If any phrase could sum up my day it would be this. I spent the day battling anxiety, followed by mania, and finally a sense of panic. Followed by more anxiety. Also, stress on stress on stress. Most of the things I’m stressed about I have no control over, so it’s hard to deal with. Like fighting something that isn’t there. Eventually you have to give in and try and figure out why you’re fighting so hard. Usually because the answer is something you don’t want to hear. For me, it’s being told that all the things I’m stressing about, are out of my control. There is not one thing I can do except wait on other people and in one case trust my doctors and my body.
The mania was not fun, my mind started racing and I couldn’t stop the intrusive thought cycle. I was restless, you know the usual. Finally I’m feeling a bit better. I had some herbal tea, put on a podcast and of course xanax. Part of my issue is that I feel this constant need to do something. Like, I have so many books to read and shows I want to watch, that I don’t even know where to start. So, I panic about that. Literally the thing that matters the least. I get anxious about things that most people find relaxing. Probably because I’m horrible and even avoid making choices. As if I can make a wrong choice starting a book or a show and deciding that I don’t like it. If I don’t like it, then I have permission to stop. It’s as if I need to give myself permission to do things that other people just do, without thinking. I need to basically make a pro and con list about everything, then I like throw that pro and con list in the fire and watch makeup videos on YouTube. How is that a healthy cycle?
It’s not. A lot of the things I do are not healthy, as in mentally healthy. Also, I miss gluten. That has nothing to do with any of this, but watching people eat things my body rejects makes me feel pretty bad. My anxiety is back to being overwhelming. You know what I’m going to do? Probably Youtube, because I’m not very good at changing my habits or even truly recognizing that they’ve gotten to an unhealthy point. Which I feel like my YT watching has gotten to. I have a podcast on now, because that’s part of the things I want to do more of this year. I just need to be able to identify the unhealthy habit, figure out how to change it, then slowly implement those changes. I need to push past the anxiety in these situations, because the anxiety is uncomfortable, but keeping up with the habit will just make it worse. It doesn’t help how bored I am. I also can’t focus and a whole bunch of things just weigh me down.
The anxiety is so bad. I’m at a loss for words to explain why it’s so intense. I feel like crying, my chest is tight, every movement feels like I’m moving a mountain. I’m at a loss for what to do, I can’t focus. I try counting my breaths and doing breathing exercises, but nothing is making it better. My bf asks me what’s wrong and I can’t tell him because I don’t know. My mind is a jumbled mess. I just want to rock back and forth or bounce my leg. I’ve been trying to keep that under control. I know the possible solution to all of this could be mindfulness, but it’s not easy. I have all the help I need at my finger tips, I just don’t know how to use it.
A Delicate Odyssey 