Playing Catch Up

I almost went back to bed this morning, but once I realized that it wasn’t 80 degrees in the living room, I jumped at the chance to make a cup of hot coffee. I’m getting a cold brew maker today and I could not be more excited.

This is my alone time, so I figured I would take advantage of the quiet and try and write something. I have a post in mind, but it’s too early to get into that post. So I’m going to do a quick like 3 week, weekly wrap-up.

I’ve spent most of my time mourning and being sad. I cried a lot at first, but that stopped and now I’m just sad. Time is moving so slowly because I feel like it happened so long ago, but it’s been less than a month.

I keep saying I should write down things that happen in my week, but I don’t, then I forget what to write in the weekly wrap-up. I mean, that about sums up my weeks. I haven’t really been loving things because I’ve just been doing random things to distract myself and pass the time, I haven’t really been consistent with anything.

So I’m going to write somethings I’m excited for:

  • New Headphones: I’m not sure if I posted the post where I said that my boyfriend says I’m where electronics come to die. Well, he is also tired of me having cheap headphones that constantly break. My train of thought is, if I keep breaking them why buy expensive ones. Anyway, I found a pair of Skullcandy ones that would be perfect for me. They’re coming today! The reason I wanted them was because you can track the individual earbuds with tile. Goodness knows I am constantly losing my wireless headphones. So, I’m just very excited.
  • Sailor Moon Lip Gloss- I love makeup so much. I also love Sailor Moon. So when Colourpop released a Sailor Moon collection and I was like NEED. It sold out in just a few minutes though. So when they restocked I knew I needed to get something, and I did. I got the one thing I wanted, which was the single lip gloss named Moon Tiara. I love lip gloss and I can’t wait for that.
  • Mini Avocado Eye Shadow Palette- I’ve been obsessed with getting this one mini, green eye shadow palette. I got it. I haven’t used it yet, but I’m so excited to live my best green eye shadow life.
  • Salem!- We booked a trip to Salem for the middle of July. It’ll be nice to get away for New York for a little while. We don’t have anything planned which is fine with me.
  • Birthday!! I still don’t know what I’m doing for my birthday yet, but I’m so excited. I’ll figure it out between now and August. I just like to have something planned.
  • Zoom memorial- We’re doing a zoom memorial for my grandma and I’m looking forward to actually talking about her and her life and just everything.

This is just a few things that I’m looking forward to. It’s the small things that matter.

Progress is Progress

I’m writing this on Monday afternoon.

So, I woke up this morning exhausted, like a, let my crawl back into bed and be a sloth all day. AKA do nothing but lay on the couch and just watch youtube videos to my hearts content, maybe even take a nap. Normally, I would give into that, let me be a sloth today feeling, but today I didn’t. I got it together, did a workout, and did some blogging and researching. Even after coffee I was already convinced I was going to fall back asleep, and I was about to give in. Then something weird happened, I didn’t give in. I pushed myself to stay awake, even if I just sat on the couch and watched something random. I thought to myself, who is this person. In my mind I didn’t really recognize myself, in a good way though, because all these things are changes for the good.

It’s now 2:20 pm, I’m currently having an energy drink, which is something I rarely have. I feel energized and productive. I’ve noticed within myself some changes. The thing with me is though, that once I see change I’ll just take hold of it and just grind away. Then I’ll burnout and those changes would have been for nothing. It just makes me feel bad, because I look back and say, why couldn’t I keep up with that or if I had stuck with that I would be better.

So now I’m trying to slowly make progress. Like, add in small changes as time goes on, because if I try and implement them all at once, I’ll burn out. I want to start making in-depth weekly and daily to-do lists, I want to set goals that are achievable. I want to have things to show progress, to show how far I’ve come. I just want to be more organized. I actually envy the people that can do that. Have the ability to plan their own lives for maximum productivity and just can make a clear plan. I’m not saying I want a completely structured life, I can’t function that way. I need loose structure. I need to start loosely scheduling my days, slowly. I’m not going to jump in like I usually do and try and plan every little part of my life. I want to create healthy habits that will stick, not something I’ll do for a few weeks then get tired of it and stop. I’ve put in a lot of hard work so far in the past few weeks, I don’t want to lose that or lose the momentum.

I just have to commit, commit to adding one thing a week, just pick a goal during the week before, and implement it the next week. I’ve decided to start my weeks on Mondays, Sunday’s are for relaxing or as I like to call it slothing it. On that day, I give myself permission to do whatever I want. Not change out of my pajamas? Okay. Lay on the couch and watch beauty videos all day? Sure. Once Monday morning hits though, I get back into the routine. The mindset is still there, because I’ve given myself permission to take that time. I’m not taking that time because I’m lazy and I just don’t want to or I tell myself I’m just down and there’s no point. I’m not so far in that I just cannot take a day off in the middle of the week if I need to. Say I have stomach pain one day, I’m not going to do a full workout the next day, and that’s okay.

So, I’m trying to create a routine and become more organized, but for me, it’s a slow and steady transition. I have to accept that.

Let the creativity flow a little bit, girl

I haven’t been feeling very creative lately. So I haven’t posted anything in a very long time. I don’t know, a lot has been weighing on my mind, and I haven’t been feeling the best emotionally and physically. I feel like I haven’t been connected to myself. I stopped writing all together and I haven’t been reading as much. So pretty much, all my inspiration has dried up. Until today. Today, I feel better. I feel like I’m in a good place right now. (Knock on wood).

I haven’t been as anxious lately, the source of most of my anxiety has been stemming from the fact that I have nothing to be anxious about. Like, I’m constantly looking for things to be anxious about. If that makes any sense. I have to learn to get over that, some way some how. I need to start living in the moment, not like being spontaneous, but just being. I decided to start weening myself off social media, because that’s a major part of my stress. I’m still in the stage of my life where I care what other people think of me. As if I need to curate all of these pictures to look like I have everything together. I feel like, once I learn to let that go, I’ll be able to find more peace within myself.

So today, I’m currently sitting in my best friends bed with her, helping her rebrand her business. We were brainstorming some ideas, and I said, we’re creative in different ways, which is 100% true, she paints and draws and makes jewelry. I’m more of a writer and an idea person. I can’t draw particularly well, but I love to write. Which shows how little inspiration and drive I’ve been having, since I haven’t even wanted to write, not pick up a pen, let alone blog. I want to get back into it though. I’ve missed this. Just sitting here and typing how I feel. I find it relaxing and just overall good for me.

At the end of August, I went to Salem, MA with my boyfriend. I thought being there would spark some type of inspiration, but it didn’t. I absolutely love Salem, but it didn’t spark enough inspiration in me to write. But I’m back now. I’m going to try and write more. Get back into it.

School started though, so I truly have to focus on that, but I want to write a little bit at least. I want to respark what I had inside of me over the summer. I helps having a very creative friend, and sitting here with her, is making the creativity flow a little easier.

I just want to take this chance to say how beyond thankful I am for my friends and family, my support system. I know my bipolar can have an impact on them, and they always stick by me. Especially through all the episodes, irrational thoughts, and anxiety.

I’m trying not to let the anxiety get to me or get me down. I know I just have to push myself a little bit more, but I also have to know my limits. Knowing when I’m doing too much and making myself overwhelmed, or just being in my head too much. I have to be more self aware and just be. In the moment, in a good mindset, just in a good place. And be able to accept that I’m not going to be anxious all the time, and I have to stop looking for things to be anxious about. I can’t let the disorder control me, because I control it.

Summer Sundays

It is way too hot right now, 93 degrees to be exact, but it has to feel like 105, especially in the apartment. I had a very uncomfortable manic episode yesterday, which is why I didn’t post yesterday. I couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t even write. I can usually write through whatever I’m feeling, but not yesterday.

I got manic because I didn’t sleep on Friday night, which will always trigger a manic episode for me, and that’s not an overstatement. Of course other things will trigger mania for me, but lack of sleep will do it no matter what. The music festival was a lot of fun, but I got so worked up, I couldn’t sleep. Which meant mania the next morning. It didn’t help that I hadn’t picked up my meds the day before, so the abilify, which usually keeps the mania in check, wasn’t in my system. So I took the other medication I’m supposed to take when I feel manic, and it stopped the mania from getting worse, but it left me with an insanely uncomfortable feeling. The type of feeling where, you’re on edge, and nothing can help you come down from it. I find it to be one of the worst feelings. Towards the end of the night I told my boyfriend that, I didn’t want to feel anymore. Which is when he told me I needed to rest, like take away all the visual stimulation, put on a book, close my eyes, and just rest. Which I did, and it kind of helped, well enough to get me through the rest of the night.

This morning was a little better, but it was hot in the living room. When I wake up first, which is pretty much always, I go in the living room to do whatever until he wakes up. The air conditioning is in the bed room though, so all I had were fans. Needless to say, I just snoozed through the morning. Then when he woke up, I came into the bedroom and couldn’t sit still, again. I thought it was going to be a continuation of yesterday, which thankfully it’s not. But that’s the thing, I feel like I’m always living in fear of the next episode, or I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can never truly relax. When I’m not anxious, I get anxious looking for something to be anxious about. Why can’t I just bask in the moment? Or enjoy, even for a little while, feeling the lightness of my chest or the relaxation of my back. Things I never feel.

I’m a lot calmer in the summer, summer is when I thrive, emotionally anyway. Once school starts, the constant stress begins and I feel like I’m never, not anxious. The fear sets in even more then, I’m going to school, I’m so afraid I won’t do well and I’ll waste the money that was spent that semester. I’m so afraid of an episode, that I trigger an episode. It’s just a vicious cycle. I need to learn how to combat that. On the upside, I was able to work all my hours this week. I didn’t leave early or anything.

I’ve learned that a lot of things have to do with mindset. I’m usually in the opposite mindset of where I should be, because I’m always in a fearful mindset. I’m doing my best to be positive, to know my true feelings, but it’s hard. Especially when I’m not used to really feeling, feelings. Positivity is something that I have to work towards everyday, it’s something that I can’t give up on.

Torrid Mini-Haul

I figured I’d try something new here. So here it goes!

I am on a plus size fashion adventure. I recently came to the conclusion that I had to start buying plus size clothes, and I made peace with that. So when I had that realization, I had no idea where to start shopping for clothes. So of course I did a little googling, posted in a few facebook groups for advice, and came up with a few stores to try. The most talked about one was Torrid, so I decided I’d check them out, and I quickly came to see why they were recommended by so many people. My favorite thing is that they’re always having sales.

Now, if you have ever shopped for plus size clothing, you’ve come to realize that plus size clothing costs more. A shirt in a size medium will cost a reasonable amount, but a size XL will cost you $2-$3 more. It’s actually ridiculous, it’s also called the “fat tax”. Which is even worse. Anyway, I went to torrid, saw the prices and, being the frugal person I was raised to be, thought no way. Until, I saw their sales. My, what a beautiful world it turned into.

This last paycheck I picked up a few pieces, the sale was an extra 50% off clearance, so of course I had to take advantage. So here’s what I got:

First off, I’ve totally been into floral prints and comfy clothes. So I got a pair of pants, they’re the: Paisley Floral Ponte Slim Fix,

I haven’t tried these on yet, but I’ll keep you posted. I just thought they were super cute and they’re cropped which is perfect for me, because I’m pretty short. I’m excited to wear them!

This is a skirt that I got. It’s kind of like a body con skirt, it folds over on top and it’s nice and the material is nice and thick. I put it on pretty much as soon as I got the package. It’s the perfect length and has a super fun and bright geometric pattern.

The other two things I got were a belt and sunglasses. I needed a belt because I don’t own one, and I just love sunglasses.

I can’t wait to wear the sunglasses (even though my boyfriend hates them!) and I love the belt I just think it’s adorable and it’s the right size.

So yeah, that’s my little mini haul! I’ll keep you posted on how the pants fit and how all the other stuff wears!

Plan your escape

It’s a slow day at work today. I’m by myself, doing nothing, so I figured I’d write a post. It’s been awhile. Basically, I’ve been feeling good. Well more like neural, no waiting for the other shoe to drop kind of good, but just chilling good. It’s amazing. I haven’t felt like this in forever.

Anyway, I switched from adderall to vyvanse, so far so good. By that I mean I just switched yesterday morning and nothing bad has happened yet. Sooo yeah, I’m pretty happy about it.

I’m working today, I’m very proud of myself, I’ve only taken one day off in the last four weeks and I didn’t leave early any days. Like, who am I? The queen of “not feeling well” to the point where I would keep myself from doing things, even working. I’m in a much better head space from a year ago. Why, I don’t know. I keep writing in my journal, that something isn’t clicking, but that’s the thing, I think things are clicking. Finally. So no symptoms are the best symptoms, right?

I guess to answer my own question, it’s a thin line. Sometimes you’ll get too comfortable with no symptoms and neglect yourself, sometimes you’ll focus on it too much and you won’t let yourself feel, what I would call, neutral. So I guess I’ve found the balance. I’m taking care of myself, the best I can, but, also doing the best I can, I’m aware. Aware of triggers, situations, my own anxiety. Mostly triggers. I’m thinking about it now. Like, if this situation is going to make me anxious, than I’ll handle it this way. Instead of blindly going in and hoping it’ll work out, that’s not how my brain works. I need to be prepared, always have an escape plan. Even if it’s just me telling someone that I “don’t feel well”, that’s my default. No matter what I do or where I go, I think I’ll always be the queen of “I don’t feel well”. It’s my roots. I used to have trouble describing what I felt, so I would just say that I didn’t feel well, because that’s all I knew. I knew I didn’t feel well, I couldn’t explain why or anything past that, that was my baseline. For a long time. How and why that changed was a force of nature and it just so happened that, that force was me. I thought it was meds or biology, but it was me.

I am the force of nature behind this change.

Get it Together Girl

By girl, I mean me. I’ve been falling off the wagon recently with everything. Skincare, hair care, organization, self care and love, and mostly school. I don’t know what happened. I fell into a depression and I didn’t know what to do, then there was the crippling anxiety. I mean I guess that could have something to do with it, actually that has everything to do with it. I’ve had to learn that I can’t let my depression and anxiety control me, but that’s easier said than done.

I was also sick, then I was throwing up at least once a week for 2 weeks for no reason. It could be explained as stress, but that’s hard to except. That I was so stressed out that I threw up? That’s something new. I don’t like it. I know things are bad when my skin starts suffering. I have breakouts and dark spots and dullness. Things were to the point where I wouldn’t even wash my face or shower on a regular schedule. I used to have my weeks scheduled out, even my days, but that stopped working to make me want to do things. I just need to get it together. I just don’t know how. I feel lost and as if no one can help. The doctors have decided that I don’t need to change meds and that my dosage can’t be increased, which means it’s up to me. I have to find the strength to change and be better, do better. It’s easier said that done though.