I’ve been thinking

A lot the past few days.

About how, I want to do something important, something that matters, something that will influence other people. I watch a lot of beauty videos on YouTube, and it hit me, that they have such a huge platform, they have the ability to do something. They choose to do the things they do and for that I’m thankful. Because I watch them a lot and by a lot I mean a lot. Watching YouTube is my escape and I’m constantly looking for an escape from my bipolar. Being bipolar, I have different struggles from other people, certain things are more difficult for me, but everyone has their own struggle and issues, I don’t want to take away from that.

This escape, is turning into sort of an inspiration, not that I’m going to stop everything I’m doing and become start doing YouTube full time. I mean, I want to find my own little space where I can have an impact on people. I know I can do that by telling my story or maybe whatever I do can become an escape for someone else, like YouTube is for me. I want to be a safe space, I want people to be able to come to me as they are and leave a little bit more…something. I don’t know, inspired, heard, maybe they found something that relates to them. I want to help people and I want to do it sooner rather thank later, I want to start now. The thing is though, I have to learn to be patient, creating a platform, it takes time, it takes grit. I have grit and I have time, I don’t have patience. That’s a big flaw that I have. I have to learn to move past it though. Because a platform isn’t just going to appear out of thin air, I have to create it. I have to clear out my own little space in the world. It’s a journey it’s not magic.

I’ve been extremely blessed my whole life. I don’t want to waste that, I have had experiences and opportunities that other people don’t get. Yes, I have bipolar. What I do with that, is what matters. Do I give up and give into the disorder? Do I take it as just another obstacle and use it to grow? I guess it depends on the day. Some days I want to give in, hide and do nothing, other days, I want to be productive and just do everything. I suppose that’s the nature of the disorder. The point, is to find a happy medium. I need to find that. I want to find that. I want to find that space and just live there. Find it and so everything I can to stay there. Then from there, keep rising. Grow and learn and create. That’s where the platform will come from and that is where I will find my niche. That’s where I will live.

Advertisement

So much anxiety. So little time.

As I write this there’s a whole list of things I should be doing. I have two papers to write, 2 hours of research to do, and I’m supposed to have a meeting with my group for a group project. Buttttt, my anxiety has different plans. It always has different plans, my anxiety and I, we can never agree on anything. I took a Xanax, it made me sleepy, which made me want to curl up in bed, but I’m sitting on the living room floor instead.

I’m supposed to be making progress, my therapist said that I was, making progress, this morning. Then this happens, the anxiety grips me and squeezes, like a boa constrictor. I can’t breathe, I can’t think, focus, I can’t do anything. I have the tv on, but I’m just staring at it.

Take deep breaths? Tried it. Journal? Tried it. Any of my coping skills? Tried it. There’s always trying, but rarely results when it comes to my anxiety. It has a mind of its own. It has different plans. It doesn’t care that I have piles of work to do by tomorrow afternoon. It doesn’t care about anything. It just is. I know I shouldn’t let it be, I shouldn’t give into it, but sometimes I think to myself, I’m exhausted today, and I let the anxiety consume me.

I can’t create a coherent thought. That’s how I know it’s really bad. I honestly don’t know how I’m writing this or if it will even make sense once I post it. I’m going to do it anyway though, it’s something my anxiety will let me do. I should be the master of my anxiety, I should know how to beat it, but the thing is, I don’t think there’s an actual way to “beat” it. Yes, it can become under control or I can learn the best way to deal with it, but what happens on days where nothing works. It just piles up and up and up. Then it’s a mountain of anxiety I’m too tired to climb. So, I give in for the day Tomorrow will be better. Won’t it? I’ll have to wait and see.

The anxiety is always a part of me and I know it always will be. Yes, I can take Xanax to keep it at bay, but that’s not something that I want. I want to be able to take a few deep breaths and it be gone. Right now though, I want to sleep, I’m not hungry, I want sleep, but I know if I try to sleep, I won’t be able to. So what’s the point in that? Try, try, try, that’s what people think you should do, as if you try, it’ll automatically help. That’s not how it works though, sometimes, I need rest. Today though, there is no time for rest, today is supposed to be a time for work and progress and catch up, but right now, my day is filled with time slots, and each slot has one word next to it. Anxiety.