The World Keeps Turning

I’m kind of tired to be writing this right now, but no time like the present I suppose. So, here I am, again, trying my hand at getting this blog back up. I have the time now and I really just need to find something to fill my time. Since the last time I wrote not much has happened. Well, I was in North Carolina for 3 months, but that’s about it. I’m helping take care of my 95 year old grandma now too.

Life goes on whether I’m writing here or not. The reason I haven’t been writing is probably because I haven’t had anything to write about. I haven’t had any inspiration or drive. I’ve become stagnant and it’s not good. It’s not healthy or productive and I need to get out of it somehow. So, my hope is that this will help. I don’t have a ton of followers, but hopefully those of you that do will stick with me. I want to plan some content and try and be creative with this again. I need to find passion somewhere. I’ve never actually found something I’m so passionate about that I can’t contain it. Right now, there’s nothing I would die on a hill for. I need to find the creativity and the drive. The will to create something bigger than myself. We’ll see though. I’ve been here before, but I really want to try. Not half try and give up, but actually put something into this. That’s my hope anyway.

Hope is something that’s eluded me for a long time, but I think I’ve found some. I’ve found the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s creativity. That’s the light. The world will keep turning no matter what I do though. So, we’ll see what happens.

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Let the creativity flow a little bit, girl

I haven’t been feeling very creative lately. So I haven’t posted anything in a very long time. I don’t know, a lot has been weighing on my mind, and I haven’t been feeling the best emotionally and physically. I feel like I haven’t been connected to myself. I stopped writing all together and I haven’t been reading as much. So pretty much, all my inspiration has dried up. Until today. Today, I feel better. I feel like I’m in a good place right now. (Knock on wood).

I haven’t been as anxious lately, the source of most of my anxiety has been stemming from the fact that I have nothing to be anxious about. Like, I’m constantly looking for things to be anxious about. If that makes any sense. I have to learn to get over that, some way some how. I need to start living in the moment, not like being spontaneous, but just being. I decided to start weening myself off social media, because that’s a major part of my stress. I’m still in the stage of my life where I care what other people think of me. As if I need to curate all of these pictures to look like I have everything together. I feel like, once I learn to let that go, I’ll be able to find more peace within myself.

So today, I’m currently sitting in my best friends bed with her, helping her rebrand her business. We were brainstorming some ideas, and I said, we’re creative in different ways, which is 100% true, she paints and draws and makes jewelry. I’m more of a writer and an idea person. I can’t draw particularly well, but I love to write. Which shows how little inspiration and drive I’ve been having, since I haven’t even wanted to write, not pick up a pen, let alone blog. I want to get back into it though. I’ve missed this. Just sitting here and typing how I feel. I find it relaxing and just overall good for me.

At the end of August, I went to Salem, MA with my boyfriend. I thought being there would spark some type of inspiration, but it didn’t. I absolutely love Salem, but it didn’t spark enough inspiration in me to write. But I’m back now. I’m going to try and write more. Get back into it.

School started though, so I truly have to focus on that, but I want to write a little bit at least. I want to respark what I had inside of me over the summer. I helps having a very creative friend, and sitting here with her, is making the creativity flow a little easier.

I just want to take this chance to say how beyond thankful I am for my friends and family, my support system. I know my bipolar can have an impact on them, and they always stick by me. Especially through all the episodes, irrational thoughts, and anxiety.

I’m trying not to let the anxiety get to me or get me down. I know I just have to push myself a little bit more, but I also have to know my limits. Knowing when I’m doing too much and making myself overwhelmed, or just being in my head too much. I have to be more self aware and just be. In the moment, in a good mindset, just in a good place. And be able to accept that I’m not going to be anxious all the time, and I have to stop looking for things to be anxious about. I can’t let the disorder control me, because I control it.

Plan your escape

It’s a slow day at work today. I’m by myself, doing nothing, so I figured I’d write a post. It’s been awhile. Basically, I’ve been feeling good. Well more like neural, no waiting for the other shoe to drop kind of good, but just chilling good. It’s amazing. I haven’t felt like this in forever.

Anyway, I switched from adderall to vyvanse, so far so good. By that I mean I just switched yesterday morning and nothing bad has happened yet. Sooo yeah, I’m pretty happy about it.

I’m working today, I’m very proud of myself, I’ve only taken one day off in the last four weeks and I didn’t leave early any days. Like, who am I? The queen of “not feeling well” to the point where I would keep myself from doing things, even working. I’m in a much better head space from a year ago. Why, I don’t know. I keep writing in my journal, that something isn’t clicking, but that’s the thing, I think things are clicking. Finally. So no symptoms are the best symptoms, right?

I guess to answer my own question, it’s a thin line. Sometimes you’ll get too comfortable with no symptoms and neglect yourself, sometimes you’ll focus on it too much and you won’t let yourself feel, what I would call, neutral. So I guess I’ve found the balance. I’m taking care of myself, the best I can, but, also doing the best I can, I’m aware. Aware of triggers, situations, my own anxiety. Mostly triggers. I’m thinking about it now. Like, if this situation is going to make me anxious, than I’ll handle it this way. Instead of blindly going in and hoping it’ll work out, that’s not how my brain works. I need to be prepared, always have an escape plan. Even if it’s just me telling someone that I “don’t feel well”, that’s my default. No matter what I do or where I go, I think I’ll always be the queen of “I don’t feel well”. It’s my roots. I used to have trouble describing what I felt, so I would just say that I didn’t feel well, because that’s all I knew. I knew I didn’t feel well, I couldn’t explain why or anything past that, that was my baseline. For a long time. How and why that changed was a force of nature and it just so happened that, that force was me. I thought it was meds or biology, but it was me.

I am the force of nature behind this change.

Sunday’s make me smile

I woke up at 5am today. Why? I’m not sure, this usually happens on Sunday’s though. I’ll wake up early, even before the sun, and I’ll watch YouTube videos, I should do something else. Something for my self care, I don’t know, mediate or something, that would probably be the smart thing to do, but that’s not me. I think I wake up this early because I feel less anxious. Usually, I wake up between 7 and 8, and I’ll experience extreme anxiety. When I wake up at 5 though, I don’t. It’s pretty weird, but that’s why I don’t mind, doing weird things, that is me.

So what’s on my schedule for today? Well there’s things I should do and then there’s the things that I will do. I like to make a to-do list every morning, made up of a mixture of both. So, Sunday’s its usually, shower, skincare, hair, and then relax. Then maybe I’ll write or do schoolwork. I’ll spend the day talking to the boyfriend and constantly texting my best friend. By constantly, I mean constantly. There’s a never ending flow of messages about the most meaningful to the most random things. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a friend like that, but it truly is a blessing.

Other Sunday things include, making weekly lists for my vision board, watching Buffy, lots of beauty YouTube, and music. Oh, yeah, baseball is back too, so Sunday’s are for day games and watching the Mets. Things that make my heart smile. Sunday’s are for that. I don’t particularly like Saturdays, like I said, I’m weird, but like a good weird. Sunday’s are my day though. Sunday’s are easy, breezy, for me anyway. Maybe today we’ll drive out to that little coffee shop I love or go to brunch or maybe just lay around the apartment. Who knows what Sunday’s hold, not me, that’s for sure.