How are You Doing

It’s such a loaded question. It makes you think, how am I actually doing? Or, what are you going to tell this person? What you think they want to hear or maybe you can actually tell them how you actually are. It depends on the person, but it also depends on you.

For me, I always take the safe route and just say that “I’m fine”, or if it’s my dad, I just kind of make noises like “eh. meh.” and he understands. But, when is the right time to open up and say, “No, I’m not doing okay.”? I can’t answer that for anyone else, but I’ve learned to pick and choose who I say what to. I feel like there are some people who need to know, some people I actually want to know, then there’s people who don’t need to know or maybe even don’t deserve to know. It’s something that really needs to be contemplated though, I mean, that’s what I think anyway. Like, who in your life do you feel like you can turn to and tell them that you are not okay. Who do you reach out to? Who do you feel safe with?

Answering that question can leave you very exposed, because there are so many variables that go into the answer, but you have a split second to answer. So, what do you do? How do you answer? Are you really doing “fine”? You’ll know, but depending on what other people say, you decide on what you’re going to say. I feel like this issue runs through everyone’s head when the question is asked.

If you have mental illness, it make take a lot out of you to answer the question truthfully, you may be on autopilot and say a very basic, vague answer. Like I said, there are a lot of variables. Your comfort level with the person, the setting, the situation. It’s like you have to run through the five W’s (Who, What, When, Where, and Why) before you can answer the question.

I was thinking about this the other day, how I wish I wasn’t bipolar, how I wish I was “normal”, how I wish I didn’t have anxiety. Because I hate all those things, and they’re things I want to say when people ask how I’m doing, but I would never say those things. So, it’s something I have to deal with everyday of my life, I have to fight through and deal with it. Be stronger everyday. It’s not easy though. Some days when someone asks, you just want to beak down and cry and say that you are not okay. But, you’ll put on a brave face and a smile and say that everything is just peachy.

It’s not easy and it sure as hell isn’t fair, but it’s something that we always have to deal with, mental illness or not, people have bad days. Not everyone is hiding something, but some are. Life is just what it is. So next time someone asks how you’re doing, take an extra tenth of a second to think, reflect, how am I doing? Am I sugar coating it for this person? If I don’t, will they understand?

If you need validation for telling someone that you’re okay when you’re not, it’s here. I mean, find someone you trust and feel comfortable with and tell them, but you don’t have to tell someone in passing or someone you don’t see often how you’re actually doing.

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Sunday Rambles

Yesterday, I went on the hunt for a fall candle. A candle that would, to me anyway, embody what I feel fall would smell like. The thing is, candles are expensive. Especially name brand candles. I ended up at TJ Maxx, and there I found the perfect fall candle. It’s purple and called wizards magic. Now, I LOVE Harry Potter, when I say love, I mean obsessed, also, purple is my favorite color, so it was meant to be. It was also only $7, which is a steal. Because the other candles that I got, are mini’s of Yankee Candle’s Autumn scent, because they were $2 each, meanwhile, the next size up was $16. So, I said nope to that. And I ended up with the wizards magic candle.

Now, you’re probably wondering why I just went on a rant about candles. I’ve been LOVING candles lately. They seem to calm me. Which made me realize that sometimes it’s the small things that make us happy. For example, me yesterday, finding the perfect candle at a reasonable price. Yet, that happiness didn’t last, yesterday ended up being a super weird day. I’m not sure how to explain it, it’s like, everything seems odd, or everything is off. I tried explaining it to my parents and they looked at me like I was crazy. So, I’m hoping someone here will understand.

So, even while the little things make me happy, I find that just like all my good moods, it’s fleeting. I never stay feeling “good” for long. I’m usually anxiety ridden, panic stricken, and just down. Which has made me realize that I have the bask in the small moments of extreme happiness, especially when a little, random thing makes me smile. I haven’t been having as many mood swings, but I am cycling between being neutral and being down. I’ve been having breakthrough symptoms of depression, like physically, but I don’t feel depressed. So, I’ve been struggling with that.

I just want to be happy, I know, it seems like a simple thing, but  it’s something that some people won’t entirely understand. Instead of me saying I don’t feel well anymore, I’ve been saying that I’m having “mood disorder complications”, which is true. When I don’t feel well, it usually has to do with my mood, and sometimes it’s organic, and there is literally nothing I can do about it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, bask in the small things. Smell ALL the candles, and just take some time for yourself, even if it’s just a few minutes and you just take a few deep breaths, you have to do what’s best for you. For me, it’s going and just smelling candles or roaming around barnes and noble, or scrolling through the sephora or ulta app. Also, update, I already put instgram back on my phone. So, my social media detox will have to wait.

Find something small that makes you happy, and just go with it. Which I guess, is self care. I’m going to admit that I’m not the best at self care, I love the idea of it, I try to practice it, but I just can’t seem to stick to anything. So, for now, I’ll stick to smelling candles.

Let the creativity flow a little bit, girl

I haven’t been feeling very creative lately. So I haven’t posted anything in a very long time. I don’t know, a lot has been weighing on my mind, and I haven’t been feeling the best emotionally and physically. I feel like I haven’t been connected to myself. I stopped writing all together and I haven’t been reading as much. So pretty much, all my inspiration has dried up. Until today. Today, I feel better. I feel like I’m in a good place right now. (Knock on wood).

I haven’t been as anxious lately, the source of most of my anxiety has been stemming from the fact that I have nothing to be anxious about. Like, I’m constantly looking for things to be anxious about. If that makes any sense. I have to learn to get over that, some way some how. I need to start living in the moment, not like being spontaneous, but just being. I decided to start weening myself off social media, because that’s a major part of my stress. I’m still in the stage of my life where I care what other people think of me. As if I need to curate all of these pictures to look like I have everything together. I feel like, once I learn to let that go, I’ll be able to find more peace within myself.

So today, I’m currently sitting in my best friends bed with her, helping her rebrand her business. We were brainstorming some ideas, and I said, we’re creative in different ways, which is 100% true, she paints and draws and makes jewelry. I’m more of a writer and an idea person. I can’t draw particularly well, but I love to write. Which shows how little inspiration and drive I’ve been having, since I haven’t even wanted to write, not pick up a pen, let alone blog. I want to get back into it though. I’ve missed this. Just sitting here and typing how I feel. I find it relaxing and just overall good for me.

At the end of August, I went to Salem, MA with my boyfriend. I thought being there would spark some type of inspiration, but it didn’t. I absolutely love Salem, but it didn’t spark enough inspiration in me to write. But I’m back now. I’m going to try and write more. Get back into it.

School started though, so I truly have to focus on that, but I want to write a little bit at least. I want to respark what I had inside of me over the summer. I helps having a very creative friend, and sitting here with her, is making the creativity flow a little easier.

I just want to take this chance to say how beyond thankful I am for my friends and family, my support system. I know my bipolar can have an impact on them, and they always stick by me. Especially through all the episodes, irrational thoughts, and anxiety.

I’m trying not to let the anxiety get to me or get me down. I know I just have to push myself a little bit more, but I also have to know my limits. Knowing when I’m doing too much and making myself overwhelmed, or just being in my head too much. I have to be more self aware and just be. In the moment, in a good mindset, just in a good place. And be able to accept that I’m not going to be anxious all the time, and I have to stop looking for things to be anxious about. I can’t let the disorder control me, because I control it.