Sunday’s make me smile

I woke up at 5am today. Why? I’m not sure, this usually happens on Sunday’s though. I’ll wake up early, even before the sun, and I’ll watch YouTube videos, I should do something else. Something for my self care, I don’t know, mediate or something, that would probably be the smart thing to do, but that’s not me. I think I wake up this early because I feel less anxious. Usually, I wake up between 7 and 8, and I’ll experience extreme anxiety. When I wake up at 5 though, I don’t. It’s pretty weird, but that’s why I don’t mind, doing weird things, that is me.

So what’s on my schedule for today? Well there’s things I should do and then there’s the things that I will do. I like to make a to-do list every morning, made up of a mixture of both. So, Sunday’s its usually, shower, skincare, hair, and then relax. Then maybe I’ll write or do schoolwork. I’ll spend the day talking to the boyfriend and constantly texting my best friend. By constantly, I mean constantly. There’s a never ending flow of messages about the most meaningful to the most random things. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a friend like that, but it truly is a blessing.

Other Sunday things include, making weekly lists for my vision board, watching Buffy, lots of beauty YouTube, and music. Oh, yeah, baseball is back too, so Sunday’s are for day games and watching the Mets. Things that make my heart smile. Sunday’s are for that. I don’t particularly like Saturdays, like I said, I’m weird, but like a good weird. Sunday’s are my day though. Sunday’s are easy, breezy, for me anyway. Maybe today we’ll drive out to that little coffee shop I love or go to brunch or maybe just lay around the apartment. Who knows what Sunday’s hold, not me, that’s for sure.

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We are one

Don’t you understand that?

You hurt, I hurt. Your anxiety, is my anxiety. My heartbeats for you and yours for me. You don’t have to say it, I know. I know your looks and your actions. When you’re sad and you’re mad. I know you. We are one. My heart is yours. Your are that missing piece of my soul. What I’ve been searching for. You can tell how I’m feeling just by how I breathe. You can see right through to my truth. You are what I need. We are one. I would do anything with you. You want to take a leap of faith, I’ll do it in a heartbeat. You want to run, let’s go. You want to fight the good fight? I will put on my armor and stand next to you on the battle field. You are my world, sun, stars. You are everything. And we are one.

If you’re looking for me

You can find me on my private Twitter @russoamy3

Any road will take you there

I’ve had a song lyric by my favorite band (Dawes) stuck in my head the past few days. “If you don’t know where you are going, then any road will take you there.”

It’s crazy how much this rings true in my life right now. Between being in a depressive episode, trying to fight my way through school, and now my new fashion journey. I have stable things in my life of course, my boyfriend, my parents, friends, doctors. Yet, I’m still on my own journey. I’ve realized recently, that I haven’t found a point in life, I don’t mean in the depressive way, as in, life is pointless, but more in a philosophical way. I’m not going to get into that here though.

What made me think about this is a run in I had we my neighbor the other day, he has a daughter my age and we were close friends growing up. And he assumed I was working, that I had finished my BA, and that I was in graduate school. The thing is, none of those things are true. And as I told him, he had this look, as if, my journey didn’t fit into his idea of how things should be, how his daughters journey was. And that’s not fair. It made me feel like lesser of a person.

Recently I’ve been trying to retrain my thoughts, so I had to sit with that experience for a little while and think. I had to remind myself that my journey is my own. I am not the same as other people. And most importantly, that that’s okay. I have to learn to be at peace with the things in my life, with my personal journey.

I’ve come to learn that it’s not my journey verses someone else’s journey or your journey verses anyone else’s journey. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with, especially if you’re on social media all the time. It’s hard not to compare yourself to other people and how far they have come in the same amount of time. It’s not fair to you or your mental state. And I know for me, my mental state is of the highest priority. Even though I still compare myself to others, it’s only natural, I’ve come to learn to respect my journey. And that I’ll find a road to take me where I’m meant to be.

This is ridiculous

I’ve been on two specific medications for about 6 and a half years, because of these medications I have gained a significant amount of weight. With that came a slew more mental issues, body image, and such. So I’ve just found out that I probably need to start wearing plus size clothing, I’ve come to peace with that. The thing that I can’t come the peace with is how the clothing we have available to us is not even close to the same as what “normal size” people have. I’m 4’11” and 220. I used to be so tiny before this medication. So coming to terms with the fact that this was a side effect that I have to deal with because I NEED this medication (latuda). I tried coming off of it last year and I spiraled. So we decided to reduce my dosage by half. This did not help. Anyway, back to my clothing rant. I can’t go shopping because when that happens I’ll see such cute things and try all of them one and not one thing will fit me. Do you know how discouraging that is? I know some of you do. It’s disheartening. Not only can I not wear the clothes I like anymore, but my options have become severely limited. So not only am I wearing plus size, but I need petite, this is not really a thing. The bigger the size the taller/longer the clothes get. I feel like this is so unfair. I love fashion and have a closet full of clothes that don’t fit me and may not ever again. It makes me sad, for anyone in a situation like mine.

The fashion industry is broken, what they think is “plus size” isn’t. I never got angry about this until now, because I was living in a fantasy world, a world where I would someday fit into the clothes I want to or even today I could go out and buy something I really, really want. Well, that’s fantasy and I feel like I was just slapped by reality.

Why do I lie?

I don’t know the answer to that question, but I have to figure it out. It’s not that I lie about big or important things. I lie about the most meaningless, tiny things. It’s just ridiculous. I know part of the reason is that I’m afraid of people’s reactions and that they’re going to be upset or worse, leave. I couldn’t handle it if he left, that’s not a understatement. He’s my rock, my everything. So that begs the question, why do I keep lying? I lie because I want to protect myself, but the lying is pushing him away. The lies are so small that I can’t even think of one, they’re that meaningless. I don’t understand how my mind works sometimes. I need to be able to control it. It shouldn’t be that hard, but it is. The small meaningless lies put stress on the trust in a relationship. So why do I do it? Maybe it’s a symptom of bipolar, there’s no research though, there’s no concrete evidence. I medicalize things, I want to find a medical excuse for why I keep doing it, to justify it. But, why? There’s is no true reason why, it’s just me. The only person who can stop it, is me. I am the answer.