Meditative Morning

I woke up this morning in a surprisingly relaxed mood. Just very chill. It was odd, but I woke up before sunrise, which I rarely ever do. Especially since I’ve been done with school. I mean, I’ve only been done with school for about two weeks or so. However, this is the first morning I’ve felt like this. I’m going back to my old morning routine I think. Which was coffee, podcasts, maybe a workout, and writing or reading. I’ve actually added crocheting to that, but I need to add some quiet time into my mornings. For the past year I’ve just woken up and put on YouTube and just be done with it. I need to be more mindful and meditative though. When I get anxious I have started being mindful of my breath and just turning everything off. No distractions, just me and my breath. It’s amazing what a few deep breaths can do.

It helps when I put my headphones in too. I think I’ll add a simple book into my morning routine, nothing too heavy. I think I’ll add Percy Jackson. I’ve read it before, but I think I want to do a reread. I think it will help me ease into my day without getting excited and just shoving me into a my day. I also need to add eating a normal breakfast into my morning. I just want to have a relaxing morning from now on.

I also want to start doing more blog posts about actual things not just posts about my mornings. I focus a lot on myself. Like an unhealthy amount. I think that’s why I get so anxious all the time, I’m just in my own head all the time, thinking about myself and what I’m doing wrong and just me me me. And here I am, just writing about myself. This is my blog though. So, it’s a fine line.

I’m going on vacation in a month in a half and I’m very excited. We’re going upstate and it will be very nice to get away.

It’s a little later in the day now, and my meditative morning has faded away. Now it’s filled with boredom and anxiety, fidgeting and lack of focus. I hate when this happens, I’ll have an okay morning, but then I realize how much of the day I have left and I start to panic. Like, what am I supposed to do all day? I mean, I have options, but when I sit down to do any of them I just get a wave of anxiety. Which then makes me not want to do anything. So, I’ll just sit and get stuck in my own head. I can’t stay like that though, if I start living in these feelings I’ll just spiral.

I think I have to work on chucks of my day. Like I’ll work on making my mornings smooth, then I’ll work on being less anxious and panicky in the afternoon, and so on. I just don’t know what to do any more. My boyfriend says it could be an identity crisis because I’m technically graduated. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like it.

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Morning Anxiety, Still?

I woke up with so much anxiety this morning. I have been most mornings actually. I’m not sure why, but having anxiety as soon as I wake up is probably one of my least favorite things. Because I just want to enjoy my morning. Drink my coffee, watch some YouTube, crochet a little bit, maybe read. I feel like I can;t get any of those things done though because I’m consumed by anxiety. It’s not stress, because I’m done with school, which is usually the root of all my stress. It’s straight up anxiety. I have a scale 1-10, if my anxiety is at an 8, I take a xanax. If it’s below that, I try to use the tools in my tool box to try and bring down the anxiety.

I don’t have a lot of tools in my “tool box”, as you think I might seeing as I’ve been dealing with my mental heath pretty much my entire life. I just don’t know what you would consider a tool. I just try to practice mindfulness, which I’m not very good at. I try distraction, which usually is the winner, but it has to be the right distraction. Makeup videos? Nope, they usually just make it worse. I usually just end up scrolling through social media looking for funny videos. I might put on some video game channels (yes, I watch people play video games to calm down) or my favorite distraction is watching channels about books. Reading does help, but when I’m anxious anything that gets my blood pumping just fuels my anxiety. So, I have to read a compelling, but not super action packed books. Same thing goes for TV shows or movies.

I don’t wake up exhausted or anything, I just wake up with my mind racing and panic in my chest. It takes a few minutes to sink in, but after I’ve wiped the sleep from my eyes it truly sets in. It’s very annoying. It’s just persistent anxiety. Writing does help though. Sometimes I’ll pick up my cat or force my dog to come sit with me while she’s still half asleep. I’m just so on edge for no reason. I keep hearing things as assigning problematic things to them. The garbage men coming to pick up the garage are actually trying to break into my house. I mean, I suppose that’s anxiety sprinkled with paranoia. The worst though is that we have some gnats in my apartment and I constantly feel like they’re crawling on me. That is just very uncomfortable. It usually just ends up being a stray hair. Because I have so much of it I’m constantly shedding.

I suppose I could turn my anxiety into something productive, but that’s a slippery slope because it’s possible that it will trigger mania. I’ve also been having trouble eating, like I want to eat, but I’m not really hungry. I saw a dietitian and she has me on a diet, it’s not a strict diet, but I’m having trouble reaching my calorie count every day. Because I need high calorie, but low carb, and I’m just not getting the hang of it. It’s very frustrating. So, I suppose I’m anxious about reaching my calorie count being in the correct range.

So, bottom line, morning anxiety is annoying and disruptive.

Weekly Wrap-Up

It’s that time of the week. First things first, I think you should you that my dog is very happy right now. I just let her out of the room, I keep her in there while I work out in the morning. Anyway, she’s happy to be awake. Me? Not so much. I worked out and made coffee and now I’m here. So, how was my week? It was interesting. I had a kind of breakdown yesterday morning. I didn’t want my boyfriend to know I was crying, so I ran into the bathroom and started hysterically crying. I’m not going to get into the circumstances why that happened, but it did. It really exhausted me. So I had a mini self-care day. I showered and did my nails, and just let myself relax a little bit. That’s my version of self-care.

Anyway, the rest of the week, I didn’t cry besides yesterday, which in my book is a win. We only got one big order from our sale, which was kind of disappointing. I have to roast that today. I did not write my business plan like I had planned on doing. I also didn’t finish writing my work blog. I almost had a manic episode Tuesday morning. I also did tons of work yesterday after I cried it out. It’s funny how during the week I’ll think to myself, I need to write this in Saturday’s blog post, but when I sit here I can’t remember.

I think I’ll list somethings that I’ve been loving this week:

• I’ve been loving drinking our Ethiopian coffee. It’s always been my favorite, but I’ve been more mindful and actually being tasting the coffee. If that makes sense to anyone. I also love adding Ethiopian espresso into my regular coffee, with a splash of Silk Almond milk creamer (caramel). It’s just a perfect way to start my morning. If you want me to go more indepth about coffee and the different types we like, just let me know!
• Vans Gluten Free pancakes! They are an acquired taste, but they’re a good option if I want something quick that I know I’ll enjoy. They’re microwavable, so if you’re not crazy about microwaveable pancakes, then maybe skip these. I’m gluten free for health reasons.
• Talking to my animals as if they were people. I mean, I’ve loved doing for as long as I’ve had them. I have one cat named Bruce (after Bruce Wayne) and a dog named Roxy, but we call her a million different names, the most popular one is Peapie. As my boyfriend says “we only use her given name when she has done something that she shouldn’t have”. Which is very rare. Unless our neighbors dogs are outside, then it’s pretty normal. She doesn’t get along with other dogs. Anyway, I constantly love talking to them like they’re people. Oh! Also, they’re my boyfriends animals, we brought them up here two years ago from North Carolina. They quickly stole my heart and I adopted them as my own.
• Podcasts! I’ve been vibing podcasts for a few weeks now. I went through a phase where all I listened to was podcasts, then I stopped. Now I’m back. My favorites right now are: Start Inspired, I Weigh, Approachable, and very specific episodes of The Joe Rogan Experience. Now you may be asking yourself, how in the world do I listen to that many podcasts in one week? And my answer is, I am constantly listening to them. I listen to them while I workout, while I work, while I write, while I roast, and when I’m driving.
• Finally, Penny Dreadful. I just started it this week and I’m only 3 episodes in, but it is so good. Very intense and not for the faint of heart, but it’s really good and I highly recommend. I have to be in a specific mood to watch it though. If I’m anxious, I can’t do it.

Anyway, that’s just kind of a wrap up, I’m not sure if I’ll do this format every week I’m still trying to figure out this type of post. Have a great Saturday! I’ll see you tomorrow for another post of Sunday Rambles!

Weekly Wrap-up

Hi! This is the first day I’m writing a post that isn’t going to be a pre-written post. I’m going to try and make Saturday’s a weekly wrap-up, the keyword there is try.

Anyway, how was my week? It was okay. Which for me it a pretty good feat. My moods weren’t as erratic, I’ve also stuck to my routine for the second week in a row. I haven’t done all the things I wanted to add, like putting on makeup or drink more water. I think Thursday was the low point of the week, it was a wash. Even my boyfriend agreed, it was a wash for him as well. I also have some morning anxiety after my routine has wound down, the type of anxiety that’s like, if I get off this couch I’m going to have a panic attack. I would have something that I really wanted to do, but I would stay on the couch in my safe zone.

So yesterday was a long day. I had a lot of work to get done, but also things I wanted to accomplish on a personal level. I needed to just focus on work yesterday, I had a lot of work to do. I had to cut my personal stuff, which made me upset. It was what I had to do though. I have work that I have to do every day, but there are some days where there’s extra work, and I have to prioritize.

I really need to keep track of what I already posted through the week, so I’m not being repetitive. On my list of ideas for what to write about for my weekly wrap up, it literally says, what I did. I’m looking at it and thinking to myself, what does that even mean. I can’t even remember what day it is let alone keep track of everything I do.

Actually something I found this week that I’m thoroughly enjoying, it’s an energy drink. I hate energy drinks, they always make me feel sick because of the fake sugar. This one however, doesn’t make me sick, and it’s glorious. It’s called Celsius and honestly, it’s amazing. I’ve only tried two flavors, so I can only say that the watermelon flavor has my stamp of approval. So try it or don’t just figure I’d share. Another thing is that I’ve started reading another book called Average is the New Awesome, and so far it’s really making sense to me. I’m enjoying it so far. As I read more I’ll write something about it.

On the agenda for today is, to start working on our business plan, work on the blog post for work, and stay off my phone. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but I have no idea how to write a business plan so who knows how long it’s going to take. I have a very strong work ethic, so I’ll start and I’ll make it work.

I’m going to try and make my Saturday and Sunday posts real-time posts. So, stay tuned for tomorrow.

Coffee Chat, Kind Of

Happy Fri-yay! I’m sitting here drinking my coffee, todays drink of choice is a redeye (a regular coffee with a shot of espresso) made with my company’s coffee. The coffee is an Indonesian and the espresso is an Ethiopian. Also, in case you were wondering I do drink my coffee with creamer. I know, I own a coffee business I should be drinking my coffee black, but I just prefer it with creamer. Now that my daily coffee of choice is out of the way. I’m writing this on Tuesday morning, I told myself I wouldn’t write today, that I would give myself a break, but here I am. I told myself I have posts ready to go until Thursday, so there was no need to worry about blogging today. I just have some thoughts though, so I figured I would write them down.

As I sit here I’m very hungry, but I’m weird in the way that I don’t like to eat and drink coffee at the same time. In my newly formed morning routine though coffee comes before food. I’m not entirely sure why I did it that way. I’m not as exhausted as I felt yesterday (Monday). At least not yet. I have therapy today, I’m going to talk about my go hard or go home attitude when it comes to making routines or setting goals.

Okay, I’m back with another cup of coffee. I like to listen to podcasts in the morning, so, I like to sit at my kitchen table, drink my coffee, and do whatever I feel like I need to do. I’ve been up since 6:20 and I’ve just been feeling lazy. I just feel like there’s so much to do this morning. I have this laundry list of things I feel like I have to complete, but they should just be things I would like to complete. I don’t want to put the pressure on myself, because what I have to do really revolves around blogging. I have some projects and in regards to this blog, it will happen with time and hard work, I also need to do work in regards to my business blog. Even though that blog will only go up once a week I want to have those posts prepared about five days in advance Mostly so my boyfriend can edit it. I’ll probably just spend the day researching and planning.

I started this book yesterday called Be Mighty by Jill A. Stoddard. It has to do with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Honestly, I’m only on chapter two, but I’m so glad I found this book. You know when books have those “exercises” within these self-improvement books? Well if you’re like me you usually skip over them and just keep reading, but I’m not doing that this time. I’m actually doing the exercises and I really feel like I’m going to get a lot out of this book. I’m very excited to see where it takes me. I already have my next book I’m going to read and I’m excited about that one too. For pleasure reading, I’m reading The Iliad and The Odyessy. I love Greek mythology. Just a little fact about me.

So, if you’re looking for a coffee recommendation or a book recommendation, I highly recommend what I wrote about today. Have a great day!