Meditative Morning

I woke up this morning in a surprisingly relaxed mood. Just very chill. It was odd, but I woke up before sunrise, which I rarely ever do. Especially since I’ve been done with school. I mean, I’ve only been done with school for about two weeks or so. However, this is the first morning I’ve felt like this. I’m going back to my old morning routine I think. Which was coffee, podcasts, maybe a workout, and writing or reading. I’ve actually added crocheting to that, but I need to add some quiet time into my mornings. For the past year I’ve just woken up and put on YouTube and just be done with it. I need to be more mindful and meditative though. When I get anxious I have started being mindful of my breath and just turning everything off. No distractions, just me and my breath. It’s amazing what a few deep breaths can do.

It helps when I put my headphones in too. I think I’ll add a simple book into my morning routine, nothing too heavy. I think I’ll add Percy Jackson. I’ve read it before, but I think I want to do a reread. I think it will help me ease into my day without getting excited and just shoving me into a my day. I also need to add eating a normal breakfast into my morning. I just want to have a relaxing morning from now on.

I also want to start doing more blog posts about actual things not just posts about my mornings. I focus a lot on myself. Like an unhealthy amount. I think that’s why I get so anxious all the time, I’m just in my own head all the time, thinking about myself and what I’m doing wrong and just me me me. And here I am, just writing about myself. This is my blog though. So, it’s a fine line.

I’m going on vacation in a month in a half and I’m very excited. We’re going upstate and it will be very nice to get away.

It’s a little later in the day now, and my meditative morning has faded away. Now it’s filled with boredom and anxiety, fidgeting and lack of focus. I hate when this happens, I’ll have an okay morning, but then I realize how much of the day I have left and I start to panic. Like, what am I supposed to do all day? I mean, I have options, but when I sit down to do any of them I just get a wave of anxiety. Which then makes me not want to do anything. So, I’ll just sit and get stuck in my own head. I can’t stay like that though, if I start living in these feelings I’ll just spiral.

I think I have to work on chucks of my day. Like I’ll work on making my mornings smooth, then I’ll work on being less anxious and panicky in the afternoon, and so on. I just don’t know what to do any more. My boyfriend says it could be an identity crisis because I’m technically graduated. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like it.

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Day to Day

My little heart hurts. I can’t seem to figure out a happy medium for how to achieve things during the day. I’ll wake up and it’s hit or miss. Most of the morning I’m usually okay. At some point though the sadness gets me. I’m not down or depressed, I’m just sad. I’m in mourning. The only things that can heal something like this is time. That’s not an easy thing to accept, because we are used to having instant answers, but the only answer to someone close to you passing, is time.

I feel like all my inspiration and will power has left me. I have ideas, but I can’t seem to act on those ideas. I can make a list, but what’s the point if I don’t have the will power to complete it? To even get one of the tasks done. Yet, like when dealing with most things, some days are better than others. For example, a few days ago I set 3 simple goals. I completed all 3 before noon. Today though, I can barely get off the couch. This is actually the third post I’ve started today because nothing seems right. I’m not able to elaborate on any of my ideas. So, I’m back to the old school writing about my feelings.

I’m roasting today, so the kitchen where I work is over 80 degrees, which I’m sure isn’t helping anything. I don’t feel like watching anything. I don’t want to engage in social media because I’m overwhelmed by the news. I can barely handle what’s happening in my personal life, let alone create my opinions on what’s happening in the world. Being a political science major, I feel like I should have thoughts, ideas, and answers. Be able to carry out a discussion. Right now though, I just can’t.

I’m very anxious, that’s how it’s been for a few days. Just consumed by anxiety. Which just makes me want to shut down and do nothing. Just curl up in a blanket in front of my fan in my 78 degree living room. So, that’s what I do. I feel like there’s only a short period of time where I can get things done during the day, I have to find that time and do all the things that I can. I had a few posts planned for this week, but those will probably be on hold until next week. I keep hoping that the next day will be better, but there’s no way to tell if it will be. I mean, if we knew how we would feel the next day, well I don’t know what would happen.

I think something I’m learning is that I’m still learning. No one expects me to know all the answers and knowing myself I know I don’t have all the answers. I don’t have to be perfect. I’m aloud to feel my feelings how ever I need to express them.

Another bipolar day

There seems to be a trend in my days, I wake up and feel bad, then I’ll have some medical marijuana and I’ll feel better, then a few hours later I’ll feel bad again. Then I’ll feel okay. It’s not mood swings, so it’s nothing serious it’s just very annoying. I mean it’s part of being bipolar I suppose. I just hate it. I hate being bipolar, some days I hate it more than others. Some days I hate it so much I cry. I feel so defeated from it. Like no matter what I do, how many meds I take or symptom management I do, I feel like it never changes. I was saying the other day, how I just take meds out of routine sometimes and I don’t even think about why I’m taking them. I don’t want to have to take all these meds, I also know I can’t go off them. I know people say that there are benefits to having bipolar, I’m assuming most of those people don’t have bipolar. Because I hate it. So much. It’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Why did it have to be me? I know it’s genetic, so I don’t actually have a say. 

I can accept that I have it, but I don’t have to like it. I don’t have to feel any way about it. I just have to deal with it and manage it. I didn’t have a choice in getting it, but I have a choice in how I deal with it. So, I will continue to take my meds and manage my symptoms. I’ll put my work in, because that’s the best chance I have of making my life liveable, to my personal standards. I’ve had to lower those standards though. Like, I’ve had to alter timelines of things that I want to happen. Living with bipolar isn’t easy. A lot of days I’m just sad or I just feel bad for no reason. There’s days I just need to rest and there’s days I have to push myself, then there’s days where I actually feel okay enough to choose to do things. Those days are few though, but they seem to be becoming more frequent. I’ve put alot of work in and it does show, I do see the changes, I really do, but some days my soul just hurts and I’m just tired. Tired of everything. So I just curl up in a ball and just not participate in life, and that’s no way to live, but it’s my reality. I have to pick and choose my battles, like what will I choose to do today, because I’ll have a list of things to do, but I’ll have to pick one thing because it’s too difficult to do more than that. 

Some days, I just can’t. I can’t be expected to do anything, the day is essentially just a wash. Nothing is going to get done. Then days like today, I had a wonderful time with my family, but just two hours or so, once I get home, I’m done for the day. Nothing else can be expected to be done. I’m just going to lay in my bed and try and avoid the bad feelings that are going to come. And sure enough, it happened, I came home and I felt like garbage. I hate it so much. I wish I wasn’t bipolar, but I am. I just have to deal the best that I can. 

Tuesdays Take you Down the Rabbit Hole

This is essentially how I feel today. Like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.

I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. Just falling, we’ll fluctuating, but it feels like I’m in a never ending spiral. I just feel so lost and like I’m not on stable ground. I’m not neutral, but I’m not down, it’s some middle ground and I keep going between the two.

You know when you learned about waves in school? Like UV rays and microwaves and stuff? You had to learn the length and the frequency and all that? That’s how I see myself right now. And the frequency is high, I would say rapid cycling, but there’s no aspects, no hints, of mania.

So, down, down, I fall. I wish I would hit the ground so I could know what to do or where to go. In this state though, there’s no meds to adjust, I feel like there nothing I can do, but ride it out. I try all my coping skills, I try everything, and nothing helps. It’s just uncomfortable. I don’t know how to explain this discomfort, but I do know that I keep rocking back and forth when I’m sitting or laying at home. According to my therapist it’s self soothing, but it’s not good. At this point, it’s the only thing that helps.When I’m at work, I want to go home, but when I’m home, I just want to be somewhere else. I don’t mean like isolate and abandon, I’d want my family, friends, and pets with me. I just don’t want to be here anymore, like in this physical location. I just don’t know, I feel like I don’t know anything.

I just want to feel better, I’m not sure where to go from here. Since I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to leave the house. Taking the dog out is even a struggle, something I dread. I love my dog though. I just don’t really feel anything, but sadness, anger, and irritation. I can mask all I want, but if I do that, people won’t know that I need help, but even then, how can they help me if I can’t help myself?

So I’ll do what I can to find solid ground for now, to stop feeling this feeling of falling, being in constant flux, and just feeling so lost.

Wednesday’s: An Unpopular Opinion

Ahh Wednesday. My least favorite day of the week.

I was getting my $5 iced coffee this morning and the barista asked if I wanted an large or an extra large iced coffee. I replied, that it was the worst day of the week, so let’s go for an extra large. She was in a little bit of disbelief that Wednesday was my least favorite day of the week.

I mean, yeah, Monday’s suck, but it’s the beginning of the week, and you anticipate that it’s going to be an annoying day, but you power though. Wednesday’s on the other hand, it’s the middle of the week, it’s still two days from Friday, it just makes you realize just how slowly the week is going by. I, personally, feel that it goes by much slower than any other day, and nothing interesting usually happens. At least for me anyway. A side note, my best friend agrees, in her words from a text this morning, “Monday’s suck, but Wednesday’s suck worse.” So there’s that.

For example today, I was going through files from like 10 years ago looking for specific things. There’s like 200 files. Filing cabinets on filing cabinets. It’s so exciting. I mean I do get to pop in my headphones and listen to a book or Spotify if I need some energy, but that only makes it slightly better. Also, nothing interesting did happen at work today, in case you were wondering.

Anyway, I home now. I finally washed my hair, so naturally I’m super anxious now, I feel my heart racing. It still is Wednesday though, so adding a shower into the mix, it didn’t make things any better. We ordered breakfast for dinner, which I got as my treat for doing the mundane tasks that Wednesdays hold. Showering, going through file after file, doing literally anything.

I think I’ll start a petition to make Wednesday’s like a half day at work or free ice cream, I don’t know, something to make the day a little less, Wednesday-like.

Like the title says, Wednesday’s being the worst day of the week, it’s an unpopular opinion. I don’t think anything will change the way I feel about Wednesday. I mean pancakes can’t hurt though.

Torrid Mini-Haul

I figured I’d try something new here. So here it goes!

I am on a plus size fashion adventure. I recently came to the conclusion that I had to start buying plus size clothes, and I made peace with that. So when I had that realization, I had no idea where to start shopping for clothes. So of course I did a little googling, posted in a few facebook groups for advice, and came up with a few stores to try. The most talked about one was Torrid, so I decided I’d check them out, and I quickly came to see why they were recommended by so many people. My favorite thing is that they’re always having sales.

Now, if you have ever shopped for plus size clothing, you’ve come to realize that plus size clothing costs more. A shirt in a size medium will cost a reasonable amount, but a size XL will cost you $2-$3 more. It’s actually ridiculous, it’s also called the “fat tax”. Which is even worse. Anyway, I went to torrid, saw the prices and, being the frugal person I was raised to be, thought no way. Until, I saw their sales. My, what a beautiful world it turned into.

This last paycheck I picked up a few pieces, the sale was an extra 50% off clearance, so of course I had to take advantage. So here’s what I got:

First off, I’ve totally been into floral prints and comfy clothes. So I got a pair of pants, they’re the: Paisley Floral Ponte Slim Fix,

I haven’t tried these on yet, but I’ll keep you posted. I just thought they were super cute and they’re cropped which is perfect for me, because I’m pretty short. I’m excited to wear them!

This is a skirt that I got. It’s kind of like a body con skirt, it folds over on top and it’s nice and the material is nice and thick. I put it on pretty much as soon as I got the package. It’s the perfect length and has a super fun and bright geometric pattern.

The other two things I got were a belt and sunglasses. I needed a belt because I don’t own one, and I just love sunglasses.

I can’t wait to wear the sunglasses (even though my boyfriend hates them!) and I love the belt I just think it’s adorable and it’s the right size.

So yeah, that’s my little mini haul! I’ll keep you posted on how the pants fit and how all the other stuff wears!

Easy Breezy Lemon Squeezee

“Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort”. –Franklin D. Roosevelt 

Today is the 4th of July, in case you hadn’t noticed by all the instagram posts and tweets about beer and the beach.

I’m trying to keep the day easy breezy, no plans, no obligations, just hang out in the air conditioning and focus on some blogging. The issue is, that my Ipad won’t update certain applications anymore and it won’t download others, which means I needed a new way of streaming things and other random things I do on my tablet. Which brings me to the money. Now, I’m pretty good at saving, but I also fall into the trap where I think I need things I don’t actually need or spend money on things I could easily do myself. I also get paid biweekly for an internship, which pays $15 an hour, for that I am very lucky. I’m also lucky because my resume looks pretty darn good, not to sound full of myself. I work hard at what I do, and I’ve decided my new venture is blogging.

I’ve always loved to write, mostly writing in my journal, some poems here and there and maybe a short story or two. I’ve also always wanted to share my story, of a very boring life. Until the bipolar roller coaster started. Now, I don’t plan on making money blogging, it’s more of a hobby, a way to get my creative energy out, kind of do what I’ve always wanted to, and share my story. I’m not that experienced though, so I’m trying to learn. I don’t exactly have a niche, like all the sites tell you to have, I just write. I want to find a niche though, lifestyle, beauty, mental health, I want to dabble in it all. Which requires money. I need a web hosting site-money, I need to buy enough things to share what I think of them-money, and I need to pay my bills-also, money. Now my man makes enough money to support us, but relying on someone else always leaves a bad taste in my mouth, I feel guilty very easily, and I try not to spend his money. But, you need to spend money to make money? Maybe.

I’ll have to get creative and work with what I have, which really, when i look at all the things I own, is a bunch of random nonsense. I can work with random nonsense though. Someway somehow. I need to make goals, in order to achieve something, and to do that, I have to get creative. Try new things. The issue is, I’m bad at holding myself accountable for things. Like today, I try to keep things easy breezy, but, that’s not always how life works. I have goals, I want to go to law school, I want to get a good job, I want a house, and to get married. That all starts with holding myself accountable. Not living an easy breezy type of life, well living that way everyday, some days you need it, some days, easy breezy will get you no where.

But for today, its easy breezy. 

Enjoy your 4th!

Today feels like a Friday

You know how some days don’t feel right? Like a it feels like it should be the end of the week, but it’s actually a Tuesday? That’s how I feel today. Since tomorrow is the 4th of July, we have off, and somehow we managed to get off Friday too. So, this Wednesday is kind of like a Friday. We get to wear jeans and maybe leave early, holidays in the middle of the week are pretty awesome.

I’m coming in on Friday though, I have to make up hours because I took off last Thursday because I was switching medications. And I left early the last two days because of migraines and mania. Sooo I lost hours, which is not awesome. I guess coming in Friday won’t be the worst thing ever, no one will be here, it’ll be super chill. Easy breezy. We listen to the radio all day no breaks. It’s not like it’s Spotify or anything either, it’s the actual radio, commercials and all. Sounds fun, right?

I’m working on grant letters of support today. Surprisingly it’s not too bad, but around 1, just like everyday around 1, I’m anxious. Just slightly though. So it’s not terrible, just uncomfortable. It makes it difficult to get work done. I’m focusing on the anxiety too much and not work.

The morning went pretty quickly, lunch came and went, I have to drop my timesheet off for this pay period, which makes me very anxious. They’re always saying that it would “be great” if I could drop it off early, but I can’t. They don’t understand, it takes me all day to work up enough strength and courage to go and do it. I can’t bring it early. I feel like a lot of people don’t understand. Anxiety has become so normalized that not everyone can understand when you say “no, I’m really anxious”. They’re perception of anxiety is personalized. Whether they have it or they listen to the stigma, I feel like people don’t understand, well some people.

I don’t talk openly about my anxiety or bipolar. I don’t want people to make up perceptions about me because of a biological disorder. Like, I can’t just not be bipolar. It’s literally in my genes. Like, thank you for your suggestions, but it is part of me. It makes it hard for me to accept that I’m more than just bipolar, when people perceive me only that one way. That’s why I don’t talk openly about it. I want people to know me, as me. With no preconceived notions.

Anywayyyyy. Work, I’m back at it. Trying not to be anxious, because, it’s Friday, right?

or shall I say Fri-yay…

An ode to Tuesday Mornings

Oh, Tuesdays…how I hate thee.

Well I hate Tuesday mornings. Tuesday as a whole isn’t too bad, but the mornings are rough. I don’t have a routine. I work half days on Tuesdays because I have therapy in the mornings. So, my weekday morning routine that I follow the rest of the week, just don’t apply, because an extra hour and a half is added to my morning. It is even worse when I wake up earlier than usual. Like today, I woke up at 6:15, which is fantastic. Especially since I’ve been having debilitating migraines, and when I have these migraines, I can’t stay asleep, and when I don’t sleep, I get manic. The migraines are the worst in the Summer, and I don’t drink enough electrolytes, so they just get worse and it’s just a vicious cycle.

Anyway, back to my loathe of Tuesday mornings. I just hate them so much. This post is just going to be a giant rant about Tuesday mornings. I mean I could just add some things to my mornings on Tuesdays, but I just feel like nothing makes the morning seem any less daunting. It’s 7:47 now, I don’t leave for therapy until 9:45, but I’m leaving early today to go to target. So I guess I can leave 15 minutes early, yay…it doesn’t make the morning any better. The rest of the day will go pretty well though, I just feel like the mornings last forever. Before I take my meds, I’ll have some bad thoughts, I’ll feel like garbage, and I’ll just hate everything, but that doesn’t happen any other day of the week, just Tuesdays.

Bottom line, Tuesday mornings are the worst. End rant.

The East End in July

I don’t spend a lot of time all the way out on the east end of Long Island (i live closer to the middle) especially in the summer. Today was one of the days though, that I decided to venture out the the lavender fields in East Marion. My, my, what an experience. It was just a perfect morning.

I packed up my boyfriend and the car, as if we were going on a road trip, and off we went. My parents were going to meet us out there. (I’m also one of those people who likes to be over prepared). Anyway, we ventured out and drove, and drove. We stopped for coffee at one of my favorite shops, which was packed, which I thought was just giving me an idea of how the day was going to go, but boy was I wrong.

We made great time out to East Marion and there was practically no one at the lavender fields. It was the perfect morning. The sun was shining it wasn’t too hot, it was just right. So we paid the fee to get in (yes, there’s a $9 fee to get into a lavender field, but trust me it’s worth it). Then we started meandering our way around the fields, there’s probably about 4-5 acres of lavender, it wasn’t fully bloomed, but it was still beautiful and if you like the smell of lavender, this is your type of place. There’s English and French lavender and it’s just a sea of beautiful flowers. And of course, purple is my favorite color sooooo, I was obsessed.

I always see people taking the cutest pictures in this field and they always look so amazing. So, of course, I made my boyfriend take a million and one pictures. And it was just the best day.

Let me just add some stuff about my mental state. This was a day that I needed. We left at 8:15 and we were back by 1:15, there was barely any anxiety, and it was just perfect. I knew what to do to minimize my anxiety, but still be able to go and do something I really wanted to do. So, I made the plans and just did it. My strength outweighed the panic today.

Another thing (I know this post is like a million years long) is that I wore shorts and a crop for the first time since I put on the medication weight. I’m not the biggest fan of my body, but I’ve been reading a lot about body positively lately. So I decided, eff it, and I wore the cute outfit. I cringed at the pictures a little bit, but the memories that were made today is why really matters, so I posted the pictures.

That’s my story for the day, it was a beautiful Sunday, in my beautiful life, and I’m the luckiest girl in the world. So, is it worth it, you ask? Going to the east end in the summer? Yes. But be sure to plan it properly, trust me.