Meditative Morning

I woke up this morning in a surprisingly relaxed mood. Just very chill. It was odd, but I woke up before sunrise, which I rarely ever do. Especially since I’ve been done with school. I mean, I’ve only been done with school for about two weeks or so. However, this is the first morning I’ve felt like this. I’m going back to my old morning routine I think. Which was coffee, podcasts, maybe a workout, and writing or reading. I’ve actually added crocheting to that, but I need to add some quiet time into my mornings. For the past year I’ve just woken up and put on YouTube and just be done with it. I need to be more mindful and meditative though. When I get anxious I have started being mindful of my breath and just turning everything off. No distractions, just me and my breath. It’s amazing what a few deep breaths can do.

It helps when I put my headphones in too. I think I’ll add a simple book into my morning routine, nothing too heavy. I think I’ll add Percy Jackson. I’ve read it before, but I think I want to do a reread. I think it will help me ease into my day without getting excited and just shoving me into a my day. I also need to add eating a normal breakfast into my morning. I just want to have a relaxing morning from now on.

I also want to start doing more blog posts about actual things not just posts about my mornings. I focus a lot on myself. Like an unhealthy amount. I think that’s why I get so anxious all the time, I’m just in my own head all the time, thinking about myself and what I’m doing wrong and just me me me. And here I am, just writing about myself. This is my blog though. So, it’s a fine line.

I’m going on vacation in a month in a half and I’m very excited. We’re going upstate and it will be very nice to get away.

It’s a little later in the day now, and my meditative morning has faded away. Now it’s filled with boredom and anxiety, fidgeting and lack of focus. I hate when this happens, I’ll have an okay morning, but then I realize how much of the day I have left and I start to panic. Like, what am I supposed to do all day? I mean, I have options, but when I sit down to do any of them I just get a wave of anxiety. Which then makes me not want to do anything. So, I’ll just sit and get stuck in my own head. I can’t stay like that though, if I start living in these feelings I’ll just spiral.

I think I have to work on chucks of my day. Like I’ll work on making my mornings smooth, then I’ll work on being less anxious and panicky in the afternoon, and so on. I just don’t know what to do any more. My boyfriend says it could be an identity crisis because I’m technically graduated. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like it.

Morning Anxiety, Still?

I woke up with so much anxiety this morning. I have been most mornings actually. I’m not sure why, but having anxiety as soon as I wake up is probably one of my least favorite things. Because I just want to enjoy my morning. Drink my coffee, watch some YouTube, crochet a little bit, maybe read. I feel like I can;t get any of those things done though because I’m consumed by anxiety. It’s not stress, because I’m done with school, which is usually the root of all my stress. It’s straight up anxiety. I have a scale 1-10, if my anxiety is at an 8, I take a xanax. If it’s below that, I try to use the tools in my tool box to try and bring down the anxiety.

I don’t have a lot of tools in my “tool box”, as you think I might seeing as I’ve been dealing with my mental heath pretty much my entire life. I just don’t know what you would consider a tool. I just try to practice mindfulness, which I’m not very good at. I try distraction, which usually is the winner, but it has to be the right distraction. Makeup videos? Nope, they usually just make it worse. I usually just end up scrolling through social media looking for funny videos. I might put on some video game channels (yes, I watch people play video games to calm down) or my favorite distraction is watching channels about books. Reading does help, but when I’m anxious anything that gets my blood pumping just fuels my anxiety. So, I have to read a compelling, but not super action packed books. Same thing goes for TV shows or movies.

I don’t wake up exhausted or anything, I just wake up with my mind racing and panic in my chest. It takes a few minutes to sink in, but after I’ve wiped the sleep from my eyes it truly sets in. It’s very annoying. It’s just persistent anxiety. Writing does help though. Sometimes I’ll pick up my cat or force my dog to come sit with me while she’s still half asleep. I’m just so on edge for no reason. I keep hearing things as assigning problematic things to them. The garbage men coming to pick up the garage are actually trying to break into my house. I mean, I suppose that’s anxiety sprinkled with paranoia. The worst though is that we have some gnats in my apartment and I constantly feel like they’re crawling on me. That is just very uncomfortable. It usually just ends up being a stray hair. Because I have so much of it I’m constantly shedding.

I suppose I could turn my anxiety into something productive, but that’s a slippery slope because it’s possible that it will trigger mania. I’ve also been having trouble eating, like I want to eat, but I’m not really hungry. I saw a dietitian and she has me on a diet, it’s not a strict diet, but I’m having trouble reaching my calorie count every day. Because I need high calorie, but low carb, and I’m just not getting the hang of it. It’s very frustrating. So, I suppose I’m anxious about reaching my calorie count being in the correct range.

So, bottom line, morning anxiety is annoying and disruptive.

Back Again (Hopefully)

Okay, so, It’s been quite awhile, but I feel like I’m in a place to start blogging again. If you’ve been following me for some time you would know that I’ve been chasing my bachelors degree. Well I’m happy to say (finally) that, I AM GRADUATING!!!!! I found out about a week and a half ago. After 9 years, 3 schools, 2 hospitalizations, and may mental health road blocks, I’ve done it. It’s crazy. Like, how? Well, I know how. Hard work and determination. Persistence and tenacity. Many other attributes as well, but it’s a great feeling knowing that I’m done.

So, now I have all this free time. What am I supposed to do? Well, nothing for the most part. My mental health has been pretty good lately, but there’s still ups and downs, but they’re nothing I can’t handle. I’m free to do whatever I want. So, you may be asking, Amy, what are your plans? Well, I plan on reading A TON, I’ll post a picture of my TBR list later, writing as much as I can, catching up on some shows, and playing Mario. Honestly, I’m excited. I usually panic when I have all this free time, but I’ve reached my most pressing goal, so why not take some time to relax? That’s where blogging comes in, I’m going to try and blog as much as possible, brainstorm a bunch, and just grow.

By grow I mean personally, blog wise, and bookstagram wise. I don’t really have a goal as to how much I want to grow or at what pace, I just want to. I’ll take whatever I can get. I just hope I some of my stuff will resonate with someone. I’m going to do my best to get back to posting blogs on a regular basis, but don’t hold me to that. Come on, I just found out I’m graduating!

So, yeah, hopefully I can keep this up and you’ll be seeing and hearing more from me!

Books on Books

Hi Everyone!

So, I just wanted to update you on some changes. I know I haven’t been very active, but I’ve been having a massive lack of inspiration and time. I miss blogging and hope to get back into the swing of things soon. I’m finishing up my undergrad this summer, so I’ll have tons of free time after August.

The updates that I wanted to let you know about is that I’m going to be adding a bunch more book content. I’ve been obsessed with reading and buying books and I want to hold myself accountable to actually read them. I will still write about my mental health, but I’ve been working on that a lot and I’m not ready to talk about this new journey I’m on. So, books it is!

I’ll give a quick mental health update though. I’ve been having ups and downs, nothing new there. I haven’t added or subtracted any meds. I’m just trying to accept myself as I am. I’m working very hard and I’ll let you in the loop when I’m ready.

The first book I’ll be working on is The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen. One of my absolute FAVORITE books.

I hope you’re all doing well and I’ll speak with you soon!

Panic, mania, anxiety, Oh My!

If any phrase could sum up my day it would be this. I spent the day battling anxiety, followed by mania, and finally a sense of panic. Followed by more anxiety. Also, stress on stress on stress. Most of the things I’m stressed about I have no control over, so it’s hard to deal with. Like fighting something that isn’t there. Eventually you have to give in and try and figure out why you’re fighting so hard. Usually because the answer is something you don’t want to hear. For me, it’s being told that all the things I’m stressing about, are out of my control. There is not one thing I can do except wait on other people and in one case trust my doctors and my body.

The mania was not fun, my mind started racing and I couldn’t stop the intrusive thought cycle. I was restless, you know the usual. Finally I’m feeling a bit better. I had some herbal tea, put on a podcast and of course xanax. Part of my issue is that I feel this constant need to do something. Like, I have so many books to read and shows I want to watch, that I don’t even know where to start. So, I panic about that. Literally the thing that matters the least. I get anxious about things that most people find relaxing. Probably because I’m horrible and even avoid making choices. As if I can make a wrong choice starting a book or a show and deciding that I don’t like it. If I don’t like it, then I have permission to stop. It’s as if I need to give myself permission to do things that other people just do, without thinking. I need to basically make a pro and con list about everything, then I like throw that pro and con list in the fire and watch makeup videos on YouTube. How is that a healthy cycle?

It’s not. A lot of the things I do are not healthy, as in mentally healthy. Also, I miss gluten. That has nothing to do with any of this, but watching people eat things my body rejects makes me feel pretty bad. My anxiety is back to being overwhelming. You know what I’m going to do? Probably Youtube, because I’m not very good at changing my habits or even truly recognizing that they’ve gotten to an unhealthy point. Which I feel like my YT watching has gotten to. I have a podcast on now, because that’s part of the things I want to do more of this year. I just need to be able to identify the unhealthy habit, figure out how to change it, then slowly implement those changes. I need to push past the anxiety in these situations, because the anxiety is uncomfortable, but keeping up with the habit will just make it worse. It doesn’t help how bored I am. I also can’t focus and a whole bunch of things just weigh me down.

The anxiety is so bad. I’m at a loss for words to explain why it’s so intense. I feel like crying, my chest is tight, every movement feels like I’m moving a mountain. I’m at a loss for what to do, I can’t focus. I try counting my breaths and doing breathing exercises, but nothing is making it better. My bf asks me what’s wrong and I can’t tell him because I don’t know. My mind is a jumbled mess. I just want to rock back and forth or bounce my leg. I’ve been trying to keep that under control. I know the possible solution to all of this could be mindfulness, but it’s not easy. I have all the help I need at my finger tips, I just don’t know how to use it.

Take Two

It’s the morning of January 2nd. I’m sitting on my uncomfortable couch with a giant mug of tea. Typing this to see if I can calm my anxiety a little bit. Yes, I’ve only been up for 45 minutes and my anxiety had already started. Don’t you hate that? There’s no sense of panic or dread, just little pangs of anxiety. I don’t want today to turn out like yesterday. Feeling horrible all day, being in a mood. Only worrying about myself and my feelings. It was not a good day.

I’m trying to find the little moments in life that make it better. One of them is not taking it for granted when your hot drink is at the perfect temperature. Which my tea is at right now. It’s hard to do though, because I’m always focusing on my symptoms and my internal feelings and monologue. Forgetting that there’s life outside of my mind. I can’t just sleep all day or lay in my bed all day, because that’s just giving me time to ruminate on my emotions. Well, the bad ones anyway.

Sometimes the anxiety is all consuming. Omg, I’m doing it in this post. I started being all like I want today to be better, but I’m starting to just fall into the anxiety hole. I do in fact want to be better all year, but I think I should just focus on being better today. I need to just deal with the emotions for what they are. I need to look into radical acceptance. I need to look into a lot of things. I want to learn more this year. So, I’m very excited for the semester to start, but it’s starting later than usual which is annoying. All my classes are online so I really need to hold myself accountable. Literally all I have to do is walk the 6 feel from my bed to my desk, heck I can even do it in my bed if I need to. So, I really have no excuses. I can even do it on my very uncomfortable couch. Which I’m hoping to get rid of at some point this year. I had my tea, but I’m still very tired and anxious, because tea is my morning anxiety band-aid.

I was never really a tea drinker, until I got my kettle for Christmas. I also, feel a migraine coming on, which is so much fun. I just want to crawl back in bed and go back to sleep, but that would be counter productive. So, I just turned the lights off, my computer brightness down and I just have to wait for my boyfriend to get up so I can find the migraine medication. Also, my cat is eating very loudly. I need to nip this migraine in the butt before it gets too bad. So, I’ll leave you here. If today is your take two of new years day, I wish you the best of luck.

Long time no type

So, it’s been quite awhile and some things have happened. Hopefully I can remember it all, because things happen and I want to blog about them, but when I sit down to write I forget all the things I want to write.

Let’s see, where to begin. Maybe I’ll work backwards from now until Taylor Swifts latest album release. I’ve been going through all the emotions. Mostly anxiety, constant, persistent, sometimes crippling, anxiety. I kind of feel like my new medication has sucked some of my creativity out of me. I don’t have any inspiration. Any time I think about writing I just find it uninteresting. I love writing. So, I guess I have to decide if that’s a trade off I’m willing to work with. I feel pretty good on it, but things just don’t feel interesting. Nothing sounds, good or fun. It’s just kind of meh. I’m not sure if there’s a solution to that. I mean, there probably is, I just haven’t found it yet. I’ve only been on the medication for about a month, but it was supposed to start working right away. If there’s a task I actually need to do or want to do, I can do it without an issue, but for now I have to deal with the lack of inspiration and need to be creative. Which is very frustrating. I figure writing a blog post would be the easiest to write because I can take a topic and write about it. When I write fiction the ideas have to flow from inside of me. And that just isn’t happening. I’m going to start trying to write more.

My school situation is weird for me this semester. I’m taking two zero credit classes, so I don’t actually have any work to do. I was actually looking forward to school because I wanted some sort of structure, but that went out the window. I’m not good at sticking to routines. I don’t like that, that’s how I am, but I’m not good a sticking with things in general. Working out, writing, reading, any type of craft project. I know that’s a habit I can change, but I don’t know how. Especially because my moods are so erratic. I’ll wake up one morning and be fine, but my mood will decline. I get burnt out pretty easily and discouraged. I was hoping that this medication would help, but so far it hasn’t.

The thing is that, life can be unpredictable. Like, my birthday was about two weeks ago and that didn’t go as planned. I got a belly button infection. I choked on a bagel and my boyfriend had to give me the Heimlich, which caused me that have rib and back pain. So, there really isn’t much I can do. Also, my dog had to have surgery yesterday which was nerve wracking (She is home now, everything went amazing and she’s resting comfortably). All in all I’m just in physical discomfort and that usually has an effect on my mood. I’m only comfortable if I sit in certain positions because of my ribs.

I know I should try and think positively, but at this point I’ve accepted that I’m mostly a pessimist. I worry and panic easily, I always think about the worst thing that could happen first, and I’m usually the first to jump to conclusions. I haven’t really been enjoying any shows or books or anything really so I don’t have any thing to recommend. Also, the business is being slow because of the pandemic. So, if someone were to ask me how I was handling the pandemic, I would answer, not well. I’m doing the best I can, well I think so anyway. I feel like I can be productive today, but we’ll see. Fingers crossed that I’ll have enough energy or general will power to update tomorrow.

There’s Something to Tell

As you all know I’m pretty open about my treatment and my Bipolar I diagnosis. I don’t always go into the exact medications I take. I also speak openly about my issues with migraines and how I’ve attempted to treat them and I think I should tell you about what I found that works for my migraines. Disclaimer: Let me make this clear, I do not use this migraine treatment as a treatment for Bipolar or anxiety, that is extremely important to keep in mind.

Okay, so at the end of September I was prescribed medical marijuana for my chronic migraines. I live in New York where medical use is allowed, but only medical. I didn’t go to get this because I thought it would be cool to have access to marijuana whenever I wanted. I got it because I felt like I was out of options. My neurologist didn’t want to put me on another medication since I was already on so many for my Bipolar. We tried gammacore twice, if you want me to go more into that let me know and I can write a post about my experience. The migraines had become debilitating. I would get one and I could not do anything, I’d be stuck in bed in the dark. It had kept me from going to class or going to other doctors appointments. So, we decided to go an alternate route.

In my state everything related the medical marijuana is regulated. I had to get approved by a doctor then I had to go through a whole process to get the actual product. The dispensaries are no where near my house. So I had to drive 35 minutes to an hour depending on which one I went to. Then I had to fill out a lot of forms, even though I had already been prescribed it. Then the product is not what you would expect. It is considered a medication so it has to be heavily regulated. There are several types of ways it comes, none of which is the actual weed itself. It comes in a tincture, a solution, lozenges, and a few other ways, but those are the only ways it comes because there is no recreational use. If you go to a state where it is recreational you can get edibles, like chocolate or gummies.

My preferred way is a tincture. Which is then cut with CBD and diluted. So it doesn’t really get me high at the dosage I take. It doesn’t even matter because I’ve only taken small amounts to prevent or treat the migraines and it has helped.

Anyway, this is probably the only time I will mention this on my page, but I thought you should all know.

Full Capacity

I’m having one of those days where I feel like i’m not operating at full human capacity. I feel all fuzzy and I’m not with it at all. I’m also very off balance. I’ve tried all the things I do for when I don’t feel like I’m operating at full capacity. Coffee, meds, shower, the usual. None of it helped. I feel like I’m at half capacity right now. The thing is though, do I even know what it’s like to operate at full capacity? What does my full capacity even look like? These are the hard hitting questions I’m asking myself so far today.

I mean I guess for me operating at full capacity is not feeling too, too anxious. Feeling like I’m productive and that I have energy for the day ahead. My morning routine actually happens, I’m not lazy. The thing is though, some days that’s not what my full capacity looks like. I would love if I could do and feel like that everyday. That’s my fantasy self. So, if that’s my fantasy full capacity, what is my actual full capacity? I suppose full capacity depends on the day, it could be any day where I feel like I have my life together after just 1 cup of coffee. It could be a day where all I do is get out of bed and shower. That could be considered full capacity for that day, because mentally and physically that’s all I could do.

The thing is though, that everyday I strive for the fantasy full capacity, but the more I strive for it and don’t get it done, I automatically feel like my full capacity will not be reached that day. I can’t strive for the impossible, I can’t constantly aim to be and act like my fantasy self. Because running at full capacity, means so many different things. The thing is though, if I keep trying to reach this version of myself that I’ve put up on a pedestal, and there’s no way for me to reach that self. Because she’s just things that I’ll never be able to be. She doesn’t deal with the constant mood swings that are my everyday life. She runs at full capacity everyday, she gets everything done without struggles and nothing seems too far out of reach. That is not an achievable goal, I don’t know how to reach that part of myself that I’ve put so high up.

Anyway, that was a tangent. Today I am not at full capacity and I’m not sure what to do. Like I said, I’ve done most of the things, but I didn’t exercise. Because as soon as my body feels that it’s not a full capacity day, it automatically messes up my balance and equilibrium. So all of me just feels off. I have to find a way to push through, because one of my two pairs of shorts is dirty, which means it’s a laundry day. If I can get the energy to get up and do it. i may just end up sitting on that couch all day, because that may be the full capacity for today.

I’m not sure what the rest of today holds and I may do a weekly wrap-up for later today, but I can’t make any promises.

Self Control And Anxiety

I have a feeling that we all have issues with self-control, I know I do. It causes a lot of issues for me. I find it very difficult to have self-control when my anxiety is at a 7. I’ll do anything to feel better to get the anxiety to stop, so self-control really goes out the window. I’ll eat or I’ll cry or I’ll binge watch youtube. There are things that I need to be doing for self care that involve self-control. Also, my routine. We all know the push and pull I have with my routine. One day I’ll have it down and I’ll feel good for a little while. Another day I’ll just throw caution to the window and just not do any part of a routine. It fully is a struggle. So, my anxiety and my self-control go hand in hand.

I’m not sure if anyone else feels this way. When I’m less anxious my self-control is pretty solid. I don’t overeat because I don’t eat much to begin with, but I still eat more than usual. I have digestive issues so eating more than what the doctor said is not good. I know my self-control has gone out the window when I stop listening to my doctors. When I let go of my coping skills or just ignore them and not use them. I can’t let my anxiety control me though. I can’t let my self-control go out the window just because I’m anxious. I’m more anxious these days. I’m not sure if I wrote this but my psychiatrist told me that since most of my anxiety is caused by grief the most I can do is use my coping skills, take anti-anxiety meds if I need them and give myself time. To me, taking time gets boring after awhile, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still need it. So, giving myself time is part of self-control, I need to control myself that I’m not doing too much because I’m bored, because time is not something you can control. I don’t know how much time I’m going to need, but I’m going to need self-control to keep myself in check.

I also need to stop binge watching YouTube because it doesn’t help anything. I need to stop sometimes and listen to a podcast or something. My boyfriend is also here to keep my in check, but he shouldn’t have to do that. I should be able to do that. Those times he has to keep me in check and bring me back to reality have become lessened over the past month or so. To me that seems like progress. That I have enough self-control to take into account what he says and take it into account and put it into effect.

Self-control comes in many forms. It could be me having the self-control to let my anxiety be and relax even though I’m bored. It could be trying to keep on my routine. It’s really in everything I do.