Sunday Rambles pt 1

Good morning, this mornings post is brought to you by my couch. Sundays are my days of rest. It’s the day I give myself permission to do nothing. I say I give myself permission because I make things very difficult on myself throughout the week. So, Sundays I can basically do whatever I want, which is usually nothing. I mean if there’s something business-related that different because that takes priority. Most people take Sundays to sleep in, I don’t I wake up at the same time on Sundays as I do during the week because that’s when I get my quiet time. I believe that having a little bit of time to yourself very important, so you can refresh or reset. So here I am, comfy clothes, glasses instead of contacts, my hair is in a braid because I couldn’t be bothered. Now, I’m sitting on my couch, drinking my energy drink (too much effort to make coffee), and I feel pretty relaxed. Usually my mornings are filled with anxiety, but Sundays I can chill out.

Later today I will take some time to set some intentions for the week, to kind of set the pace for the week. I do not take Sundays to schedule my whole week out. Sundays are meant to be easy breezy. I usually convince my mom to make pancakes because they’re up there as one of my favorite foods. Usually I’ll have a mini breakfast, but not today. I want to have all the room in my stomach for the pancakes. If I’m feeling up to it I may pre-write some blog posts, by up to it I mean feeling lazy. I wrote down some things I wanted to include in this post in my blogging notebook, but it has the word rambles in the title.

Like my Saturday post this is going to be a fee write post unless I won’t have the opportunity to do it on Sunday. I’ve been thinking a lot about Salem, MA lately. I love it there and I miss it. Its made up of mostly small businesses and I’m worried they won’t be able to reopen after this is all over. Because they make Salem so special. I spent my birthday in Salem last year and it is one of my favorite birthdays I’ve had. My boyfriend and I made so many memories and I just miss it so much. We were going to try and go in September before the Halloween festivities start. We’ve done that before. We really want to go in December so we can see all the holiday decorations and just experience the town in a different way. We didn’t travel much before the pandemic, but we always made amazing memories and Salem is or favorite place. If we could on vacation to one place for the rest of our lives, I think we would choose Salem.

Sundays are starting to become my favorite days, I used to hate it because I would dread what was happening this coming week. Now, I try to think of what I have to do and just come to peace with it. We usually schedule business things for the week on Sundays and those are the only plans I’m okay with making. He’s not awake yet, so I’m not sure what’s on the agenda for the week. So for now, I’m just going to relax and watch some beauty videos. Have an easy breezy day where ever you are.

Weekly Wrap-up

Hi! This is the first day I’m writing a post that isn’t going to be a pre-written post. I’m going to try and make Saturday’s a weekly wrap-up, the keyword there is try.

Anyway, how was my week? It was okay. Which for me it a pretty good feat. My moods weren’t as erratic, I’ve also stuck to my routine for the second week in a row. I haven’t done all the things I wanted to add, like putting on makeup or drink more water. I think Thursday was the low point of the week, it was a wash. Even my boyfriend agreed, it was a wash for him as well. I also have some morning anxiety after my routine has wound down, the type of anxiety that’s like, if I get off this couch I’m going to have a panic attack. I would have something that I really wanted to do, but I would stay on the couch in my safe zone.

So yesterday was a long day. I had a lot of work to get done, but also things I wanted to accomplish on a personal level. I needed to just focus on work yesterday, I had a lot of work to do. I had to cut my personal stuff, which made me upset. It was what I had to do though. I have work that I have to do every day, but there are some days where there’s extra work, and I have to prioritize.

I really need to keep track of what I already posted through the week, so I’m not being repetitive. On my list of ideas for what to write about for my weekly wrap up, it literally says, what I did. I’m looking at it and thinking to myself, what does that even mean. I can’t even remember what day it is let alone keep track of everything I do.

Actually something I found this week that I’m thoroughly enjoying, it’s an energy drink. I hate energy drinks, they always make me feel sick because of the fake sugar. This one however, doesn’t make me sick, and it’s glorious. It’s called Celsius and honestly, it’s amazing. I’ve only tried two flavors, so I can only say that the watermelon flavor has my stamp of approval. So try it or don’t just figure I’d share. Another thing is that I’ve started reading another book called Average is the New Awesome, and so far it’s really making sense to me. I’m enjoying it so far. As I read more I’ll write something about it.

On the agenda for today is, to start working on our business plan, work on the blog post for work, and stay off my phone. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but I have no idea how to write a business plan so who knows how long it’s going to take. I have a very strong work ethic, so I’ll start and I’ll make it work.

I’m going to try and make my Saturday and Sunday posts real-time posts. So, stay tuned for tomorrow.

A Few Early Morning Thoughts

It’s currently 7:11 am, I’ve been up since 5:45. I’m writing this on the morning of mothers day, but I’m not sure when this will go up. What’s on my mind this morning? Well, I’m trying to convince myself that it’s okay to take a day off from exercising, I’ve been doing small workouts every morning for the past week. I have the mindset right now that it takes X amount of days to create a habit. So I figured that if I worked out everyday for that amount of days, I would get into the habit. I know I can’t push myself too hard though, some days your body needs a break. I did stretch, so that’s something.

Also, I’m very excited to give my mom her gifts. I’m not going to say what they are in case I decide that I want to post this, this morning. I’m also thinking about setting some goals for this week. The only issue is that, sometimes when I set goals I put too much pressure on myself to do them. Maybe if I do set these goals it will be a good exercise for not putting this pressure on myself. Like, tell myself, it’s okay if you don’t get all of these things done this week, it’s okay. Maybe I’ll try it this week, just set some small goals, for example; exercise four times this week or post on my business social media six days this week and try and schedule those posts early. Things like that. Or my absolute least favorite thing to do, is do the dishes. I know I should probably do dishes more than once a week, but I just hate it so much. So, I’ll start with dishes once a week, including putting them away. Yeah, I’ll start with those. Just some basic things.

I’m currently listening to a podcast, as I now do every morning, I’m listening to Start Inspired, which is a podcast by one of my favorite YouTubers Samantha March. It really is an inspiring podcast, I highly recommend. The other podcast I like to listen to in the morning is Approachable with another YouTuber, Samantha Ravndahl and her friend Alyssa. (I’m not sure how to tag the podcasts Approachable  and Start Inspired) That may or may not work. If it doesn’t I’ll find a way to link them. So, those the podcasts I’m loving right now.

Last night my mom’s side of the family did a Google Meetup. It was my first time doing that in this quarantine, and I loved it. Being able to see the people I love and just have a chat, it was easy breezy. I’d love to do it again.

Anyway, this got a lot more ramblely than I planned, but that’s just how I am in the morning. Like I said, I’m not sure when this is going up, but I’m writing it on Sunday morning, so I’ll try and update on some things I touched on.

Lazy Daze, but Not

You know when you want to want to do things, but you really don’t want to? Yeah, that’s me. It’s like when I say “I feel bad, but I don’t..” my boyfriend calls it babe logic. It’s because I can’t explain what I’m feeling, because it’s one of those in between feelings, like melancholy. Because I’m not really sad. Anyway, today is a day where I feel relatively okay, I want to do things, but I’m not having any motivation or direction. I just kind of want to be, just sit and be melancholy. I know I should do something to try and remedy it, but I kind of don’t want to. I want to start actually feeling my feelings and not just medicalizing them as symptoms.

I feel very melancholy right now. I’ve been listening to podcasts all day and it was a nice change to having youtube videos constantly on in the background. I’ve been into more non-fiction topics lately. The podcasts are real people, talking about real topics, sharing their real stories. Some of the things they talk about are just digging deep. I’m not sure why I made the switch from fiction to non-fiction, but I’m glad I did. It makes me feel less alone, I’m also learning a ton, and they all make me think.

Anyway, it looks like I have a lazy day ahead of me. Not a lazy day as in, I accomplished so much yesterday that I need to take the day off. Even though I did do a fair amount yesterday, but I always feel like I should be doing something. Like I should when I have energy, I feel like I should make up for all times that I was too anxious or depressed or just down, to do. But those days that I was feeling that way, they’re gone, there may not even be a point in doing the things I was supposed to do, because it’s past a deadline or I didn’t follow up with someone that I should have. So, today really isn’t a lazy day, but it’s also not, not a lazy day. If that makes any sense at all.

I’ve made the decision to pre-write some posts, because it does make me feel kind of accomplished, and it gives me a creative outlet. So if the tenses or times are weird in later posts, that’s why. I really want to take a nap, but that’s not a good idea, because whenever I take a nap I always feel worse after. So, I’m doing what I can to keep myself awake. It’s not like I haven’t been sleeping well, I’ve been sleeping pretty well considering all the emotions I’ve been feeling. It’s like I’m mini-cycling. As in, I’m bipolar, and I’m cycling but at a very minimal level. Like, I can’t find a happy medium, there is no neutral, it’s good mood or meh mood. Maybe I’ll write a post about being “meh”…time will tell. Regardless, I don’t necessarily feel bad today, but I’m also not in a good mood. I’ve been up since 5:30 am, I would usually exercise a little bit, but not this morning because I was having stomach pain last night, and I didn’t want to push it. So, I stretched, made coffee, scrolled through socials, had a phone session with my doctor. I mean, when I look at it on paper, it seems like I got a lot done. Especially for someone coming out of a severe depression, but I feel like it’s not enough. Because after the phone session I really didn’t do anything.

So the question is: lazy daze? or nah?

It’s Been Awhile/Tough Love

Hiiiiii. I know, it’s been a minute I posted, but lots of things have happened. I don’t even know where to start. I’ll just start with the more recent events and as things come to me, I’ll write them down. So, until about two weeks ago I was severely depressed. The days were just running together. I was having dark thoughts, I wasn’t eating, I was weepy and apathetic. The usual. Also, I was isolating (as much as I could) in isolation. I would sit on the couch away from my boyfriend, and just stare at the TV, nothing made me happy. Then flashback to two weeks ago, my boyfriend brought me back to reality, he said what I needed to hear. They may not have been things I wanted to hear, and I cried, but it snapped me right out of the depression. He basically said that my perspective was too focused on myself, I know, I know, it sounds like it could be mean or unnecessary. He said it with love though, it was tough love for sure, but it was loving. I’m so lucky to have him, and that’s even an understatement.

I’ve lost count of the days we’ve been in isolation, they’re all running together. Like this morning, I was texting my best friend and I honestly thought today was Wednesday. When I was depressed, I lost all inspiration. I should have been posting on social media for the business, but I just couldn’t, I wasn’t able to choose what I wanted to post or how to word it, so I figured there was no point. Because of the virus things had slowed down for business. Which was irritating because we had just started to gain momentum, followers, people buying the coffee, events, but that all stopped. So, what are you supposed to do when that happens? We tried to do what we could to keep busy, but when there comes a point where you can’t create things to do anymore, there’s nothing you can really do. Positive thinking was not on my mind when quarantine started, I was scared of the uncertainty of the world around me. I spiraled.

The last two weeks have been much better, I changed my thinking. For example, when I say that I feel bad, I just think to myself that “you feel bad right now, and that’s okay because this won’t last forever.” So basically, if you get knocked down, or feel bad or anything negative, you can sit with that and feel that, but you can’t live there. I’m not trying to say, if you feel bad you can just pull yourself out of it. We’re all different, what mindset works for me, may not work for you. I may be able to say those things to myself and accept my feelings, but maybe you can’t. That’s okay, find something though, find something to believe in.

Speaking of things to believe in, I’ve been trying to become my spiritual, and find my path to something more concrete to believe in. I don’t mean concrete in the sense that I want a strict religion to follow, I just want some loose guidelines. The path I have chosen to explore is paganism and wicca. I’m still learning and reading, watching videos, and just finding out what they believe and how they embody their beliefs. I’ve found that you can practice in your own specific way, in private or openly, there is the Wiccan Rede, which is something that attracted me to it, it aligned with my beliefs. It’s like I was looking for something, and I believe I found it for a reason. I won’t go into it too much though. I’m still exploring.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading. I actually decided to read a book about the basics of physics, and I found it very interesting. I’m also in the middle of a book about the actual existence of Atlantis, which is something I’ve always wanted to read up on. Also, I’ve actually chosen to read a philosophy book. I took a lot of philosophy courses in the past semesters, and I was forced to read philosophy, but I’ve somehow found an interest in it, where I actually want to read it. It’s different when you have the ability to choose to read about a subject, then when you are given the material to read, when you’re told, you must read this to pass this class. I actually took the semester off to work on the business, and then COVID-19 hit. Which now that I’m writing, this time off has given me the opportunity to study and explore and just find passions.

Well, I think that’s it for now. If you read this whole rambling thing, I thank you. I promise I will try and write more. Let me leave you with this: Go out and explore everything. By go out, I mean read books or watch videos about things that you’re kind of interested in, you never know what type of passions you’ll find.

How are You Doing

It’s such a loaded question. It makes you think, how am I actually doing? Or, what are you going to tell this person? What you think they want to hear or maybe you can actually tell them how you actually are. It depends on the person, but it also depends on you.

For me, I always take the safe route and just say that “I’m fine”, or if it’s my dad, I just kind of make noises like “eh. meh.” and he understands. But, when is the right time to open up and say, “No, I’m not doing okay.”? I can’t answer that for anyone else, but I’ve learned to pick and choose who I say what to. I feel like there are some people who need to know, some people I actually want to know, then there’s people who don’t need to know or maybe even don’t deserve to know. It’s something that really needs to be contemplated though, I mean, that’s what I think anyway. Like, who in your life do you feel like you can turn to and tell them that you are not okay. Who do you reach out to? Who do you feel safe with?

Answering that question can leave you very exposed, because there are so many variables that go into the answer, but you have a split second to answer. So, what do you do? How do you answer? Are you really doing “fine”? You’ll know, but depending on what other people say, you decide on what you’re going to say. I feel like this issue runs through everyone’s head when the question is asked.

If you have mental illness, it make take a lot out of you to answer the question truthfully, you may be on autopilot and say a very basic, vague answer. Like I said, there are a lot of variables. Your comfort level with the person, the setting, the situation. It’s like you have to run through the five W’s (Who, What, When, Where, and Why) before you can answer the question.

I was thinking about this the other day, how I wish I wasn’t bipolar, how I wish I was “normal”, how I wish I didn’t have anxiety. Because I hate all those things, and they’re things I want to say when people ask how I’m doing, but I would never say those things. So, it’s something I have to deal with everyday of my life, I have to fight through and deal with it. Be stronger everyday. It’s not easy though. Some days when someone asks, you just want to beak down and cry and say that you are not okay. But, you’ll put on a brave face and a smile and say that everything is just peachy.

It’s not easy and it sure as hell isn’t fair, but it’s something that we always have to deal with, mental illness or not, people have bad days. Not everyone is hiding something, but some are. Life is just what it is. So next time someone asks how you’re doing, take an extra tenth of a second to think, reflect, how am I doing? Am I sugar coating it for this person? If I don’t, will they understand?

If you need validation for telling someone that you’re okay when you’re not, it’s here. I mean, find someone you trust and feel comfortable with and tell them, but you don’t have to tell someone in passing or someone you don’t see often how you’re actually doing.

Hey Little Fighter, Things will get Brighter

I’ve been doing a lot of research into mental illness recently. Bipolar disorder, PTSD, and anxiety mostly. I’m not sure why now and not before. I also constantly feel like uncontrollably sobbing most of the time. Let’s just say that I’m feeling a lot of emotions right now. I’ve been doing all this research and I’m not really sure what I’m looking for, as if I’m searching for answers that I know don’t exist. Because what I feel is so personal, and raw, like people can relate, but no one feels the exact same way as I do at any given time, and I can’t always explain what I feel. It’s all very frustrating.

I haven’t been able to blog because I’ve been searching for these answers that can only be found in the depths of my mind. I keep thinking and thinking, I can feel my soul be suffocated, but I can never reach the answers I’m looking for. Mostly because I can’t figure out what question I’m asking on any given day. I just know I’m tired, exhausted, of my mind being at war with itself. Going through these flashbacks, which have thankfully subsided, has put a toll on me, like, it’s hard to figure out reality and memories, what’s now and what is history. So, there was that, now I’m just lost. My brain can’t handle much these days. I haven’t been able to work a full day of work, I’ve been isolating and spending a lot of time curled up on our tiny couch in our tiny living room, where it’s cozy and safe. I constantly have to remind myself that I’m safe, and what happened wasn’t my fault.

I didn’t do anything wrong, so why am I suffering?

I just don’t understand. My soul and mind can’t take it. The only reoccurring thought I have is that, I don’t want to die. I’m feeling a lot of fear right now, and it’s smothering me. I’m scared mostly of becoming suicidal and having to go back to the hospital. I don’t know why I feel like that if all I keep saying is that I don’t want to die. Like, that’s the opposite of what I’m truly afraid of. So I don’t know why I’m so distressed. My therapist says I’m fearing fear itself right now, because I also keep thinking about death.

All I think of when I think of being afraid of fear itself, I think about Harry Potter, when Lupin tells Harry that he’s afraid of fear itself because he’s afraid of the dementors, which are the guards of the wizard prison azkaban, and they feed off happiness and suck out peoples souls. Lovely image, right? I suppose that’s the point. Anyway, that’s how I feel, like a dementor is here sucking the life out of me.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, like I said, just sob uncontrollably until there’s no more tears left. I feel like that’s not possible though. I feel like I don’t know what I feel. I feel like I don’t know anything. I’m searching for answers to nothing, answers to a question that my soul is asking that I can’t make out. I suppose if I want to know the question, I have to get down and dirty with my feelings. I have to take a deep dive, take a break, and nourish my soul. It needs to be cared for now more than ever.

Also, on a positive note, it’s my birth-month. I LOVE my birthday, like I really love it. As soon as August hits I start my count down. Now it’s the 7th and I could care less about turning 25, a few weeks ago I was so exited and planning my trip to Salem, MA (where my boyfriend and I will be spending most of my birth-week). Now, I just feel like I’m struggling to get through the day. I’m just tired and over these emotions and I just want to give up. I won’t though. I’m in this for the long haul and I will walk through the fire, or I will rise from it, like a phoenix.

 

The Only Way Out Is Through

That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. It’s become my new mantra. I haven’t posted in a few days because I’m dealing with some PTSD related things. It’s been rough, I had a breakdown at work yesterday and had to come home.

So, at this point the only thing to do is deal with my issues head on, and work through them, because there’s no way around them. If I deal with them now, it’ll be easier in the future. If I choose to avoid them now, they’ll come back to haunt me again and again. It’s now or in another 3 years when the trauma resurfaces. Last time I dealt with this, I got extremely depressed, shut down, and ended up in the hospital because I didn’t want to live anymore. So, dealing with this isn’t something that’s easy. I’m in a much better headspace and environment now than I was then. Hopefully I can get through this a little easier than last time.

It’s like reopening a wound, making the skin raw again, and letting it heal. Like the Papa Roach song, “I tear my heart open to sew myself shut”. That’s essentially what I’m doing. I don’t have to necessarily relive the trauma, but I have to rehash some of it, bring it to the surface, and deal with it. I suppressed it, twice. Last time I dealt with it I just told people what happened, I never actually talked about it, I just thought that it would go away, and for a little while it did. Something triggered me though, and now I have to deal with it for real. According to my therapist I just have to keep myself distracted for the time being, which is easier said than done. It’s like when you least want to be distracted the more you are, and when you want to be preoccupied or distracted, you can only focus on the thing you don’t want to.

That’s where I’m at right about now. Just trying to get through the jungle of emotions, the mess of issues, and just overall trying to get better. I feel like this is kind of a setback in my process of trying to stay stable. So, I just have to keep going.

The only way out, is through.

Thursday Reflections

So, I went to support group last night. It was pretty good. The people were nice and we had a good conversation and I found it helpful. It was nice to be in a group with people around the same age. I was only there for an hour, so I feel like I didn’t really get a good feel for it. Would  I go again? Yes. We’ll see what happens in two weeks.

I’m supposed to go to a music festival tonight. I’m writing this instead of getting ready, I guess that shows how much I actually want to go. I just feel so overwhelmed by the thought of going. I have free tickets so I would feel bad wasting them, but if it’s at the expense of my mental health, is it worth it? I mean, I want to go, but will pushing myself to go help or hurt me? I won’t know, until I make my decision.

I was thinking earlier, while I was at work, essentially having a full on anxiety attack, about somethings that happened a few years ago. So, when I was diagnosed, I felt like my world went into a tailspin and everything was out of control. I had a small walk in closet, just big enough for me to fit comfortably. When I felt like things were too out of control, I would go in there and just cry and hide. It was small, it felt safe a cozy, I felt like laying in my bed was too out in the open. I don’t think I reflect on that part of my life very much. I don’t look back on it enough when I’m feeling bad and think, I have come so far. Because I really have. I no longer feel like I’m alone in the world, I have better coping skills now then to just go and hide in my closet. I mean, I’ve moved out of that room so I don’t really have access to the closet. Regardless though, I don’t have that need anymore. I understand myself and my disorder better now. I actually have coping skills and I feel, feelings, which for a very long time I didn’t. I didn’t understand anything and I wasn’t willing to learn, but now I am.

I have come a very long way from when I was diagnosed at 19, I’m not the same person, and for that I’m grateful. I will never forget who I was, but she is gone, I am me now. After I left the hospital in 2016, it was like a rebirth, I was a new person, my soul was rejuvenated. It truly is amazing what almost 3 years can do, when you play a part in your own recovery.

So, tonight just seems like it needs to be a quiet night of reflection and relaxation. Who knows though, I may change my mind. I just have to keep my own well being in mind, and whether or not I’m going just to go or if I’m going because I actually want to go.