose full capacity depends on the day, it could be any day where I feel like I have my life together after just 1 cup of coffee. It could be a day where all I do is get out of bed and shower. That could be considered full capacity for that day, because mentally and physically that’s all I could do.

The thing is though, that everyday I strive for the fantasy full capacity, but the more I strive for it and don’t get it done, I automatically feel like my full capacity will not be reached that day. I can’t strive for the impossible, I can’t constantly aim to be and act like my fantasy self. Because running at full capacity, means so many different things. The thing is though, if I keep trying to reach this version of myself that I’ve put up on a pedestal, and there’s no way for me to reach that self. Because she’s just things that I’ll never be able to be. She doesn’t deal with the constant mood swings that are my everyday life. She runs at full capacity everyday, she gets everything done without struggles and nothing seems too far out of reach. That is not an achievable goal, I don’t know how to reach that part of myself that I’ve put so high up.

Anyway, that was a tangent. Today I am not at full capacity and I’m not sure what to do. Like I said, I’ve done most of the things, but I didn’t exercise. Because as soon as my body feels that it’s not a full capacity day, it automatically messes up my balance and equilibrium. So all of me just feels off. I have to find a way to push through, because one of my two pairs of shorts is dirty, which means it’s a laundry day. If I can get the energy to get up and do it. i may just end up sitting on that couch all day, because that may be the full capacity for today.

I’m not sure what the rest of today holds and I may do a weekly wrap-up for later today, but I can’t make any promises.