Morning Anxiety, Still?

I woke up with so much anxiety this morning. I have been most mornings actually. I’m not sure why, but having anxiety as soon as I wake up is probably one of my least favorite things. Because I just want to enjoy my morning. Drink my coffee, watch some YouTube, crochet a little bit, maybe read. I feel like I can;t get any of those things done though because I’m consumed by anxiety. It’s not stress, because I’m done with school, which is usually the root of all my stress. It’s straight up anxiety. I have a scale 1-10, if my anxiety is at an 8, I take a xanax. If it’s below that, I try to use the tools in my tool box to try and bring down the anxiety.

I don’t have a lot of tools in my “tool box”, as you think I might seeing as I’ve been dealing with my mental heath pretty much my entire life. I just don’t know what you would consider a tool. I just try to practice mindfulness, which I’m not very good at. I try distraction, which usually is the winner, but it has to be the right distraction. Makeup videos? Nope, they usually just make it worse. I usually just end up scrolling through social media looking for funny videos. I might put on some video game channels (yes, I watch people play video games to calm down) or my favorite distraction is watching channels about books. Reading does help, but when I’m anxious anything that gets my blood pumping just fuels my anxiety. So, I have to read a compelling, but not super action packed books. Same thing goes for TV shows or movies.

I don’t wake up exhausted or anything, I just wake up with my mind racing and panic in my chest. It takes a few minutes to sink in, but after I’ve wiped the sleep from my eyes it truly sets in. It’s very annoying. It’s just persistent anxiety. Writing does help though. Sometimes I’ll pick up my cat or force my dog to come sit with me while she’s still half asleep. I’m just so on edge for no reason. I keep hearing things as assigning problematic things to them. The garbage men coming to pick up the garage are actually trying to break into my house. I mean, I suppose that’s anxiety sprinkled with paranoia. The worst though is that we have some gnats in my apartment and I constantly feel like they’re crawling on me. That is just very uncomfortable. It usually just ends up being a stray hair. Because I have so much of it I’m constantly shedding.

I suppose I could turn my anxiety into something productive, but that’s a slippery slope because it’s possible that it will trigger mania. I’ve also been having trouble eating, like I want to eat, but I’m not really hungry. I saw a dietitian and she has me on a diet, it’s not a strict diet, but I’m having trouble reaching my calorie count every day. Because I need high calorie, but low carb, and I’m just not getting the hang of it. It’s very frustrating. So, I suppose I’m anxious about reaching my calorie count being in the correct range.

So, bottom line, morning anxiety is annoying and disruptive.


Bring Back the Routine

It’s Monday morning and I’m awake, I worked out and made coffee, now I’m writing this post. I’m trying to get back into some sort if routine to see if I can create some semblance of normalcy. I’m not sure if it will work, but I figured I would try. I feel pretty good right now. The morning is my quiet time. The only thing I can’t do is vacuum. Which is what I surprisingly want to do right now. Which is weird because i hate cleaning. I do it, but I loathe it. I suppose everyone does though.

It’s one of those days I’ll be working from the couch, which is what I’ve been doing lately. That’s not part of the routine, The routine is to sit at the table and listen to podcasts. Right now I’m sitting on the couch watching youtube. Total opposites. Regardless, I got the first part down, so that’s something. I’m not really tired, which is good. The anti-routine had me falling back asleep on the couch almost as soon as I was out in the living room. That’s how I know I’ exhausted though, I can sleep in the bed for 8-9 even 10 sometimes, and then I fall back asleep on the couch.

I really feel like I have nothing to write, but I want to post, writing is cathartic for me. I feel like with everything going on, whatever I write is trivial. It’ll be what it’ll be though. I really want to crawl back into bed, but I won’t. I’ll settle into the couch and just write. I miss seeing my best friend. This is the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other. I would love to add seeing her to my routine. Working out together would be great. I just want to get out of the house in general. I love my boyfriend more than anything, but sometimes you just need your best friend.

I need to add watching what I eat, portion control, and how many times I eat. This isn’t a restriction I put on myself, it’s doctors orders. I go through phases where I follow it and when I don’t. I can feel a difference what I do what he says, and when I just eat large portions, I eat like twice a day, and eat softer foods. I haven’t been following it and my stomach has been hurting and I’ve been super bloated. Which is not good. I need to focus on my overall health. Including my digestive health. So I need to add that to my routine, not just my morning, but my non existent daily routine.

I also need to stop wearing clothes with holes in them. That’s how much I don’t care. I constantly wear shirts with holes in the armpits or leggings with random holes in them, that I don’t even know how they got there. So, those are the two things I’ll add to my daily routine. I also miss wearing makeup, I could put it on for no reason, but I just don’t have the energy. I also have stress pimples, which is so much fun. I should add skincare to my morning routine. I cleanse my face, but that’s about it. I need to just add one thing at a time though. I can’t push my limits because then I’ll just stop the routine all together.

So, I’m going to try and get back into the groove of having a routine and add a few necessary extras. I’m going to go set my intention and choose my word of the week.