Books on Books

Hi Everyone!

So, I just wanted to update you on some changes. I know I haven’t been very active, but I’ve been having a massive lack of inspiration and time. I miss blogging and hope to get back into the swing of things soon. I’m finishing up my undergrad this summer, so I’ll have tons of free time after August.

The updates that I wanted to let you know about is that I’m going to be adding a bunch more book content. I’ve been obsessed with reading and buying books and I want to hold myself accountable to actually read them. I will still write about my mental health, but I’ve been working on that a lot and I’m not ready to talk about this new journey I’m on. So, books it is!

I’ll give a quick mental health update though. I’ve been having ups and downs, nothing new there. I haven’t added or subtracted any meds. I’m just trying to accept myself as I am. I’m working very hard and I’ll let you in the loop when I’m ready.

The first book I’ll be working on is The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen. One of my absolute FAVORITE books.

I hope you’re all doing well and I’ll speak with you soon!

Trying is Enough

I’m sorry about the unexpected hiatus. I’ve been mourning pretty hard the past week or so. I’m writing this at 6:20 in the morning. For some reason i felt like writing so I wanted to take advantage of it.

What’s been happening is that I’ve been consumed with anxiety. Like when I wake up, on a scale of 1-10, my anxiety is usually about a 7. It doesn’t really let up during the day either. So, basically to combat the anxiety I have to try and revamp my morning routine. Which I don’t want to do, but I need to. My mental health is the most important thing. If that means I need to change a few things then by all means I will. I’m cutting back from working out 6 days to 4 or 5. I’m just kind of changing random things to see if it’ll make things better. I’m not really sure what else to do. Today, i decided to have a snack when I woke up, with my water. We’ll see.

Another thing I’m doing is trying to change my mindset. I try to think, okay I feel bad, what do I need to do feel better? It’s more of an active way of approaching my anxiety rather than passive. Right now the answer is usually anti-anxiety medication and time. I’m so consumed with sadness that my body doesn’t know what to do and my anxiety kicks in. The only thing that heals a loss though is time. So, I try and find a distraction and relax.

Another way I’m trying to do is complain less. I’m constantly complaining about how bad I feel, like every hour. How is that being productive? If I just lay around and just keep thinking that I don’t feel well, I’ll get lost in my own head. That is not helpful at all and it’s very annoying. I’m not very good a looking at the big picture when I don’t feel well. Which is also not helpful. Since I’ve been trying to change my mindset things are kind of getting better. I feel better this morning so far, I mean, I’ve only been awake for 38 minutes, but usually by this point my anxiety would be a 7 and I’d be curled up on the couch under a blanket trying to control my breathing.

I’m going to make a to-do list today with like two things. I don’t want to overwhelm myself because that will trigger my anxiety. Let’s be real though, almost anything can trigger my anxiety. It’s more about how I handle it now. It’s about how much effort I put in even though I don’t feel well. It’s about trying and that has to be enough.

Progress is Progress

I’m writing this on Monday afternoon.

So, I woke up this morning exhausted, like a, let my crawl back into bed and be a sloth all day. AKA do nothing but lay on the couch and just watch youtube videos to my hearts content, maybe even take a nap. Normally, I would give into that, let me be a sloth today feeling, but today I didn’t. I got it together, did a workout, and did some blogging and researching. Even after coffee I was already convinced I was going to fall back asleep, and I was about to give in. Then something weird happened, I didn’t give in. I pushed myself to stay awake, even if I just sat on the couch and watched something random. I thought to myself, who is this person. In my mind I didn’t really recognize myself, in a good way though, because all these things are changes for the good.

It’s now 2:20 pm, I’m currently having an energy drink, which is something I rarely have. I feel energized and productive. I’ve noticed within myself some changes. The thing with me is though, that once I see change I’ll just take hold of it and just grind away. Then I’ll burnout and those changes would have been for nothing. It just makes me feel bad, because I look back and say, why couldn’t I keep up with that or if I had stuck with that I would be better.

So now I’m trying to slowly make progress. Like, add in small changes as time goes on, because if I try and implement them all at once, I’ll burn out. I want to start making in-depth weekly and daily to-do lists, I want to set goals that are achievable. I want to have things to show progress, to show how far I’ve come. I just want to be more organized. I actually envy the people that can do that. Have the ability to plan their own lives for maximum productivity and just can make a clear plan. I’m not saying I want a completely structured life, I can’t function that way. I need loose structure. I need to start loosely scheduling my days, slowly. I’m not going to jump in like I usually do and try and plan every little part of my life. I want to create healthy habits that will stick, not something I’ll do for a few weeks then get tired of it and stop. I’ve put in a lot of hard work so far in the past few weeks, I don’t want to lose that or lose the momentum.

I just have to commit, commit to adding one thing a week, just pick a goal during the week before, and implement it the next week. I’ve decided to start my weeks on Mondays, Sunday’s are for relaxing or as I like to call it slothing it. On that day, I give myself permission to do whatever I want. Not change out of my pajamas? Okay. Lay on the couch and watch beauty videos all day? Sure. Once Monday morning hits though, I get back into the routine. The mindset is still there, because I’ve given myself permission to take that time. I’m not taking that time because I’m lazy and I just don’t want to or I tell myself I’m just down and there’s no point. I’m not so far in that I just cannot take a day off in the middle of the week if I need to. Say I have stomach pain one day, I’m not going to do a full workout the next day, and that’s okay.

So, I’m trying to create a routine and become more organized, but for me, it’s a slow and steady transition. I have to accept that.

Throwback

Today’s memory that popped up on my iPhone.

So, I already have a post written and going up at 1:30, but this picture came up as a memory. So I figured I would pop on and reflect a little bit. At this point in my life, I was carefree. Committed to a school that I secretly didn’t actually want to go to, but I wanted the experience. I’m not saying that I’m not glad I didn’t go. Because it helped shape me into who I am today. This picture is at my graduation party, which was the same day as graduation. It was mostly family, but I had some friends there. I wouldn’t be diagnosed bipolar for another year or so, and my life would be flipped upside down. My point is, this is a happy memory, but it really just makes me reflect on who I am now and who I was then. 

 

2019 Wrap up 

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, lots of things have been going on. Some doors closed and some new ones opened as the year came to a close. I finished the semester with a B average, which I’m happy with seeing how many classes I missed. Now, next semester I’ve been toying with the idea of taking the semester off. That’s because I put so much pressure on myself during the semester, which is essentially detrimental to my mental health during the semester. Not one day goes by without me being symptomatic, and that basically sums up my 2019. 

All symptoms all the time, I can’t seem to shake them, with all the medication I’m on, it really doesn’t make sense. In 2019, my doctors and I decided no more med adjustments, unless it’s absolutely necessary. So, it’s been a lot of work on my part. I really can’t say what worked and what didn’t, I just know I got by and survived everyday. Between PTSD flashbacks this summer, to intrusive thoughts this fall. It hasn’t been easy, but I made it. 

Also, towards the end of the year, I started having stomach issues and decided to cut gluten out of my diet. Which has been difficult, but beneficial. Until the holidays hit, and now I’m paying for it. Its not about losing weight, it’s about my overall health and well being. Being in discomfort and pain all the time, when there’s something I could easily do about it. So what I have to cut out sugar and bread, two of my favorite things, if it’ll make me feel better than so be it. My doctor had me get a sonogram for it, to make sure it wasn’t my gallbladder, and waiting for those results made me so anxious. Meanwhile the anxiety probably was causing a lot of my stomach problems, so it was just a vicious cycle. The sonogram came back fine, so that made me feel better, but my stomach is still bothering me today. We’ll see what happens from here. 

I’m not going to get too much into what I already went over earlier this year, so this is just a catch up of what has been happening. Since he got fired, he’s been much happier, things have been looking up. He applied for a small business program within the unemployment office, because basically, with his skill set it’ll be difficult for him to find a job in the field, that he would actually want. He doesn’t want to work somewhere where he will be as miserable, like with his last job. Anyway, he applied and we got an answer, and well, it’s been a secret project. I can’t share much here because my mom reads my blog (hi mom). But exciting things are happening. They will be revealed in just a few days. I really can’t wait. It’s going to be good, we just have to show the idea to my parents, not because we need investors or anything, but because we’ll be working out of their house, if it gets approved. So, we’re doing some work behind the scenes and hoping it all works out. Hopefully, the state has enough faith in our idea, and if they do, I hope everyone else does too. It’s something that we’ve talked about doing, just in passing, but it could become a reality. All I can say is, fingers crossed. 

So, here’s to big things coming in 2020, dreams becoming reality, and just good energy, positive mindsets, and accepting change. 

Tuesdays Take you Down the Rabbit Hole

This is essentially how I feel today. Like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.

I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. Just falling, we’ll fluctuating, but it feels like I’m in a never ending spiral. I just feel so lost and like I’m not on stable ground. I’m not neutral, but I’m not down, it’s some middle ground and I keep going between the two.

You know when you learned about waves in school? Like UV rays and microwaves and stuff? You had to learn the length and the frequency and all that? That’s how I see myself right now. And the frequency is high, I would say rapid cycling, but there’s no aspects, no hints, of mania.

So, down, down, I fall. I wish I would hit the ground so I could know what to do or where to go. In this state though, there’s no meds to adjust, I feel like there nothing I can do, but ride it out. I try all my coping skills, I try everything, and nothing helps. It’s just uncomfortable. I don’t know how to explain this discomfort, but I do know that I keep rocking back and forth when I’m sitting or laying at home. According to my therapist it’s self soothing, but it’s not good. At this point, it’s the only thing that helps.When I’m at work, I want to go home, but when I’m home, I just want to be somewhere else. I don’t mean like isolate and abandon, I’d want my family, friends, and pets with me. I just don’t want to be here anymore, like in this physical location. I just don’t know, I feel like I don’t know anything.

I just want to feel better, I’m not sure where to go from here. Since I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to leave the house. Taking the dog out is even a struggle, something I dread. I love my dog though. I just don’t really feel anything, but sadness, anger, and irritation. I can mask all I want, but if I do that, people won’t know that I need help, but even then, how can they help me if I can’t help myself?

So I’ll do what I can to find solid ground for now, to stop feeling this feeling of falling, being in constant flux, and just feeling so lost.

The East End in July

I don’t spend a lot of time all the way out on the east end of Long Island (i live closer to the middle) especially in the summer. Today was one of the days though, that I decided to venture out the the lavender fields in East Marion. My, my, what an experience. It was just a perfect morning.

I packed up my boyfriend and the car, as if we were going on a road trip, and off we went. My parents were going to meet us out there. (I’m also one of those people who likes to be over prepared). Anyway, we ventured out and drove, and drove. We stopped for coffee at one of my favorite shops, which was packed, which I thought was just giving me an idea of how the day was going to go, but boy was I wrong.

We made great time out to East Marion and there was practically no one at the lavender fields. It was the perfect morning. The sun was shining it wasn’t too hot, it was just right. So we paid the fee to get in (yes, there’s a $9 fee to get into a lavender field, but trust me it’s worth it). Then we started meandering our way around the fields, there’s probably about 4-5 acres of lavender, it wasn’t fully bloomed, but it was still beautiful and if you like the smell of lavender, this is your type of place. There’s English and French lavender and it’s just a sea of beautiful flowers. And of course, purple is my favorite color sooooo, I was obsessed.

I always see people taking the cutest pictures in this field and they always look so amazing. So, of course, I made my boyfriend take a million and one pictures. And it was just the best day.

Let me just add some stuff about my mental state. This was a day that I needed. We left at 8:15 and we were back by 1:15, there was barely any anxiety, and it was just perfect. I knew what to do to minimize my anxiety, but still be able to go and do something I really wanted to do. So, I made the plans and just did it. My strength outweighed the panic today.

Another thing (I know this post is like a million years long) is that I wore shorts and a crop for the first time since I put on the medication weight. I’m not the biggest fan of my body, but I’ve been reading a lot about body positively lately. So I decided, eff it, and I wore the cute outfit. I cringed at the pictures a little bit, but the memories that were made today is why really matters, so I posted the pictures.

That’s my story for the day, it was a beautiful Sunday, in my beautiful life, and I’m the luckiest girl in the world. So, is it worth it, you ask? Going to the east end in the summer? Yes. But be sure to plan it properly, trust me.

Plan your escape

It’s a slow day at work today. I’m by myself, doing nothing, so I figured I’d write a post. It’s been awhile. Basically, I’ve been feeling good. Well more like neural, no waiting for the other shoe to drop kind of good, but just chilling good. It’s amazing. I haven’t felt like this in forever.

Anyway, I switched from adderall to vyvanse, so far so good. By that I mean I just switched yesterday morning and nothing bad has happened yet. Sooo yeah, I’m pretty happy about it.

I’m working today, I’m very proud of myself, I’ve only taken one day off in the last four weeks and I didn’t leave early any days. Like, who am I? The queen of “not feeling well” to the point where I would keep myself from doing things, even working. I’m in a much better head space from a year ago. Why, I don’t know. I keep writing in my journal, that something isn’t clicking, but that’s the thing, I think things are clicking. Finally. So no symptoms are the best symptoms, right?

I guess to answer my own question, it’s a thin line. Sometimes you’ll get too comfortable with no symptoms and neglect yourself, sometimes you’ll focus on it too much and you won’t let yourself feel, what I would call, neutral. So I guess I’ve found the balance. I’m taking care of myself, the best I can, but, also doing the best I can, I’m aware. Aware of triggers, situations, my own anxiety. Mostly triggers. I’m thinking about it now. Like, if this situation is going to make me anxious, than I’ll handle it this way. Instead of blindly going in and hoping it’ll work out, that’s not how my brain works. I need to be prepared, always have an escape plan. Even if it’s just me telling someone that I “don’t feel well”, that’s my default. No matter what I do or where I go, I think I’ll always be the queen of “I don’t feel well”. It’s my roots. I used to have trouble describing what I felt, so I would just say that I didn’t feel well, because that’s all I knew. I knew I didn’t feel well, I couldn’t explain why or anything past that, that was my baseline. For a long time. How and why that changed was a force of nature and it just so happened that, that force was me. I thought it was meds or biology, but it was me.

I am the force of nature behind this change.

Get it Together Girl

By girl, I mean me. I’ve been falling off the wagon recently with everything. Skincare, hair care, organization, self care and love, and mostly school. I don’t know what happened. I fell into a depression and I didn’t know what to do, then there was the crippling anxiety. I mean I guess that could have something to do with it, actually that has everything to do with it. I’ve had to learn that I can’t let my depression and anxiety control me, but that’s easier said than done.

I was also sick, then I was throwing up at least once a week for 2 weeks for no reason. It could be explained as stress, but that’s hard to except. That I was so stressed out that I threw up? That’s something new. I don’t like it. I know things are bad when my skin starts suffering. I have breakouts and dark spots and dullness. Things were to the point where I wouldn’t even wash my face or shower on a regular schedule. I used to have my weeks scheduled out, even my days, but that stopped working to make me want to do things. I just need to get it together. I just don’t know how. I feel lost and as if no one can help. The doctors have decided that I don’t need to change meds and that my dosage can’t be increased, which means it’s up to me. I have to find the strength to change and be better, do better. It’s easier said that done though.