Meditative Morning

I woke up this morning in a surprisingly relaxed mood. Just very chill. It was odd, but I woke up before sunrise, which I rarely ever do. Especially since I’ve been done with school. I mean, I’ve only been done with school for about two weeks or so. However, this is the first morning I’ve felt like this. I’m going back to my old morning routine I think. Which was coffee, podcasts, maybe a workout, and writing or reading. I’ve actually added crocheting to that, but I need to add some quiet time into my mornings. For the past year I’ve just woken up and put on YouTube and just be done with it. I need to be more mindful and meditative though. When I get anxious I have started being mindful of my breath and just turning everything off. No distractions, just me and my breath. It’s amazing what a few deep breaths can do.

It helps when I put my headphones in too. I think I’ll add a simple book into my morning routine, nothing too heavy. I think I’ll add Percy Jackson. I’ve read it before, but I think I want to do a reread. I think it will help me ease into my day without getting excited and just shoving me into a my day. I also need to add eating a normal breakfast into my morning. I just want to have a relaxing morning from now on.

I also want to start doing more blog posts about actual things not just posts about my mornings. I focus a lot on myself. Like an unhealthy amount. I think that’s why I get so anxious all the time, I’m just in my own head all the time, thinking about myself and what I’m doing wrong and just me me me. And here I am, just writing about myself. This is my blog though. So, it’s a fine line.

I’m going on vacation in a month in a half and I’m very excited. We’re going upstate and it will be very nice to get away.

It’s a little later in the day now, and my meditative morning has faded away. Now it’s filled with boredom and anxiety, fidgeting and lack of focus. I hate when this happens, I’ll have an okay morning, but then I realize how much of the day I have left and I start to panic. Like, what am I supposed to do all day? I mean, I have options, but when I sit down to do any of them I just get a wave of anxiety. Which then makes me not want to do anything. So, I’ll just sit and get stuck in my own head. I can’t stay like that though, if I start living in these feelings I’ll just spiral.

I think I have to work on chucks of my day. Like I’ll work on making my mornings smooth, then I’ll work on being less anxious and panicky in the afternoon, and so on. I just don’t know what to do any more. My boyfriend says it could be an identity crisis because I’m technically graduated. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like it.

Morning Anxiety, Still?

I woke up with so much anxiety this morning. I have been most mornings actually. I’m not sure why, but having anxiety as soon as I wake up is probably one of my least favorite things. Because I just want to enjoy my morning. Drink my coffee, watch some YouTube, crochet a little bit, maybe read. I feel like I can;t get any of those things done though because I’m consumed by anxiety. It’s not stress, because I’m done with school, which is usually the root of all my stress. It’s straight up anxiety. I have a scale 1-10, if my anxiety is at an 8, I take a xanax. If it’s below that, I try to use the tools in my tool box to try and bring down the anxiety.

I don’t have a lot of tools in my “tool box”, as you think I might seeing as I’ve been dealing with my mental heath pretty much my entire life. I just don’t know what you would consider a tool. I just try to practice mindfulness, which I’m not very good at. I try distraction, which usually is the winner, but it has to be the right distraction. Makeup videos? Nope, they usually just make it worse. I usually just end up scrolling through social media looking for funny videos. I might put on some video game channels (yes, I watch people play video games to calm down) or my favorite distraction is watching channels about books. Reading does help, but when I’m anxious anything that gets my blood pumping just fuels my anxiety. So, I have to read a compelling, but not super action packed books. Same thing goes for TV shows or movies.

I don’t wake up exhausted or anything, I just wake up with my mind racing and panic in my chest. It takes a few minutes to sink in, but after I’ve wiped the sleep from my eyes it truly sets in. It’s very annoying. It’s just persistent anxiety. Writing does help though. Sometimes I’ll pick up my cat or force my dog to come sit with me while she’s still half asleep. I’m just so on edge for no reason. I keep hearing things as assigning problematic things to them. The garbage men coming to pick up the garage are actually trying to break into my house. I mean, I suppose that’s anxiety sprinkled with paranoia. The worst though is that we have some gnats in my apartment and I constantly feel like they’re crawling on me. That is just very uncomfortable. It usually just ends up being a stray hair. Because I have so much of it I’m constantly shedding.

I suppose I could turn my anxiety into something productive, but that’s a slippery slope because it’s possible that it will trigger mania. I’ve also been having trouble eating, like I want to eat, but I’m not really hungry. I saw a dietitian and she has me on a diet, it’s not a strict diet, but I’m having trouble reaching my calorie count every day. Because I need high calorie, but low carb, and I’m just not getting the hang of it. It’s very frustrating. So, I suppose I’m anxious about reaching my calorie count being in the correct range.

So, bottom line, morning anxiety is annoying and disruptive.

Back Again (Hopefully)

Okay, so, It’s been quite awhile, but I feel like I’m in a place to start blogging again. If you’ve been following me for some time you would know that I’ve been chasing my bachelors degree. Well I’m happy to say (finally) that, I AM GRADUATING!!!!! I found out about a week and a half ago. After 9 years, 3 schools, 2 hospitalizations, and may mental health road blocks, I’ve done it. It’s crazy. Like, how? Well, I know how. Hard work and determination. Persistence and tenacity. Many other attributes as well, but it’s a great feeling knowing that I’m done.

So, now I have all this free time. What am I supposed to do? Well, nothing for the most part. My mental health has been pretty good lately, but there’s still ups and downs, but they’re nothing I can’t handle. I’m free to do whatever I want. So, you may be asking, Amy, what are your plans? Well, I plan on reading A TON, I’ll post a picture of my TBR list later, writing as much as I can, catching up on some shows, and playing Mario. Honestly, I’m excited. I usually panic when I have all this free time, but I’ve reached my most pressing goal, so why not take some time to relax? That’s where blogging comes in, I’m going to try and blog as much as possible, brainstorm a bunch, and just grow.

By grow I mean personally, blog wise, and bookstagram wise. I don’t really have a goal as to how much I want to grow or at what pace, I just want to. I’ll take whatever I can get. I just hope I some of my stuff will resonate with someone. I’m going to do my best to get back to posting blogs on a regular basis, but don’t hold me to that. Come on, I just found out I’m graduating!

So, yeah, hopefully I can keep this up and you’ll be seeing and hearing more from me!

Panic, mania, anxiety, Oh My!

If any phrase could sum up my day it would be this. I spent the day battling anxiety, followed by mania, and finally a sense of panic. Followed by more anxiety. Also, stress on stress on stress. Most of the things I’m stressed about I have no control over, so it’s hard to deal with. Like fighting something that isn’t there. Eventually you have to give in and try and figure out why you’re fighting so hard. Usually because the answer is something you don’t want to hear. For me, it’s being told that all the things I’m stressing about, are out of my control. There is not one thing I can do except wait on other people and in one case trust my doctors and my body.

The mania was not fun, my mind started racing and I couldn’t stop the intrusive thought cycle. I was restless, you know the usual. Finally I’m feeling a bit better. I had some herbal tea, put on a podcast and of course xanax. Part of my issue is that I feel this constant need to do something. Like, I have so many books to read and shows I want to watch, that I don’t even know where to start. So, I panic about that. Literally the thing that matters the least. I get anxious about things that most people find relaxing. Probably because I’m horrible and even avoid making choices. As if I can make a wrong choice starting a book or a show and deciding that I don’t like it. If I don’t like it, then I have permission to stop. It’s as if I need to give myself permission to do things that other people just do, without thinking. I need to basically make a pro and con list about everything, then I like throw that pro and con list in the fire and watch makeup videos on YouTube. How is that a healthy cycle?

It’s not. A lot of the things I do are not healthy, as in mentally healthy. Also, I miss gluten. That has nothing to do with any of this, but watching people eat things my body rejects makes me feel pretty bad. My anxiety is back to being overwhelming. You know what I’m going to do? Probably Youtube, because I’m not very good at changing my habits or even truly recognizing that they’ve gotten to an unhealthy point. Which I feel like my YT watching has gotten to. I have a podcast on now, because that’s part of the things I want to do more of this year. I just need to be able to identify the unhealthy habit, figure out how to change it, then slowly implement those changes. I need to push past the anxiety in these situations, because the anxiety is uncomfortable, but keeping up with the habit will just make it worse. It doesn’t help how bored I am. I also can’t focus and a whole bunch of things just weigh me down.

The anxiety is so bad. I’m at a loss for words to explain why it’s so intense. I feel like crying, my chest is tight, every movement feels like I’m moving a mountain. I’m at a loss for what to do, I can’t focus. I try counting my breaths and doing breathing exercises, but nothing is making it better. My bf asks me what’s wrong and I can’t tell him because I don’t know. My mind is a jumbled mess. I just want to rock back and forth or bounce my leg. I’ve been trying to keep that under control. I know the possible solution to all of this could be mindfulness, but it’s not easy. I have all the help I need at my finger tips, I just don’t know how to use it.

New Year, New Me?

Nah. I’m not about that. I’m not even that into new years resolutions. So, here I am on January 1st, 2021. It sounds crazy to say. Some how I made it through 2020. And all I can ask myself is, How? Like, gurl, how the hell did you do that? I should be proud of myself. It’s hard to appreciate how far I had to come to make it through 2020, when all I can think about are the mood swings that were and those that are to come. Right this second, I’m in an irritable, angry mood. For no other reason other than, I just am. It’s hard to accept that fact, that a lot of times, I just am feeling a a feeling and I need to let it be what it is. Not look too closely at it. If it’s an intrusive thought, accept it and put it on the shelf.

So, are there things I want to accomplish in 2021? Of course. I made a list of more things I want to do, and less things I want to do. Some of them are basic, like don’t eat gluten. Other ones are a lot harder, like don’t stream too much, don’t intake as much social media. I want to read more, but right now it seems that I don’t have the focus for one book. Earlier in 2020 I attempted to put a “one book” rule in place. In which I could only read one book at a time. Then once I finished that book, I could move onto the next. The thing is, my bipolar brain doesn’t work like that.

My bipolar brain needs just the right amount of stimulation. Too much, I get over whelmed and anxious. When there’s a lack of stimulation, like there has been this year, I get manic. I can never seem to find that balance though. Which, means I’m almost always symptomatic. So, i would like to control that in 2021. I know that’s kind of a doozy of a goal, because it’s impossible to control something you don’t fully understand.

I’ve been anxious all day, it’s like a new year hasn’t even started. I’ve been rocking more, I’ve been cocooning in blankets more. It’s a bit reminiscent of my hiding in the closet days. I would curl up and sleep on the floor of my mini walk in closet. So, I’m not sure if it’s the best thing to do. I don’t know. I need something, but I’m not sure what it is exactly. I just know “New Year, New Me” will not solve any of my problems. I’m just so tired all the time and my doctor thinks it’s because of all the meds I’m on. A lot of them have side effects of lethargy. I just don’t want to feel so lost this year. I want to find a way to be more grounded. So, cheers to the new year, may yours be filled with health and happiness, and here’s to hopefully more blog posts coming from me.

Drafts 

in case anyone was wondering I have 42 blog post drafts saved. That’s right forty-two. If that doesn’t help describe me I’m not sure whay does. I’m scatterbrained, I can’t make decisions, I’m self conscious, I’m a lot of things. Part of it is my bipolar and part of it is the effect the disorder has had on me. I get stressed easily and lately it’s been worse then it has been. I have a very big decision to make soon and I honestly have no idea what I’m going to do when the time comes. For the situation I’m in, there really is a wrong decision, it’s just that one may be better than another, but it’s not wrong. Things haven’t been easy and I feel like everything is amplified. I’ve pretty much been on an emotional rollercoaster these past few months and it is exhausting. 

Being emotionally exhausted is one of the worst things in my opinion. I dont want to move. I don’t want to get out of bed. It’s like all the joy has been robbed from me. It’s not enough to be classified as depression, but it’s still horrible. This decision that is looming over my head is killing me. It’s a waiting game right now and it’s the worst. It’s like I’ve been stuck in a waiting game since the pandemic started. I’ve just been so anxious. It’s like I habe 42 drafts in my mind and none of them are finished and none of them seem good enough to post. 

I’ve been on a constant hunt for comfort. Like yes, I have my people, but I can’t be with them or talk to them every waking hour. I need to find comfort in something. I started reading Harry Potter, but I need to save those books for something else that’s upcoming. So I started The Hobbit again. So I’ll see how that goes. I have Percy Jackson on deck in case I find that it doesn’t help. I’m also costantly looking at lists to find ideas for how to handle the anxiety. Because it’s just generalized anxiety, because I can’t pin point one exact thing that is making me anxious. There’s so much going on. There’s so much stress, everyone keeps telling me it’s justified and tells me that it’ll work out. It doesn’t feel like it though. It feels like it’s just impending doom. I mean,after my decision is made in about 6 to 8 weeks, things will likely lighten up. I’ve been trying to look forward to the holidays, but they’re happening after all if this. I just know they’re not going to be the same. I already made the decision that I won’t be spending Thanksgiving with my whole family which makes me sad, but it’s what will make me feel most comfortable. So there’s that. Its like the virus has crushed dreams that I haven’t even had yet. When the world is in the state that it’s in, it’s hard to latch onto a dream. It’s not easy to live in the climate we’re in now. Including the political climate, which I will not get into here. The world is a mess though. It’s like everyone has 42 drafts and they’re trying to figure out what to do with them. 

I know there’s hope in the world and that eventually things will get better and we’ll come out on the other side of this stronger and better people. It really doesn’t seem like it. And I sure as hell don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel yet, but it’ll be there eventually. 

Long time no type

So, it’s been quite awhile and some things have happened. Hopefully I can remember it all, because things happen and I want to blog about them, but when I sit down to write I forget all the things I want to write.

Let’s see, where to begin. Maybe I’ll work backwards from now until Taylor Swifts latest album release. I’ve been going through all the emotions. Mostly anxiety, constant, persistent, sometimes crippling, anxiety. I kind of feel like my new medication has sucked some of my creativity out of me. I don’t have any inspiration. Any time I think about writing I just find it uninteresting. I love writing. So, I guess I have to decide if that’s a trade off I’m willing to work with. I feel pretty good on it, but things just don’t feel interesting. Nothing sounds, good or fun. It’s just kind of meh. I’m not sure if there’s a solution to that. I mean, there probably is, I just haven’t found it yet. I’ve only been on the medication for about a month, but it was supposed to start working right away. If there’s a task I actually need to do or want to do, I can do it without an issue, but for now I have to deal with the lack of inspiration and need to be creative. Which is very frustrating. I figure writing a blog post would be the easiest to write because I can take a topic and write about it. When I write fiction the ideas have to flow from inside of me. And that just isn’t happening. I’m going to start trying to write more.

My school situation is weird for me this semester. I’m taking two zero credit classes, so I don’t actually have any work to do. I was actually looking forward to school because I wanted some sort of structure, but that went out the window. I’m not good at sticking to routines. I don’t like that, that’s how I am, but I’m not good a sticking with things in general. Working out, writing, reading, any type of craft project. I know that’s a habit I can change, but I don’t know how. Especially because my moods are so erratic. I’ll wake up one morning and be fine, but my mood will decline. I get burnt out pretty easily and discouraged. I was hoping that this medication would help, but so far it hasn’t.

The thing is that, life can be unpredictable. Like, my birthday was about two weeks ago and that didn’t go as planned. I got a belly button infection. I choked on a bagel and my boyfriend had to give me the Heimlich, which caused me that have rib and back pain. So, there really isn’t much I can do. Also, my dog had to have surgery yesterday which was nerve wracking (She is home now, everything went amazing and she’s resting comfortably). All in all I’m just in physical discomfort and that usually has an effect on my mood. I’m only comfortable if I sit in certain positions because of my ribs.

I know I should try and think positively, but at this point I’ve accepted that I’m mostly a pessimist. I worry and panic easily, I always think about the worst thing that could happen first, and I’m usually the first to jump to conclusions. I haven’t really been enjoying any shows or books or anything really so I don’t have any thing to recommend. Also, the business is being slow because of the pandemic. So, if someone were to ask me how I was handling the pandemic, I would answer, not well. I’m doing the best I can, well I think so anyway. I feel like I can be productive today, but we’ll see. Fingers crossed that I’ll have enough energy or general will power to update tomorrow.

New York Heat

Okay, so I know it’s really hot other places, but the only heat I know really well, is the New York, Long Island heat. It’s making my crazy. Especially with COVID happening and I can’t get out and go somewhere and be in the air conditioning, I’m stuck in the heat. Right now I’m in my old room because it’s way too hot everywhere else and my boyfriend is sleeping in the air conditioning. So, I’m here where it’s cooler. The thing is though, that the heat can make me sick. It can give me migraines and make me feel like I’m going to throw up pretty much all day. No matter how much I hydrate, I feel sick. It’s the worst.

Today there’s going to be a high of 82. Now that may not sound bad compared to other places, but New York heat is that sticky, uncomfortable, just plain gross heat. I’m sticking to everything right now. My arms are sticking to my legs, my laptop is sticking to me, my legs are sticking to all the blankets. It’s not unbearable because I’m used to it. It’s just inconvenient.

I feel sick and it’s annoying because I never used to be like this. I used to take the heat in stride because I wasn’t blessed with having an air conditioner in my room. My room is on the same circuit as my parents so I could never have one. Once my brother moved out I could sleep in his old room if I wanted to sleep in the air conditioning. That wasn’t until I was in my 20’s though.

Okay, so my computer was about to die so I had to move back to the apartment. I’m really going to get my dose of the heat that I’m used to. I feel like I haven’t hydrated enough today. I know it’s only 10:40, but if I don’t start hydrating as soon as I wake up I’m done for. I’m going to take this opportunity to remind you to drink your water. Not only to stay hydrated, but it will help your body, and your skin will thank you. Trust me.

I’m not exactly sure where this post is going, but let’s just see where it takes us. I got another pair of shorts the other day and they have pockets! What a win. I’m out of hair ties though, so I’m going to have to go rummage in the depths of my hair drawer to find some. In the bathroom, where it’s also hot. My apartment is basically a sauna, unless I strategically place myself in front of a fan and a window and another fan. I also have to wear as few clothes as possible, so shorts and a tank top usually, and my hair has to be up. Because for goodness sake I need a haircut, very badly. Don’t get me wrong I love mt hair, but it’s thick and wavy and not summer friendly. Honestly, I’m ready to just chop it all off. I won’t, but it does need to be cut.

So, that’s how I’m feeling about the New York heat. I’ll be waking up my boyfriend soon because I need to be in the air conditioning.

There’s Something to Tell

As you all know I’m pretty open about my treatment and my Bipolar I diagnosis. I don’t always go into the exact medications I take. I also speak openly about my issues with migraines and how I’ve attempted to treat them and I think I should tell you about what I found that works for my migraines. Disclaimer: Let me make this clear, I do not use this migraine treatment as a treatment for Bipolar or anxiety, that is extremely important to keep in mind.

Okay, so at the end of September I was prescribed medical marijuana for my chronic migraines. I live in New York where medical use is allowed, but only medical. I didn’t go to get this because I thought it would be cool to have access to marijuana whenever I wanted. I got it because I felt like I was out of options. My neurologist didn’t want to put me on another medication since I was already on so many for my Bipolar. We tried gammacore twice, if you want me to go more into that let me know and I can write a post about my experience. The migraines had become debilitating. I would get one and I could not do anything, I’d be stuck in bed in the dark. It had kept me from going to class or going to other doctors appointments. So, we decided to go an alternate route.

In my state everything related the medical marijuana is regulated. I had to get approved by a doctor then I had to go through a whole process to get the actual product. The dispensaries are no where near my house. So I had to drive 35 minutes to an hour depending on which one I went to. Then I had to fill out a lot of forms, even though I had already been prescribed it. Then the product is not what you would expect. It is considered a medication so it has to be heavily regulated. There are several types of ways it comes, none of which is the actual weed itself. It comes in a tincture, a solution, lozenges, and a few other ways, but those are the only ways it comes because there is no recreational use. If you go to a state where it is recreational you can get edibles, like chocolate or gummies.

My preferred way is a tincture. Which is then cut with CBD and diluted. So it doesn’t really get me high at the dosage I take. It doesn’t even matter because I’ve only taken small amounts to prevent or treat the migraines and it has helped.

Anyway, this is probably the only time I will mention this on my page, but I thought you should all know.

Full Capacity

I’m having one of those days where I feel like i’m not operating at full human capacity. I feel all fuzzy and I’m not with it at all. I’m also very off balance. I’ve tried all the things I do for when I don’t feel like I’m operating at full capacity. Coffee, meds, shower, the usual. None of it helped. I feel like I’m at half capacity right now. The thing is though, do I even know what it’s like to operate at full capacity? What does my full capacity even look like? These are the hard hitting questions I’m asking myself so far today.

I mean I guess for me operating at full capacity is not feeling too, too anxious. Feeling like I’m productive and that I have energy for the day ahead. My morning routine actually happens, I’m not lazy. The thing is though, some days that’s not what my full capacity looks like. I would love if I could do and feel like that everyday. That’s my fantasy self. So, if that’s my fantasy full capacity, what is my actual full capacity? I suppose full capacity depends on the day, it could be any day where I feel like I have my life together after just 1 cup of coffee. It could be a day where all I do is get out of bed and shower. That could be considered full capacity for that day, because mentally and physically that’s all I could do.

The thing is though, that everyday I strive for the fantasy full capacity, but the more I strive for it and don’t get it done, I automatically feel like my full capacity will not be reached that day. I can’t strive for the impossible, I can’t constantly aim to be and act like my fantasy self. Because running at full capacity, means so many different things. The thing is though, if I keep trying to reach this version of myself that I’ve put up on a pedestal, and there’s no way for me to reach that self. Because she’s just things that I’ll never be able to be. She doesn’t deal with the constant mood swings that are my everyday life. She runs at full capacity everyday, she gets everything done without struggles and nothing seems too far out of reach. That is not an achievable goal, I don’t know how to reach that part of myself that I’ve put so high up.

Anyway, that was a tangent. Today I am not at full capacity and I’m not sure what to do. Like I said, I’ve done most of the things, but I didn’t exercise. Because as soon as my body feels that it’s not a full capacity day, it automatically messes up my balance and equilibrium. So all of me just feels off. I have to find a way to push through, because one of my two pairs of shorts is dirty, which means it’s a laundry day. If I can get the energy to get up and do it. i may just end up sitting on that couch all day, because that may be the full capacity for today.

I’m not sure what the rest of today holds and I may do a weekly wrap-up for later today, but I can’t make any promises.