Meet Magick Roasting Company

I would like to introduce you to my passion project, Magick Roasting Company. We are a coffee microroaster, which means we only roast small batches, and each one will be made to order. Meaning, each bag will have a special, magical, touch.

If you read my 2019 wrap up, I teased this a little bit. How we were waiting to hear from the state. Well, we did and got accepted into the program. Aaron and I were over the moon. I started roasting coffee in 2015, it quickly became a passion of mine, so when Aaron asked me if I wanted to start this business with him, I couldn’t have said yes faster.

I love the smell of the beans, watching them go from green to the rich brown color of a medium roast, and I also have the freedom to be as methodical as I want with my notes and how I roast the beans. This truly is my passion. When I left my job where I learned to roast, I knew it would be the thing I missed the most. Now, I’m back, and it’s like I never stopped. It makes me so happy. I’m also learning tons of new things about marketing and running a small business, it is all very exciting.

We will be going live on Wednesday January 29th, 2020. I’m having anticipatory anxiety. I just want to start roasting for the people who actually want to try our product, people who care enough to support us. This whole thing will be a labor of love and passion. I couldn’t be more excited. I’ve wanted to share this for a long time, but since I didn’t know when we were going live, I didn’t want to post anything. Now I know and here I am, sharing with all of you. My original followers, the ones who followed me as I grew over this past year. I cannot thank you enough for following me.

Now you can watch me grow through this new endeavor, and I hope you will stay along for the ride.

I’ve always wanted to start my own business involving coffee, but when I left that job, I truly thought my dream was dead. Aaron has helped breathe life back into what I thought was lost. I’m trying not to tear up writing this post. I’m so lucky to have him as my love, best friend, and business partner. He came into my life when I had settled on being content being alone, and he changed everything for me. Now, I can’t imagine my life without him, and I’m ecstatic to start this new chapter with him.

So, Magick Roasting Company has been born, and I cannot wait for you to all see how it grows.

2019 Wrap up 

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, lots of things have been going on. Some doors closed and some new ones opened as the year came to a close. I finished the semester with a B average, which I’m happy with seeing how many classes I missed. Now, next semester I’ve been toying with the idea of taking the semester off. That’s because I put so much pressure on myself during the semester, which is essentially detrimental to my mental health during the semester. Not one day goes by without me being symptomatic, and that basically sums up my 2019. 

All symptoms all the time, I can’t seem to shake them, with all the medication I’m on, it really doesn’t make sense. In 2019, my doctors and I decided no more med adjustments, unless it’s absolutely necessary. So, it’s been a lot of work on my part. I really can’t say what worked and what didn’t, I just know I got by and survived everyday. Between PTSD flashbacks this summer, to intrusive thoughts this fall. It hasn’t been easy, but I made it. 

Also, towards the end of the year, I started having stomach issues and decided to cut gluten out of my diet. Which has been difficult, but beneficial. Until the holidays hit, and now I’m paying for it. Its not about losing weight, it’s about my overall health and well being. Being in discomfort and pain all the time, when there’s something I could easily do about it. So what I have to cut out sugar and bread, two of my favorite things, if it’ll make me feel better than so be it. My doctor had me get a sonogram for it, to make sure it wasn’t my gallbladder, and waiting for those results made me so anxious. Meanwhile the anxiety probably was causing a lot of my stomach problems, so it was just a vicious cycle. The sonogram came back fine, so that made me feel better, but my stomach is still bothering me today. We’ll see what happens from here. 

I’m not going to get too much into what I already went over earlier this year, so this is just a catch up of what has been happening. Since he got fired, he’s been much happier, things have been looking up. He applied for a small business program within the unemployment office, because basically, with his skill set it’ll be difficult for him to find a job in the field, that he would actually want. He doesn’t want to work somewhere where he will be as miserable, like with his last job. Anyway, he applied and we got an answer, and well, it’s been a secret project. I can’t share much here because my mom reads my blog (hi mom). But exciting things are happening. They will be revealed in just a few days. I really can’t wait. It’s going to be good, we just have to show the idea to my parents, not because we need investors or anything, but because we’ll be working out of their house, if it gets approved. So, we’re doing some work behind the scenes and hoping it all works out. Hopefully, the state has enough faith in our idea, and if they do, I hope everyone else does too. It’s something that we’ve talked about doing, just in passing, but it could become a reality. All I can say is, fingers crossed. 

So, here’s to big things coming in 2020, dreams becoming reality, and just good energy, positive mindsets, and accepting change. 

4:30 am wake up call

I woke up at 4:30 this morning, I tossed and turned all night, even with my sleeping meds. I’ll admit, things haven’t been super easy lately, mostly because of money struggles. My boyfriend was wrongfully terminated from his job, soooo it’s been a little tough. The good thing though, he’s been happier than I’ve seen him in over a year, and I’d rather have that than money. I guess that’s what love is. Struggling together, wanting to see your partner happy, when their happiness is above all else to you. That’s how I feel. I’ve never been more in love with someone, I am extremely lucky, I know that, and that’s the bottom line.

Anyway, getting up at 4:30 am, can be a bad thing, especially when I don’t sleep well while I am asleep. Being bipolar, my sleep schedule is one of the most important things that I have, that helps keep me stable. So here’s how my bedtime routine goes: 9pm; turn on the star light projector, turn down the tv brightness and volume, and I go and do my skin care and such. Then I watch some videos on YouTube, nothing too heavy. 10pm; meds, the tv brightness goes all the way down and the volume goes off and my boyfriend puts on headphones. He usually stays with me until I fall asleep. Also at 10, I put on a podcast or music, then I go to sleep.

I know, it’s simple, but it truly does keep me on track. I stick to it almost every night. I plan my nights out around my sleep schedule, if I am out, I’m home by 9:30 at the latest. That’s part of being bipolar though, sleep is so important. So today, may or may not be a good day. Usually when I don’t sleep, things go south around noon or one. I’ll get cranky and start feeling bad and anxious, and nothing will help. Not even naps. So, yeah, basically I need sleep, and lots of it. I usually get between 8 and 10 hours, usually closer to 10. The thing is though, that if I sleep for longer than 10 hours, the day is usually a wash. We’ll see how today goes. I’m hoping not too badly, I have a lot of things to do. Mostly school work, which I’m behind on, as usual.

I’m behind on school work because I had a manic episode about two weeks back. Which, unfortunately, kept me from class for a whole week. I’m not super far behind, but let’s just say, if I had a test tomorrow, I’d be done for. Hopefully this hiccup in sleep doesn’t mess me up for days, like the manic episode did.

Basically, life isn’t always easy. As long as you do the best you can though, that’s what matters. You don’t have to do great everyday. I aim for neutral or baseline everyday, because I am very rarely symptom free for more than a few hours. I do the best I can though, I’m not perfect, my life isn’t perfect, being bipolar sure isn’t perfect. I just keep it going though, all day, everyday.

Me and my favorite vet.

Just a little update

So Halloweek came and went and nothing exciting happened. Just another week. Same ups and downs, lots of, I don’t feel wells. Just trying to cope and get through, one day at a time. Daylight savings time was last night and I’m not sure how it’s going to effect me, it always messes with my sleep schedule, which I strictly adhere to. We’ll see how things go. 

I’ve decided to start a mini health journey. Mental and physical health. I hate exercising, because I always did it because I wanted to lose weight and I would get discouraged when I didn’t see results. Lately though, my mindset has been that, exercising is about overall health, it’s not about losing weight, it’s about being healthy. Once I started looking at it like that, I felt more empowered to go. The first week I started strong, but I haven’t been in two weeks. It’s not because I didn’t want to. One week I had a pretty bad manic episode and going to the gym was not an option. The other week, I don’t really have a reason, I just didn’t go. I actually missed not going. I need to stop eating junk food, that’s my next mission for the physical side. 

I got a DBT workbook at Barnes and noble today, so I’m hoping that will help on the mental side. I also want to start tracking my moods, I’m not sure how though. I’ve never tracked my mood before, I always thought that it was kind of gimmicky. At this point though, I’ve never had a day, a full day where I was symptom free. Also, my psychiatrist doesn’t want to add any more meds or increase any dosages, so it is up to me. I have to get it together, I can’t live my life having symptoms every single day. So, I’m really trying anything. 

That’s kind of where my life is right now. At this moment, I’m okay, but that could change any second. That’s just the nature of the beast I suppose. Being bipolar isn’t easy, but I don’t have to make it more difficult. If keeping up with my health in this way is what I have to do, then so be it. I’m still having intrusive thoughts. About death and dying, that’s the persistent symptom right now. The only thing I can do is recognize them as not being my thoughts and ignore them. But, intrusive thoughts are not easy to ignore, especially when they’re filled with such heavy content. It’s up to me to find a way to cope, to not let them get to me or ruin my mood. I’m just so tired of symptoms on symptoms, just a never ending string of things that pile on top of each other. And it’s up to me to sort through that pile and figure out how to deal with each individual thing. I find that if I try to handle too many things at once I just get overwhelmed. 

So, here it goes with my health journey. 

Halloweek has Commenced.

Halloween is on Thursday. I’m not the biggest fan of Halloween, I’ve never had a really amazing experience with it, so I look forward to it, but I also don’t. I always feel this pressure to do something, to have that one perfect experience, then maybe I’ll be happy and start loving Halloween. I just don’t want to do anything though. Because I’ve outgrown the bar scene and I don’t really have enough friends to have a party or anything, so this year’s plan was to sit at home, in my sloth onesie, and get high. Now, my boyfriend suggested we go to Sleepy Hollow, in New York. It does sound like fun, and it would probably be a nice night. But, I’m not sure if I want to go. I have class at 1 so we would leave at 3ish. So I would have all day to prepare and get ready and just be okay. For some reason, I just don’t feel like it.

I hate crowds and there’s no way to know big the crowd will be at Sleepy Hollow. We were in Salem, MA last Halloween, and that was INSANITY. So many people. I don’t want to go through that again. There are just so many unknown variables. I haven’t been feeling well lately though, just very anxious and uncomfortable. I had a pretty bad manic episode on Tuesday and by Thursday, I had completely crashed. Needless to say, I missed class all week. We’ll be an hour and a half away from home, so if I start feeling bad, there’s essentially no where to go.

On the flip side, I feel like I should just go. I want these amazing experiences, so if I never go anywhere and just avoid things, how will I have those experiences or make those memories? I need to step out of my comfort zone and I know that. I’m constantly having these conflicting sides to every situation. If I go X could happen, but I won’t know unless I go. “X” could be anything. Good or bad, it’s just a variable. I need to just figure it out. Also, my boyfriend really wants to go, and I don’t want to let him down. He’s so amazing and he does so much for me, why can’t I just get out of my own head and just go? For him. I don’t want to ruin his Halloween by just nixing it immediately, so I’m going to think about it.

The more I think about it though, the deeper into my head I go. I don’t want to miss out on things. I know I can’t live inside my house forever. I need to go out. Do things, experience things, just live. I cannot let my disorder get in the way of things forever, I can’t hide behind it or use it as an excuse forever. All in all, let Halloweek commence.

Another bipolar day

There seems to be a trend in my days, I wake up and feel bad, then I’ll have some medical marijuana and I’ll feel better, then a few hours later I’ll feel bad again. Then I’ll feel okay. It’s not mood swings, so it’s nothing serious it’s just very annoying. I mean it’s part of being bipolar I suppose. I just hate it. I hate being bipolar, some days I hate it more than others. Some days I hate it so much I cry. I feel so defeated from it. Like no matter what I do, how many meds I take or symptom management I do, I feel like it never changes. I was saying the other day, how I just take meds out of routine sometimes and I don’t even think about why I’m taking them. I don’t want to have to take all these meds, I also know I can’t go off them. I know people say that there are benefits to having bipolar, I’m assuming most of those people don’t have bipolar. Because I hate it. So much. It’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Why did it have to be me? I know it’s genetic, so I don’t actually have a say. 

I can accept that I have it, but I don’t have to like it. I don’t have to feel any way about it. I just have to deal with it and manage it. I didn’t have a choice in getting it, but I have a choice in how I deal with it. So, I will continue to take my meds and manage my symptoms. I’ll put my work in, because that’s the best chance I have of making my life liveable, to my personal standards. I’ve had to lower those standards though. Like, I’ve had to alter timelines of things that I want to happen. Living with bipolar isn’t easy. A lot of days I’m just sad or I just feel bad for no reason. There’s days I just need to rest and there’s days I have to push myself, then there’s days where I actually feel okay enough to choose to do things. Those days are few though, but they seem to be becoming more frequent. I’ve put alot of work in and it does show, I do see the changes, I really do, but some days my soul just hurts and I’m just tired. Tired of everything. So I just curl up in a ball and just not participate in life, and that’s no way to live, but it’s my reality. I have to pick and choose my battles, like what will I choose to do today, because I’ll have a list of things to do, but I’ll have to pick one thing because it’s too difficult to do more than that. 

Some days, I just can’t. I can’t be expected to do anything, the day is essentially just a wash. Nothing is going to get done. Then days like today, I had a wonderful time with my family, but just two hours or so, once I get home, I’m done for the day. Nothing else can be expected to be done. I’m just going to lay in my bed and try and avoid the bad feelings that are going to come. And sure enough, it happened, I came home and I felt like garbage. I hate it so much. I wish I wasn’t bipolar, but I am. I just have to deal the best that I can. 

Luck and Love

I was having a conversation with my boyfriend, literally 10 minutes ago. I said that I win every single day when I get to be with him, butttt that’s not going to stop me from entering as many giveaways as I can.

I’m sitting on the floor next to his side of the bed, with my dog next to me, why? I just had the urge it sit on the floor. He said it’s because I “wanted a change of scenery”. Which is quite possible. Anyway, I’m watching my usual YouTube beauty videos and one of my favorite YouTubers, just released an eyeshadow palette, and I didn’t think I wanted it until I saw the reviews. Now I’m like NEED. Unfortunately, by time I get the money to get it, it’ll be sold out. I entered two giveaways to try and win it, but no luck there. I haven’t won a giveaway, well, ever. I enter a lot too. That’s the main reason I got my Twitter, to enter giveaways. That probably sounds crazy. I mean, to me it makes sense. I like free things. If it’s easy to enter, then I don’t see why not. I have 7 followers on Twitter. My main Twitter. I don’t even know how many I have on my blog Twitter. Anyway, I’m clearly not the luckiest person when it comes to giveaways. That’s fine with me. As much as it would be nice to get all those things, I’m lucky in other ways.

I have a place to live, I have the best pets, and a wonderful love of my life. Along with MANY other blessings in my life in the form of people. My parents, my best friend, my whole family in general. It just shows me, that sometimes I need to take a minute and reflect. Because I really don’t think I do that enough. I feel like I don’t take things for granted, but sometimes I do. Sometimes I forget to just stop and look around and see all the love in my life, the true luck that I have.

I may not have a knack for winning giveaways, but I sure do have a knack for attracting the best people. I guess, that is luck.