Meditative Morning

I woke up this morning in a surprisingly relaxed mood. Just very chill. It was odd, but I woke up before sunrise, which I rarely ever do. Especially since I’ve been done with school. I mean, I’ve only been done with school for about two weeks or so. However, this is the first morning I’ve felt like this. I’m going back to my old morning routine I think. Which was coffee, podcasts, maybe a workout, and writing or reading. I’ve actually added crocheting to that, but I need to add some quiet time into my mornings. For the past year I’ve just woken up and put on YouTube and just be done with it. I need to be more mindful and meditative though. When I get anxious I have started being mindful of my breath and just turning everything off. No distractions, just me and my breath. It’s amazing what a few deep breaths can do.

It helps when I put my headphones in too. I think I’ll add a simple book into my morning routine, nothing too heavy. I think I’ll add Percy Jackson. I’ve read it before, but I think I want to do a reread. I think it will help me ease into my day without getting excited and just shoving me into a my day. I also need to add eating a normal breakfast into my morning. I just want to have a relaxing morning from now on.

I also want to start doing more blog posts about actual things not just posts about my mornings. I focus a lot on myself. Like an unhealthy amount. I think that’s why I get so anxious all the time, I’m just in my own head all the time, thinking about myself and what I’m doing wrong and just me me me. And here I am, just writing about myself. This is my blog though. So, it’s a fine line.

I’m going on vacation in a month in a half and I’m very excited. We’re going upstate and it will be very nice to get away.

It’s a little later in the day now, and my meditative morning has faded away. Now it’s filled with boredom and anxiety, fidgeting and lack of focus. I hate when this happens, I’ll have an okay morning, but then I realize how much of the day I have left and I start to panic. Like, what am I supposed to do all day? I mean, I have options, but when I sit down to do any of them I just get a wave of anxiety. Which then makes me not want to do anything. So, I’ll just sit and get stuck in my own head. I can’t stay like that though, if I start living in these feelings I’ll just spiral.

I think I have to work on chucks of my day. Like I’ll work on making my mornings smooth, then I’ll work on being less anxious and panicky in the afternoon, and so on. I just don’t know what to do any more. My boyfriend says it could be an identity crisis because I’m technically graduated. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like it.

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Sunday Rambles pt 1

Good morning, this mornings post is brought to you by my couch. Sundays are my days of rest. It’s the day I give myself permission to do nothing. I say I give myself permission because I make things very difficult on myself throughout the week. So, Sundays I can basically do whatever I want, which is usually nothing. I mean if there’s something business-related that different because that takes priority. Most people take Sundays to sleep in, I don’t I wake up at the same time on Sundays as I do during the week because that’s when I get my quiet time. I believe that having a little bit of time to yourself very important, so you can refresh or reset. So here I am, comfy clothes, glasses instead of contacts, my hair is in a braid because I couldn’t be bothered. Now, I’m sitting on my couch, drinking my energy drink (too much effort to make coffee), and I feel pretty relaxed. Usually my mornings are filled with anxiety, but Sundays I can chill out.

Later today I will take some time to set some intentions for the week, to kind of set the pace for the week. I do not take Sundays to schedule my whole week out. Sundays are meant to be easy breezy. I usually convince my mom to make pancakes because they’re up there as one of my favorite foods. Usually I’ll have a mini breakfast, but not today. I want to have all the room in my stomach for the pancakes. If I’m feeling up to it I may pre-write some blog posts, by up to it I mean feeling lazy. I wrote down some things I wanted to include in this post in my blogging notebook, but it has the word rambles in the title.

Like my Saturday post this is going to be a fee write post unless I won’t have the opportunity to do it on Sunday. I’ve been thinking a lot about Salem, MA lately. I love it there and I miss it. Its made up of mostly small businesses and I’m worried they won’t be able to reopen after this is all over. Because they make Salem so special. I spent my birthday in Salem last year and it is one of my favorite birthdays I’ve had. My boyfriend and I made so many memories and I just miss it so much. We were going to try and go in September before the Halloween festivities start. We’ve done that before. We really want to go in December so we can see all the holiday decorations and just experience the town in a different way. We didn’t travel much before the pandemic, but we always made amazing memories and Salem is or favorite place. If we could on vacation to one place for the rest of our lives, I think we would choose Salem.

Sundays are starting to become my favorite days, I used to hate it because I would dread what was happening this coming week. Now, I try to think of what I have to do and just come to peace with it. We usually schedule business things for the week on Sundays and those are the only plans I’m okay with making. He’s not awake yet, so I’m not sure what’s on the agenda for the week. So for now, I’m just going to relax and watch some beauty videos. Have an easy breezy day where ever you are.

Let the creativity flow a little bit, girl

I haven’t been feeling very creative lately. So I haven’t posted anything in a very long time. I don’t know, a lot has been weighing on my mind, and I haven’t been feeling the best emotionally and physically. I feel like I haven’t been connected to myself. I stopped writing all together and I haven’t been reading as much. So pretty much, all my inspiration has dried up. Until today. Today, I feel better. I feel like I’m in a good place right now. (Knock on wood).

I haven’t been as anxious lately, the source of most of my anxiety has been stemming from the fact that I have nothing to be anxious about. Like, I’m constantly looking for things to be anxious about. If that makes any sense. I have to learn to get over that, some way some how. I need to start living in the moment, not like being spontaneous, but just being. I decided to start weening myself off social media, because that’s a major part of my stress. I’m still in the stage of my life where I care what other people think of me. As if I need to curate all of these pictures to look like I have everything together. I feel like, once I learn to let that go, I’ll be able to find more peace within myself.

So today, I’m currently sitting in my best friends bed with her, helping her rebrand her business. We were brainstorming some ideas, and I said, we’re creative in different ways, which is 100% true, she paints and draws and makes jewelry. I’m more of a writer and an idea person. I can’t draw particularly well, but I love to write. Which shows how little inspiration and drive I’ve been having, since I haven’t even wanted to write, not pick up a pen, let alone blog. I want to get back into it though. I’ve missed this. Just sitting here and typing how I feel. I find it relaxing and just overall good for me.

At the end of August, I went to Salem, MA with my boyfriend. I thought being there would spark some type of inspiration, but it didn’t. I absolutely love Salem, but it didn’t spark enough inspiration in me to write. But I’m back now. I’m going to try and write more. Get back into it.

School started though, so I truly have to focus on that, but I want to write a little bit at least. I want to respark what I had inside of me over the summer. I helps having a very creative friend, and sitting here with her, is making the creativity flow a little easier.

I just want to take this chance to say how beyond thankful I am for my friends and family, my support system. I know my bipolar can have an impact on them, and they always stick by me. Especially through all the episodes, irrational thoughts, and anxiety.

I’m trying not to let the anxiety get to me or get me down. I know I just have to push myself a little bit more, but I also have to know my limits. Knowing when I’m doing too much and making myself overwhelmed, or just being in my head too much. I have to be more self aware and just be. In the moment, in a good mindset, just in a good place. And be able to accept that I’m not going to be anxious all the time, and I have to stop looking for things to be anxious about. I can’t let the disorder control me, because I control it.

A Not so Manic Monday

So here I am, sitting in the waiting room or my neurologists office, chipped nails, unwashed hair, and a sweater that doesn’t match my outfit. Painting my nails and washing my hair are both things that I do on Sundays. Since I felt really bad last night, none of my usual things got done. I just wasn’t up for it. I went and sat outside for a little while yesterday, but I immediately started getting bit by bugs, so that was over real quick. Nothing made things better yesterday. I couldn’t focus, I was essentially numb, I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t want to do anything, watch anything, listen to anything. I did write though. I wrote and wrote and wrote, it helped slightly, but not much.

So, now I’m home, the neurologist went fine, he reenrolled me for the device that I use for my migraines. I went to work, my computer wasn’t working, again, I was on the phone with our IT company for who knows how long. Finally I got him to understand that this wasn’t a one time thing that happened just today, it has happened three times. So, he’s working on my computer now, well he was when I left, I just hope I don’t need a new computer. I spent most of the day listening to a book on audible, trying to keep my anxiety at bay and myself on some sort of track to get work done. I tried, but I couldn’t focus and I just was not having a good day.

Fast forward to now, I’m sitting on my couch, I just got over being extremely irritable for no reason, isolating, and just overall ruminating in how just plain my day was. Also, I had barely eaten anything all day. After work, I had to run around and do things, even though all I wanted to do was lay down and just stop for a second, but I couldn’t. By time I was done, I was so angry and anxious, angry to the point where I couldn’t even stay in the same room as my boyfriend because I didn’t want to take it out on him.

And here I am now, nails still chipped, hair still unwashed, I exchanged my work clothes for some comfy ones, and I feel a lot calmer. At some point I’ll get to the things that I need to do, but it doesn’t have to be right now. I have to learn that it’s okay to take a minute to yourself, put on some headphones and tune the world out. I need to not put so much pressure on myself or feel like others are putting pressure on me when they’re not. I have to learn to let go a little bit, I don’t have to do all the things, and the things I do, they don’t have to be as perfect as I think they have to be. I have to slow down sometimes and just breathe. So, all in all, it’s only 6:35 PM, I have some time to relax. Even though I’ve been up for 12 hours. I’m going to take some time to myself and go from there. Today may have been a bit hectic, but I wasn’t manic, and as much of a bad day I had yesterday, it didn’t trigger anything bigger. So, I’ll call that a win.

Saturdays are for Showers

I hope you have a drink and a snack, this is going to be a bit of a long one. Sorry!

Today is Saturday, yas! It is currently 1:00 PM, nothing exciting is happening, yet. I woke up a little later than usual, made coffee and just hung around the apartment. I have no real plan of action today, I just want to get some blogging stuff done, because I still consider myself a new blogger. I’m doing research, reading as much as possible, and trying to find my way. I’m trying to not force it, just keep it light and easy. I am not really a light and breezy type of person when it comes to projects, I’m more of the type of person who needs to have everything perfect and very specific. This is a blog though, I want it to grow as I grow. I want to see it evolve with me.

The main reason I wanted to write today is to say that I’m having less and less symptoms everyday. The only thing that’s really lingering is anxiety. I’m trying to cut down on the amount of anti-anxiety medication I’m taking, I can’t seem to get away from it though. I try taking CBD instead, and sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. I try deep breathing, which also helps, sometimes. Now, everyone’s favorite suggestion to give me, including my therapist, is to take a shower. The thing is, I have shower anxiety. As in, I can’t be in the shower for too long or I start panicking, and as soon as I get out of the shower I have to take my anti-anxiety medication. For most people the steam feels good and helps them relax, but I feel like it’s suffocating me. As if I truly cannot breathe. It scares me. Therefore, I only shower once maybe twice a week, I know it seems like that’s too few showers, but the anxiety is too much. So, when I’m having an episode, I rarely take a shower and I wash my hair even less. I know the episode is particularly bad when I have to go to a salon and pay to have someone wash my hair. I haven’t had to do that in a while, and I don’t mind washing it as much since I cut off about 9 inches, but when I take a shower and I have to do a full shower routine, including shaving and washing my hair, my anxiety peaks.

The reason I have so much anxiety about taking a shower, is because when I was first diagnosed I would take a 45 minute shower. Curl up in a ball, and just bawl my eyes out, with the blazing hot water washing over me. I did this for years, especially when I was depressed or having a difficult day, and now my showers take maybe, 15 minutes, at the most. I’ve got my shower routine down, the thing that cut down on my shower time is that I don’t condition my hair in the shower. I buy a leave in conditioner that doesn’t need to be rinsed out, making it a lot easier on me.

I took a shower this morning, I didn’t wash my hair though because it is way too hot to leave my hair to dry. I’ll wash it in the morning when it’s cooler. I think this might be my new go to shower routine, shower one day, shave and such, then the next day I’ll wash my hair. I’ll have to see how that works out, because after this mornings shower, I actually felt okay, no anxiety or panic. So that’s my big accomplishment for the day, it may seem small, but anything I can do to combat my anxiety is a win.

Also, I ordered an Amazon Kindle Fire 8, it should be here any time now, but more on that tomorrow!

Today feels like a Friday

You know how some days don’t feel right? Like a it feels like it should be the end of the week, but it’s actually a Tuesday? That’s how I feel today. Since tomorrow is the 4th of July, we have off, and somehow we managed to get off Friday too. So, this Wednesday is kind of like a Friday. We get to wear jeans and maybe leave early, holidays in the middle of the week are pretty awesome.

I’m coming in on Friday though, I have to make up hours because I took off last Thursday because I was switching medications. And I left early the last two days because of migraines and mania. Sooo I lost hours, which is not awesome. I guess coming in Friday won’t be the worst thing ever, no one will be here, it’ll be super chill. Easy breezy. We listen to the radio all day no breaks. It’s not like it’s Spotify or anything either, it’s the actual radio, commercials and all. Sounds fun, right?

I’m working on grant letters of support today. Surprisingly it’s not too bad, but around 1, just like everyday around 1, I’m anxious. Just slightly though. So it’s not terrible, just uncomfortable. It makes it difficult to get work done. I’m focusing on the anxiety too much and not work.

The morning went pretty quickly, lunch came and went, I have to drop my timesheet off for this pay period, which makes me very anxious. They’re always saying that it would “be great” if I could drop it off early, but I can’t. They don’t understand, it takes me all day to work up enough strength and courage to go and do it. I can’t bring it early. I feel like a lot of people don’t understand. Anxiety has become so normalized that not everyone can understand when you say “no, I’m really anxious”. They’re perception of anxiety is personalized. Whether they have it or they listen to the stigma, I feel like people don’t understand, well some people.

I don’t talk openly about my anxiety or bipolar. I don’t want people to make up perceptions about me because of a biological disorder. Like, I can’t just not be bipolar. It’s literally in my genes. Like, thank you for your suggestions, but it is part of me. It makes it hard for me to accept that I’m more than just bipolar, when people perceive me only that one way. That’s why I don’t talk openly about it. I want people to know me, as me. With no preconceived notions.

Anywayyyyy. Work, I’m back at it. Trying not to be anxious, because, it’s Friday, right?

or shall I say Fri-yay…

The East End in July

I don’t spend a lot of time all the way out on the east end of Long Island (i live closer to the middle) especially in the summer. Today was one of the days though, that I decided to venture out the the lavender fields in East Marion. My, my, what an experience. It was just a perfect morning.

I packed up my boyfriend and the car, as if we were going on a road trip, and off we went. My parents were going to meet us out there. (I’m also one of those people who likes to be over prepared). Anyway, we ventured out and drove, and drove. We stopped for coffee at one of my favorite shops, which was packed, which I thought was just giving me an idea of how the day was going to go, but boy was I wrong.

We made great time out to East Marion and there was practically no one at the lavender fields. It was the perfect morning. The sun was shining it wasn’t too hot, it was just right. So we paid the fee to get in (yes, there’s a $9 fee to get into a lavender field, but trust me it’s worth it). Then we started meandering our way around the fields, there’s probably about 4-5 acres of lavender, it wasn’t fully bloomed, but it was still beautiful and if you like the smell of lavender, this is your type of place. There’s English and French lavender and it’s just a sea of beautiful flowers. And of course, purple is my favorite color sooooo, I was obsessed.

I always see people taking the cutest pictures in this field and they always look so amazing. So, of course, I made my boyfriend take a million and one pictures. And it was just the best day.

Let me just add some stuff about my mental state. This was a day that I needed. We left at 8:15 and we were back by 1:15, there was barely any anxiety, and it was just perfect. I knew what to do to minimize my anxiety, but still be able to go and do something I really wanted to do. So, I made the plans and just did it. My strength outweighed the panic today.

Another thing (I know this post is like a million years long) is that I wore shorts and a crop for the first time since I put on the medication weight. I’m not the biggest fan of my body, but I’ve been reading a lot about body positively lately. So I decided, eff it, and I wore the cute outfit. I cringed at the pictures a little bit, but the memories that were made today is why really matters, so I posted the pictures.

That’s my story for the day, it was a beautiful Sunday, in my beautiful life, and I’m the luckiest girl in the world. So, is it worth it, you ask? Going to the east end in the summer? Yes. But be sure to plan it properly, trust me.

Plan your escape

It’s a slow day at work today. I’m by myself, doing nothing, so I figured I’d write a post. It’s been awhile. Basically, I’ve been feeling good. Well more like neural, no waiting for the other shoe to drop kind of good, but just chilling good. It’s amazing. I haven’t felt like this in forever.

Anyway, I switched from adderall to vyvanse, so far so good. By that I mean I just switched yesterday morning and nothing bad has happened yet. Sooo yeah, I’m pretty happy about it.

I’m working today, I’m very proud of myself, I’ve only taken one day off in the last four weeks and I didn’t leave early any days. Like, who am I? The queen of “not feeling well” to the point where I would keep myself from doing things, even working. I’m in a much better head space from a year ago. Why, I don’t know. I keep writing in my journal, that something isn’t clicking, but that’s the thing, I think things are clicking. Finally. So no symptoms are the best symptoms, right?

I guess to answer my own question, it’s a thin line. Sometimes you’ll get too comfortable with no symptoms and neglect yourself, sometimes you’ll focus on it too much and you won’t let yourself feel, what I would call, neutral. So I guess I’ve found the balance. I’m taking care of myself, the best I can, but, also doing the best I can, I’m aware. Aware of triggers, situations, my own anxiety. Mostly triggers. I’m thinking about it now. Like, if this situation is going to make me anxious, than I’ll handle it this way. Instead of blindly going in and hoping it’ll work out, that’s not how my brain works. I need to be prepared, always have an escape plan. Even if it’s just me telling someone that I “don’t feel well”, that’s my default. No matter what I do or where I go, I think I’ll always be the queen of “I don’t feel well”. It’s my roots. I used to have trouble describing what I felt, so I would just say that I didn’t feel well, because that’s all I knew. I knew I didn’t feel well, I couldn’t explain why or anything past that, that was my baseline. For a long time. How and why that changed was a force of nature and it just so happened that, that force was me. I thought it was meds or biology, but it was me.

I am the force of nature behind this change.

Sunday’s make me smile

I woke up at 5am today. Why? I’m not sure, this usually happens on Sunday’s though. I’ll wake up early, even before the sun, and I’ll watch YouTube videos, I should do something else. Something for my self care, I don’t know, mediate or something, that would probably be the smart thing to do, but that’s not me. I think I wake up this early because I feel less anxious. Usually, I wake up between 7 and 8, and I’ll experience extreme anxiety. When I wake up at 5 though, I don’t. It’s pretty weird, but that’s why I don’t mind, doing weird things, that is me.

So what’s on my schedule for today? Well there’s things I should do and then there’s the things that I will do. I like to make a to-do list every morning, made up of a mixture of both. So, Sunday’s its usually, shower, skincare, hair, and then relax. Then maybe I’ll write or do schoolwork. I’ll spend the day talking to the boyfriend and constantly texting my best friend. By constantly, I mean constantly. There’s a never ending flow of messages about the most meaningful to the most random things. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a friend like that, but it truly is a blessing.

Other Sunday things include, making weekly lists for my vision board, watching Buffy, lots of beauty YouTube, and music. Oh, yeah, baseball is back too, so Sunday’s are for day games and watching the Mets. Things that make my heart smile. Sunday’s are for that. I don’t particularly like Saturdays, like I said, I’m weird, but like a good weird. Sunday’s are my day though. Sunday’s are easy, breezy, for me anyway. Maybe today we’ll drive out to that little coffee shop I love or go to brunch or maybe just lay around the apartment. Who knows what Sunday’s hold, not me, that’s for sure.