Welcome back, to myself.

I know, I know. Every time I take a break from this blog, I come back a few months later and say the same thing. Now, I’ll be honest, I’m just bored. I graduated, I don’t have a job yet, I have no hobbies. So, here I am again.

I’ve always loved writing, so a blog seems like a logical option. Of course, I want to write a book, but this is where I am and what I have right now. This will do and I will make the most of it. Part of the reason I’ve been gone for so long is because I needed an adjustment to my medication. So, now, medication is adjusted and the feeling of boredom has seeped in.

I’m not going to revamp this blog, I’m hoping I can just pick up where I left off. I’ve grown as a person over the course of this blog and I want to be able to keep documenting the change.

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Questionable “Facts”

Have you ever heard someone talk about something and they seem to know what they’re talking about. Then they say something and it makes you go “hmm, that’s debatable”. I have had that happen multiple times lately. For a while I had faulty logic, I’ll admit. However, it has gotten much better over the past year. I think I’m much more capable of seeing though the some of the nonsense people are spouting. I mean, there are certain things I can;t say that about, but I like to think that I know enough about a multitude of things where I can have an intelligent conversation about what they said. A lot of times its not about correcting, it’s about finding their point of view and why they feel what they said it a fact. It very well could be, but I like to know why. I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I feel like this will be a very ranty post.

One of the most recent things that I found a lot of things questionable about was while reading the book “Atomic Habits” by James Clear. And my goodness, I don’t know how that book even got published. I mean, I do, because I can see the audience for it. However, if you see through what he’s saying. It’s as if he’s making things all encompassing. As if what he’s saying, what worked for him, will work for a majority of people. Which is not a fact and is also not scientifically backed up. Yet, this book has a cult following. I was part of a book club for a singular meeting about the book. I had read about half of it and then it was so outlandish to me that I returned it. Maybe it’s because my new found logic is making me think critically. Because about a year ago, even 6 months ago, I would have hung on his every word. Now, I find some of what he wrote, debatable. If you want me to do a more in depth post about that book, let me know.

I’m not saying that this new found logical mind of mine makes me smarter or better than anyone else, I just see things differently. There is so much more for me to do to develop my mind and my logic, but I like to think I’m off the a pretty good start.

I like to have a few types of books going throughout the week. 1 or 2 adult fiction, 1 YA or middle grade (just for some light reading), and 1 non-fiction “self-help” book. The “self-help” book I’m working through now is actually a text book “Attacking Faulty Reasoning”. I’m learning a lot so far and I’m only on page like 20, but still, I can tell it’s going to be helpful. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but it’s crazy what happens when you take what you think you know, what you think your core beliefs are, what you think will be helpful for you. Then it gets flipped on it’s head and you’re just like damn. It takes an adjustment, but you’ll have a whole new perspective. This just happened to me recently, but one day something clicked and a switch got flipped and I was like…WHAT HAS HAPPENED?! And I’m still adjusting.

It is important to think critically and not always take things at face value.

Meditative Morning

I woke up this morning in a surprisingly relaxed mood. Just very chill. It was odd, but I woke up before sunrise, which I rarely ever do. Especially since I’ve been done with school. I mean, I’ve only been done with school for about two weeks or so. However, this is the first morning I’ve felt like this. I’m going back to my old morning routine I think. Which was coffee, podcasts, maybe a workout, and writing or reading. I’ve actually added crocheting to that, but I need to add some quiet time into my mornings. For the past year I’ve just woken up and put on YouTube and just be done with it. I need to be more mindful and meditative though. When I get anxious I have started being mindful of my breath and just turning everything off. No distractions, just me and my breath. It’s amazing what a few deep breaths can do.

It helps when I put my headphones in too. I think I’ll add a simple book into my morning routine, nothing too heavy. I think I’ll add Percy Jackson. I’ve read it before, but I think I want to do a reread. I think it will help me ease into my day without getting excited and just shoving me into a my day. I also need to add eating a normal breakfast into my morning. I just want to have a relaxing morning from now on.

I also want to start doing more blog posts about actual things not just posts about my mornings. I focus a lot on myself. Like an unhealthy amount. I think that’s why I get so anxious all the time, I’m just in my own head all the time, thinking about myself and what I’m doing wrong and just me me me. And here I am, just writing about myself. This is my blog though. So, it’s a fine line.

I’m going on vacation in a month in a half and I’m very excited. We’re going upstate and it will be very nice to get away.

It’s a little later in the day now, and my meditative morning has faded away. Now it’s filled with boredom and anxiety, fidgeting and lack of focus. I hate when this happens, I’ll have an okay morning, but then I realize how much of the day I have left and I start to panic. Like, what am I supposed to do all day? I mean, I have options, but when I sit down to do any of them I just get a wave of anxiety. Which then makes me not want to do anything. So, I’ll just sit and get stuck in my own head. I can’t stay like that though, if I start living in these feelings I’ll just spiral.

I think I have to work on chucks of my day. Like I’ll work on making my mornings smooth, then I’ll work on being less anxious and panicky in the afternoon, and so on. I just don’t know what to do any more. My boyfriend says it could be an identity crisis because I’m technically graduated. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like it.

YAS

So, as of Monday, I have officially reach ONE HUNDRED followers on my blog! I honestly can’t believe it. When I started this blog, with all the posts from my angsty 19 year old self to the posts about how my life is now. It truly has been a journey. I’m glad I made this blog and I started taking it seriously. I now have a whole timeline to see how far I’ve come. From when I was first diagnosed to 7 years later. Sometimes I read my old posts and I tear up because I remember how much pain I was in and how alone I had felt. I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it through, but this blog is here to prove to myself that I can grow, change, and learn. That I don’t have to let my circumstances beat me or force me to make certain decisions. The times when my condition ruled my life.

I have made so much progress and I am so ecstatic that I now have 100 people with me to see my journey. I can only hope that some of my posts have either inspired someone or made someone feel less alone. I never want anyone to feel the way I felt when I was 19. I want to be a beacon of hope, well in some sense anyway. I just want to thank you all for following me and believing in me. In the form of letting my posts grace your timelines. I am so lucky to have come this far. I remember in the winter posting about have 50 followers. Now I have 100 and it blows my mind. Meeting this mile stone has come at a time where I have begun to question myself. Questioning if I’m on the path I actually want to be on. If I’m happy with where I am. Deciding if it’s time to give up on an unspoken dream. This, to me anyway, is a sign that I’m on the right path and I shouldn’t give up.

Because there are 100 people who actually care about what I write. For thank I thank you. You all have a special place in my heart and my journey.

Just a little update

So Halloweek came and went and nothing exciting happened. Just another week. Same ups and downs, lots of, I don’t feel wells. Just trying to cope and get through, one day at a time. Daylight savings time was last night and I’m not sure how it’s going to effect me, it always messes with my sleep schedule, which I strictly adhere to. We’ll see how things go. 

I’ve decided to start a mini health journey. Mental and physical health. I hate exercising, because I always did it because I wanted to lose weight and I would get discouraged when I didn’t see results. Lately though, my mindset has been that, exercising is about overall health, it’s not about losing weight, it’s about being healthy. Once I started looking at it like that, I felt more empowered to go. The first week I started strong, but I haven’t been in two weeks. It’s not because I didn’t want to. One week I had a pretty bad manic episode and going to the gym was not an option. The other week, I don’t really have a reason, I just didn’t go. I actually missed not going. I need to stop eating junk food, that’s my next mission for the physical side. 

I got a DBT workbook at Barnes and noble today, so I’m hoping that will help on the mental side. I also want to start tracking my moods, I’m not sure how though. I’ve never tracked my mood before, I always thought that it was kind of gimmicky. At this point though, I’ve never had a day, a full day where I was symptom free. Also, my psychiatrist doesn’t want to add any more meds or increase any dosages, so it is up to me. I have to get it together, I can’t live my life having symptoms every single day. So, I’m really trying anything. 

That’s kind of where my life is right now. At this moment, I’m okay, but that could change any second. That’s just the nature of the beast I suppose. Being bipolar isn’t easy, but I don’t have to make it more difficult. If keeping up with my health in this way is what I have to do, then so be it. I’m still having intrusive thoughts. About death and dying, that’s the persistent symptom right now. The only thing I can do is recognize them as not being my thoughts and ignore them. But, intrusive thoughts are not easy to ignore, especially when they’re filled with such heavy content. It’s up to me to find a way to cope, to not let them get to me or ruin my mood. I’m just so tired of symptoms on symptoms, just a never ending string of things that pile on top of each other. And it’s up to me to sort through that pile and figure out how to deal with each individual thing. I find that if I try to handle too many things at once I just get overwhelmed. 

So, here it goes with my health journey. 

Let the creativity flow a little bit, girl

I haven’t been feeling very creative lately. So I haven’t posted anything in a very long time. I don’t know, a lot has been weighing on my mind, and I haven’t been feeling the best emotionally and physically. I feel like I haven’t been connected to myself. I stopped writing all together and I haven’t been reading as much. So pretty much, all my inspiration has dried up. Until today. Today, I feel better. I feel like I’m in a good place right now. (Knock on wood).

I haven’t been as anxious lately, the source of most of my anxiety has been stemming from the fact that I have nothing to be anxious about. Like, I’m constantly looking for things to be anxious about. If that makes any sense. I have to learn to get over that, some way some how. I need to start living in the moment, not like being spontaneous, but just being. I decided to start weening myself off social media, because that’s a major part of my stress. I’m still in the stage of my life where I care what other people think of me. As if I need to curate all of these pictures to look like I have everything together. I feel like, once I learn to let that go, I’ll be able to find more peace within myself.

So today, I’m currently sitting in my best friends bed with her, helping her rebrand her business. We were brainstorming some ideas, and I said, we’re creative in different ways, which is 100% true, she paints and draws and makes jewelry. I’m more of a writer and an idea person. I can’t draw particularly well, but I love to write. Which shows how little inspiration and drive I’ve been having, since I haven’t even wanted to write, not pick up a pen, let alone blog. I want to get back into it though. I’ve missed this. Just sitting here and typing how I feel. I find it relaxing and just overall good for me.

At the end of August, I went to Salem, MA with my boyfriend. I thought being there would spark some type of inspiration, but it didn’t. I absolutely love Salem, but it didn’t spark enough inspiration in me to write. But I’m back now. I’m going to try and write more. Get back into it.

School started though, so I truly have to focus on that, but I want to write a little bit at least. I want to respark what I had inside of me over the summer. I helps having a very creative friend, and sitting here with her, is making the creativity flow a little easier.

I just want to take this chance to say how beyond thankful I am for my friends and family, my support system. I know my bipolar can have an impact on them, and they always stick by me. Especially through all the episodes, irrational thoughts, and anxiety.

I’m trying not to let the anxiety get to me or get me down. I know I just have to push myself a little bit more, but I also have to know my limits. Knowing when I’m doing too much and making myself overwhelmed, or just being in my head too much. I have to be more self aware and just be. In the moment, in a good mindset, just in a good place. And be able to accept that I’m not going to be anxious all the time, and I have to stop looking for things to be anxious about. I can’t let the disorder control me, because I control it.

Life Can’t Always be Fair

I can’t seem to get up the energy to even open my computer and type a post. So I’m doing this from my phone. I’ve been suffering from PTSD flashbacks for the past week and it’s been super hard on me. I keep reminding myself that what happened wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t do anything wrong. It doesn’t make things any easier though. I’ve just been crying so much and just all around upset a distressed.

I’m just so tired of crying and suffering over something that wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong, so why am I the one suffering? It’s a question I’ll never get an answer to. The flashbacks are mostly shadows or words. They were super vivid on Monday, the vibrancy has subsided though. But the frequency has increased. I’m just over it. Just stop the world, I want to get off.

My therapist says I have to stay distracted until the flashbacks subside, but nothing seems to be keeping my attention. I find some solace in music and reading. Listening to John Mayer and Dawes, rereading Harry Potter. But it doesn’t last. I’m only truly comfortable on our loveseat in the living room where I can curl up and just be. Just let existence wash over me and around me. Like I don’t have to deal with the read world for a little while. Just plug in and tune out for a little while.

I don’t want to say this is my new normal, but I don’t really know much about PTSD, only what I’ve read over the last week. But it seems like this could go on for a little while. It’s not a cut and dry type of thing, where you can get meds what will make it stop (mostly) not like with my bipolar. I’m also doing everything I’m supposed to be doing, according to all the websites I’ve read anyway. So, what are you supposed to do when what’s supposed to help, doesn’t? You just fight through I suppose. I’m just tired of fighting. I feel like I’m fighting with my own mind everyday and it’s exhausting and I’m over it. I don’t know what else to do. I just know that this whole situation isn’t fair. I’m the one dealing with the fall out and my family and friends don’t know what to do or what to tell me. It’s just not fair.

Like I know, they always tell kids, life isn’t fair. But no one deserves to have to suffer this way. No one.

Tuesdays Take you Down the Rabbit Hole

This is essentially how I feel today. Like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.

I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. Just falling, we’ll fluctuating, but it feels like I’m in a never ending spiral. I just feel so lost and like I’m not on stable ground. I’m not neutral, but I’m not down, it’s some middle ground and I keep going between the two.

You know when you learned about waves in school? Like UV rays and microwaves and stuff? You had to learn the length and the frequency and all that? That’s how I see myself right now. And the frequency is high, I would say rapid cycling, but there’s no aspects, no hints, of mania.

So, down, down, I fall. I wish I would hit the ground so I could know what to do or where to go. In this state though, there’s no meds to adjust, I feel like there nothing I can do, but ride it out. I try all my coping skills, I try everything, and nothing helps. It’s just uncomfortable. I don’t know how to explain this discomfort, but I do know that I keep rocking back and forth when I’m sitting or laying at home. According to my therapist it’s self soothing, but it’s not good. At this point, it’s the only thing that helps.When I’m at work, I want to go home, but when I’m home, I just want to be somewhere else. I don’t mean like isolate and abandon, I’d want my family, friends, and pets with me. I just don’t want to be here anymore, like in this physical location. I just don’t know, I feel like I don’t know anything.

I just want to feel better, I’m not sure where to go from here. Since I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to leave the house. Taking the dog out is even a struggle, something I dread. I love my dog though. I just don’t really feel anything, but sadness, anger, and irritation. I can mask all I want, but if I do that, people won’t know that I need help, but even then, how can they help me if I can’t help myself?

So I’ll do what I can to find solid ground for now, to stop feeling this feeling of falling, being in constant flux, and just feeling so lost.

Good Vibes Only

I’m going to the Great South Bay Music Festival tonight! With my best friend. Sublime is playing at 8:15, which is super exciting. Their song Santeria has a special place in my heart. You know those songs that you hear and they bring you right back to a specific moment in time? That’s what that song is for me. It reminds me of my 21st birthday, before bipolar had torn me apart, and way before I was able to put myself back together again.

Anyway, I forgot to take my abilify this morning (sorry, mom), I’ll be picking it up from the pharmacy at 4:30 and taking it right before I go to the festival. I actually feel okay, usually if I don’t take my meds I can feel it right away. Surprisingly though, I feel pretty good, I’ve been having a pretty good day. I was anxious for a few minutes, and cried for 2 of those minutes. I feel fine now though. I’m hoping that taking it won’t kill my vibe today. Like I know I can’t just stop taking my meds. I’ve been down that road before, but maybe, just maybe, I can lower my dosage, which would be amazing. I’m so tired of being on the highest dosage of all my meds, it makes me feel like I’m so broken.

I have a weird relationship with medication. I refused to take it consistently for a long time. Which is what landed me in the hospital the first time, then my antidepressant stopped working, which brought on the second hospitalization. I’m so much on meds to the point where, when I go see my psychiatrist, I just catch him up on my feelings and symptoms, he puts in my refills, and I’m on my way. He doesn’t want to put me on any more meds, and we don’t have any wiggle room. I’m afraid to adjust them too, because I’m the most stable I’ve been in a very long time. It’s not like I’m just going to stop taking meds, unacceptable, that’s what I tell myself. Like I said, usually if I don’t take them I feel it right away. If I forget night meds, the whole next day is shot. If I forget morning meds, I just feel all floaty and outside of my body, my head swims. Not today though, today is good vibes only.

The question is though, if I start feeling bad after I take the meds, is it me feeling like I should be feeling worse because I took the meds? Or is it that the meds are actually making me feel that way? I overthink about everything, so the world may never know.

I’ll keep you updated. Who can say on site music festival post? That’ll mostly just be picturessss. Yes!

Torrid Mini-Haul

I figured I’d try something new here. So here it goes!

I am on a plus size fashion adventure. I recently came to the conclusion that I had to start buying plus size clothes, and I made peace with that. So when I had that realization, I had no idea where to start shopping for clothes. So of course I did a little googling, posted in a few facebook groups for advice, and came up with a few stores to try. The most talked about one was Torrid, so I decided I’d check them out, and I quickly came to see why they were recommended by so many people. My favorite thing is that they’re always having sales.

Now, if you have ever shopped for plus size clothing, you’ve come to realize that plus size clothing costs more. A shirt in a size medium will cost a reasonable amount, but a size XL will cost you $2-$3 more. It’s actually ridiculous, it’s also called the “fat tax”. Which is even worse. Anyway, I went to torrid, saw the prices and, being the frugal person I was raised to be, thought no way. Until, I saw their sales. My, what a beautiful world it turned into.

This last paycheck I picked up a few pieces, the sale was an extra 50% off clearance, so of course I had to take advantage. So here’s what I got:

First off, I’ve totally been into floral prints and comfy clothes. So I got a pair of pants, they’re the: Paisley Floral Ponte Slim Fix,

I haven’t tried these on yet, but I’ll keep you posted. I just thought they were super cute and they’re cropped which is perfect for me, because I’m pretty short. I’m excited to wear them!

This is a skirt that I got. It’s kind of like a body con skirt, it folds over on top and it’s nice and the material is nice and thick. I put it on pretty much as soon as I got the package. It’s the perfect length and has a super fun and bright geometric pattern.

The other two things I got were a belt and sunglasses. I needed a belt because I don’t own one, and I just love sunglasses.

I can’t wait to wear the sunglasses (even though my boyfriend hates them!) and I love the belt I just think it’s adorable and it’s the right size.

So yeah, that’s my little mini haul! I’ll keep you posted on how the pants fit and how all the other stuff wears!