The World Keeps Turning

I’m kind of tired to be writing this right now, but no time like the present I suppose. So, here I am, again, trying my hand at getting this blog back up. I have the time now and I really just need to find something to fill my time. Since the last time I wrote not much has happened. Well, I was in North Carolina for 3 months, but that’s about it. I’m helping take care of my 95 year old grandma now too.

Life goes on whether I’m writing here or not. The reason I haven’t been writing is probably because I haven’t had anything to write about. I haven’t had any inspiration or drive. I’ve become stagnant and it’s not good. It’s not healthy or productive and I need to get out of it somehow. So, my hope is that this will help. I don’t have a ton of followers, but hopefully those of you that do will stick with me. I want to plan some content and try and be creative with this again. I need to find passion somewhere. I’ve never actually found something I’m so passionate about that I can’t contain it. Right now, there’s nothing I would die on a hill for. I need to find the creativity and the drive. The will to create something bigger than myself. We’ll see though. I’ve been here before, but I really want to try. Not half try and give up, but actually put something into this. That’s my hope anyway.

Hope is something that’s eluded me for a long time, but I think I’ve found some. I’ve found the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s creativity. That’s the light. The world will keep turning no matter what I do though. So, we’ll see what happens.

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Welcome back, to myself.

I know, I know. Every time I take a break from this blog, I come back a few months later and say the same thing. Now, I’ll be honest, I’m just bored. I graduated, I don’t have a job yet, I have no hobbies. So, here I am again.

I’ve always loved writing, so a blog seems like a logical option. Of course, I want to write a book, but this is where I am and what I have right now. This will do and I will make the most of it. Part of the reason I’ve been gone for so long is because I needed an adjustment to my medication. So, now, medication is adjusted and the feeling of boredom has seeped in.

I’m not going to revamp this blog, I’m hoping I can just pick up where I left off. I’ve grown as a person over the course of this blog and I want to be able to keep documenting the change.

Meditative Morning

I woke up this morning in a surprisingly relaxed mood. Just very chill. It was odd, but I woke up before sunrise, which I rarely ever do. Especially since I’ve been done with school. I mean, I’ve only been done with school for about two weeks or so. However, this is the first morning I’ve felt like this. I’m going back to my old morning routine I think. Which was coffee, podcasts, maybe a workout, and writing or reading. I’ve actually added crocheting to that, but I need to add some quiet time into my mornings. For the past year I’ve just woken up and put on YouTube and just be done with it. I need to be more mindful and meditative though. When I get anxious I have started being mindful of my breath and just turning everything off. No distractions, just me and my breath. It’s amazing what a few deep breaths can do.

It helps when I put my headphones in too. I think I’ll add a simple book into my morning routine, nothing too heavy. I think I’ll add Percy Jackson. I’ve read it before, but I think I want to do a reread. I think it will help me ease into my day without getting excited and just shoving me into a my day. I also need to add eating a normal breakfast into my morning. I just want to have a relaxing morning from now on.

I also want to start doing more blog posts about actual things not just posts about my mornings. I focus a lot on myself. Like an unhealthy amount. I think that’s why I get so anxious all the time, I’m just in my own head all the time, thinking about myself and what I’m doing wrong and just me me me. And here I am, just writing about myself. This is my blog though. So, it’s a fine line.

I’m going on vacation in a month in a half and I’m very excited. We’re going upstate and it will be very nice to get away.

It’s a little later in the day now, and my meditative morning has faded away. Now it’s filled with boredom and anxiety, fidgeting and lack of focus. I hate when this happens, I’ll have an okay morning, but then I realize how much of the day I have left and I start to panic. Like, what am I supposed to do all day? I mean, I have options, but when I sit down to do any of them I just get a wave of anxiety. Which then makes me not want to do anything. So, I’ll just sit and get stuck in my own head. I can’t stay like that though, if I start living in these feelings I’ll just spiral.

I think I have to work on chucks of my day. Like I’ll work on making my mornings smooth, then I’ll work on being less anxious and panicky in the afternoon, and so on. I just don’t know what to do any more. My boyfriend says it could be an identity crisis because I’m technically graduated. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like it.

Books on Books

Hi Everyone!

So, I just wanted to update you on some changes. I know I haven’t been very active, but I’ve been having a massive lack of inspiration and time. I miss blogging and hope to get back into the swing of things soon. I’m finishing up my undergrad this summer, so I’ll have tons of free time after August.

The updates that I wanted to let you know about is that I’m going to be adding a bunch more book content. I’ve been obsessed with reading and buying books and I want to hold myself accountable to actually read them. I will still write about my mental health, but I’ve been working on that a lot and I’m not ready to talk about this new journey I’m on. So, books it is!

I’ll give a quick mental health update though. I’ve been having ups and downs, nothing new there. I haven’t added or subtracted any meds. I’m just trying to accept myself as I am. I’m working very hard and I’ll let you in the loop when I’m ready.

The first book I’ll be working on is The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen. One of my absolute FAVORITE books.

I hope you’re all doing well and I’ll speak with you soon!

Drafts

in case anyone was wondering I have 42 blog post drafts saved. That’s right forty-two. If that doesn’t help describe me I’m not sure whay does. I’m scatterbrained, I can’t make decisions, I’m self conscious, I’m a lot of things. Part of it is my bipolar and part of it is the effect the disorder has had on me. I get stressed easily and lately it’s been worse then it has been. I have a very big decision to make soon and I honestly have no idea what I’m going to do when the time comes. For the situation I’m in, there really is a wrong decision, it’s just that one may be better than another, but it’s not wrong. Things haven’t been easy and I feel like everything is amplified. I’ve pretty much been on an emotional rollercoaster these past few months and it is exhausting. 

Being emotionally exhausted is one of the worst things in my opinion. I dont want to move. I don’t want to get out of bed. It’s like all the joy has been robbed from me. It’s not enough to be classified as depression, but it’s still horrible. This decision that is looming over my head is killing me. It’s a waiting game right now and it’s the worst. It’s like I’ve been stuck in a waiting game since the pandemic started. I’ve just been so anxious. It’s like I habe 42 drafts in my mind and none of them are finished and none of them seem good enough to post. 

I’ve been on a constant hunt for comfort. Like yes, I have my people, but I can’t be with them or talk to them every waking hour. I need to find comfort in something. I started reading Harry Potter, but I need to save those books for something else that’s upcoming. So I started The Hobbit again. So I’ll see how that goes. I have Percy Jackson on deck in case I find that it doesn’t help. I’m also costantly looking at lists to find ideas for how to handle the anxiety. Because it’s just generalized anxiety, because I can’t pin point one exact thing that is making me anxious. There’s so much going on. There’s so much stress, everyone keeps telling me it’s justified and tells me that it’ll work out. It doesn’t feel like it though. It feels like it’s just impending doom. I mean,after my decision is made in about 6 to 8 weeks, things will likely lighten up. I’ve been trying to look forward to the holidays, but they’re happening after all if this. I just know they’re not going to be the same. I already made the decision that I won’t be spending Thanksgiving with my whole family which makes me sad, but it’s what will make me feel most comfortable. So there’s that. Its like the virus has crushed dreams that I haven’t even had yet. When the world is in the state that it’s in, it’s hard to latch onto a dream. It’s not easy to live in the climate we’re in now. Including the political climate, which I will not get into here. The world is a mess though. It’s like everyone has 42 drafts and they’re trying to figure out what to do with them. 

I know there’s hope in the world and that eventually things will get better and we’ll come out on the other side of this stronger and better people. It really doesn’t seem like it. And I sure as hell don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel yet, but it’ll be there eventually. 

Catching Up

I feel like it’s been quite sometime since I posted here. Well, I suppose it really has been. I needed a bit of a break after the death of my grandmother. I’m back now, well I’m going to try and be.

Honestly, nothing much has happened in the past month or so. I’ve been stuck in the house. I just wanted to write a little bit about how COVID has affected my mental health. I am easily triggered, and will quickly have a mood swing after the initial trigger. So, being stuck in the apartment you would think that I would be able to avoid triggers, that is not the case though. I am easily triggered by videos and sometimes pictures. Also, by the emotions of the people around me. Since my boyfriend and I are spending every single second of every single day together, it’s almost impossible to not feed off of each others emotions. So, I’ll get triggered by something, then he’ll feel my stress and it’ll possibly trigger him. It’s a very delicate system.

Also, the business has not been doing the best. Due to COVID, people just aren’t buying our products. We try so hard. The lack of orders and work to do leaves me very anxious and bored and then I panic because I feel like I should be doing work, when there’s no work to be done. It’s all very frustrating. I have a very strong work ethic so when I don’t have something to focus my energy on, I get severe, debilitating anxiety. I tell my doctors and they try to help me and give me advice, but the bottom line is that we can’t adjust my meds. So, it’s basically me against myself. In my head. All day everyday. I’ve been manic a few times, down, but not truly depressed, but mostly the anxiety. Except yesterday I felt extremely unstable. I don’t know what happened, but something tipped the scales. I feel like I need to channel my energy. I’ve been writing a lot of fiction, but I’ve kind of run out of inspiration.

I know they say that you have to write even when you don’t feel like it or if you don’t feel inspired. I just can’t seem to push myself though. Everything just feels off. Probably because no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’ve found that; no matter how much you try, it’s almost impossible to move forward when the world is standing still. Because we are still in the middle of a pandemic and things don’t seem to be getting better. I feel like there is no hope. Like I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even as I write this I feel a sense of panic. Everything is a struggle. It also doesn’t help that it’s like a sauna in my apartment.

I honestly am doing the best that I can. I just keep forgetting to remind myself of that. Sometimes, doing the best that you can is enough. Even if all that you do is get out of bed. I had a pretty strict morning routine, but somewhere along the way it fell to the wayside. I wish that hadn’t happened, but it did. I know not to beat myself up about it, but it’s difficult.

So, COVID has not given me any more drive, it hasn’t really done anything productive for me. I’m hoping I can start feeling better today and get back into blogging. I’ve really missed this.

I lost someone very close to me this week. I’m sad and my heart hurts. I know what it’s like to lose someone, but it’s different this time. I didn’t get to say goodbye and I don’t think I’ll be able to get a proper one. There is no closure I just have to grive and mourn the best that I can. With memories and thinking of her when ever I’m doing something or I’m somewhere I know she loved to go. When I read a piece of literature or I’m in an art mesuem or I’m just trying some new food. She brought so much culture into my life. I don’t think I’d be the same person without her. 

My heart is heavy. The tears come and go. My life won’t be the same. I have to find a way to heal, the wound is still pretty fresh though. This post is short, but I’ll have a pretty long weekly wrap up post tommrow there’s lots to chat about and I think it’ll take my mind off of things. 

Why Am I Crying?

This is a question I ask myself every single time I cry. I was just stretching to workout and I just started crying. Bawling. I have no idea why. I know, sometimes you just need to cry, but usually, you know when it’s coming. I just started crying and the first thing I asked myself is what do I need? My answer, I don’t know. I don’t know what I need when I don’t know why I’m crying. I don’t know why I feel overwhelmed, I just don’t know.

Crying is tough on your body, you finish crying and you’re exhausted. I mean, it could be my bipolar, when I’m in the neutral space I just don’t know what to do. I just feel so lost, so I just cry sometimes. Then I wonder, is this a sign of an episode? I just feel so lost right now and I’m not sure what to do. How do I turn my episodes into something productive? I don’t have the answer for myself for that one. I feel like this is a manic episode, I just feel it in my bones. I can’t sit still, my mind is going a million miles a minute. I feel a sense of panic, I get overwhelmed by emotion and I cried. I think. I feel like I can’t breathe and I just have to go and go and go. I can’t though, I don’t know how to channel this manic energy. So, I cry, and this probably isn’t the first time it’ll happen today. I can’t even focus on this post. I wish I could just curl up back into bed, but there’s no way I could do that. Sitting still is not something that’s not on the agenda today. My mind is all fuzzy, I’m not sure if that happens to anyone else when they feel manic.

Okay, it’s after that initial morning cry that set my whole day in motion. I was convinced that bawling my eyes out in the middle of my living room floor would set the tone for my day. Somehow, it didn’t. Well, at least I don’t think so. I feel pretty okay right now, but I feel like today is going to be a day of mood swings. I’m going to assume mostly up feelings. I still don’t know what set me off this morning. It made me very nervous because I didn’t know if it was a sign of something bigger to come, but so far so good. I mean I am feeling pretty anxious right now, mostly about how the start of my day will affect the rest of the day. I want to try and give myself time to rest, but I also want to try and get stuff done because yesterday was a wash.

Also, all of this has caused me to get a stress pimple. Which means I am very stressed out. I keep trying deep breathing and all of those things. At the end of the day though, a lot of my emotional issues stem from being Bipolar. I don’t want to let being bipolar define me or let it dictate my day, but some days it just does. Somedays, my bipolar rules the day, and as much as I want to fight it, I can’t and I will cry. So, a lot of times I’m crying because I’m fighting an invisible enemy and somedays I’m tired of fighting it.

Real life, is real

Sometime things happen, and it’s just like, well damn. And you’re left asking, who? What? Where? Why? Just like, how?

It seems like life isn’t fair, as if, the real world just crashed into your personal space and there’s no boundaries. Maybe if you believe in fate, it’ll make sense, now or later, but maybe never. Somethings are just meant to be or not be in some cases.

I wrote this in August? Maybe? Regardless, it’s a sentiment that still applies. I’m not sure what I was writing this about, but I feel like it kind of applies to now. With COVID-19, it has nothing to do with fate. There are conspiracy theories surrounding how the virus was contracted in the first place. One of which is that China created it in a lab, now I’m no conspiracy theorist, but I think it’s a possibility. I’m just going to leave it at that.

Anyway, when New York shut down, real life, it got real, very quickly. We were rushing to make sure we had what we needed. Then there was literally nothing to do. My boyfriend said that you have to accept the situation that we’re in, process it however you need to, but you need to process and accept that this may be how things will be for an unknown amount of time. What did I do? I spiraled into a depression. It was severe, and really hard on me. But he snapped me out of it after weeks on weeks of this all consuming depression. And, I now am at peace with this is how things are for however long this lasts for. Now, I can take advantage of it or I can just wallow, just be like, I’m the only one who feels this way. Which is not true. Everyone may not feel things the way I do, but they’re hurting just the same. I was living in this self-centered fantasy world, and my boyfriend brought me back to the real world. He gave me what I needed to fully process and accept what’s happening.

So yes, the real world, it’s real now. We are in the middle of a global pandemic, and there is nothing we can do about it. That’s as real as it gets. Nothing any regular person does will be able the cure the virus. We can help each other make the situation easier, but we can’t create a cure. I feel like that’s a hard pill to swallow, in the grand scheme of things, most regular people, can’t help create a vaccine, they can’t administer the necessary tests. Our futures are in other peoples hands. And to me, that’s horrifying.

A Few Early Morning Thoughts

It’s currently 7:11 am, I’ve been up since 5:45. I’m writing this on the morning of mothers day, but I’m not sure when this will go up. What’s on my mind this morning? Well, I’m trying to convince myself that it’s okay to take a day off from exercising, I’ve been doing small workouts every morning for the past week. I have the mindset right now that it takes X amount of days to create a habit. So I figured that if I worked out everyday for that amount of days, I would get into the habit. I know I can’t push myself too hard though, some days your body needs a break. I did stretch, so that’s something.

Also, I’m very excited to give my mom her gifts. I’m not going to say what they are in case I decide that I want to post this, this morning. I’m also thinking about setting some goals for this week. The only issue is that, sometimes when I set goals I put too much pressure on myself to do them. Maybe if I do set these goals it will be a good exercise for not putting this pressure on myself. Like, tell myself, it’s okay if you don’t get all of these things done this week, it’s okay. Maybe I’ll try it this week, just set some small goals, for example; exercise four times this week or post on my business social media six days this week and try and schedule those posts early. Things like that. Or my absolute least favorite thing to do, is do the dishes. I know I should probably do dishes more than once a week, but I just hate it so much. So, I’ll start with dishes once a week, including putting them away. Yeah, I’ll start with those. Just some basic things.

I’m currently listening to a podcast, as I now do every morning, I’m listening to Start Inspired, which is a podcast by one of my favorite YouTubers Samantha March. It really is an inspiring podcast, I highly recommend. The other podcast I like to listen to in the morning is Approachable with another YouTuber, Samantha Ravndahl and her friend Alyssa. (I’m not sure how to tag the podcasts Approachable  and Start Inspired) That may or may not work. If it doesn’t I’ll find a way to link them. So, those the podcasts I’m loving right now.

Last night my mom’s side of the family did a Google Meetup. It was my first time doing that in this quarantine, and I loved it. Being able to see the people I love and just have a chat, it was easy breezy. I’d love to do it again.

Anyway, this got a lot more ramblely than I planned, but that’s just how I am in the morning. Like I said, I’m not sure when this is going up, but I’m writing it on Sunday morning, so I’ll try and update on some things I touched on.