The Other Day

I saw this:

And this really got to me. I’m not close with the person who posted this nor do I know their history of mental illness. I still saw it though, luckily it didn’t trigger me. 18 months ago, it would have. I’ve been hospitalized twice, once because I went off my meds and was deemed a danger to other people, the other I was so depressed I was a danger to myself. Both times it was done by one of my doctors. I’m so grateful and lucky to have the doctors I have, not only do they work with me, but they work together as well.

Anyway, seeing this made me think that you don’t really know anything about anyone on social media. I didn’t know this person had mental illness and this person didn’t know I had a history. I don’t want to say that it was inconsiderate, but I do feel like it was in bad taste. That’s just me though. Hospitals are supposed to be a place where you feel safe, you go because you need to. I don’t want people to feel like they shouldn’t have to talk about something because they’re afraid of the hospital. That’s how people feel though, I think. I have an emergency plan, I was by myself last week and I felt a manic episode and in my head I thought, if this gets out of hand, I have to know it’s okay to go to the hospital. I need to be safe. Thankfully it didn’t come to that, but it is part of my emergency plan. I’ve been triggered by things I’ve seen on social media before, so I was afraid that it would happen after I saw this, I got upset, it texted my best friend, and I dealt with it. No triggers.

Sorry for this rant.

-A

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The Anxiety is Mounting

I started school last week and I have been getting anxious ever since. Being bipolar I’m in constant fear of episodes, because when I have an episode it usually gets pretty bad. The lows are very low and the highs..well they’re amazing for a little while. I have an episode every semester. Last fall was mania, this past spring was depression, and I was coming down from a manic episode when the semester started. So of course I’m worried about being triggered. Right now though, my anxiety is getting worse, I’ve taken my anxiety meds, I’ve been taking deep breaths, and I put on one of my favorite podcasts to take my mind off of it, that usually does the trick. This time though, I’m stressed about school and how I have to catch up on the news for one of my classes. All the reading that has to be done, the papers that will be due, just everything, it’s weighing on my mind. I see my therapist tomorrow, which is good. I’m going to stick to my routine and hope things get better from here. Maybe I’ll take a break from the news for a little while.

Everyday

I’m going to try and post a little something everyday. Just to kind of get my feet wet with this whole blogging thing. I’m new to it, I just wanted somewhere I could write, publicly. I’ve always had a knack for writing, so I figured I’d give this a try. So I don’t know what y posts will be, but I’ll figure it out along the way.

The Beginning.

Preface: I started this blog when I was a naive 19 year old. I thought I knew everything back then, I’ve lived, what feels like a lifetime, since then. So I’m going to leave all my previous posts up here. Don’t let my 19 year old self blind you from what I post from now on. They’re part of my past, I’ll get to the history of some of them eventually.

The (New) Beginning:

As I stated above I started this blog when I was 19, back then I didn’t know what to use it for, I think I just liked the idea. I’m 23 now and it feels like I’ve changed so much from the days when I was writing those posts. I wanted to tell my story, but back then I didn’t have much of a story. I thought I did, but I was a bit overzealous back then. Now I’m really going to get into my story.

If you know me, you know I’m a pretty private person. What you think you know about me may not be accurate. If you don’t know me, I am a private person, I don’t advertise my personal life. I always felt like my life was between myself and those who I chose to share it with. If you met me between the ages of 18 and 21, that’s not who I am anymore. The details I offered back then were trivial, it may not have seemed that way, but it’s true. I hope I can shed some light on what was happening behind closed doors from when I was 18 up until now.

When I was 18 I was carefree. I don’t know if I would say I was wild, but definately carefree. I did whatever I wanted when ever I wanted. I was playing division III college field hockey at Manhattanville college. I was partying on the weekends and smoking weed whenever I could. Yes, it was fun, but I’m not going to lie, I didn’t feel like I truly fit in. After that school year ended it was 2013, I got a job at a local coffee shop and I started to feel like I fit in somewhere for once, I was there from May until August, when I went back up to school for preseason. A few days in I started having chest pain, I tried allergy medication, but that wasn’t helpful, I was having trouble breathing. So I thought it might be asthma, so I went into the walk in clinic, and had a panic attack on the spot. They ran test after test and none of them showed anything. Eventually they perscriped me ativan for the anxiety. A few days later I was home to see my family doctor, she gave me a muscle relaxant, which did nothing, except ruin my 19th birthday. At the end of all this between my parents, my doctors, and myself, we decided it would be best for me to stay home, for what was supposed to be a semester, but turned into me never going back. That’s when the real fun started.

My 19th year, that was an eye opening year. I had signed up for classes at the community college near me, but I wouldn’t get out if bed to go to them. I didn’t think much of it, but in October I was diagnosed with depression. Something that I never thought would happen to me, I was shocked, but things got better with medication, I was actually going to class and getting good grades. Then things got worse. I started seeing a new psychiatrist. He had come highly recommended. In April of my 19th year I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder. That’s where my story begins.