Meditative Morning

I woke up this morning in a surprisingly relaxed mood. Just very chill. It was odd, but I woke up before sunrise, which I rarely ever do. Especially since I’ve been done with school. I mean, I’ve only been done with school for about two weeks or so. However, this is the first morning I’ve felt like this. I’m going back to my old morning routine I think. Which was coffee, podcasts, maybe a workout, and writing or reading. I’ve actually added crocheting to that, but I need to add some quiet time into my mornings. For the past year I’ve just woken up and put on YouTube and just be done with it. I need to be more mindful and meditative though. When I get anxious I have started being mindful of my breath and just turning everything off. No distractions, just me and my breath. It’s amazing what a few deep breaths can do.

It helps when I put my headphones in too. I think I’ll add a simple book into my morning routine, nothing too heavy. I think I’ll add Percy Jackson. I’ve read it before, but I think I want to do a reread. I think it will help me ease into my day without getting excited and just shoving me into a my day. I also need to add eating a normal breakfast into my morning. I just want to have a relaxing morning from now on.

I also want to start doing more blog posts about actual things not just posts about my mornings. I focus a lot on myself. Like an unhealthy amount. I think that’s why I get so anxious all the time, I’m just in my own head all the time, thinking about myself and what I’m doing wrong and just me me me. And here I am, just writing about myself. This is my blog though. So, it’s a fine line.

I’m going on vacation in a month in a half and I’m very excited. We’re going upstate and it will be very nice to get away.

It’s a little later in the day now, and my meditative morning has faded away. Now it’s filled with boredom and anxiety, fidgeting and lack of focus. I hate when this happens, I’ll have an okay morning, but then I realize how much of the day I have left and I start to panic. Like, what am I supposed to do all day? I mean, I have options, but when I sit down to do any of them I just get a wave of anxiety. Which then makes me not want to do anything. So, I’ll just sit and get stuck in my own head. I can’t stay like that though, if I start living in these feelings I’ll just spiral.

I think I have to work on chucks of my day. Like I’ll work on making my mornings smooth, then I’ll work on being less anxious and panicky in the afternoon, and so on. I just don’t know what to do any more. My boyfriend says it could be an identity crisis because I’m technically graduated. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like it.

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Back Again (Hopefully)

Okay, so, It’s been quite awhile, but I feel like I’m in a place to start blogging again. If you’ve been following me for some time you would know that I’ve been chasing my bachelors degree. Well I’m happy to say (finally) that, I AM GRADUATING!!!!! I found out about a week and a half ago. After 9 years, 3 schools, 2 hospitalizations, and may mental health road blocks, I’ve done it. It’s crazy. Like, how? Well, I know how. Hard work and determination. Persistence and tenacity. Many other attributes as well, but it’s a great feeling knowing that I’m done.

So, now I have all this free time. What am I supposed to do? Well, nothing for the most part. My mental health has been pretty good lately, but there’s still ups and downs, but they’re nothing I can’t handle. I’m free to do whatever I want. So, you may be asking, Amy, what are your plans? Well, I plan on reading A TON, I’ll post a picture of my TBR list later, writing as much as I can, catching up on some shows, and playing Mario. Honestly, I’m excited. I usually panic when I have all this free time, but I’ve reached my most pressing goal, so why not take some time to relax? That’s where blogging comes in, I’m going to try and blog as much as possible, brainstorm a bunch, and just grow.

By grow I mean personally, blog wise, and bookstagram wise. I don’t really have a goal as to how much I want to grow or at what pace, I just want to. I’ll take whatever I can get. I just hope I some of my stuff will resonate with someone. I’m going to do my best to get back to posting blogs on a regular basis, but don’t hold me to that. Come on, I just found out I’m graduating!

So, yeah, hopefully I can keep this up and you’ll be seeing and hearing more from me!

Books on Books

Hi Everyone!

So, I just wanted to update you on some changes. I know I haven’t been very active, but I’ve been having a massive lack of inspiration and time. I miss blogging and hope to get back into the swing of things soon. I’m finishing up my undergrad this summer, so I’ll have tons of free time after August.

The updates that I wanted to let you know about is that I’m going to be adding a bunch more book content. I’ve been obsessed with reading and buying books and I want to hold myself accountable to actually read them. I will still write about my mental health, but I’ve been working on that a lot and I’m not ready to talk about this new journey I’m on. So, books it is!

I’ll give a quick mental health update though. I’ve been having ups and downs, nothing new there. I haven’t added or subtracted any meds. I’m just trying to accept myself as I am. I’m working very hard and I’ll let you in the loop when I’m ready.

The first book I’ll be working on is The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen. One of my absolute FAVORITE books.

I hope you’re all doing well and I’ll speak with you soon!

YAS

So, as of Monday, I have officially reach ONE HUNDRED followers on my blog! I honestly can’t believe it. When I started this blog, with all the posts from my angsty 19 year old self to the posts about how my life is now. It truly has been a journey. I’m glad I made this blog and I started taking it seriously. I now have a whole timeline to see how far I’ve come. From when I was first diagnosed to 7 years later. Sometimes I read my old posts and I tear up because I remember how much pain I was in and how alone I had felt. I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it through, but this blog is here to prove to myself that I can grow, change, and learn. That I don’t have to let my circumstances beat me or force me to make certain decisions. The times when my condition ruled my life.

I have made so much progress and I am so ecstatic that I now have 100 people with me to see my journey. I can only hope that some of my posts have either inspired someone or made someone feel less alone. I never want anyone to feel the way I felt when I was 19. I want to be a beacon of hope, well in some sense anyway. I just want to thank you all for following me and believing in me. In the form of letting my posts grace your timelines. I am so lucky to have come this far. I remember in the winter posting about have 50 followers. Now I have 100 and it blows my mind. Meeting this mile stone has come at a time where I have begun to question myself. Questioning if I’m on the path I actually want to be on. If I’m happy with where I am. Deciding if it’s time to give up on an unspoken dream. This, to me anyway, is a sign that I’m on the right path and I shouldn’t give up.

Because there are 100 people who actually care about what I write. For thank I thank you. You all have a special place in my heart and my journey.

Do It For The Mems 2

Gentlemen of the Road!

This is a picture of the time my dad took me to a music festival. That’s right, my DAD. It was a festival hosted my Mumford and Sons and my favorite band was playing, Dawes. I bought two tickets, I didn’t even have anyone to go with! My dad stepped in and decided to come with me. The second day we spent on the beach at Seaside Heights, NJ. I don’t think I left our spot once that day. Then Mumford and Sons played for two hours, and it was honestly one of the best days of my life.

New York Heat

Okay, so I know it’s really hot other places, but the only heat I know really well, is the New York, Long Island heat. It’s making my crazy. Especially with COVID happening and I can’t get out and go somewhere and be in the air conditioning, I’m stuck in the heat. Right now I’m in my old room because it’s way too hot everywhere else and my boyfriend is sleeping in the air conditioning. So, I’m here where it’s cooler. The thing is though, that the heat can make me sick. It can give me migraines and make me feel like I’m going to throw up pretty much all day. No matter how much I hydrate, I feel sick. It’s the worst.

Today there’s going to be a high of 82. Now that may not sound bad compared to other places, but New York heat is that sticky, uncomfortable, just plain gross heat. I’m sticking to everything right now. My arms are sticking to my legs, my laptop is sticking to me, my legs are sticking to all the blankets. It’s not unbearable because I’m used to it. It’s just inconvenient.

I feel sick and it’s annoying because I never used to be like this. I used to take the heat in stride because I wasn’t blessed with having an air conditioner in my room. My room is on the same circuit as my parents so I could never have one. Once my brother moved out I could sleep in his old room if I wanted to sleep in the air conditioning. That wasn’t until I was in my 20’s though.

Okay, so my computer was about to die so I had to move back to the apartment. I’m really going to get my dose of the heat that I’m used to. I feel like I haven’t hydrated enough today. I know it’s only 10:40, but if I don’t start hydrating as soon as I wake up I’m done for. I’m going to take this opportunity to remind you to drink your water. Not only to stay hydrated, but it will help your body, and your skin will thank you. Trust me.

I’m not exactly sure where this post is going, but let’s just see where it takes us. I got another pair of shorts the other day and they have pockets! What a win. I’m out of hair ties though, so I’m going to have to go rummage in the depths of my hair drawer to find some. In the bathroom, where it’s also hot. My apartment is basically a sauna, unless I strategically place myself in front of a fan and a window and another fan. I also have to wear as few clothes as possible, so shorts and a tank top usually, and my hair has to be up. Because for goodness sake I need a haircut, very badly. Don’t get me wrong I love mt hair, but it’s thick and wavy and not summer friendly. Honestly, I’m ready to just chop it all off. I won’t, but it does need to be cut.

So, that’s how I’m feeling about the New York heat. I’ll be waking up my boyfriend soon because I need to be in the air conditioning.

Do It For the Mems pt 1

Since this mornings post was very heavy I thought I would put up a bonus post. I’m not sure what this series is going to be about, but I didn’t just want to have one post about making memories.

I have over 4,000 pictures on my icloud. They range from 2012 to now. So I really like to make memories and document special moments. Some people say to not take pictures and just live in the moment, I like to do both. I’ll take maybe on picture and then bask in the experience. A lot of times when I’m taking pictures of things or of other people I say “do it for the mems”. So, I think instead of doing throwbacks, I’ll post pictures of special times where I did things and took pictures for the “mems”.

Today’s picture is of when my boyfriend and I drove down to North Carolina to see his family. I have some amazing memories from that trip. I ended up having a pretty rough time emotionally because of my meds. The memories though, I’ll never forget. This was about 6 months after we started dating, we had spent a lot of time together, but this was special. It was our first long trip together, and I know there’s going to be many more. I miss being in North Carolina, so I’m sure he misses it even more than I do.

Bring Back the Routine

It’s Monday morning and I’m awake, I worked out and made coffee, now I’m writing this post. I’m trying to get back into some sort if routine to see if I can create some semblance of normalcy. I’m not sure if it will work, but I figured I would try. I feel pretty good right now. The morning is my quiet time. The only thing I can’t do is vacuum. Which is what I surprisingly want to do right now. Which is weird because i hate cleaning. I do it, but I loathe it. I suppose everyone does though.

It’s one of those days I’ll be working from the couch, which is what I’ve been doing lately. That’s not part of the routine, The routine is to sit at the table and listen to podcasts. Right now I’m sitting on the couch watching youtube. Total opposites. Regardless, I got the first part down, so that’s something. I’m not really tired, which is good. The anti-routine had me falling back asleep on the couch almost as soon as I was out in the living room. That’s how I know I’ exhausted though, I can sleep in the bed for 8-9 even 10 sometimes, and then I fall back asleep on the couch.

I really feel like I have nothing to write, but I want to post, writing is cathartic for me. I feel like with everything going on, whatever I write is trivial. It’ll be what it’ll be though. I really want to crawl back into bed, but I won’t. I’ll settle into the couch and just write. I miss seeing my best friend. This is the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other. I would love to add seeing her to my routine. Working out together would be great. I just want to get out of the house in general. I love my boyfriend more than anything, but sometimes you just need your best friend.

I need to add watching what I eat, portion control, and how many times I eat. This isn’t a restriction I put on myself, it’s doctors orders. I go through phases where I follow it and when I don’t. I can feel a difference what I do what he says, and when I just eat large portions, I eat like twice a day, and eat softer foods. I haven’t been following it and my stomach has been hurting and I’ve been super bloated. Which is not good. I need to focus on my overall health. Including my digestive health. So I need to add that to my routine, not just my morning, but my non existent daily routine.

I also need to stop wearing clothes with holes in them. That’s how much I don’t care. I constantly wear shirts with holes in the armpits or leggings with random holes in them, that I don’t even know how they got there. So, those are the two things I’ll add to my daily routine. I also miss wearing makeup, I could put it on for no reason, but I just don’t have the energy. I also have stress pimples, which is so much fun. I should add skincare to my morning routine. I cleanse my face, but that’s about it. I need to just add one thing at a time though. I can’t push my limits because then I’ll just stop the routine all together.

So, I’m going to try and get back into the groove of having a routine and add a few necessary extras. I’m going to go set my intention and choose my word of the week.

Sunday Rambles Pt 3

I’m going to try and keep this a bit more easy breezy, but I can’t make any promises. So, the first thing I woke up to was a half eaten, what I think was a bat, outside my bedroom door. We leave my cat outside in the living room and kitchen at night, sometimes he catches bats. All our windows are closed though, so i’m not entirely sure where he got the bat from, and that also begs the question, do cats eat bats? Anyway, we may have to get him his rabies shot, because I’m not sure if he has it or not. Hopefully he does, but I won’t know until my boyfriend wakes up.

I already drank my coffee and had a small snack, so today I’m not going to try and force myself to relax, but I still need time to process and grieve. I’m not sure how other people are feeling and no one is really asking me. I’m okay with that though. I don’t want people swarming me, the people that matter know how I’m feeling. Yesterday morning I was exhausted, mostly emotionally and mentally, but I felt it in my body too. I just wanted to sleep, which I did. I must have taken like 3 naps yesterday. I know I’ll be okay though.

There’s so may things I want to do, but I know the best thing for me to do is to rest. Sit with my feelings and let myself feel them, try and not distract myself too much. I haven’t been listening to any podcasts really, which makes me kind of sad. I love podcasts. I just feel like the TV is my comfort zone and like most people I don’t like to leave my comfort zone. Sometimes I feel like podcasts are out of my comfort zone, so I just don’t feel like podcasts are in that comfort zone. One of my posts this week is most likely going to be about circle of control and circle of concern. I’m not sure what day that’s going to go up, but I’m looking forward to that post. So look for that.

It’s starting to get really warm in New York, which means that the air conditioner in. I’m not crazy about that. When I was living in mt old room I wasn’t allowed to have one in my room, because it would have been on the same circuit as my parents and it would blow the fuse. So, I’m used to living in the heat, and I actually like it. Having all the windows open and having fans, it’s how I’m most comfortable in the summer. Now though, we have the animals and we need to have the air conditioner for them.

I’m anxious, but I think it’s because I’m hungry, so I should probably eat. We usually order breakfast, but I don’t know when he’ll be awake. He’s found a new hobby and he’s very excited and I’m excited for him. It makes me feel like I should find one, but then I realized, writing is my hobby. Right now this blog is my hobby. I don’t want to think of it as a hobby, but it’s not a job yet. I want it to be. Not like a full full time job, but just a full time job. Because I know that’s what I want to do, but I can’t put that time in right now. I own my own business, and that’s my true full time job. I wake up early to write these posts or I write them in bulk. There’s so many things I want to do with writing, but I can’t do that right this second. Maybe in a few weeks, but right now, writing is a hobby. I write all day. I have a jotterpad page open all day on here and I have so many journals filled with ideas. It’s just not the time, but I feel like at some point it will be. I’m pretty confident in that.

Since this is my Sunday Rambles post, I may just keep writing. I’ve decided that I’m going to start writing an intention for the week and making two goals for the week and choosing a word for the week and just keep that in mind. I’m not sure what this weeks word will be. I’m thinking maybe strength or rest or heal. My intention maybe something like, feel your feelings, sit with them and that it’s okay to be sad. I don’t really know. I’ll figure it out. I don’t usually do it until Sunday night.

My mom just made a smoothie and it was really good, so that might fill me up a little bit. I’m pretty awake now. For some reason coffee makes me more awake than any other type of energy drink. I actually feel pretty okay right now. I think I’ll go bask in it. Happy Sunday! I hope this wasn’t too much of a ramble fest.

It’s Okay to Feel Okay

So, it’s Saturday afternoon. I’m roasting coffee for an order, it’s very warm and muggy on Long Island, and the apartment is even hotter. I was in distress because when it gets hot I’m more prone to migraines, and just like everyone else feels, I get very uncomfortable in general. Well, I found a fan on the top shelf of our bathroom cabinets, my boyfriend got it down. I went out to drop off a delivery and as I was driving back I felt that tinge of pain that is the beginning of a migraine. When I got home, he had set up the fan in the kitchen and I remembered that I had a nice cold celsius energy drink in the fridge. So, I’m standing here, drinking my cold drink, with the fan aimed at my back and youtube videos on, and writing. I am a happy camper. I don’t know that last time I said that. I used to say it a lot for small things, like, if I got ice cream on a random day, I would be a happy camper. Anyway, I’m comfortable and I’m okay. I am okay. I’m not saying I’m fantastic or anything, I’m just okay or neutral. I don’t know how long this will last so I’m going to take advantage of it.

I always have a post planned or have a seed of an idea planted in my head, but right this second I don’t. I’m just going to free write a little bit. Like I said, I’m roasting right now. The beans smell amazing and look even better. I’m happy with my work. There’s another bean I’m having a bit of trouble with, but I have confidence I will figure it out. I’m part of this blogger group on facebook and I keep seeing people posting this or that about their blog. My post about comparison is live by now, so you may know that I’m having some issues with comparing myself to others right now. Also, I’m what I like to call a “lurker” on Facebook. I don’t post too often, I don’t comment or like, I just fly under the radar. To the point where people rarely say happy birthday to me on my birthday. So, here I am seeing all these veteran and emerging bloggers come together and what am I doing? Comparing myself. This person writes 1000 word posts, on that same post I was following about word counts someone wrote “20 percent more than your competition”. I was a bit taken aback. Are we in this group to compete with each other or help each other? Who am I competing against? The only person I can think of is myself. I mean, of course there’s other blogs that are advertising and getting monetized, but I’m not there yet. At this point in my blogging career the only person I’m trying to be better than, is myself.

I have to learn to set reasonable goals for myself. Maybe one post I had during the week reached 1000 words or so. Maybe the next week I’ll aim for two posts with that many words. I mean maybe pretty loosely. I know what I’m capable of and I know what a reasonable goal for myself is. Other people set their goals based on their lives. What their everyday life is like. For example, I love blogging, but I have other priorities. I have a small business to run, I have things to do for school, and most importantly my biggest priority is my mental health. Besides my relationships with people and my animals, my mental health needs to take priority. I don’t know what these other bloggers are going through, I don’t know what they do besides blogging. Just like social media, you only see what they want you to see. I feel like I’m pretty open about my mental health and how it affects me. I don’t go much further than that though, which is why I want to add in some lifestyle here and there. I want to show you more than just mental health, because while it may be my priority, it’s not all that I am. Most of my weekly posts are pre-written, because when I do feel okay or have a spark of inspiration during my down time I want to take advantage of it. Which is why my weekend posts are written day of, I want you to see what I did this week and read my rambles about what I want to get done. Anyway, I’m going to go take advantage of feeling okay and just lounge around the apartment.