Good Vibes Only

I’m going to the Great South Bay Music Festival tonight! With my best friend. Sublime is playing at 8:15, which is super exciting. Their song Santeria has a special place in my heart. You know those songs that you hear and they bring you right back to a specific moment in time? That’s what that song is for me. It reminds me of my 21st birthday, before bipolar had torn me apart, and way before I was able to put myself back together again.

Anyway, I forgot to take my abilify this morning (sorry, mom), I’ll be picking it up from the pharmacy at 4:30 and taking it right before I go to the festival. I actually feel okay, usually if I don’t take my meds I can feel it right away. Surprisingly though, I feel pretty good, I’ve been having a pretty good day. I was anxious for a few minutes, and cried for 2 of those minutes. I feel fine now though. I’m hoping that taking it won’t kill my vibe today. Like I know I can’t just stop taking my meds. I’ve been down that road before, but maybe, just maybe, I can lower my dosage, which would be amazing. I’m so tired of being on the highest dosage of all my meds, it makes me feel like I’m so broken.

I have a weird relationship with medication. I refused to take it consistently for a long time. Which is what landed me in the hospital the first time, then my antidepressant stopped working, which brought on the second hospitalization. I’m so much on meds to the point where, when I go see my psychiatrist, I just catch him up on my feelings and symptoms, he puts in my refills, and I’m on my way. He doesn’t want to put me on any more meds, and we don’t have any wiggle room. I’m afraid to adjust them too, because I’m the most stable I’ve been in a very long time. It’s not like I’m just going to stop taking meds, unacceptable, that’s what I tell myself. Like I said, usually if I don’t take them I feel it right away. If I forget night meds, the whole next day is shot. If I forget morning meds, I just feel all floaty and outside of my body, my head swims. Not today though, today is good vibes only.

The question is though, if I start feeling bad after I take the meds, is it me feeling like I should be feeling worse because I took the meds? Or is it that the meds are actually making me feel that way? I overthink about everything, so the world may never know.

I’ll keep you updated. Who can say on site music festival post? That’ll mostly just be picturessss. Yes!

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