Meditative Morning

I woke up this morning in a surprisingly relaxed mood. Just very chill. It was odd, but I woke up before sunrise, which I rarely ever do. Especially since I’ve been done with school. I mean, I’ve only been done with school for about two weeks or so. However, this is the first morning I’ve felt like this. I’m going back to my old morning routine I think. Which was coffee, podcasts, maybe a workout, and writing or reading. I’ve actually added crocheting to that, but I need to add some quiet time into my mornings. For the past year I’ve just woken up and put on YouTube and just be done with it. I need to be more mindful and meditative though. When I get anxious I have started being mindful of my breath and just turning everything off. No distractions, just me and my breath. It’s amazing what a few deep breaths can do.

It helps when I put my headphones in too. I think I’ll add a simple book into my morning routine, nothing too heavy. I think I’ll add Percy Jackson. I’ve read it before, but I think I want to do a reread. I think it will help me ease into my day without getting excited and just shoving me into a my day. I also need to add eating a normal breakfast into my morning. I just want to have a relaxing morning from now on.

I also want to start doing more blog posts about actual things not just posts about my mornings. I focus a lot on myself. Like an unhealthy amount. I think that’s why I get so anxious all the time, I’m just in my own head all the time, thinking about myself and what I’m doing wrong and just me me me. And here I am, just writing about myself. This is my blog though. So, it’s a fine line.

I’m going on vacation in a month in a half and I’m very excited. We’re going upstate and it will be very nice to get away.

It’s a little later in the day now, and my meditative morning has faded away. Now it’s filled with boredom and anxiety, fidgeting and lack of focus. I hate when this happens, I’ll have an okay morning, but then I realize how much of the day I have left and I start to panic. Like, what am I supposed to do all day? I mean, I have options, but when I sit down to do any of them I just get a wave of anxiety. Which then makes me not want to do anything. So, I’ll just sit and get stuck in my own head. I can’t stay like that though, if I start living in these feelings I’ll just spiral.

I think I have to work on chucks of my day. Like I’ll work on making my mornings smooth, then I’ll work on being less anxious and panicky in the afternoon, and so on. I just don’t know what to do any more. My boyfriend says it could be an identity crisis because I’m technically graduated. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like it.

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Panic, mania, anxiety, Oh My!

If any phrase could sum up my day it would be this. I spent the day battling anxiety, followed by mania, and finally a sense of panic. Followed by more anxiety. Also, stress on stress on stress. Most of the things I’m stressed about I have no control over, so it’s hard to deal with. Like fighting something that isn’t there. Eventually you have to give in and try and figure out why you’re fighting so hard. Usually because the answer is something you don’t want to hear. For me, it’s being told that all the things I’m stressing about, are out of my control. There is not one thing I can do except wait on other people and in one case trust my doctors and my body.

The mania was not fun, my mind started racing and I couldn’t stop the intrusive thought cycle. I was restless, you know the usual. Finally I’m feeling a bit better. I had some herbal tea, put on a podcast and of course xanax. Part of my issue is that I feel this constant need to do something. Like, I have so many books to read and shows I want to watch, that I don’t even know where to start. So, I panic about that. Literally the thing that matters the least. I get anxious about things that most people find relaxing. Probably because I’m horrible and even avoid making choices. As if I can make a wrong choice starting a book or a show and deciding that I don’t like it. If I don’t like it, then I have permission to stop. It’s as if I need to give myself permission to do things that other people just do, without thinking. I need to basically make a pro and con list about everything, then I like throw that pro and con list in the fire and watch makeup videos on YouTube. How is that a healthy cycle?

It’s not. A lot of the things I do are not healthy, as in mentally healthy. Also, I miss gluten. That has nothing to do with any of this, but watching people eat things my body rejects makes me feel pretty bad. My anxiety is back to being overwhelming. You know what I’m going to do? Probably Youtube, because I’m not very good at changing my habits or even truly recognizing that they’ve gotten to an unhealthy point. Which I feel like my YT watching has gotten to. I have a podcast on now, because that’s part of the things I want to do more of this year. I just need to be able to identify the unhealthy habit, figure out how to change it, then slowly implement those changes. I need to push past the anxiety in these situations, because the anxiety is uncomfortable, but keeping up with the habit will just make it worse. It doesn’t help how bored I am. I also can’t focus and a whole bunch of things just weigh me down.

The anxiety is so bad. I’m at a loss for words to explain why it’s so intense. I feel like crying, my chest is tight, every movement feels like I’m moving a mountain. I’m at a loss for what to do, I can’t focus. I try counting my breaths and doing breathing exercises, but nothing is making it better. My bf asks me what’s wrong and I can’t tell him because I don’t know. My mind is a jumbled mess. I just want to rock back and forth or bounce my leg. I’ve been trying to keep that under control. I know the possible solution to all of this could be mindfulness, but it’s not easy. I have all the help I need at my finger tips, I just don’t know how to use it.

Long time no type

So, it’s been quite awhile and some things have happened. Hopefully I can remember it all, because things happen and I want to blog about them, but when I sit down to write I forget all the things I want to write.

Let’s see, where to begin. Maybe I’ll work backwards from now until Taylor Swifts latest album release. I’ve been going through all the emotions. Mostly anxiety, constant, persistent, sometimes crippling, anxiety. I kind of feel like my new medication has sucked some of my creativity out of me. I don’t have any inspiration. Any time I think about writing I just find it uninteresting. I love writing. So, I guess I have to decide if that’s a trade off I’m willing to work with. I feel pretty good on it, but things just don’t feel interesting. Nothing sounds, good or fun. It’s just kind of meh. I’m not sure if there’s a solution to that. I mean, there probably is, I just haven’t found it yet. I’ve only been on the medication for about a month, but it was supposed to start working right away. If there’s a task I actually need to do or want to do, I can do it without an issue, but for now I have to deal with the lack of inspiration and need to be creative. Which is very frustrating. I figure writing a blog post would be the easiest to write because I can take a topic and write about it. When I write fiction the ideas have to flow from inside of me. And that just isn’t happening. I’m going to start trying to write more.

My school situation is weird for me this semester. I’m taking two zero credit classes, so I don’t actually have any work to do. I was actually looking forward to school because I wanted some sort of structure, but that went out the window. I’m not good at sticking to routines. I don’t like that, that’s how I am, but I’m not good a sticking with things in general. Working out, writing, reading, any type of craft project. I know that’s a habit I can change, but I don’t know how. Especially because my moods are so erratic. I’ll wake up one morning and be fine, but my mood will decline. I get burnt out pretty easily and discouraged. I was hoping that this medication would help, but so far it hasn’t.

The thing is that, life can be unpredictable. Like, my birthday was about two weeks ago and that didn’t go as planned. I got a belly button infection. I choked on a bagel and my boyfriend had to give me the Heimlich, which caused me that have rib and back pain. So, there really isn’t much I can do. Also, my dog had to have surgery yesterday which was nerve wracking (She is home now, everything went amazing and she’s resting comfortably). All in all I’m just in physical discomfort and that usually has an effect on my mood. I’m only comfortable if I sit in certain positions because of my ribs.

I know I should try and think positively, but at this point I’ve accepted that I’m mostly a pessimist. I worry and panic easily, I always think about the worst thing that could happen first, and I’m usually the first to jump to conclusions. I haven’t really been enjoying any shows or books or anything really so I don’t have any thing to recommend. Also, the business is being slow because of the pandemic. So, if someone were to ask me how I was handling the pandemic, I would answer, not well. I’m doing the best I can, well I think so anyway. I feel like I can be productive today, but we’ll see. Fingers crossed that I’ll have enough energy or general will power to update tomorrow.

Anxiety Killed Sunday

If you saw Sundays post, I went on about how it was my lazy day and I could do anything. Well, I forgot about this little thing called anxiety. I wrote my post around 7:30 am and I thought, yeah today is going to be great. I didn’t think about anxiety. When I’m not doing things anxiety sets in. If what I’m watching isn’t interesting, anxiety. Try and read a book, I can’t focus, anxiety. Think about what else I can do, I think about every single way it could go wrong or make me anxious. So, I figured I would write. I took my anti-anxiety medication and waiting for it to kick in is the worst. I know it’ll help, but waiting for it to happen, it drags. I try and breathe, it feels like there’s a weight on my chest. I put on a podcast because it actually engages my mind. It’s not some mindless beauty video that doesn’t really peak my interest. I would get super anxious though if I tried to sit and watch a show on Netflix. I really feel like crying, but that will not be productive. So. here I sit, listening to my podcast, my mind racing. I forgot to do this, this past week, I have to do this today for work that I didn’t think about. Basically my Sunday is no longer mine. It belongs to my anxiety.

Now, I can think all I want about how I can feel better. They can be good ideas, but my anxiety will prevent me from doing them. I just can’t breathe. Maybe if I go outside and get some fresh air, but that involves me getting ready to go outside, and then I think about maybe I’ll have to interact with people. That is not something I can handle. My thing for work that I have to do usually doesn’t make me anxious, I can usually do it and be done. I’m self-conscious though, what if it doesn’t get likes, what if I just can’t do it. All I can think about is the negative things that are involved in what it takes to do the task. I can’t see the end goal and think about how I’ll feel when it’s done. I feel like I’ll do it and I won’t feel accomplished, so why even start?

I’m restless, I don’t even know how I’m sitting here writing this. I know I will get sucked into the couch if I stay there. I’ll feel even worse if I lay in the bed. What do I do? How do I feel better? Well, I’m not very good at self-care especially when I feel anxious. Maybe I need a routine specifically for Sundays. That is probably a good idea. It’s too late to do it today, but I can do it next week. It 12:53 and I’m not sure what I’m going to do with the rest of my day. I could let anxiety kill Sunday, but I could also not. We won’t find out until tonight.

At this point the anti-anxiety med has kicked in, and I feel a bit more relaxed. I need to take this momentum. Do tiny things. Eat, drink water, listen to podcasts instead of tv, and don’t panic. Now, none of these things may happen, maybe they will. But at this point, anxiety has killed my ideal Sunday and it has made me realize, that if I don’t have some sort of schedule for Sunday, anxiety will kill every single one.

Quit Saying You’re Sorry (for everything)

I didn’t do anything wrong. So, why am I apologizing? I find myself asking this question a lot. Most of the time I think it’s to avoid an adverse reaction to whatever it is that I had done. I find myself apologizing for the most random things, like taking too long to bag my stuff at 7-11 when I bring my own bag. I wouldn’t call myself a passive person, but with the amount of times I say I’m sorry, you would think that I am.

I’ve been struggling the past few days, due to things out of my control, but the thing is, that my reaction makes the things worse. Most of the time I honestly don’t think I did anything wrong. I just don’t want to make waves, I don’t want to make things worse for a certain situation, so I say that I’m sorry when I shouldn’t. I think it’s because I want to save myself the trouble of cleaning up the mess of what ensues if I don’t apologize, or out of fear for what will happen if I don’t say it.

I have to learn that I can’t control what other people do or how they feel or how they react to something. I’m guilty of saying things without thinking, sometimes it warrants an apology, other times it really doesn’t, but I say it anyway. It’s something I have to work on, because instead of fully dealing with the situation, I stop it in its tracks and it just comes up again. I can save myself some trouble by letting the situation play out a little bit further, I suppose. I really just don’t know. The main thing is, like I just wrote, I cannot, under any circumstances control how another person reacts to something. Because everyone will react to something differently. I try to not let it get to me, but I can’t help it, I tend to take a lot of things personally, to not really have a thick skin.

I’m 24 I still have things to learn and things to figure out, it doesn’t help that I have Bipolar and anxiety. I feel like it just adds an extra layer to things, like I have to get past the layer of myself that deals with things on a bipolar level, then I have to deal with them on a level past that. It takes me longer to process things and I tend to feel things so deeply, I struggle with that a lot. Taking things to heart when I shouldn’t, even when people say what’s happening with them has nothing to do with me, I feel like it does. I don’t mean that in a self-centered type of way, more like, I did something wrong, it has to be why they’re feeling this way or that way.

Another feeling I feel very deeply, is guilt, I feel guilty about everything. Almost every word I say I feel guilty about, I’m always second guessing myself and I never actually get out what I want to say. So, I feel guilty about the wrong things. It really is just a mess that I’m in right now. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells, for no real reason in particular.

Fridays Are For Catching Up

Sorry I haven’t posted in two days. I’ve been trying to get better about posting everyday. But, Wednesday was just a rough day, I had no inspiration or motivation. Just thinking about writing a post seemed like it would have been too much. So, I gave myself a break. Then yesterday, I went to see JOHN MAYER. I found out like 4 hours before we had to leave that I was going.

Going to the concert last night was a big deal for me. It was at Madison Square Garden, it was sold out, and I stayed out past my bed time. I didn’t crawl into bed until like 1:30 in the morning. The amazing this, is I only got super anxious once. I mean, it was on the verge of a panic attack anxiety, but it was after the show. It helped show me that I’m stronger than my disorder, well, I’m stronger than my symptoms. I didn’t cry, I didn’t have to leave early. I had an amazing time. I never really believed in mind over matter, but I think I need to start having more faith in myself and my ability to cope. Because I made a choice yesterday, was I going to let my disorder stop me from doing something I really wanted to do? Well, something I probably won’t ever get the chance to do again. I took the chance and I’m glad I did. I know there are going to be some consequences from staying up past my bedtime, like I know my body might betray me, get anxious and uncomfortable. I 100000% believe it was worth it though.

I’m not really a person to take risks, I get so panic stricken that I’m going that have an episode if I take a risk and do something I shouldn’t. It was John Mayer though, it was free, it was amazing. I have no regrets and that’s how I want to live my life. I don’t want to live in fear, I also can’t do what I did last night on a regular basis. I have to learn how to strike a balance, with fun and carefree, while also being responsible. Like, I left work early yesterday because I needed time to collect myself and get ready. I had to take today off so I could rest and try and get back to myself. I guess that means that I just need to have a cushion whenever I’m going to do something like that.

I also don’t really like surprises, I like to know what to expect and when to expect it. So, yesterday was very out of character for me. I am glad I did it though. It was a good experience for me, to take a risk and do something spontaneous.