Update

It’s been quite a while since I’ve been here. I’m not sure why. I mean, I go through phases like everyone else. But it’s been almost six months. I’ve taken breaks before, but not like this. It was as if all the creativity and drive had left me. It hurt me to not write, but at the same time I had nothing to say. There was a lot happening in my private life. Here I am though. I made it through and I’m back.

I honestly don’t know where I left off on my journey through life on this blog. I can tell you that my symptoms have barely improved. I’m having a little bit of depression now actually. I’m going to be graduating in August and I’m just not excited. Like right now, i don’t even care. Which makes me feel bad. I’ve been trying meditation, but I keep getting stuck in the same loop. Negative thoughts, followed by more negative thoughts, followed by tactile hallucinations. Which are new. Yay for Bipolar…

I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say here, but I just wanted to get something down. I need to work on my pessimism. How many times have I said that? Too many. To the point where it just means nothing.

Oh! Well there is one update. Essentially my business failed. So, that really put a damper on our quarantine, which was already pretty bad. So, I’ll probably be making another post about that, but it was rough to accept it. I was in denial for a little while, but now I just have one more thing under my belt. I just put so much energy into it and basically it was for nothing. So, that sucked. A lot of things sucked. Things a kind of looking up, but at this moment out apartment is a mess. I can’t even get to my desk. I’m also taking summer classes so that’s something to look forward to. 3 and a half hour classes twice a week…yayyyyy…

I’m hoping I’ll be able to get back into the swing of things with this. We’ll see!

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Why Am I Crying?

This is a question I ask myself every single time I cry. I was just stretching to workout and I just started crying. Bawling. I have no idea why. I know, sometimes you just need to cry, but usually, you know when it’s coming. I just started crying and the first thing I asked myself is what do I need? My answer, I don’t know. I don’t know what I need when I don’t know why I’m crying. I don’t know why I feel overwhelmed, I just don’t know.

Crying is tough on your body, you finish crying and you’re exhausted. I mean, it could be my bipolar, when I’m in the neutral space I just don’t know what to do. I just feel so lost, so I just cry sometimes. Then I wonder, is this a sign of an episode? I just feel so lost right now and I’m not sure what to do. How do I turn my episodes into something productive? I don’t have the answer for myself for that one. I feel like this is a manic episode, I just feel it in my bones. I can’t sit still, my mind is going a million miles a minute. I feel a sense of panic, I get overwhelmed by emotion and I cried. I think. I feel like I can’t breathe and I just have to go and go and go. I can’t though, I don’t know how to channel this manic energy. So, I cry, and this probably isn’t the first time it’ll happen today. I can’t even focus on this post. I wish I could just curl up back into bed, but there’s no way I could do that. Sitting still is not something that’s not on the agenda today. My mind is all fuzzy, I’m not sure if that happens to anyone else when they feel manic.

Okay, it’s after that initial morning cry that set my whole day in motion. I was convinced that bawling my eyes out in the middle of my living room floor would set the tone for my day. Somehow, it didn’t. Well, at least I don’t think so. I feel pretty okay right now, but I feel like today is going to be a day of mood swings. I’m going to assume mostly up feelings. I still don’t know what set me off this morning. It made me very nervous because I didn’t know if it was a sign of something bigger to come, but so far so good. I mean I am feeling pretty anxious right now, mostly about how the start of my day will affect the rest of the day. I want to try and give myself time to rest, but I also want to try and get stuff done because yesterday was a wash.

Also, all of this has caused me to get a stress pimple. Which means I am very stressed out. I keep trying deep breathing and all of those things. At the end of the day though, a lot of my emotional issues stem from being Bipolar. I don’t want to let being bipolar define me or let it dictate my day, but some days it just does. Somedays, my bipolar rules the day, and as much as I want to fight it, I can’t and I will cry. So, a lot of times I’m crying because I’m fighting an invisible enemy and somedays I’m tired of fighting it.