The Only Way Out Is Through

That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. It’s become my new mantra. I haven’t posted in a few days because I’m dealing with some PTSD related things. It’s been rough, I had a breakdown at work yesterday and had to come home.

So, at this point the only thing to do is deal with my issues head on, and work through them, because there’s no way around them. If I deal with them now, it’ll be easier in the future. If I choose to avoid them now, they’ll come back to haunt me again and again. It’s now or in another 3 years when the trauma resurfaces. Last time I dealt with this, I got extremely depressed, shut down, and ended up in the hospital because I didn’t want to live anymore. So, dealing with this isn’t something that’s easy. I’m in a much better headspace and environment now than I was then. Hopefully I can get through this a little easier than last time.

It’s like reopening a wound, making the skin raw again, and letting it heal. Like the Papa Roach song, “I tear my heart open to sew myself shut”. That’s essentially what I’m doing. I don’t have to necessarily relive the trauma, but I have to rehash some of it, bring it to the surface, and deal with it. I suppressed it, twice. Last time I dealt with it I just told people what happened, I never actually talked about it, I just thought that it would go away, and for a little while it did. Something triggered me though, and now I have to deal with it for real. According to my therapist I just have to keep myself distracted for the time being, which is easier said than done. It’s like when you least want to be distracted the more you are, and when you want to be preoccupied or distracted, you can only focus on the thing you don’t want to.

That’s where I’m at right about now. Just trying to get through the jungle of emotions, the mess of issues, and just overall trying to get better. I feel like this is kind of a setback in my process of trying to stay stable. So, I just have to keep going.

The only way out, is through.

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Quit Saying You’re Sorry (for everything)

I didn’t do anything wrong. So, why am I apologizing? I find myself asking this question a lot. Most of the time I think it’s to avoid an adverse reaction to whatever it is that I had done. I find myself apologizing for the most random things, like taking too long to bag my stuff at 7-11 when I bring my own bag. I wouldn’t call myself a passive person, but with the amount of times I say I’m sorry, you would think that I am.

I’ve been struggling the past few days, due to things out of my control, but the thing is, that my reaction makes the things worse. Most of the time I honestly don’t think I did anything wrong. I just don’t want to make waves, I don’t want to make things worse for a certain situation, so I say that I’m sorry when I shouldn’t. I think it’s because I want to save myself the trouble of cleaning up the mess of what ensues if I don’t apologize, or out of fear for what will happen if I don’t say it.

I have to learn that I can’t control what other people do or how they feel or how they react to something. I’m guilty of saying things without thinking, sometimes it warrants an apology, other times it really doesn’t, but I say it anyway. It’s something I have to work on, because instead of fully dealing with the situation, I stop it in its tracks and it just comes up again. I can save myself some trouble by letting the situation play out a little bit further, I suppose. I really just don’t know. The main thing is, like I just wrote, I cannot, under any circumstances control how another person reacts to something. Because everyone will react to something differently. I try to not let it get to me, but I can’t help it, I tend to take a lot of things personally, to not really have a thick skin.

I’m 24 I still have things to learn and things to figure out, it doesn’t help that I have Bipolar and anxiety. I feel like it just adds an extra layer to things, like I have to get past the layer of myself that deals with things on a bipolar level, then I have to deal with them on a level past that. It takes me longer to process things and I tend to feel things so deeply, I struggle with that a lot. Taking things to heart when I shouldn’t, even when people say what’s happening with them has nothing to do with me, I feel like it does. I don’t mean that in a self-centered type of way, more like, I did something wrong, it has to be why they’re feeling this way or that way.

Another feeling I feel very deeply, is guilt, I feel guilty about everything. Almost every word I say I feel guilty about, I’m always second guessing myself and I never actually get out what I want to say. So, I feel guilty about the wrong things. It really is just a mess that I’m in right now. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells, for no real reason in particular.

Fridays Are For Catching Up

Sorry I haven’t posted in two days. I’ve been trying to get better about posting everyday. But, Wednesday was just a rough day, I had no inspiration or motivation. Just thinking about writing a post seemed like it would have been too much. So, I gave myself a break. Then yesterday, I went to see JOHN MAYER. I found out like 4 hours before we had to leave that I was going.

Going to the concert last night was a big deal for me. It was at Madison Square Garden, it was sold out, and I stayed out past my bed time. I didn’t crawl into bed until like 1:30 in the morning. The amazing this, is I only got super anxious once. I mean, it was on the verge of a panic attack anxiety, but it was after the show. It helped show me that I’m stronger than my disorder, well, I’m stronger than my symptoms. I didn’t cry, I didn’t have to leave early. I had an amazing time. I never really believed in mind over matter, but I think I need to start having more faith in myself and my ability to cope. Because I made a choice yesterday, was I going to let my disorder stop me from doing something I really wanted to do? Well, something I probably won’t ever get the chance to do again. I took the chance and I’m glad I did. I know there are going to be some consequences from staying up past my bedtime, like I know my body might betray me, get anxious and uncomfortable. I 100000% believe it was worth it though.

I’m not really a person to take risks, I get so panic stricken that I’m going that have an episode if I take a risk and do something I shouldn’t. It was John Mayer though, it was free, it was amazing. I have no regrets and that’s how I want to live my life. I don’t want to live in fear, I also can’t do what I did last night on a regular basis. I have to learn how to strike a balance, with fun and carefree, while also being responsible. Like, I left work early yesterday because I needed time to collect myself and get ready. I had to take today off so I could rest and try and get back to myself. I guess that means that I just need to have a cushion whenever I’m going to do something like that.

I also don’t really like surprises, I like to know what to expect and when to expect it. So, yesterday was very out of character for me. I am glad I did it though. It was a good experience for me, to take a risk and do something spontaneous.

Tuesdays Take you Down the Rabbit Hole

This is essentially how I feel today. Like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.

I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. Just falling, we’ll fluctuating, but it feels like I’m in a never ending spiral. I just feel so lost and like I’m not on stable ground. I’m not neutral, but I’m not down, it’s some middle ground and I keep going between the two.

You know when you learned about waves in school? Like UV rays and microwaves and stuff? You had to learn the length and the frequency and all that? That’s how I see myself right now. And the frequency is high, I would say rapid cycling, but there’s no aspects, no hints, of mania.

So, down, down, I fall. I wish I would hit the ground so I could know what to do or where to go. In this state though, there’s no meds to adjust, I feel like there nothing I can do, but ride it out. I try all my coping skills, I try everything, and nothing helps. It’s just uncomfortable. I don’t know how to explain this discomfort, but I do know that I keep rocking back and forth when I’m sitting or laying at home. According to my therapist it’s self soothing, but it’s not good. At this point, it’s the only thing that helps.When I’m at work, I want to go home, but when I’m home, I just want to be somewhere else. I don’t mean like isolate and abandon, I’d want my family, friends, and pets with me. I just don’t want to be here anymore, like in this physical location. I just don’t know, I feel like I don’t know anything.

I just want to feel better, I’m not sure where to go from here. Since I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to leave the house. Taking the dog out is even a struggle, something I dread. I love my dog though. I just don’t really feel anything, but sadness, anger, and irritation. I can mask all I want, but if I do that, people won’t know that I need help, but even then, how can they help me if I can’t help myself?

So I’ll do what I can to find solid ground for now, to stop feeling this feeling of falling, being in constant flux, and just feeling so lost.

It’s 3 PM Somewhere

Everyday, without fail, at 3 o’clock every afternoon, I hit a wall, no matter what. I get so anxious and panicky, I feel suffocated, my mood dips severely. I can be in the best mood all day, but once 3 hits, I’m done. The minutes start going slower and I feel like I’m not going to make it to the end of the day. Somehow though, I usually make it. Sometimes, it’s just so unbearable that I can’t stay at work.

I don’t know how I do it. I suppose it takes some sort of inner strength. Something bigger is driving me, whether it’s getting a better GPA, or in the case of summer, money. Also, I have an hour quota I have to meet for my internship, so once I meet that, I can stop working. So, as of right now, I have 104 hours left, so I’m hoping I’ll be done in  about three weeks. The thing is, that, that all looks good on paper, but my anxiety has a mind of it’s own. Because for me to be done in three weeks, I have to work my regular hours, so n leaving early, coming in late, or taking long lunches. All things I do. I need to push myself to actually stick to my work schedule, because all the things I do now, probably won’t fly in the real world.

I feel like right now, I’m in a little bubble. The bubble that is my home town. I live around the corner from where I work, my mom is my boss, my barista knows my coffee order, and my best friends aren’t very far away. Boy, am I going to have a shock when I move. Which I 100% plan on doing within the next few years. Before that, the thing that pops my bubble, is school. I have to drive all the way to the opposite end of the island for classes. They also give me that 3 PM feeling, even when it’s not 3 PM yet. I hit a lull hard when I’m on campus, and I can’t not be on campus. I’m left with all upper division classes, so I have to go to class. Which means leaving my comfort zone, at least a few days a week. You think it would be easier by now, that I wouldn’t get so uncomfortable going to school, but even after all these semesters, it hasn’t gotten easier.

Bipolar and anxiety often inhibit me, which I know isn’t good. It makes me want to stay in my bubble, but then sometimes, I get so anxious or have an episode while inside my little bubble, that I just want to leave. I want to get out of here sometimes, I want to escape the 3 PM feeling, because sometimes I have that feeling all the time. Just the suffocating, panicky feeling. I need to find a way to cope, especially at work. I’ll start with finding coping mechanisms for work, then I’ll find some for school. Because what’s important now, is getting my hours done.

Summer Sundays

It is way too hot right now, 93 degrees to be exact, but it has to feel like 105, especially in the apartment. I had a very uncomfortable manic episode yesterday, which is why I didn’t post yesterday. I couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t even write. I can usually write through whatever I’m feeling, but not yesterday.

I got manic because I didn’t sleep on Friday night, which will always trigger a manic episode for me, and that’s not an overstatement. Of course other things will trigger mania for me, but lack of sleep will do it no matter what. The music festival was a lot of fun, but I got so worked up, I couldn’t sleep. Which meant mania the next morning. It didn’t help that I hadn’t picked up my meds the day before, so the abilify, which usually keeps the mania in check, wasn’t in my system. So I took the other medication I’m supposed to take when I feel manic, and it stopped the mania from getting worse, but it left me with an insanely uncomfortable feeling. The type of feeling where, you’re on edge, and nothing can help you come down from it. I find it to be one of the worst feelings. Towards the end of the night I told my boyfriend that, I didn’t want to feel anymore. Which is when he told me I needed to rest, like take away all the visual stimulation, put on a book, close my eyes, and just rest. Which I did, and it kind of helped, well enough to get me through the rest of the night.

This morning was a little better, but it was hot in the living room. When I wake up first, which is pretty much always, I go in the living room to do whatever until he wakes up. The air conditioning is in the bed room though, so all I had were fans. Needless to say, I just snoozed through the morning. Then when he woke up, I came into the bedroom and couldn’t sit still, again. I thought it was going to be a continuation of yesterday, which thankfully it’s not. But that’s the thing, I feel like I’m always living in fear of the next episode, or I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can never truly relax. When I’m not anxious, I get anxious looking for something to be anxious about. Why can’t I just bask in the moment? Or enjoy, even for a little while, feeling the lightness of my chest or the relaxation of my back. Things I never feel.

I’m a lot calmer in the summer, summer is when I thrive, emotionally anyway. Once school starts, the constant stress begins and I feel like I’m never, not anxious. The fear sets in even more then, I’m going to school, I’m so afraid I won’t do well and I’ll waste the money that was spent that semester. I’m so afraid of an episode, that I trigger an episode. It’s just a vicious cycle. I need to learn how to combat that. On the upside, I was able to work all my hours this week. I didn’t leave early or anything.

I’ve learned that a lot of things have to do with mindset. I’m usually in the opposite mindset of where I should be, because I’m always in a fearful mindset. I’m doing my best to be positive, to know my true feelings, but it’s hard. Especially when I’m not used to really feeling, feelings. Positivity is something that I have to work towards everyday, it’s something that I can’t give up on.

Good Vibes Only

I’m going to the Great South Bay Music Festival tonight! With my best friend. Sublime is playing at 8:15, which is super exciting. Their song Santeria has a special place in my heart. You know those songs that you hear and they bring you right back to a specific moment in time? That’s what that song is for me. It reminds me of my 21st birthday, before bipolar had torn me apart, and way before I was able to put myself back together again.

Anyway, I forgot to take my abilify this morning (sorry, mom), I’ll be picking it up from the pharmacy at 4:30 and taking it right before I go to the festival. I actually feel okay, usually if I don’t take my meds I can feel it right away. Surprisingly though, I feel pretty good, I’ve been having a pretty good day. I was anxious for a few minutes, and cried for 2 of those minutes. I feel fine now though. I’m hoping that taking it won’t kill my vibe today. Like I know I can’t just stop taking my meds. I’ve been down that road before, but maybe, just maybe, I can lower my dosage, which would be amazing. I’m so tired of being on the highest dosage of all my meds, it makes me feel like I’m so broken.

I have a weird relationship with medication. I refused to take it consistently for a long time. Which is what landed me in the hospital the first time, then my antidepressant stopped working, which brought on the second hospitalization. I’m so much on meds to the point where, when I go see my psychiatrist, I just catch him up on my feelings and symptoms, he puts in my refills, and I’m on my way. He doesn’t want to put me on any more meds, and we don’t have any wiggle room. I’m afraid to adjust them too, because I’m the most stable I’ve been in a very long time. It’s not like I’m just going to stop taking meds, unacceptable, that’s what I tell myself. Like I said, usually if I don’t take them I feel it right away. If I forget night meds, the whole next day is shot. If I forget morning meds, I just feel all floaty and outside of my body, my head swims. Not today though, today is good vibes only.

The question is though, if I start feeling bad after I take the meds, is it me feeling like I should be feeling worse because I took the meds? Or is it that the meds are actually making me feel that way? I overthink about everything, so the world may never know.

I’ll keep you updated. Who can say on site music festival post? That’ll mostly just be picturessss. Yes!

Thursday Reflections

So, I went to support group last night. It was pretty good. The people were nice and we had a good conversation and I found it helpful. It was nice to be in a group with people around the same age. I was only there for an hour, so I feel like I didn’t really get a good feel for it. Would  I go again? Yes. We’ll see what happens in two weeks.

I’m supposed to go to a music festival tonight. I’m writing this instead of getting ready, I guess that shows how much I actually want to go. I just feel so overwhelmed by the thought of going. I have free tickets so I would feel bad wasting them, but if it’s at the expense of my mental health, is it worth it? I mean, I want to go, but will pushing myself to go help or hurt me? I won’t know, until I make my decision.

I was thinking earlier, while I was at work, essentially having a full on anxiety attack, about somethings that happened a few years ago. So, when I was diagnosed, I felt like my world went into a tailspin and everything was out of control. I had a small walk in closet, just big enough for me to fit comfortably. When I felt like things were too out of control, I would go in there and just cry and hide. It was small, it felt safe a cozy, I felt like laying in my bed was too out in the open. I don’t think I reflect on that part of my life very much. I don’t look back on it enough when I’m feeling bad and think, I have come so far. Because I really have. I no longer feel like I’m alone in the world, I have better coping skills now then to just go and hide in my closet. I mean, I’ve moved out of that room so I don’t really have access to the closet. Regardless though, I don’t have that need anymore. I understand myself and my disorder better now. I actually have coping skills and I feel, feelings, which for a very long time I didn’t. I didn’t understand anything and I wasn’t willing to learn, but now I am.

I have come a very long way from when I was diagnosed at 19, I’m not the same person, and for that I’m grateful. I will never forget who I was, but she is gone, I am me now. After I left the hospital in 2016, it was like a rebirth, I was a new person, my soul was rejuvenated. It truly is amazing what almost 3 years can do, when you play a part in your own recovery.

So, tonight just seems like it needs to be a quiet night of reflection and relaxation. Who knows though, I may change my mind. I just have to keep my own well being in mind, and whether or not I’m going just to go or if I’m going because I actually want to go.

This Wednesday is Brought to you by…

A very large cold brew, some great tuneage on Spotify, and most importantly noise cancelling headphones. (I mean food too and water). Oh, and support group.

It was a fairly easy breezy day. I got to work early, so I could leave early, so I could go to support group. The thing is, a woman from our accounting firm was at the office, and I know, from experience, that she does not have an inside voice. Hence, the noise cancelling headphones. I went through my files, I’m now on my last cabinet, which is kind of a relief. The thing is though, that I talked to my boyfriend today about my heart hurting for other people and situations. I’ve been “sad” for days, he didn’t understand why, and I couldn’t explain it. Until today that is. He understood and we talked about it, which was really nice.

Anyway, the barista at my coffee shop remembered my order, I got to leave work early, I’m getting donuts at support group, this Wednesday isn’t the worst, and we all know how much I hate Wednesdays. Nothing eventful happened today, so, so far so good. I’m pretty anxious about getting to group, it’s about 40 minutes away, and it’s driving somewhere new, I’m going to do it though, and I’ll get through it.

The thing is though, I have a very strict nighttime routine I follow, which starts at 9:00 exactly. I won’t get back from support group until 9:15 at the earliest. Which, in turn, will throw off my entire routine. I don’t like messing with this routine, it keeps me grounded, it’s one of the only things that is a staple in my life. Like, time management wise. If I don’t follow it, I get nighttime anxiety, like my morning anxiety, it is severe, I won’t be able to sleep, and when I don’t sleep, I get manic. I don’t think going to group and starting my routine a little later will really do much damage, and I’m not really worried about it.

This is an under 30 support group, it’ll be my first time at this one. I’m not too anxious, I’m going because I was invited by one of the facilitators, so I figured, why not. I’ll go and check it out, maybe find some people I can relate to. I don’t have many friends with mental illness, let alone people my age. It will be a new experience. I’m nervous, but like, nervous excited. So, I’ll stop for coffee on my way there and hope for the best. I’ve only been to two support groups, ever, all through the same organization, they were nice, I found it helpful, and like I had found people like me, who understood. It is truly something I am glad to have found.

Check back tomorrow for an update! Also, as long as it doesn’t rain, I may be blogging from a music festival tomorrow!!

Tuesday Malaise Musings

I had a whole different post planned for today. I had a nugget of inspiration while I was at work earlier, but by time I got home, it was gone. At this point, my mind and body are both exhausted. I’m not down, but I’m also not at baseline or neutral. I talked to my therapist about it today, he called it malaise. Basically, just an ill feeling. That’s how I feel. I’m just in a state of sadness. Work seems to be dragging, I always hit a point around 3p, where I just hit a wall, nothing seems to make time pass faster, I’m just watching the clock.

This weekend was rough, I was recovering from heat exhaustion, so I spent the whole weekend inside, drinking lots of fluids, and just basically not moving. I know that had some impact on my mental state. I also just felt, bad. I have no inspiration right now I just want to sleep, I’m so anxious, showering and laundry are not an option. It’s like depression, but it’s not a magnitude to which I would consider myself depressed. I used to call this feeling, meh, like I didn’t have a name for it. It just kind of was.

The thing is, my heart has been hurting a lot lately. According to many people, I’m an empath. My empathy has no bounds. When something happens that I have no control over or watching things that shouldn’t be happening, I don’t like to say it makes me sad. Sadness, to me, is a feeling that I associate with bipolar, as an emotion on my spectrum. So when I’m feeling empathy for certain situations, or people, really anything that I don’t have any direct relation to, I say my heart hurts. I don’t really know how to explain it better than this. Just know, that my heart has been hurting a lot lately. I think it’s finally taking a toll on me. My heart isn’t broken, it just hurts. With everything that’s going on in the world around me, it’s hard not to sense what other people are feeling.

So, pretty much, I’m exhausted, my heart hurts, I’m sad..all adding up to malaise. I don’t have a true grasp on what it is, but I just know that it doesn’t feel good. I’m going to just take the night to relax and try and recharge. Probably eat some ice cream, of course. Maybe one day I’ll write my philosophy of ice cream.