Halloweek has Commenced.

Halloween is on Thursday. I’m not the biggest fan of Halloween, I’ve never had a really amazing experience with it, so I look forward to it, but I also don’t. I always feel this pressure to do something, to have that one perfect experience, then maybe I’ll be happy and start loving Halloween. I just don’t want to do anything though. Because I’ve outgrown the bar scene and I don’t really have enough friends to have a party or anything, so this year’s plan was to sit at home, in my sloth onesie, and get high. Now, my boyfriend suggested we go to Sleepy Hollow, in New York. It does sound like fun, and it would probably be a nice night. But, I’m not sure if I want to go. I have class at 1 so we would leave at 3ish. So I would have all day to prepare and get ready and just be okay. For some reason, I just don’t feel like it.

I hate crowds and there’s no way to know big the crowd will be at Sleepy Hollow. We were in Salem, MA last Halloween, and that was INSANITY. So many people. I don’t want to go through that again. There are just so many unknown variables. I haven’t been feeling well lately though, just very anxious and uncomfortable. I had a pretty bad manic episode on Tuesday and by Thursday, I had completely crashed. Needless to say, I missed class all week. We’ll be an hour and a half away from home, so if I start feeling bad, there’s essentially no where to go.

On the flip side, I feel like I should just go. I want these amazing experiences, so if I never go anywhere and just avoid things, how will I have those experiences or make those memories? I need to step out of my comfort zone and I know that. I’m constantly having these conflicting sides to every situation. If I go X could happen, but I won’t know unless I go. “X” could be anything. Good or bad, it’s just a variable. I need to just figure it out. Also, my boyfriend really wants to go, and I don’t want to let him down. He’s so amazing and he does so much for me, why can’t I just get out of my own head and just go? For him. I don’t want to ruin his Halloween by just nixing it immediately, so I’m going to think about it.

The more I think about it though, the deeper into my head I go. I don’t want to miss out on things. I know I can’t live inside my house forever. I need to go out. Do things, experience things, just live. I cannot let my disorder get in the way of things forever, I can’t hide behind it or use it as an excuse forever. All in all, let Halloweek commence.

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Another bipolar day

There seems to be a trend in my days, I wake up and feel bad, then I’ll have some medical marijuana and I’ll feel better, then a few hours later I’ll feel bad again. Then I’ll feel okay. It’s not mood swings, so it’s nothing serious it’s just very annoying. I mean it’s part of being bipolar I suppose. I just hate it. I hate being bipolar, some days I hate it more than others. Some days I hate it so much I cry. I feel so defeated from it. Like no matter what I do, how many meds I take or symptom management I do, I feel like it never changes. I was saying the other day, how I just take meds out of routine sometimes and I don’t even think about why I’m taking them. I don’t want to have to take all these meds, I also know I can’t go off them. I know people say that there are benefits to having bipolar, I’m assuming most of those people don’t have bipolar. Because I hate it. So much. It’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Why did it have to be me? I know it’s genetic, so I don’t actually have a say. 

I can accept that I have it, but I don’t have to like it. I don’t have to feel any way about it. I just have to deal with it and manage it. I didn’t have a choice in getting it, but I have a choice in how I deal with it. So, I will continue to take my meds and manage my symptoms. I’ll put my work in, because that’s the best chance I have of making my life liveable, to my personal standards. I’ve had to lower those standards though. Like, I’ve had to alter timelines of things that I want to happen. Living with bipolar isn’t easy. A lot of days I’m just sad or I just feel bad for no reason. There’s days I just need to rest and there’s days I have to push myself, then there’s days where I actually feel okay enough to choose to do things. Those days are few though, but they seem to be becoming more frequent. I’ve put alot of work in and it does show, I do see the changes, I really do, but some days my soul just hurts and I’m just tired. Tired of everything. So I just curl up in a ball and just not participate in life, and that’s no way to live, but it’s my reality. I have to pick and choose my battles, like what will I choose to do today, because I’ll have a list of things to do, but I’ll have to pick one thing because it’s too difficult to do more than that. 

Some days, I just can’t. I can’t be expected to do anything, the day is essentially just a wash. Nothing is going to get done. Then days like today, I had a wonderful time with my family, but just two hours or so, once I get home, I’m done for the day. Nothing else can be expected to be done. I’m just going to lay in my bed and try and avoid the bad feelings that are going to come. And sure enough, it happened, I came home and I felt like garbage. I hate it so much. I wish I wasn’t bipolar, but I am. I just have to deal the best that I can. 

Luck and Love

I was having a conversation with my boyfriend, literally 10 minutes ago. I said that I win every single day when I get to be with him, butttt that’s not going to stop me from entering as many giveaways as I can.

I’m sitting on the floor next to his side of the bed, with my dog next to me, why? I just had the urge it sit on the floor. He said it’s because I “wanted a change of scenery”. Which is quite possible. Anyway, I’m watching my usual YouTube beauty videos and one of my favorite YouTubers, just released an eyeshadow palette, and I didn’t think I wanted it until I saw the reviews. Now I’m like NEED. Unfortunately, by time I get the money to get it, it’ll be sold out. I entered two giveaways to try and win it, but no luck there. I haven’t won a giveaway, well, ever. I enter a lot too. That’s the main reason I got my Twitter, to enter giveaways. That probably sounds crazy. I mean, to me it makes sense. I like free things. If it’s easy to enter, then I don’t see why not. I have 7 followers on Twitter. My main Twitter. I don’t even know how many I have on my blog Twitter. Anyway, I’m clearly not the luckiest person when it comes to giveaways. That’s fine with me. As much as it would be nice to get all those things, I’m lucky in other ways.

I have a place to live, I have the best pets, and a wonderful love of my life. Along with MANY other blessings in my life in the form of people. My parents, my best friend, my whole family in general. It just shows me, that sometimes I need to take a minute and reflect. Because I really don’t think I do that enough. I feel like I don’t take things for granted, but sometimes I do. Sometimes I forget to just stop and look around and see all the love in my life, the true luck that I have.

I may not have a knack for winning giveaways, but I sure do have a knack for attracting the best people. I guess, that is luck.