Take Two

It’s the morning of January 2nd. I’m sitting on my uncomfortable couch with a giant mug of tea. Typing this to see if I can calm my anxiety a little bit. Yes, I’ve only been up for 45 minutes and my anxiety had already started. Don’t you hate that? There’s no sense of panic or dread, just little pangs of anxiety. I don’t want today to turn out like yesterday. Feeling horrible all day, being in a mood. Only worrying about myself and my feelings. It was not a good day.

I’m trying to find the little moments in life that make it better. One of them is not taking it for granted when your hot drink is at the perfect temperature. Which my tea is at right now. It’s hard to do though, because I’m always focusing on my symptoms and my internal feelings and monologue. Forgetting that there’s life outside of my mind. I can’t just sleep all day or lay in my bed all day, because that’s just giving me time to ruminate on my emotions. Well, the bad ones anyway.

Sometimes the anxiety is all consuming. Omg, I’m doing it in this post. I started being all like I want today to be better, but I’m starting to just fall into the anxiety hole. I do in fact want to be better all year, but I think I should just focus on being better today. I need to just deal with the emotions for what they are. I need to look into radical acceptance. I need to look into a lot of things. I want to learn more this year. So, I’m very excited for the semester to start, but it’s starting later than usual which is annoying. All my classes are online so I really need to hold myself accountable. Literally all I have to do is walk the 6 feel from my bed to my desk, heck I can even do it in my bed if I need to. So, I really have no excuses. I can even do it on my very uncomfortable couch. Which I’m hoping to get rid of at some point this year. I had my tea, but I’m still very tired and anxious, because tea is my morning anxiety band-aid.

I was never really a tea drinker, until I got my kettle for Christmas. I also, feel a migraine coming on, which is so much fun. I just want to crawl back in bed and go back to sleep, but that would be counter productive. So, I just turned the lights off, my computer brightness down and I just have to wait for my boyfriend to get up so I can find the migraine medication. Also, my cat is eating very loudly. I need to nip this migraine in the butt before it gets too bad. So, I’ll leave you here. If today is your take two of new years day, I wish you the best of luck.

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Saturdays are Boring (sometimes)

To say the least, today was boring. Nothing eventful happened, I pretty much sat around all day and did nothing. I mean, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s kind of odd for me. I wasn’t feeling well again, physically, my migraine has returned, no matter how much I drink I feel dehydrated, my head feels all fuzzy and cloudy. So, today was a good day to have nothing to do.

I did get my paycheck today though, I got paid on Thursday, my mom picked up my check yesterday, and I cashed it today. I should be happy, but I’m really not. I’m in a spending mood, and when I spend, I spend a lot. That’s me being slightly manic. My bipolar mind is telling me to spend allll the money, on alllll the things. What things? I have no idea, whatever it is, just buy it. I wish I wasn’t like that. One time when I was manic, I skipped class, went to the mall, and maxed out my credit card. Did I care? Not one bit. I wanted it, so I got it, that simple.

So, back to my boring day, it should have been relaxing. Like, nothing to do? Let me chill out. I am not good at relaxing. I’m in like this constant state of anxiety, on some level. no matter what, I’m anxious. This morning I was actually relaxed though, which is surprising because I get severe anxiety in the morning. Especially when I wake up too early, which was the case this morning. I’ve been up since 6. Luckily my dad got up at 7, so I was able to sit outside with him and read for a little while. It was beautiful out, I read some philosophy and we chatted, it was one of the nicest mornings I’ve had in a few weeks. Once it hit like 9:30 though, anxiety central. It was most likely do to that it was going to be super hot today, and as I’ve learned, I do not have a tolerance for the heat. There were errands I had to run, but I was afraid to go out and do them. I ended up going to the office with my mom,¬† my migraine got worse, as well as my anxiety. I finally was able to run my errands and by time I got back, my migraine was in full force, I couldn’t function, I wanted to cry.

I’ve been having a lot of physical ailments lately, not so much bipolar symptoms. Honestly, I’ll take it. Yeah, physical pain can get so intense, but people will sympathize. People won’t always understand or know exactly what to do when I bring up my bipolar symptoms as a reason for “not feeling well”, which is why I never say that’s why I’m not going somewhere or staying somewhere. It’s not easy carrying a single burden, mental or physical symptoms, but when you carry both, sometimes it’s too much. But, I’ll do what I always do, keep going.