The World Keeps Turning

I’m kind of tired to be writing this right now, but no time like the present I suppose. So, here I am, again, trying my hand at getting this blog back up. I have the time now and I really just need to find something to fill my time. Since the last time I wrote not much has happened. Well, I was in North Carolina for 3 months, but that’s about it. I’m helping take care of my 95 year old grandma now too.

Life goes on whether I’m writing here or not. The reason I haven’t been writing is probably because I haven’t had anything to write about. I haven’t had any inspiration or drive. I’ve become stagnant and it’s not good. It’s not healthy or productive and I need to get out of it somehow. So, my hope is that this will help. I don’t have a ton of followers, but hopefully those of you that do will stick with me. I want to plan some content and try and be creative with this again. I need to find passion somewhere. I’ve never actually found something I’m so passionate about that I can’t contain it. Right now, there’s nothing I would die on a hill for. I need to find the creativity and the drive. The will to create something bigger than myself. We’ll see though. I’ve been here before, but I really want to try. Not half try and give up, but actually put something into this. That’s my hope anyway.

Hope is something that’s eluded me for a long time, but I think I’ve found some. I’ve found the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s creativity. That’s the light. The world will keep turning no matter what I do though. So, we’ll see what happens.

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Welcome back, to myself.

I know, I know. Every time I take a break from this blog, I come back a few months later and say the same thing. Now, I’ll be honest, I’m just bored. I graduated, I don’t have a job yet, I have no hobbies. So, here I am again.

I’ve always loved writing, so a blog seems like a logical option. Of course, I want to write a book, but this is where I am and what I have right now. This will do and I will make the most of it. Part of the reason I’ve been gone for so long is because I needed an adjustment to my medication. So, now, medication is adjusted and the feeling of boredom has seeped in.

I’m not going to revamp this blog, I’m hoping I can just pick up where I left off. I’ve grown as a person over the course of this blog and I want to be able to keep documenting the change.

Back Again (Hopefully)

Okay, so, It’s been quite awhile, but I feel like I’m in a place to start blogging again. If you’ve been following me for some time you would know that I’ve been chasing my bachelors degree. Well I’m happy to say (finally) that, I AM GRADUATING!!!!! I found out about a week and a half ago. After 9 years, 3 schools, 2 hospitalizations, and may mental health road blocks, I’ve done it. It’s crazy. Like, how? Well, I know how. Hard work and determination. Persistence and tenacity. Many other attributes as well, but it’s a great feeling knowing that I’m done.

So, now I have all this free time. What am I supposed to do? Well, nothing for the most part. My mental health has been pretty good lately, but there’s still ups and downs, but they’re nothing I can’t handle. I’m free to do whatever I want. So, you may be asking, Amy, what are your plans? Well, I plan on reading A TON, I’ll post a picture of my TBR list later, writing as much as I can, catching up on some shows, and playing Mario. Honestly, I’m excited. I usually panic when I have all this free time, but I’ve reached my most pressing goal, so why not take some time to relax? That’s where blogging comes in, I’m going to try and blog as much as possible, brainstorm a bunch, and just grow.

By grow I mean personally, blog wise, and bookstagram wise. I don’t really have a goal as to how much I want to grow or at what pace, I just want to. I’ll take whatever I can get. I just hope I some of my stuff will resonate with someone. I’m going to do my best to get back to posting blogs on a regular basis, but don’t hold me to that. Come on, I just found out I’m graduating!

So, yeah, hopefully I can keep this up and you’ll be seeing and hearing more from me!

Books on Books

Hi Everyone!

So, I just wanted to update you on some changes. I know I haven’t been very active, but I’ve been having a massive lack of inspiration and time. I miss blogging and hope to get back into the swing of things soon. I’m finishing up my undergrad this summer, so I’ll have tons of free time after August.

The updates that I wanted to let you know about is that I’m going to be adding a bunch more book content. I’ve been obsessed with reading and buying books and I want to hold myself accountable to actually read them. I will still write about my mental health, but I’ve been working on that a lot and I’m not ready to talk about this new journey I’m on. So, books it is!

I’ll give a quick mental health update though. I’ve been having ups and downs, nothing new there. I haven’t added or subtracted any meds. I’m just trying to accept myself as I am. I’m working very hard and I’ll let you in the loop when I’m ready.

The first book I’ll be working on is The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen. One of my absolute FAVORITE books.

I hope you’re all doing well and I’ll speak with you soon!

Update

It’s been quite a while since I’ve been here. I’m not sure why. I mean, I go through phases like everyone else. But it’s been almost six months. I’ve taken breaks before, but not like this. It was as if all the creativity and drive had left me. It hurt me to not write, but at the same time I had nothing to say. There was a lot happening in my private life. Here I am though. I made it through and I’m back.

I honestly don’t know where I left off on my journey through life on this blog. I can tell you that my symptoms have barely improved. I’m having a little bit of depression now actually. I’m going to be graduating in August and I’m just not excited. Like right now, i don’t even care. Which makes me feel bad. I’ve been trying meditation, but I keep getting stuck in the same loop. Negative thoughts, followed by more negative thoughts, followed by tactile hallucinations. Which are new. Yay for Bipolar…

I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say here, but I just wanted to get something down. I need to work on my pessimism. How many times have I said that? Too many. To the point where it just means nothing.

Oh! Well there is one update. Essentially my business failed. So, that really put a damper on our quarantine, which was already pretty bad. So, I’ll probably be making another post about that, but it was rough to accept it. I was in denial for a little while, but now I just have one more thing under my belt. I just put so much energy into it and basically it was for nothing. So, that sucked. A lot of things sucked. Things a kind of looking up, but at this moment out apartment is a mess. I can’t even get to my desk. I’m also taking summer classes so that’s something to look forward to. 3 and a half hour classes twice a week…yayyyyy…

I’m hoping I’ll be able to get back into the swing of things with this. We’ll see!

New Year, New Me?

Nah. I’m not about that. I’m not even that into new years resolutions. So, here I am on January 1st, 2021. It sounds crazy to say. Some how I made it through 2020. And all I can ask myself is, How? Like, gurl, how the hell did you do that? I should be proud of myself. It’s hard to appreciate how far I had to come to make it through 2020, when all I can think about are the mood swings that were and those that are to come. Right this second, I’m in an irritable, angry mood. For no other reason other than, I just am. It’s hard to accept that fact, that a lot of times, I just am feeling a a feeling and I need to let it be what it is. Not look too closely at it. If it’s an intrusive thought, accept it and put it on the shelf.

So, are there things I want to accomplish in 2021? Of course. I made a list of more things I want to do, and less things I want to do. Some of them are basic, like don’t eat gluten. Other ones are a lot harder, like don’t stream too much, don’t intake as much social media. I want to read more, but right now it seems that I don’t have the focus for one book. Earlier in 2020 I attempted to put a “one book” rule in place. In which I could only read one book at a time. Then once I finished that book, I could move onto the next. The thing is, my bipolar brain doesn’t work like that.

My bipolar brain needs just the right amount of stimulation. Too much, I get over whelmed and anxious. When there’s a lack of stimulation, like there has been this year, I get manic. I can never seem to find that balance though. Which, means I’m almost always symptomatic. So, i would like to control that in 2021. I know that’s kind of a doozy of a goal, because it’s impossible to control something you don’t fully understand.

I’ve been anxious all day, it’s like a new year hasn’t even started. I’ve been rocking more, I’ve been cocooning in blankets more. It’s a bit reminiscent of my hiding in the closet days. I would curl up and sleep on the floor of my mini walk in closet. So, I’m not sure if it’s the best thing to do. I don’t know. I need something, but I’m not sure what it is exactly. I just know “New Year, New Me” will not solve any of my problems. I’m just so tired all the time and my doctor thinks it’s because of all the meds I’m on. A lot of them have side effects of lethargy. I just don’t want to feel so lost this year. I want to find a way to be more grounded. So, cheers to the new year, may yours be filled with health and happiness, and here’s to hopefully more blog posts coming from me.

Drafts

in case anyone was wondering I have 42 blog post drafts saved. That’s right forty-two. If that doesn’t help describe me I’m not sure whay does. I’m scatterbrained, I can’t make decisions, I’m self conscious, I’m a lot of things. Part of it is my bipolar and part of it is the effect the disorder has had on me. I get stressed easily and lately it’s been worse then it has been. I have a very big decision to make soon and I honestly have no idea what I’m going to do when the time comes. For the situation I’m in, there really is a wrong decision, it’s just that one may be better than another, but it’s not wrong. Things haven’t been easy and I feel like everything is amplified. I’ve pretty much been on an emotional rollercoaster these past few months and it is exhausting. 

Being emotionally exhausted is one of the worst things in my opinion. I dont want to move. I don’t want to get out of bed. It’s like all the joy has been robbed from me. It’s not enough to be classified as depression, but it’s still horrible. This decision that is looming over my head is killing me. It’s a waiting game right now and it’s the worst. It’s like I’ve been stuck in a waiting game since the pandemic started. I’ve just been so anxious. It’s like I habe 42 drafts in my mind and none of them are finished and none of them seem good enough to post. 

I’ve been on a constant hunt for comfort. Like yes, I have my people, but I can’t be with them or talk to them every waking hour. I need to find comfort in something. I started reading Harry Potter, but I need to save those books for something else that’s upcoming. So I started The Hobbit again. So I’ll see how that goes. I have Percy Jackson on deck in case I find that it doesn’t help. I’m also costantly looking at lists to find ideas for how to handle the anxiety. Because it’s just generalized anxiety, because I can’t pin point one exact thing that is making me anxious. There’s so much going on. There’s so much stress, everyone keeps telling me it’s justified and tells me that it’ll work out. It doesn’t feel like it though. It feels like it’s just impending doom. I mean,after my decision is made in about 6 to 8 weeks, things will likely lighten up. I’ve been trying to look forward to the holidays, but they’re happening after all if this. I just know they’re not going to be the same. I already made the decision that I won’t be spending Thanksgiving with my whole family which makes me sad, but it’s what will make me feel most comfortable. So there’s that. Its like the virus has crushed dreams that I haven’t even had yet. When the world is in the state that it’s in, it’s hard to latch onto a dream. It’s not easy to live in the climate we’re in now. Including the political climate, which I will not get into here. The world is a mess though. It’s like everyone has 42 drafts and they’re trying to figure out what to do with them. 

I know there’s hope in the world and that eventually things will get better and we’ll come out on the other side of this stronger and better people. It really doesn’t seem like it. And I sure as hell don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel yet, but it’ll be there eventually. 

YAS

So, as of Monday, I have officially reach ONE HUNDRED followers on my blog! I honestly can’t believe it. When I started this blog, with all the posts from my angsty 19 year old self to the posts about how my life is now. It truly has been a journey. I’m glad I made this blog and I started taking it seriously. I now have a whole timeline to see how far I’ve come. From when I was first diagnosed to 7 years later. Sometimes I read my old posts and I tear up because I remember how much pain I was in and how alone I had felt. I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it through, but this blog is here to prove to myself that I can grow, change, and learn. That I don’t have to let my circumstances beat me or force me to make certain decisions. The times when my condition ruled my life.

I have made so much progress and I am so ecstatic that I now have 100 people with me to see my journey. I can only hope that some of my posts have either inspired someone or made someone feel less alone. I never want anyone to feel the way I felt when I was 19. I want to be a beacon of hope, well in some sense anyway. I just want to thank you all for following me and believing in me. In the form of letting my posts grace your timelines. I am so lucky to have come this far. I remember in the winter posting about have 50 followers. Now I have 100 and it blows my mind. Meeting this mile stone has come at a time where I have begun to question myself. Questioning if I’m on the path I actually want to be on. If I’m happy with where I am. Deciding if it’s time to give up on an unspoken dream. This, to me anyway, is a sign that I’m on the right path and I shouldn’t give up.

Because there are 100 people who actually care about what I write. For thank I thank you. You all have a special place in my heart and my journey.

Catching Up

I feel like it’s been quite sometime since I posted here. Well, I suppose it really has been. I needed a bit of a break after the death of my grandmother. I’m back now, well I’m going to try and be.

Honestly, nothing much has happened in the past month or so. I’ve been stuck in the house. I just wanted to write a little bit about how COVID has affected my mental health. I am easily triggered, and will quickly have a mood swing after the initial trigger. So, being stuck in the apartment you would think that I would be able to avoid triggers, that is not the case though. I am easily triggered by videos and sometimes pictures. Also, by the emotions of the people around me. Since my boyfriend and I are spending every single second of every single day together, it’s almost impossible to not feed off of each others emotions. So, I’ll get triggered by something, then he’ll feel my stress and it’ll possibly trigger him. It’s a very delicate system.

Also, the business has not been doing the best. Due to COVID, people just aren’t buying our products. We try so hard. The lack of orders and work to do leaves me very anxious and bored and then I panic because I feel like I should be doing work, when there’s no work to be done. It’s all very frustrating. I have a very strong work ethic so when I don’t have something to focus my energy on, I get severe, debilitating anxiety. I tell my doctors and they try to help me and give me advice, but the bottom line is that we can’t adjust my meds. So, it’s basically me against myself. In my head. All day everyday. I’ve been manic a few times, down, but not truly depressed, but mostly the anxiety. Except yesterday I felt extremely unstable. I don’t know what happened, but something tipped the scales. I feel like I need to channel my energy. I’ve been writing a lot of fiction, but I’ve kind of run out of inspiration.

I know they say that you have to write even when you don’t feel like it or if you don’t feel inspired. I just can’t seem to push myself though. Everything just feels off. Probably because no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’ve found that; no matter how much you try, it’s almost impossible to move forward when the world is standing still. Because we are still in the middle of a pandemic and things don’t seem to be getting better. I feel like there is no hope. Like I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even as I write this I feel a sense of panic. Everything is a struggle. It also doesn’t help that it’s like a sauna in my apartment.

I honestly am doing the best that I can. I just keep forgetting to remind myself of that. Sometimes, doing the best that you can is enough. Even if all that you do is get out of bed. I had a pretty strict morning routine, but somewhere along the way it fell to the wayside. I wish that hadn’t happened, but it did. I know not to beat myself up about it, but it’s difficult.

So, COVID has not given me any more drive, it hasn’t really done anything productive for me. I’m hoping I can start feeling better today and get back into blogging. I’ve really missed this.

Playing Catch Up

I almost went back to bed this morning, but once I realized that it wasn’t 80 degrees in the living room, I jumped at the chance to make a cup of hot coffee. I’m getting a cold brew maker today and I could not be more excited.

This is my alone time, so I figured I would take advantage of the quiet and try and write something. I have a post in mind, but it’s too early to get into that post. So I’m going to do a quick like 3 week, weekly wrap-up.

I’ve spent most of my time mourning and being sad. I cried a lot at first, but that stopped and now I’m just sad. Time is moving so slowly because I feel like it happened so long ago, but it’s been less than a month.

I keep saying I should write down things that happen in my week, but I don’t, then I forget what to write in the weekly wrap-up. I mean, that about sums up my weeks. I haven’t really been loving things because I’ve just been doing random things to distract myself and pass the time, I haven’t really been consistent with anything.

So I’m going to write somethings I’m excited for:

• New Headphones: I’m not sure if I posted the post where I said that my boyfriend says I’m where electronics come to die. Well, he is also tired of me having cheap headphones that constantly break. My train of thought is, if I keep breaking them why buy expensive ones. Anyway, I found a pair of Skullcandy ones that would be perfect for me. They’re coming today! The reason I wanted them was because you can track the individual earbuds with tile. Goodness knows I am constantly losing my wireless headphones. So, I’m just very excited.
• Sailor Moon Lip Gloss- I love makeup so much. I also love Sailor Moon. So when Colourpop released a Sailor Moon collection and I was like NEED. It sold out in just a few minutes though. So when they restocked I knew I needed to get something, and I did. I got the one thing I wanted, which was the single lip gloss named Moon Tiara. I love lip gloss and I can’t wait for that.
• Mini Avocado Eye Shadow Palette- I’ve been obsessed with getting this one mini, green eye shadow palette. I got it. I haven’t used it yet, but I’m so excited to live my best green eye shadow life.
• Salem!- We booked a trip to Salem for the middle of July. It’ll be nice to get away for New York for a little while. We don’t have anything planned which is fine with me.
• Birthday!! I still don’t know what I’m doing for my birthday yet, but I’m so excited. I’ll figure it out between now and August. I just like to have something planned.
• Zoom memorial- We’re doing a zoom memorial for my grandma and I’m looking forward to actually talking about her and her life and just everything.

This is just a few things that I’m looking forward to. It’s the small things that matter.