The World Keeps Turning

I’m kind of tired to be writing this right now, but no time like the present I suppose. So, here I am, again, trying my hand at getting this blog back up. I have the time now and I really just need to find something to fill my time. Since the last time I wrote not much has happened. Well, I was in North Carolina for 3 months, but that’s about it. I’m helping take care of my 95 year old grandma now too.

Life goes on whether I’m writing here or not. The reason I haven’t been writing is probably because I haven’t had anything to write about. I haven’t had any inspiration or drive. I’ve become stagnant and it’s not good. It’s not healthy or productive and I need to get out of it somehow. So, my hope is that this will help. I don’t have a ton of followers, but hopefully those of you that do will stick with me. I want to plan some content and try and be creative with this again. I need to find passion somewhere. I’ve never actually found something I’m so passionate about that I can’t contain it. Right now, there’s nothing I would die on a hill for. I need to find the creativity and the drive. The will to create something bigger than myself. We’ll see though. I’ve been here before, but I really want to try. Not half try and give up, but actually put something into this. That’s my hope anyway.

Hope is something that’s eluded me for a long time, but I think I’ve found some. I’ve found the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s creativity. That’s the light. The world will keep turning no matter what I do though. So, we’ll see what happens.

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Panic, mania, anxiety, Oh My!

If any phrase could sum up my day it would be this. I spent the day battling anxiety, followed by mania, and finally a sense of panic. Followed by more anxiety. Also, stress on stress on stress. Most of the things I’m stressed about I have no control over, so it’s hard to deal with. Like fighting something that isn’t there. Eventually you have to give in and try and figure out why you’re fighting so hard. Usually because the answer is something you don’t want to hear. For me, it’s being told that all the things I’m stressing about, are out of my control. There is not one thing I can do except wait on other people and in one case trust my doctors and my body.

The mania was not fun, my mind started racing and I couldn’t stop the intrusive thought cycle. I was restless, you know the usual. Finally I’m feeling a bit better. I had some herbal tea, put on a podcast and of course xanax. Part of my issue is that I feel this constant need to do something. Like, I have so many books to read and shows I want to watch, that I don’t even know where to start. So, I panic about that. Literally the thing that matters the least. I get anxious about things that most people find relaxing. Probably because I’m horrible and even avoid making choices. As if I can make a wrong choice starting a book or a show and deciding that I don’t like it. If I don’t like it, then I have permission to stop. It’s as if I need to give myself permission to do things that other people just do, without thinking. I need to basically make a pro and con list about everything, then I like throw that pro and con list in the fire and watch makeup videos on YouTube. How is that a healthy cycle?

It’s not. A lot of the things I do are not healthy, as in mentally healthy. Also, I miss gluten. That has nothing to do with any of this, but watching people eat things my body rejects makes me feel pretty bad. My anxiety is back to being overwhelming. You know what I’m going to do? Probably Youtube, because I’m not very good at changing my habits or even truly recognizing that they’ve gotten to an unhealthy point. Which I feel like my YT watching has gotten to. I have a podcast on now, because that’s part of the things I want to do more of this year. I just need to be able to identify the unhealthy habit, figure out how to change it, then slowly implement those changes. I need to push past the anxiety in these situations, because the anxiety is uncomfortable, but keeping up with the habit will just make it worse. It doesn’t help how bored I am. I also can’t focus and a whole bunch of things just weigh me down.

The anxiety is so bad. I’m at a loss for words to explain why it’s so intense. I feel like crying, my chest is tight, every movement feels like I’m moving a mountain. I’m at a loss for what to do, I can’t focus. I try counting my breaths and doing breathing exercises, but nothing is making it better. My bf asks me what’s wrong and I can’t tell him because I don’t know. My mind is a jumbled mess. I just want to rock back and forth or bounce my leg. I’ve been trying to keep that under control. I know the possible solution to all of this could be mindfulness, but it’s not easy. I have all the help I need at my finger tips, I just don’t know how to use it.

New Year, New Me?

Nah. I’m not about that. I’m not even that into new years resolutions. So, here I am on January 1st, 2021. It sounds crazy to say. Some how I made it through 2020. And all I can ask myself is, How? Like, gurl, how the hell did you do that? I should be proud of myself. It’s hard to appreciate how far I had to come to make it through 2020, when all I can think about are the mood swings that were and those that are to come. Right this second, I’m in an irritable, angry mood. For no other reason other than, I just am. It’s hard to accept that fact, that a lot of times, I just am feeling a a feeling and I need to let it be what it is. Not look too closely at it. If it’s an intrusive thought, accept it and put it on the shelf.

So, are there things I want to accomplish in 2021? Of course. I made a list of more things I want to do, and less things I want to do. Some of them are basic, like don’t eat gluten. Other ones are a lot harder, like don’t stream too much, don’t intake as much social media. I want to read more, but right now it seems that I don’t have the focus for one book. Earlier in 2020 I attempted to put a “one book” rule in place. In which I could only read one book at a time. Then once I finished that book, I could move onto the next. The thing is, my bipolar brain doesn’t work like that.

My bipolar brain needs just the right amount of stimulation. Too much, I get over whelmed and anxious. When there’s a lack of stimulation, like there has been this year, I get manic. I can never seem to find that balance though. Which, means I’m almost always symptomatic. So, i would like to control that in 2021. I know that’s kind of a doozy of a goal, because it’s impossible to control something you don’t fully understand.

I’ve been anxious all day, it’s like a new year hasn’t even started. I’ve been rocking more, I’ve been cocooning in blankets more. It’s a bit reminiscent of my hiding in the closet days. I would curl up and sleep on the floor of my mini walk in closet. So, I’m not sure if it’s the best thing to do. I don’t know. I need something, but I’m not sure what it is exactly. I just know “New Year, New Me” will not solve any of my problems. I’m just so tired all the time and my doctor thinks it’s because of all the meds I’m on. A lot of them have side effects of lethargy. I just don’t want to feel so lost this year. I want to find a way to be more grounded. So, cheers to the new year, may yours be filled with health and happiness, and here’s to hopefully more blog posts coming from me.

Progress is Progress

I’m writing this on Monday afternoon.

So, I woke up this morning exhausted, like a, let my crawl back into bed and be a sloth all day. AKA do nothing but lay on the couch and just watch youtube videos to my hearts content, maybe even take a nap. Normally, I would give into that, let me be a sloth today feeling, but today I didn’t. I got it together, did a workout, and did some blogging and researching. Even after coffee I was already convinced I was going to fall back asleep, and I was about to give in. Then something weird happened, I didn’t give in. I pushed myself to stay awake, even if I just sat on the couch and watched something random. I thought to myself, who is this person. In my mind I didn’t really recognize myself, in a good way though, because all these things are changes for the good.

It’s now 2:20 pm, I’m currently having an energy drink, which is something I rarely have. I feel energized and productive. I’ve noticed within myself some changes. The thing with me is though, that once I see change I’ll just take hold of it and just grind away. Then I’ll burnout and those changes would have been for nothing. It just makes me feel bad, because I look back and say, why couldn’t I keep up with that or if I had stuck with that I would be better.

So now I’m trying to slowly make progress. Like, add in small changes as time goes on, because if I try and implement them all at once, I’ll burn out. I want to start making in-depth weekly and daily to-do lists, I want to set goals that are achievable. I want to have things to show progress, to show how far I’ve come. I just want to be more organized. I actually envy the people that can do that. Have the ability to plan their own lives for maximum productivity and just can make a clear plan. I’m not saying I want a completely structured life, I can’t function that way. I need loose structure. I need to start loosely scheduling my days, slowly. I’m not going to jump in like I usually do and try and plan every little part of my life. I want to create healthy habits that will stick, not something I’ll do for a few weeks then get tired of it and stop. I’ve put in a lot of hard work so far in the past few weeks, I don’t want to lose that or lose the momentum.

I just have to commit, commit to adding one thing a week, just pick a goal during the week before, and implement it the next week. I’ve decided to start my weeks on Mondays, Sunday’s are for relaxing or as I like to call it slothing it. On that day, I give myself permission to do whatever I want. Not change out of my pajamas? Okay. Lay on the couch and watch beauty videos all day? Sure. Once Monday morning hits though, I get back into the routine. The mindset is still there, because I’ve given myself permission to take that time. I’m not taking that time because I’m lazy and I just don’t want to or I tell myself I’m just down and there’s no point. I’m not so far in that I just cannot take a day off in the middle of the week if I need to. Say I have stomach pain one day, I’m not going to do a full workout the next day, and that’s okay.

So, I’m trying to create a routine and become more organized, but for me, it’s a slow and steady transition. I have to accept that.