T-Swizzle

Okay, so this post is going to be about Taylor Swift. I know she’s not everyone’s cup of tea. So feel free to not read this post.

Taylor Swift has always been an artist I’ve loved. The first time I heard her was when I was in the car with my dad and Teardrops on My Guitar came on the college radio station we were listening to. This was before she blew up. When her first album launched I don’t remember if I actually bought it, but I for sure own it now. Her lyrics resonated with me. Even before I had ever had a boyfriend or been through a breakup. I’ve listened to her evolve. From country to pop to now a little bit of folk with her new album. I pretended to like country music when I was with one of my boyfriends.

Anyway, let me back track to my first boyfriend, well our breakup anyway. Enchanted had just come out and when my friends came over after the breakup we listened to that album on repeat. I listened to it on repeat even after that. Since then I’ve followed everyone of her albums. Each one does in fact remind me of on of my exes. A lot of times when she releases a new album I put off listening to it because I’m always afraid it won’t be as good as the previous one. She never disappoints though. I have a lot of memories related to Taylor. Like her album Red, came out when I was a freshman in college. At this point I was away at school and I preordered it. I remember when I got the notification that I had mail at my mailbox, and then I had the physical album in my hands. I listened to it on repeat. Like I do with every album. Folklore, her newest album, it released on Friday I think and I’ve listened to it at least 3 times.

My boyfriend makes fun of me for liking her, but there’s a special place in my heart for her. Is that weird? She’s an artist I will always love. When I’m down I listen to certain albums, when I’m manic I listen to certain albums. Her lyrics inspire me. If I’m trying to write something and I have no inspiration. I’ll pick a song and listen to it, open a blank document and title it which ever lyric resonates with me, then I’ll just write. I don’t know if that’s odd, but it really helps me.

I’ve always loved music, but I would always pretend to like music that was popular at the time. Like when I was 17 the summer after my senior year it was Drake and rap music. I was going through a lot at that point. I was dealing with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I was manic that whole summer. Now looking back at it, I was pretending, but I was really in pain. I may not have realized it, but I was. Looking back at it now, I wonder how I even made it through. When I was going through my worst depressive episode, it was Dawes, which is my favorite band. Taylor is my favorite singer, but Dawes is my favorite band.

Anyway, Taylor Swift is someone who I would love to meet and thank. I feel like as her music has evolved, so have I.

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YAS

So, as of Monday, I have officially reach ONE HUNDRED followers on my blog! I honestly can’t believe it. When I started this blog, with all the posts from my angsty 19 year old self to the posts about how my life is now. It truly has been a journey. I’m glad I made this blog and I started taking it seriously. I now have a whole timeline to see how far I’ve come. From when I was first diagnosed to 7 years later. Sometimes I read my old posts and I tear up because I remember how much pain I was in and how alone I had felt. I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it through, but this blog is here to prove to myself that I can grow, change, and learn. That I don’t have to let my circumstances beat me or force me to make certain decisions. The times when my condition ruled my life.

I have made so much progress and I am so ecstatic that I now have 100 people with me to see my journey. I can only hope that some of my posts have either inspired someone or made someone feel less alone. I never want anyone to feel the way I felt when I was 19. I want to be a beacon of hope, well in some sense anyway. I just want to thank you all for following me and believing in me. In the form of letting my posts grace your timelines. I am so lucky to have come this far. I remember in the winter posting about have 50 followers. Now I have 100 and it blows my mind. Meeting this mile stone has come at a time where I have begun to question myself. Questioning if I’m on the path I actually want to be on. If I’m happy with where I am. Deciding if it’s time to give up on an unspoken dream. This, to me anyway, is a sign that I’m on the right path and I shouldn’t give up.

Because there are 100 people who actually care about what I write. For thank I thank you. You all have a special place in my heart and my journey.

Catching Up

I feel like it’s been quite sometime since I posted here. Well, I suppose it really has been. I needed a bit of a break after the death of my grandmother. I’m back now, well I’m going to try and be.

Honestly, nothing much has happened in the past month or so. I’ve been stuck in the house. I just wanted to write a little bit about how COVID has affected my mental health. I am easily triggered, and will quickly have a mood swing after the initial trigger. So, being stuck in the apartment you would think that I would be able to avoid triggers, that is not the case though. I am easily triggered by videos and sometimes pictures. Also, by the emotions of the people around me. Since my boyfriend and I are spending every single second of every single day together, it’s almost impossible to not feed off of each others emotions. So, I’ll get triggered by something, then he’ll feel my stress and it’ll possibly trigger him. It’s a very delicate system.

Also, the business has not been doing the best. Due to COVID, people just aren’t buying our products. We try so hard. The lack of orders and work to do leaves me very anxious and bored and then I panic because I feel like I should be doing work, when there’s no work to be done. It’s all very frustrating. I have a very strong work ethic so when I don’t have something to focus my energy on, I get severe, debilitating anxiety. I tell my doctors and they try to help me and give me advice, but the bottom line is that we can’t adjust my meds. So, it’s basically me against myself. In my head. All day everyday. I’ve been manic a few times, down, but not truly depressed, but mostly the anxiety. Except yesterday I felt extremely unstable. I don’t know what happened, but something tipped the scales. I feel like I need to channel my energy. I’ve been writing a lot of fiction, but I’ve kind of run out of inspiration.

I know they say that you have to write even when you don’t feel like it or if you don’t feel inspired. I just can’t seem to push myself though. Everything just feels off. Probably because no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’ve found that; no matter how much you try, it’s almost impossible to move forward when the world is standing still. Because we are still in the middle of a pandemic and things don’t seem to be getting better. I feel like there is no hope. Like I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even as I write this I feel a sense of panic. Everything is a struggle. It also doesn’t help that it’s like a sauna in my apartment.

I honestly am doing the best that I can. I just keep forgetting to remind myself of that. Sometimes, doing the best that you can is enough. Even if all that you do is get out of bed. I had a pretty strict morning routine, but somewhere along the way it fell to the wayside. I wish that hadn’t happened, but it did. I know not to beat myself up about it, but it’s difficult.

So, COVID has not given me any more drive, it hasn’t really done anything productive for me. I’m hoping I can start feeling better today and get back into blogging. I’ve really missed this.