Saturdays are for finding something to believe in

I’ve been writing in my journal all day, but I feel like I have no material for this blog. I’ve been missing posts which is something that I didn’t want to do. I’ve been letting my fear and anxiety get the best of me and I’ve essentially been hiding in my apartment. Nothing seems worth while, nothing sounds good or fun. Every little thing is a struggle.

All I feel is constant panic. Fight or flight, but the only thing I’m fighting is myself. Is this my new normal? Today I felt like everyone was doing something but me. As if, the world was moving, but I was standing still. Watching everyone from the outside while they move on and move along and I’m just stuck. I feel like I’m a horrible person and like I’m slacking in my life. I always say no to things, and I can never commit to anything or get anything done. I haven’t been able to work a full work week without taking a day off or leaving early, I haven’t signed up for classes yet, and it’s the middle of August. My biggest thing is avoidance. I do whatever I can to avoid the things that make me feel the way that I do, but it just makes things worse.

The only way out is though, is what I keep telling myself, but I feel like I’m not sticking to it. Like, I’m so busy trying to find a way around that I could already have dealt with some of my issues by now. It is what it is though. I am who I am. I have to stop with the negative self talk and saying that, I’m the worst or that I’m a horrible person. I know the truth is that I’m neither of those things. It’s just my own mind. I have to strengthen my mind to fight against these negative thoughts, so I can deal with them and try and have a more positive mindset.

I’m nervous for my birthday in Salem because I’m afraid my anxiety will ruin it and I won’t have fun. I have to have hope though, I have to believe something good will happen. That good things will come to me and I will thrive. It will happen, it’s just me against me. Nothing else, I’m what’s in my way. If I can learn to be better about negative self talk and my tendency to avoid my issues, I think I can go very far. I just have to believe. I have to believe in myself and trust my journey. I’m not a religious person, but I believe there is something out there that’s bigger than us. Even with all the self doubt, I have dreams and I have things I want to accomplish, and at the end of the day, I believe in myself.

I always do, I always will, and even when I forget, I still believe.

Advertisements

Hey Little Fighter, Things will get Brighter

I’ve been doing a lot of research into mental illness recently. Bipolar disorder, PTSD, and anxiety mostly. I’m not sure why now and not before. I also constantly feel like uncontrollably sobbing most of the time. Let’s just say that I’m feeling a lot of emotions right now. I’ve been doing all this research and I’m not really sure what I’m looking for, as if I’m searching for answers that I know don’t exist. Because what I feel is so personal, and raw, like people can relate, but no one feels the exact same way as I do at any given time, and I can’t always explain what I feel. It’s all very frustrating.

I haven’t been able to blog because I’ve been searching for these answers that can only be found in the depths of my mind. I keep thinking and thinking, I can feel my soul be suffocated, but I can never reach the answers I’m looking for. Mostly because I can’t figure out what question I’m asking on any given day. I just know I’m tired, exhausted, of my mind being at war with itself. Going through these flashbacks, which have thankfully subsided, has put a toll on me, like, it’s hard to figure out reality and memories, what’s now and what is history. So, there was that, now I’m just lost. My brain can’t handle much these days. I haven’t been able to work a full day of work, I’ve been isolating and spending a lot of time curled up on our tiny couch in our tiny living room, where it’s cozy and safe. I constantly have to remind myself that I’m safe, and what happened wasn’t my fault.

I didn’t do anything wrong, so why am I suffering?

I just don’t understand. My soul and mind can’t take it. The only reoccurring thought I have is that, I don’t want to die. I’m feeling a lot of fear right now, and it’s smothering me. I’m scared mostly of becoming suicidal and having to go back to the hospital. I don’t know why I feel like that if all I keep saying is that I don’t want to die. Like, that’s the opposite of what I’m truly afraid of. So I don’t know why I’m so distressed. My therapist says I’m fearing fear itself right now, because I also keep thinking about death.

All I think of when I think of being afraid of fear itself, I think about Harry Potter, when Lupin tells Harry that he’s afraid of fear itself because he’s afraid of the dementors, which are the guards of the wizard prison azkaban, and they feed off happiness and suck out peoples souls. Lovely image, right? I suppose that’s the point. Anyway, that’s how I feel, like a dementor is here sucking the life out of me.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, like I said, just sob uncontrollably until there’s no more tears left. I feel like that’s not possible though. I feel like I don’t know what I feel. I feel like I don’t know anything. I’m searching for answers to nothing, answers to a question that my soul is asking that I can’t make out. I suppose if I want to know the question, I have to get down and dirty with my feelings. I have to take a deep dive, take a break, and nourish my soul. It needs to be cared for now more than ever.

Also, on a positive note, it’s my birth-month. I LOVE my birthday, like I really love it. As soon as August hits I start my count down. Now it’s the 7th and I could care less about turning 25, a few weeks ago I was so exited and planning my trip to Salem, MA (where my boyfriend and I will be spending most of my birth-week). Now, I just feel like I’m struggling to get through the day. I’m just tired and over these emotions and I just want to give up. I won’t though. I’m in this for the long haul and I will walk through the fire, or I will rise from it, like a phoenix.

 

Life Can’t Always be Fair

I can’t seem to get up the energy to even open my computer and type a post. So I’m doing this from my phone. I’ve been suffering from PTSD flashbacks for the past week and it’s been super hard on me. I keep reminding myself that what happened wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t do anything wrong. It doesn’t make things any easier though. I’ve just been crying so much and just all around upset a distressed.

I’m just so tired of crying and suffering over something that wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong, so why am I the one suffering? It’s a question I’ll never get an answer to. The flashbacks are mostly shadows or words. They were super vivid on Monday, the vibrancy has subsided though. But the frequency has increased. I’m just over it. Just stop the world, I want to get off.

My therapist says I have to stay distracted until the flashbacks subside, but nothing seems to be keeping my attention. I find some solace in music and reading. Listening to John Mayer and Dawes, rereading Harry Potter. But it doesn’t last. I’m only truly comfortable on our loveseat in the living room where I can curl up and just be. Just let existence wash over me and around me. Like I don’t have to deal with the read world for a little while. Just plug in and tune out for a little while.

I don’t want to say this is my new normal, but I don’t really know much about PTSD, only what I’ve read over the last week. But it seems like this could go on for a little while. It’s not a cut and dry type of thing, where you can get meds what will make it stop (mostly) not like with my bipolar. I’m also doing everything I’m supposed to be doing, according to all the websites I’ve read anyway. So, what are you supposed to do when what’s supposed to help, doesn’t? You just fight through I suppose. I’m just tired of fighting. I feel like I’m fighting with my own mind everyday and it’s exhausting and I’m over it. I don’t know what else to do. I just know that this whole situation isn’t fair. I’m the one dealing with the fall out and my family and friends don’t know what to do or what to tell me. It’s just not fair.

Like I know, they always tell kids, life isn’t fair. But no one deserves to have to suffer this way. No one.

The Only Way Out Is Through

That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. It’s become my new mantra. I haven’t posted in a few days because I’m dealing with some PTSD related things. It’s been rough, I had a breakdown at work yesterday and had to come home.

So, at this point the only thing to do is deal with my issues head on, and work through them, because there’s no way around them. If I deal with them now, it’ll be easier in the future. If I choose to avoid them now, they’ll come back to haunt me again and again. It’s now or in another 3 years when the trauma resurfaces. Last time I dealt with this, I got extremely depressed, shut down, and ended up in the hospital because I didn’t want to live anymore. So, dealing with this isn’t something that’s easy. I’m in a much better headspace and environment now than I was then. Hopefully I can get through this a little easier than last time.

It’s like reopening a wound, making the skin raw again, and letting it heal. Like the Papa Roach song, “I tear my heart open to sew myself shut”. That’s essentially what I’m doing. I don’t have to necessarily relive the trauma, but I have to rehash some of it, bring it to the surface, and deal with it. I suppressed it, twice. Last time I dealt with it I just told people what happened, I never actually talked about it, I just thought that it would go away, and for a little while it did. Something triggered me though, and now I have to deal with it for real. According to my therapist I just have to keep myself distracted for the time being, which is easier said than done. It’s like when you least want to be distracted the more you are, and when you want to be preoccupied or distracted, you can only focus on the thing you don’t want to.

That’s where I’m at right about now. Just trying to get through the jungle of emotions, the mess of issues, and just overall trying to get better. I feel like this is kind of a setback in my process of trying to stay stable. So, I just have to keep going.

The only way out, is through.

Quit Saying You’re Sorry (for everything)

I didn’t do anything wrong. So, why am I apologizing? I find myself asking this question a lot. Most of the time I think it’s to avoid an adverse reaction to whatever it is that I had done. I find myself apologizing for the most random things, like taking too long to bag my stuff at 7-11 when I bring my own bag. I wouldn’t call myself a passive person, but with the amount of times I say I’m sorry, you would think that I am.

I’ve been struggling the past few days, due to things out of my control, but the thing is, that my reaction makes the things worse. Most of the time I honestly don’t think I did anything wrong. I just don’t want to make waves, I don’t want to make things worse for a certain situation, so I say that I’m sorry when I shouldn’t. I think it’s because I want to save myself the trouble of cleaning up the mess of what ensues if I don’t apologize, or out of fear for what will happen if I don’t say it.

I have to learn that I can’t control what other people do or how they feel or how they react to something. I’m guilty of saying things without thinking, sometimes it warrants an apology, other times it really doesn’t, but I say it anyway. It’s something I have to work on, because instead of fully dealing with the situation, I stop it in its tracks and it just comes up again. I can save myself some trouble by letting the situation play out a little bit further, I suppose. I really just don’t know. The main thing is, like I just wrote, I cannot, under any circumstances control how another person reacts to something. Because everyone will react to something differently. I try to not let it get to me, but I can’t help it, I tend to take a lot of things personally, to not really have a thick skin.

I’m 24 I still have things to learn and things to figure out, it doesn’t help that I have Bipolar and anxiety. I feel like it just adds an extra layer to things, like I have to get past the layer of myself that deals with things on a bipolar level, then I have to deal with them on a level past that. It takes me longer to process things and I tend to feel things so deeply, I struggle with that a lot. Taking things to heart when I shouldn’t, even when people say what’s happening with them has nothing to do with me, I feel like it does. I don’t mean that in a self-centered type of way, more like, I did something wrong, it has to be why they’re feeling this way or that way.

Another feeling I feel very deeply, is guilt, I feel guilty about everything. Almost every word I say I feel guilty about, I’m always second guessing myself and I never actually get out what I want to say. So, I feel guilty about the wrong things. It really is just a mess that I’m in right now. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells, for no real reason in particular.

Fridays Are For Catching Up

Sorry I haven’t posted in two days. I’ve been trying to get better about posting everyday. But, Wednesday was just a rough day, I had no inspiration or motivation. Just thinking about writing a post seemed like it would have been too much. So, I gave myself a break. Then yesterday, I went to see JOHN MAYER. I found out like 4 hours before we had to leave that I was going.

Going to the concert last night was a big deal for me. It was at Madison Square Garden, it was sold out, and I stayed out past my bed time. I didn’t crawl into bed until like 1:30 in the morning. The amazing this, is I only got super anxious once. I mean, it was on the verge of a panic attack anxiety, but it was after the show. It helped show me that I’m stronger than my disorder, well, I’m stronger than my symptoms. I didn’t cry, I didn’t have to leave early. I had an amazing time. I never really believed in mind over matter, but I think I need to start having more faith in myself and my ability to cope. Because I made a choice yesterday, was I going to let my disorder stop me from doing something I really wanted to do? Well, something I probably won’t ever get the chance to do again. I took the chance and I’m glad I did. I know there are going to be some consequences from staying up past my bedtime, like I know my body might betray me, get anxious and uncomfortable. I 100000% believe it was worth it though.

I’m not really a person to take risks, I get so panic stricken that I’m going that have an episode if I take a risk and do something I shouldn’t. It was John Mayer though, it was free, it was amazing. I have no regrets and that’s how I want to live my life. I don’t want to live in fear, I also can’t do what I did last night on a regular basis. I have to learn how to strike a balance, with fun and carefree, while also being responsible. Like, I left work early yesterday because I needed time to collect myself and get ready. I had to take today off so I could rest and try and get back to myself. I guess that means that I just need to have a cushion whenever I’m going to do something like that.

I also don’t really like surprises, I like to know what to expect and when to expect it. So, yesterday was very out of character for me. I am glad I did it though. It was a good experience for me, to take a risk and do something spontaneous.

Tuesdays Take you Down the Rabbit Hole

This is essentially how I feel today. Like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.

I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. Just falling, we’ll fluctuating, but it feels like I’m in a never ending spiral. I just feel so lost and like I’m not on stable ground. I’m not neutral, but I’m not down, it’s some middle ground and I keep going between the two.

You know when you learned about waves in school? Like UV rays and microwaves and stuff? You had to learn the length and the frequency and all that? That’s how I see myself right now. And the frequency is high, I would say rapid cycling, but there’s no aspects, no hints, of mania.

So, down, down, I fall. I wish I would hit the ground so I could know what to do or where to go. In this state though, there’s no meds to adjust, I feel like there nothing I can do, but ride it out. I try all my coping skills, I try everything, and nothing helps. It’s just uncomfortable. I don’t know how to explain this discomfort, but I do know that I keep rocking back and forth when I’m sitting or laying at home. According to my therapist it’s self soothing, but it’s not good. At this point, it’s the only thing that helps.When I’m at work, I want to go home, but when I’m home, I just want to be somewhere else. I don’t mean like isolate and abandon, I’d want my family, friends, and pets with me. I just don’t want to be here anymore, like in this physical location. I just don’t know, I feel like I don’t know anything.

I just want to feel better, I’m not sure where to go from here. Since I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to leave the house. Taking the dog out is even a struggle, something I dread. I love my dog though. I just don’t really feel anything, but sadness, anger, and irritation. I can mask all I want, but if I do that, people won’t know that I need help, but even then, how can they help me if I can’t help myself?

So I’ll do what I can to find solid ground for now, to stop feeling this feeling of falling, being in constant flux, and just feeling so lost.