Questionable “Facts”

Have you ever heard someone talk about something and they seem to know what they’re talking about. Then they say something and it makes you go “hmm, that’s debatable”. I have had that happen multiple times lately. For a while I had faulty logic, I’ll admit. However, it has gotten much better over the past year. I think I’m much more capable of seeing though the some of the nonsense people are spouting. I mean, there are certain things I can;t say that about, but I like to think that I know enough about a multitude of things where I can have an intelligent conversation about what they said. A lot of times its not about correcting, it’s about finding their point of view and why they feel what they said it a fact. It very well could be, but I like to know why. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I feel like this will be a very ranty post.

One of the most recent things that I found a lot of things questionable about was while reading the book “Atomic Habits” by James Clear. And my goodness, I don’t know how that book even got published. I mean, I do, because I can see the audience for it. However, if you see through what he’s saying. It’s as if he’s making things all encompassing. As if what he’s saying, what worked for him, will work for a majority of people. Which is not a fact and is also not scientifically backed up. Yet, this book has a cult following. I was part of a book club for a singular meeting about the book. I had read about half of it and then it was so outlandish to me that I returned it. Maybe it’s because my new found logic is making me think critically. Because about a year ago, even 6 months ago, I would have hung on his every word. Now, I find some of what he wrote, debatable. If you want me to do a more in depth post about that book, let me know.

I’m not saying that this new found logical mind of mine makes me smarter or better than anyone else, I just see things differently. There is so much more for me to do to develop my mind and my logic, but I like to think I’m off the a pretty good start.

I like to have a few types of books going throughout the week. 1 or 2 adult fiction, 1 YA or middle grade (just for some light reading), and 1 non-fiction “self-help” book. The “self-help” book I’m working through now is actually a text book “Attacking Faulty Reasoning”. I’m learning a lot so far and I’m only on page like 20, but still, I can tell it’s going to be helpful. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but it’s crazy what happens when you take what you think you know, what you think your core beliefs are, what you think will be helpful for you. Then it gets flipped on it’s head and you’re just like damn. It takes an adjustment, but you’ll have a whole new perspective. This just happened to me recently, but one day something clicked and a switch got flipped and I was like…WHAT HAS HAPPENED?! And I’m still adjusting.

It is important to think critically and not always take things at face value.

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Meditative Morning

I woke up this morning in a surprisingly relaxed mood. Just very chill. It was odd, but I woke up before sunrise, which I rarely ever do. Especially since I’ve been done with school. I mean, I’ve only been done with school for about two weeks or so. However, this is the first morning I’ve felt like this. I’m going back to my old morning routine I think. Which was coffee, podcasts, maybe a workout, and writing or reading. I’ve actually added crocheting to that, but I need to add some quiet time into my mornings. For the past year I’ve just woken up and put on YouTube and just be done with it. I need to be more mindful and meditative though. When I get anxious I have started being mindful of my breath and just turning everything off. No distractions, just me and my breath. It’s amazing what a few deep breaths can do.

It helps when I put my headphones in too. I think I’ll add a simple book into my morning routine, nothing too heavy. I think I’ll add Percy Jackson. I’ve read it before, but I think I want to do a reread. I think it will help me ease into my day without getting excited and just shoving me into a my day. I also need to add eating a normal breakfast into my morning. I just want to have a relaxing morning from now on.

I also want to start doing more blog posts about actual things not just posts about my mornings. I focus a lot on myself. Like an unhealthy amount. I think that’s why I get so anxious all the time, I’m just in my own head all the time, thinking about myself and what I’m doing wrong and just me me me. And here I am, just writing about myself. This is my blog though. So, it’s a fine line.

I’m going on vacation in a month in a half and I’m very excited. We’re going upstate and it will be very nice to get away.

It’s a little later in the day now, and my meditative morning has faded away. Now it’s filled with boredom and anxiety, fidgeting and lack of focus. I hate when this happens, I’ll have an okay morning, but then I realize how much of the day I have left and I start to panic. Like, what am I supposed to do all day? I mean, I have options, but when I sit down to do any of them I just get a wave of anxiety. Which then makes me not want to do anything. So, I’ll just sit and get stuck in my own head. I can’t stay like that though, if I start living in these feelings I’ll just spiral.

I think I have to work on chucks of my day. Like I’ll work on making my mornings smooth, then I’ll work on being less anxious and panicky in the afternoon, and so on. I just don’t know what to do any more. My boyfriend says it could be an identity crisis because I’m technically graduated. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like it.

Morning Anxiety, Still?

I woke up with so much anxiety this morning. I have been most mornings actually. I’m not sure why, but having anxiety as soon as I wake up is probably one of my least favorite things. Because I just want to enjoy my morning. Drink my coffee, watch some YouTube, crochet a little bit, maybe read. I feel like I can;t get any of those things done though because I’m consumed by anxiety. It’s not stress, because I’m done with school, which is usually the root of all my stress. It’s straight up anxiety. I have a scale 1-10, if my anxiety is at an 8, I take a xanax. If it’s below that, I try to use the tools in my tool box to try and bring down the anxiety.

I don’t have a lot of tools in my “tool box”, as you think I might seeing as I’ve been dealing with my mental heath pretty much my entire life. I just don’t know what you would consider a tool. I just try to practice mindfulness, which I’m not very good at. I try distraction, which usually is the winner, but it has to be the right distraction. Makeup videos? Nope, they usually just make it worse. I usually just end up scrolling through social media looking for funny videos. I might put on some video game channels (yes, I watch people play video games to calm down) or my favorite distraction is watching channels about books. Reading does help, but when I’m anxious anything that gets my blood pumping just fuels my anxiety. So, I have to read a compelling, but not super action packed books. Same thing goes for TV shows or movies.

I don’t wake up exhausted or anything, I just wake up with my mind racing and panic in my chest. It takes a few minutes to sink in, but after I’ve wiped the sleep from my eyes it truly sets in. It’s very annoying. It’s just persistent anxiety. Writing does help though. Sometimes I’ll pick up my cat or force my dog to come sit with me while she’s still half asleep. I’m just so on edge for no reason. I keep hearing things as assigning problematic things to them. The garbage men coming to pick up the garage are actually trying to break into my house. I mean, I suppose that’s anxiety sprinkled with paranoia. The worst though is that we have some gnats in my apartment and I constantly feel like they’re crawling on me. That is just very uncomfortable. It usually just ends up being a stray hair. Because I have so much of it I’m constantly shedding.

I suppose I could turn my anxiety into something productive, but that’s a slippery slope because it’s possible that it will trigger mania. I’ve also been having trouble eating, like I want to eat, but I’m not really hungry. I saw a dietitian and she has me on a diet, it’s not a strict diet, but I’m having trouble reaching my calorie count every day. Because I need high calorie, but low carb, and I’m just not getting the hang of it. It’s very frustrating. So, I suppose I’m anxious about reaching my calorie count being in the correct range.

So, bottom line, morning anxiety is annoying and disruptive.

Back Again (Hopefully)

Okay, so, It’s been quite awhile, but I feel like I’m in a place to start blogging again. If you’ve been following me for some time you would know that I’ve been chasing my bachelors degree. Well I’m happy to say (finally) that, I AM GRADUATING!!!!! I found out about a week and a half ago. After 9 years, 3 schools, 2 hospitalizations, and may mental health road blocks, I’ve done it. It’s crazy. Like, how? Well, I know how. Hard work and determination. Persistence and tenacity. Many other attributes as well, but it’s a great feeling knowing that I’m done.

So, now I have all this free time. What am I supposed to do? Well, nothing for the most part. My mental health has been pretty good lately, but there’s still ups and downs, but they’re nothing I can’t handle. I’m free to do whatever I want. So, you may be asking, Amy, what are your plans? Well, I plan on reading A TON, I’ll post a picture of my TBR list later, writing as much as I can, catching up on some shows, and playing Mario. Honestly, I’m excited. I usually panic when I have all this free time, but I’ve reached my most pressing goal, so why not take some time to relax? That’s where blogging comes in, I’m going to try and blog as much as possible, brainstorm a bunch, and just grow.

By grow I mean personally, blog wise, and bookstagram wise. I don’t really have a goal as to how much I want to grow or at what pace, I just want to. I’ll take whatever I can get. I just hope I some of my stuff will resonate with someone. I’m going to do my best to get back to posting blogs on a regular basis, but don’t hold me to that. Come on, I just found out I’m graduating!

So, yeah, hopefully I can keep this up and you’ll be seeing and hearing more from me!