Days start to feel like weeks. Like when you get to the end of the day and lay down, you feel like you’ve been battling for a week. Then you realize it’s merely been hours. Hours that feel like days, that turns into weeks that feel like months. What happened three hours ago feels like it happened three days ago. Nothing makes sense, because your sense of time is out of whack. Any concept of anything seems to have slipped away because it’s a battle. And you’re tired, but you battle on and on and on. For the weeks, days, hours, months, in what ever order they come in or which ever way they feel. Because those days that feel like weeks, you blink and it’s actually been a month. You never know where time goes, but the time is never wasted. Because every second is a battle, consciously or unconsciously. Either way, those days, they feel like never ending weeks.
Monthly Archives: June 2014
Sometimes things fall
Sometimes you just let things fall apart. There’s no fighting or remorse, you just let it happen, you don’t have to try and fix it. Not because there’s no point or it’s a hopeless situation, but just because you just let it fall. With no intention of putting it back together. And it’s just fine, life moves on, there’s no wondering what if, it just falls apart, you float on, and that’s that. It’s a beautiful thing. And maybe, just maybe, letting it fall apart instead of trying to stop it, it let’s things fall into place.
Some nights she just gets caught up in the feeling of loneliness, the emptiness of a bed, and the solitude of her own breath, mixed with nothing but her own thoughts.
Some nights she’s fine.
Some nights the loneliness eats away at her, gnawing away at her every thought and lingering with her every sigh. It’s the heavy type of loneliness, the kind you feel on you chest, the kind that can only be cured by a warm body, or the sound of some one else’s breathing swirling with your own. But for her, it’s not always the loneliness of sleeping alone that gets her, it’s the loneliness of waking up alone. The feeling you get when you first open your eyes to see someone else soundly sleeping next to you. The way you have the ability to roll over into them and just be there in that moment, and then have the ability to fall back asleep and do it again, hours or minutes later. And to her that’s the worst type of loneliness to feel.
Some nights, she just can’t handle impeding feeling of waking up alone. So she just let’s the loneliness consume her.
Some nights, she just let’s the loneliness be.
Have you ever…
Have you ever just been so physically, mentally, and emotionally drained, to the point of indifference? To the point where you just genuinely don’t care, you don’t care to feel or to be, you just float along. Because you don’t want to cry, you don’t want to laugh, you just don’t want any part in anything. Well that’s how I feel.
No, it’s not depression, it’s indifference, because I’ve been pulled in the same three directions for who knows how long the anchor of it all, the fourth direction, is too tired to care, or fight, or do anything at all. It’s the feeling of indifference, the feeling of not feeling. That’s where I am right now. I just don’t care to care, anything can happen at any moment, my mood can change to anything, and I won’t feel any remorse for it. That’s how far past the breaking point I’ve come to find myself.