Meditative Morning

I woke up this morning in a surprisingly relaxed mood. Just very chill. It was odd, but I woke up before sunrise, which I rarely ever do. Especially since I’ve been done with school. I mean, I’ve only been done with school for about two weeks or so. However, this is the first morning I’ve felt like this. I’m going back to my old morning routine I think. Which was coffee, podcasts, maybe a workout, and writing or reading. I’ve actually added crocheting to that, but I need to add some quiet time into my mornings. For the past year I’ve just woken up and put on YouTube and just be done with it. I need to be more mindful and meditative though. When I get anxious I have started being mindful of my breath and just turning everything off. No distractions, just me and my breath. It’s amazing what a few deep breaths can do.

It helps when I put my headphones in too. I think I’ll add a simple book into my morning routine, nothing too heavy. I think I’ll add Percy Jackson. I’ve read it before, but I think I want to do a reread. I think it will help me ease into my day without getting excited and just shoving me into a my day. I also need to add eating a normal breakfast into my morning. I just want to have a relaxing morning from now on.

I also want to start doing more blog posts about actual things not just posts about my mornings. I focus a lot on myself. Like an unhealthy amount. I think that’s why I get so anxious all the time, I’m just in my own head all the time, thinking about myself and what I’m doing wrong and just me me me. And here I am, just writing about myself. This is my blog though. So, it’s a fine line.

I’m going on vacation in a month in a half and I’m very excited. We’re going upstate and it will be very nice to get away.

It’s a little later in the day now, and my meditative morning has faded away. Now it’s filled with boredom and anxiety, fidgeting and lack of focus. I hate when this happens, I’ll have an okay morning, but then I realize how much of the day I have left and I start to panic. Like, what am I supposed to do all day? I mean, I have options, but when I sit down to do any of them I just get a wave of anxiety. Which then makes me not want to do anything. So, I’ll just sit and get stuck in my own head. I can’t stay like that though, if I start living in these feelings I’ll just spiral.

I think I have to work on chucks of my day. Like I’ll work on making my mornings smooth, then I’ll work on being less anxious and panicky in the afternoon, and so on. I just don’t know what to do any more. My boyfriend says it could be an identity crisis because I’m technically graduated. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like it.

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Books on Books

Hi Everyone!

So, I just wanted to update you on some changes. I know I haven’t been very active, but I’ve been having a massive lack of inspiration and time. I miss blogging and hope to get back into the swing of things soon. I’m finishing up my undergrad this summer, so I’ll have tons of free time after August.

The updates that I wanted to let you know about is that I’m going to be adding a bunch more book content. I’ve been obsessed with reading and buying books and I want to hold myself accountable to actually read them. I will still write about my mental health, but I’ve been working on that a lot and I’m not ready to talk about this new journey I’m on. So, books it is!

I’ll give a quick mental health update though. I’ve been having ups and downs, nothing new there. I haven’t added or subtracted any meds. I’m just trying to accept myself as I am. I’m working very hard and I’ll let you in the loop when I’m ready.

The first book I’ll be working on is The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen. One of my absolute FAVORITE books.

I hope you’re all doing well and I’ll speak with you soon!

Update

It’s been quite a while since I’ve been here. I’m not sure why. I mean, I go through phases like everyone else. But it’s been almost six months. I’ve taken breaks before, but not like this. It was as if all the creativity and drive had left me. It hurt me to not write, but at the same time I had nothing to say. There was a lot happening in my private life. Here I am though. I made it through and I’m back.

I honestly don’t know where I left off on my journey through life on this blog. I can tell you that my symptoms have barely improved. I’m having a little bit of depression now actually. I’m going to be graduating in August and I’m just not excited. Like right now, i don’t even care. Which makes me feel bad. I’ve been trying meditation, but I keep getting stuck in the same loop. Negative thoughts, followed by more negative thoughts, followed by tactile hallucinations. Which are new. Yay for Bipolar…

I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say here, but I just wanted to get something down. I need to work on my pessimism. How many times have I said that? Too many. To the point where it just means nothing.

Oh! Well there is one update. Essentially my business failed. So, that really put a damper on our quarantine, which was already pretty bad. So, I’ll probably be making another post about that, but it was rough to accept it. I was in denial for a little while, but now I just have one more thing under my belt. I just put so much energy into it and basically it was for nothing. So, that sucked. A lot of things sucked. Things a kind of looking up, but at this moment out apartment is a mess. I can’t even get to my desk. I’m also taking summer classes so that’s something to look forward to. 3 and a half hour classes twice a week…yayyyyy…

I’m hoping I’ll be able to get back into the swing of things with this. We’ll see!

New Year, New Me?

Nah. I’m not about that. I’m not even that into new years resolutions. So, here I am on January 1st, 2021. It sounds crazy to say. Some how I made it through 2020. And all I can ask myself is, How? Like, gurl, how the hell did you do that? I should be proud of myself. It’s hard to appreciate how far I had to come to make it through 2020, when all I can think about are the mood swings that were and those that are to come. Right this second, I’m in an irritable, angry mood. For no other reason other than, I just am. It’s hard to accept that fact, that a lot of times, I just am feeling a a feeling and I need to let it be what it is. Not look too closely at it. If it’s an intrusive thought, accept it and put it on the shelf.

So, are there things I want to accomplish in 2021? Of course. I made a list of more things I want to do, and less things I want to do. Some of them are basic, like don’t eat gluten. Other ones are a lot harder, like don’t stream too much, don’t intake as much social media. I want to read more, but right now it seems that I don’t have the focus for one book. Earlier in 2020 I attempted to put a “one book” rule in place. In which I could only read one book at a time. Then once I finished that book, I could move onto the next. The thing is, my bipolar brain doesn’t work like that.

My bipolar brain needs just the right amount of stimulation. Too much, I get over whelmed and anxious. When there’s a lack of stimulation, like there has been this year, I get manic. I can never seem to find that balance though. Which, means I’m almost always symptomatic. So, i would like to control that in 2021. I know that’s kind of a doozy of a goal, because it’s impossible to control something you don’t fully understand.

I’ve been anxious all day, it’s like a new year hasn’t even started. I’ve been rocking more, I’ve been cocooning in blankets more. It’s a bit reminiscent of my hiding in the closet days. I would curl up and sleep on the floor of my mini walk in closet. So, I’m not sure if it’s the best thing to do. I don’t know. I need something, but I’m not sure what it is exactly. I just know “New Year, New Me” will not solve any of my problems. I’m just so tired all the time and my doctor thinks it’s because of all the meds I’m on. A lot of them have side effects of lethargy. I just don’t want to feel so lost this year. I want to find a way to be more grounded. So, cheers to the new year, may yours be filled with health and happiness, and here’s to hopefully more blog posts coming from me.

T-Swizzle

Okay, so this post is going to be about Taylor Swift. I know she’s not everyone’s cup of tea. So feel free to not read this post.

Taylor Swift has always been an artist I’ve loved. The first time I heard her was when I was in the car with my dad and Teardrops on My Guitar came on the college radio station we were listening to. This was before she blew up. When her first album launched I don’t remember if I actually bought it, but I for sure own it now. Her lyrics resonated with me. Even before I had ever had a boyfriend or been through a breakup. I’ve listened to her evolve. From country to pop to now a little bit of folk with her new album. I pretended to like country music when I was with one of my boyfriends.

Anyway, let me back track to my first boyfriend, well our breakup anyway. Enchanted had just come out and when my friends came over after the breakup we listened to that album on repeat. I listened to it on repeat even after that. Since then I’ve followed everyone of her albums. Each one does in fact remind me of on of my exes. A lot of times when she releases a new album I put off listening to it because I’m always afraid it won’t be as good as the previous one. She never disappoints though. I have a lot of memories related to Taylor. Like her album Red, came out when I was a freshman in college. At this point I was away at school and I preordered it. I remember when I got the notification that I had mail at my mailbox, and then I had the physical album in my hands. I listened to it on repeat. Like I do with every album. Folklore, her newest album, it released on Friday I think and I’ve listened to it at least 3 times.

My boyfriend makes fun of me for liking her, but there’s a special place in my heart for her. Is that weird? She’s an artist I will always love. When I’m down I listen to certain albums, when I’m manic I listen to certain albums. Her lyrics inspire me. If I’m trying to write something and I have no inspiration. I’ll pick a song and listen to it, open a blank document and title it which ever lyric resonates with me, then I’ll just write. I don’t know if that’s odd, but it really helps me.

I’ve always loved music, but I would always pretend to like music that was popular at the time. Like when I was 17 the summer after my senior year it was Drake and rap music. I was going through a lot at that point. I was dealing with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I was manic that whole summer. Now looking back at it, I was pretending, but I was really in pain. I may not have realized it, but I was. Looking back at it now, I wonder how I even made it through. When I was going through my worst depressive episode, it was Dawes, which is my favorite band. Taylor is my favorite singer, but Dawes is my favorite band.

Anyway, Taylor Swift is someone who I would love to meet and thank. I feel like as her music has evolved, so have I.

Catching Up

I feel like it’s been quite sometime since I posted here. Well, I suppose it really has been. I needed a bit of a break after the death of my grandmother. I’m back now, well I’m going to try and be.

Honestly, nothing much has happened in the past month or so. I’ve been stuck in the house. I just wanted to write a little bit about how COVID has affected my mental health. I am easily triggered, and will quickly have a mood swing after the initial trigger. So, being stuck in the apartment you would think that I would be able to avoid triggers, that is not the case though. I am easily triggered by videos and sometimes pictures. Also, by the emotions of the people around me. Since my boyfriend and I are spending every single second of every single day together, it’s almost impossible to not feed off of each others emotions. So, I’ll get triggered by something, then he’ll feel my stress and it’ll possibly trigger him. It’s a very delicate system.

Also, the business has not been doing the best. Due to COVID, people just aren’t buying our products. We try so hard. The lack of orders and work to do leaves me very anxious and bored and then I panic because I feel like I should be doing work, when there’s no work to be done. It’s all very frustrating. I have a very strong work ethic so when I don’t have something to focus my energy on, I get severe, debilitating anxiety. I tell my doctors and they try to help me and give me advice, but the bottom line is that we can’t adjust my meds. So, it’s basically me against myself. In my head. All day everyday. I’ve been manic a few times, down, but not truly depressed, but mostly the anxiety. Except yesterday I felt extremely unstable. I don’t know what happened, but something tipped the scales. I feel like I need to channel my energy. I’ve been writing a lot of fiction, but I’ve kind of run out of inspiration.

I know they say that you have to write even when you don’t feel like it or if you don’t feel inspired. I just can’t seem to push myself though. Everything just feels off. Probably because no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’ve found that; no matter how much you try, it’s almost impossible to move forward when the world is standing still. Because we are still in the middle of a pandemic and things don’t seem to be getting better. I feel like there is no hope. Like I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even as I write this I feel a sense of panic. Everything is a struggle. It also doesn’t help that it’s like a sauna in my apartment.

I honestly am doing the best that I can. I just keep forgetting to remind myself of that. Sometimes, doing the best that you can is enough. Even if all that you do is get out of bed. I had a pretty strict morning routine, but somewhere along the way it fell to the wayside. I wish that hadn’t happened, but it did. I know not to beat myself up about it, but it’s difficult.

So, COVID has not given me any more drive, it hasn’t really done anything productive for me. I’m hoping I can start feeling better today and get back into blogging. I’ve really missed this.

New Moon

 

We’re running our first sale for the company, it’s centered around the new moon. I’ve taken notes and notes on the new moon. I’ve looked up quotes and looked at pictures. This morning I took a few minutes and actually read what I’ve been writing down and what I have written down, it really resonated with me.

The premise of the new moon is that it is a time for basically a refresh. It’s meant to be a time for setting new intentions, for a fresh start, for new beginnings. Everyone will interpret that differently. For me though, well I’m not really sure what it means. I’m not sure how I plan to take it and harness the energy of the new moon. In a post last week I wrote about how I was exploring more spiritual things. The new moon is the perfect time for that. I can set intentions for what I want to find on this path. The thing is though that I’m not feeling very inspired. I’m actually feeling pretty exhausted from all the emotions I’ve been feeling this whole week. Of course when I need to be most creative, my bipolar has struck again and put me through the wringer and now I’m exhausted. All I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. I don’t have time for that though. I don’t plan on pushing myself past my limit, but I just need some time. The reason the new moon is on my mind is because of the sale. I’ve done so much research.

My plans for the new moon are to set some new intentions and a new goal or two related to my mental health. Most of the goals I’ve been focusing on are about my routine and working out and normal type of things. I feel like I’ve been neglecting my mental health a little bit. In yesterday’s post, Why am I crying? I wrote about asking myself what I needed. I think what I need to focus on my mental health a little bit more and not so much on perfecting my routine or adding in schedules or creating goal sheets. I’m not sure what I need to do to nurture my mental health right now, but I am going to be focusing on it quite a bit over the next few days. One of the things may actually be to focus on what I actually need and not what I think I need. Those are just a few things I want to create intentions for. My mental health is more important than anything and the new moon is the perfect time to set some intentions and new beginnings for my mental health journey.

Being bipolar isn’t easy, having any mental illness isn’t easy. Everyone is different and I can look up everything about what works for someone else, but that doesn’t mean it will work for me. I need to keep that in mind. I can take suggestions and try things, but finding what works for you on your mental health journey is trial and error.

The moon cycles affect me in general. Especially the waxing gibbous. I’ll get into that another day though, for now, it’s all about the new moon.

Are you going to create any new intentions or refresh during this new moon period?  

Why Am I Crying?

This is a question I ask myself every single time I cry. I was just stretching to workout and I just started crying. Bawling. I have no idea why. I know, sometimes you just need to cry, but usually, you know when it’s coming. I just started crying and the first thing I asked myself is what do I need? My answer, I don’t know. I don’t know what I need when I don’t know why I’m crying. I don’t know why I feel overwhelmed, I just don’t know.

Crying is tough on your body, you finish crying and you’re exhausted. I mean, it could be my bipolar, when I’m in the neutral space I just don’t know what to do. I just feel so lost, so I just cry sometimes. Then I wonder, is this a sign of an episode? I just feel so lost right now and I’m not sure what to do. How do I turn my episodes into something productive? I don’t have the answer for myself for that one. I feel like this is a manic episode, I just feel it in my bones. I can’t sit still, my mind is going a million miles a minute. I feel a sense of panic, I get overwhelmed by emotion and I cried. I think. I feel like I can’t breathe and I just have to go and go and go. I can’t though, I don’t know how to channel this manic energy. So, I cry, and this probably isn’t the first time it’ll happen today. I can’t even focus on this post. I wish I could just curl up back into bed, but there’s no way I could do that. Sitting still is not something that’s not on the agenda today. My mind is all fuzzy, I’m not sure if that happens to anyone else when they feel manic.

Okay, it’s after that initial morning cry that set my whole day in motion. I was convinced that bawling my eyes out in the middle of my living room floor would set the tone for my day. Somehow, it didn’t. Well, at least I don’t think so. I feel pretty okay right now, but I feel like today is going to be a day of mood swings. I’m going to assume mostly up feelings. I still don’t know what set me off this morning. It made me very nervous because I didn’t know if it was a sign of something bigger to come, but so far so good. I mean I am feeling pretty anxious right now, mostly about how the start of my day will affect the rest of the day. I want to try and give myself time to rest, but I also want to try and get stuff done because yesterday was a wash.

Also, all of this has caused me to get a stress pimple. Which means I am very stressed out. I keep trying deep breathing and all of those things. At the end of the day though, a lot of my emotional issues stem from being Bipolar. I don’t want to let being bipolar define me or let it dictate my day, but some days it just does. Somedays, my bipolar rules the day, and as much as I want to fight it, I can’t and I will cry. So, a lot of times I’m crying because I’m fighting an invisible enemy and somedays I’m tired of fighting it.

Let Me Talk About My Feelings

I started this post last night when I was feeling pretty bad. I didn’t understand why I was feeling bad, but I was. I still don’t know what I feel right now. Yesterday was a weird day. If you saw my Routine Ruiner post, then you would know that I was having stomach pain, which caused me to wake up at 5 am, which unfortunately set the tone for my day. I just created a morning routine, and I was pretty keen on sticking to it. This was the first time I felt that bad and I didn’t know what to do. I don’t have the mindset yet to where I can say to myself, it’s okay that you are having pain, it’s temporary, you’ll get back on your routine tomorrow. Which to my own surprise I did. I slept a little bit later, but I still did it. Honestly, I’m very proud of myself.

I haven’t been feeling as down recently which is very good for me. Being Bipolar regulating my moods is a full time job. It goes like this, I feel bad, what do I have in my tool kit to try and make me feel less bad. When nothing in my tool kit works, I have to wing it, which usually leads to me giving in and laying on the couch and just falling deeper and deeper into that feeling. Then maybe a little while I may swing up, then I have to think to myself, okay, is this turning into mania? Then I have to put my tools in place that I use to prevent mania. I can become so focused on these things that I forget that I don’t have to hone in on these specific tools are not the only things that I can do. I do need to focus though on that one feeling, if I feel bad, focus on that, I need to not focus on whether or not I’m going to swing into mania. I need to tell myself, that this moon is temporary, which it is. Yet, when you’re stuck in it you feel like this is the worst and it’s never going to end.

Sometimes it’s kind of like, maybe it would be better if I didn’t feel anything. That’s not something you want though, trust me. I want for years not knowing what I felt, I couldn’t explain them, I couldn’t put them in boxes, as in someone would ask me what I felt, and all I could do was shrug my shoulders and cry or panic. I couldn’t decipher between mania and depression, which were essentially my only two mood states.

Now those days were extremely terrible. I don’t even know how I got through it. Anyway, flash forward to today, I feel too many feeling, I mean maybe it’s the normal amount of feelings for someone else. For me though, it’s a lot to figure out. For example, there are what I like to call, mini feelings. Those are the feelings that are not your basic, bad, sad, happy, the usual. I’m learning to navigate feelings like, melancholy. If you had told me that this was a feeling that existed a few years ago, I would have panicked. Now, it’s what I use a lot of the time to describe what I feel. So, that’s just a little bit about my feelings and how far I’ve come.

(written on 5/15/20)

I’m Just…

Tired, I’m just tired. Well more like exhausted, but not in an emotional way. Which is usually why I’m exhausted. I feel fine mentally, I mean I’m having a little bit of anxiety, but that’s nothing new. I think I’m so exhausted because I’m not as anxious. When I’m anxious my body just gets so tense and I just feel bad. Now that I’m less anxious, my body isn’t as tense, therefore my body is exhausted while my mind is not. My mind is telling me to do all these things, listen to podcasts, exercise, do all the work things. My body on the other hand is like, nope. It’s very irritating. Because my mind is clear and ready to go, but I just don’t want to. I have the ability to relax because my body isn’t tense, but because of my mind, I just can’t relax.

Maybe I need to start meditating. That’s the one thing everyone suggests that I don’t do, I just feel so awkward doing it. I’m not sure. I mean, I could try it in the morning while my coffee is brewing. Which takes about 4 minutes. So, maybe I could try 3 minutes, and just clear my mind and relax. I’m not very good at relaxing to begin with. I always feel like there’s something I should be doing.

Okay, it’s the next morning, and I am exhausted. I slept through the night just fine, but I woke up at 5:45 (which seems to be the new normal) did my morning routine. Watch some YouTube videos, eat a very small snack, then I did one of the circuits I created to exercise, made coffee, and now I’m listening to a podcast while trying to get some work done. I just want to curl up under the blankets and go back to sleep. The past week or so that I did this, I woke up and I was fine all day. Today that’s not the case. I’m just beyond exhausted. There’s tons to do today also, a full schedule of roasting, and working on the new blog that I’m creating for our business. I need to research some things, like what other companies in the same industry blog about, and other things along those lines.

I feel like if I keep going like this, I’m going to burn out. I feel though that because of my bipolar it’s one extreme or another. Like, its go, go, go, or nope, not happening. There is no in between. I know I need to work on that, because it really does bother me.