Self Control And Anxiety

I have a feeling that we all have issues with self-control, I know I do. It causes a lot of issues for me. I find it very difficult to have self-control when my anxiety is at a 7. I’ll do anything to feel better to get the anxiety to stop, so self-control really goes out the window. I’ll eat or I’ll cry or I’ll binge watch youtube. There are things that I need to be doing for self care that involve self-control. Also, my routine. We all know the push and pull I have with my routine. One day I’ll have it down and I’ll feel good for a little while. Another day I’ll just throw caution to the window and just not do any part of a routine. It fully is a struggle. So, my anxiety and my self-control go hand in hand.

I’m not sure if anyone else feels this way. When I’m less anxious my self-control is pretty solid. I don’t overeat because I don’t eat much to begin with, but I still eat more than usual. I have digestive issues so eating more than what the doctor said is not good. I know my self-control has gone out the window when I stop listening to my doctors. When I let go of my coping skills or just ignore them and not use them. I can’t let my anxiety control me though. I can’t let my self-control go out the window just because I’m anxious. I’m more anxious these days. I’m not sure if I wrote this but my psychiatrist told me that since most of my anxiety is caused by grief the most I can do is use my coping skills, take anti-anxiety meds if I need them and give myself time. To me, taking time gets boring after awhile, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still need it. So, giving myself time is part of self-control, I need to control myself that I’m not doing too much because I’m bored, because time is not something you can control. I don’t know how much time I’m going to need, but I’m going to need self-control to keep myself in check.

I also need to stop binge watching YouTube because it doesn’t help anything. I need to stop sometimes and listen to a podcast or something. My boyfriend is also here to keep my in check, but he shouldn’t have to do that. I should be able to do that. Those times he has to keep me in check and bring me back to reality have become lessened over the past month or so. To me that seems like progress. That I have enough self-control to take into account what he says and take it into account and put it into effect.

Self-control comes in many forms. It could be me having the self-control to let my anxiety be and relax even though I’m bored. It could be trying to keep on my routine. It’s really in everything I do.

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Coffee Chat, Kind Of

Happy Fri-yay! I’m sitting here drinking my coffee, todays drink of choice is a redeye (a regular coffee with a shot of espresso) made with my company’s coffee. The coffee is an Indonesian and the espresso is an Ethiopian. Also, in case you were wondering I do drink my coffee with creamer. I know, I own a coffee business I should be drinking my coffee black, but I just prefer it with creamer. Now that my daily coffee of choice is out of the way. I’m writing this on Tuesday morning, I told myself I wouldn’t write today, that I would give myself a break, but here I am. I told myself I have posts ready to go until Thursday, so there was no need to worry about blogging today. I just have some thoughts though, so I figured I would write them down.

As I sit here I’m very hungry, but I’m weird in the way that I don’t like to eat and drink coffee at the same time. In my newly formed morning routine though coffee comes before food. I’m not entirely sure why I did it that way. I’m not as exhausted as I felt yesterday (Monday). At least not yet. I have therapy today, I’m going to talk about my go hard or go home attitude when it comes to making routines or setting goals.

Okay, I’m back with another cup of coffee. I like to listen to podcasts in the morning, so, I like to sit at my kitchen table, drink my coffee, and do whatever I feel like I need to do. I’ve been up since 6:20 and I’ve just been feeling lazy. I just feel like there’s so much to do this morning. I have this laundry list of things I feel like I have to complete, but they should just be things I would like to complete. I don’t want to put the pressure on myself, because what I have to do really revolves around blogging. I have some projects and in regards to this blog, it will happen with time and hard work, I also need to do work in regards to my business blog. Even though that blog will only go up once a week I want to have those posts prepared about five days in advance Mostly so my boyfriend can edit it. I’ll probably just spend the day researching and planning.

I started this book yesterday called Be Mighty by Jill A. Stoddard. It has to do with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Honestly, I’m only on chapter two, but I’m so glad I found this book. You know when books have those “exercises” within these self-improvement books? Well if you’re like me you usually skip over them and just keep reading, but I’m not doing that this time. I’m actually doing the exercises and I really feel like I’m going to get a lot out of this book. I’m very excited to see where it takes me. I already have my next book I’m going to read and I’m excited about that one too. For pleasure reading, I’m reading The Iliad and The Odyessy. I love Greek mythology. Just a little fact about me.

So, if you’re looking for a coffee recommendation or a book recommendation, I highly recommend what I wrote about today. Have a great day!

Sunday Rambles

Yesterday, I went on the hunt for a fall candle. A candle that would, to me anyway, embody what I feel fall would smell like. The thing is, candles are expensive. Especially name brand candles. I ended up at TJ Maxx, and there I found the perfect fall candle. It’s purple and called wizards magic. Now, I LOVE Harry Potter, when I say love, I mean obsessed, also, purple is my favorite color, so it was meant to be. It was also only $7, which is a steal. Because the other candles that I got, are mini’s of Yankee Candle’s Autumn scent, because they were $2 each, meanwhile, the next size up was $16. So, I said nope to that. And I ended up with the wizards magic candle.

Now, you’re probably wondering why I just went on a rant about candles. I’ve been LOVING candles lately. They seem to calm me. Which made me realize that sometimes it’s the small things that make us happy. For example, me yesterday, finding the perfect candle at a reasonable price. Yet, that happiness didn’t last, yesterday ended up being a super weird day. I’m not sure how to explain it, it’s like, everything seems odd, or everything is off. I tried explaining it to my parents and they looked at me like I was crazy. So, I’m hoping someone here will understand.

So, even while the little things make me happy, I find that just like all my good moods, it’s fleeting. I never stay feeling “good” for long. I’m usually anxiety ridden, panic stricken, and just down. Which has made me realize that I have the bask in the small moments of extreme happiness, especially when a little, random thing makes me smile. I haven’t been having as many mood swings, but I am cycling between being neutral and being down. I’ve been having breakthrough symptoms of depression, like physically, but I don’t feel depressed. So, I’ve been struggling with that.

I just want to be happy, I know, it seems like a simple thing, but  it’s something that some people won’t entirely understand. Instead of me saying I don’t feel well anymore, I’ve been saying that I’m having “mood disorder complications”, which is true. When I don’t feel well, it usually has to do with my mood, and sometimes it’s organic, and there is literally nothing I can do about it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, bask in the small things. Smell ALL the candles, and just take some time for yourself, even if it’s just a few minutes and you just take a few deep breaths, you have to do what’s best for you. For me, it’s going and just smelling candles or roaming around barnes and noble, or scrolling through the sephora or ulta app. Also, update, I already put instgram back on my phone. So, my social media detox will have to wait.

Find something small that makes you happy, and just go with it. Which I guess, is self care. I’m going to admit that I’m not the best at self care, I love the idea of it, I try to practice it, but I just can’t seem to stick to anything. So, for now, I’ll stick to smelling candles.

Let the creativity flow a little bit, girl

I haven’t been feeling very creative lately. So I haven’t posted anything in a very long time. I don’t know, a lot has been weighing on my mind, and I haven’t been feeling the best emotionally and physically. I feel like I haven’t been connected to myself. I stopped writing all together and I haven’t been reading as much. So pretty much, all my inspiration has dried up. Until today. Today, I feel better. I feel like I’m in a good place right now. (Knock on wood).

I haven’t been as anxious lately, the source of most of my anxiety has been stemming from the fact that I have nothing to be anxious about. Like, I’m constantly looking for things to be anxious about. If that makes any sense. I have to learn to get over that, some way some how. I need to start living in the moment, not like being spontaneous, but just being. I decided to start weening myself off social media, because that’s a major part of my stress. I’m still in the stage of my life where I care what other people think of me. As if I need to curate all of these pictures to look like I have everything together. I feel like, once I learn to let that go, I’ll be able to find more peace within myself.

So today, I’m currently sitting in my best friends bed with her, helping her rebrand her business. We were brainstorming some ideas, and I said, we’re creative in different ways, which is 100% true, she paints and draws and makes jewelry. I’m more of a writer and an idea person. I can’t draw particularly well, but I love to write. Which shows how little inspiration and drive I’ve been having, since I haven’t even wanted to write, not pick up a pen, let alone blog. I want to get back into it though. I’ve missed this. Just sitting here and typing how I feel. I find it relaxing and just overall good for me.

At the end of August, I went to Salem, MA with my boyfriend. I thought being there would spark some type of inspiration, but it didn’t. I absolutely love Salem, but it didn’t spark enough inspiration in me to write. But I’m back now. I’m going to try and write more. Get back into it.

School started though, so I truly have to focus on that, but I want to write a little bit at least. I want to respark what I had inside of me over the summer. I helps having a very creative friend, and sitting here with her, is making the creativity flow a little easier.

I just want to take this chance to say how beyond thankful I am for my friends and family, my support system. I know my bipolar can have an impact on them, and they always stick by me. Especially through all the episodes, irrational thoughts, and anxiety.

I’m trying not to let the anxiety get to me or get me down. I know I just have to push myself a little bit more, but I also have to know my limits. Knowing when I’m doing too much and making myself overwhelmed, or just being in my head too much. I have to be more self aware and just be. In the moment, in a good mindset, just in a good place. And be able to accept that I’m not going to be anxious all the time, and I have to stop looking for things to be anxious about. I can’t let the disorder control me, because I control it.

Good Vibes Only

I’m going to the Great South Bay Music Festival tonight! With my best friend. Sublime is playing at 8:15, which is super exciting. Their song Santeria has a special place in my heart. You know those songs that you hear and they bring you right back to a specific moment in time? That’s what that song is for me. It reminds me of my 21st birthday, before bipolar had torn me apart, and way before I was able to put myself back together again.

Anyway, I forgot to take my abilify this morning (sorry, mom), I’ll be picking it up from the pharmacy at 4:30 and taking it right before I go to the festival. I actually feel okay, usually if I don’t take my meds I can feel it right away. Surprisingly though, I feel pretty good, I’ve been having a pretty good day. I was anxious for a few minutes, and cried for 2 of those minutes. I feel fine now though. I’m hoping that taking it won’t kill my vibe today. Like I know I can’t just stop taking my meds. I’ve been down that road before, but maybe, just maybe, I can lower my dosage, which would be amazing. I’m so tired of being on the highest dosage of all my meds, it makes me feel like I’m so broken.

I have a weird relationship with medication. I refused to take it consistently for a long time. Which is what landed me in the hospital the first time, then my antidepressant stopped working, which brought on the second hospitalization. I’m so much on meds to the point where, when I go see my psychiatrist, I just catch him up on my feelings and symptoms, he puts in my refills, and I’m on my way. He doesn’t want to put me on any more meds, and we don’t have any wiggle room. I’m afraid to adjust them too, because I’m the most stable I’ve been in a very long time. It’s not like I’m just going to stop taking meds, unacceptable, that’s what I tell myself. Like I said, usually if I don’t take them I feel it right away. If I forget night meds, the whole next day is shot. If I forget morning meds, I just feel all floaty and outside of my body, my head swims. Not today though, today is good vibes only.

The question is though, if I start feeling bad after I take the meds, is it me feeling like I should be feeling worse because I took the meds? Or is it that the meds are actually making me feel that way? I overthink about everything, so the world may never know.

I’ll keep you updated. Who can say on site music festival post? That’ll mostly just be picturessss. Yes!

Torrid Mini-Haul

I figured I’d try something new here. So here it goes!

I am on a plus size fashion adventure. I recently came to the conclusion that I had to start buying plus size clothes, and I made peace with that. So when I had that realization, I had no idea where to start shopping for clothes. So of course I did a little googling, posted in a few facebook groups for advice, and came up with a few stores to try. The most talked about one was Torrid, so I decided I’d check them out, and I quickly came to see why they were recommended by so many people. My favorite thing is that they’re always having sales.

Now, if you have ever shopped for plus size clothing, you’ve come to realize that plus size clothing costs more. A shirt in a size medium will cost a reasonable amount, but a size XL will cost you $2-$3 more. It’s actually ridiculous, it’s also called the “fat tax”. Which is even worse. Anyway, I went to torrid, saw the prices and, being the frugal person I was raised to be, thought no way. Until, I saw their sales. My, what a beautiful world it turned into.

This last paycheck I picked up a few pieces, the sale was an extra 50% off clearance, so of course I had to take advantage. So here’s what I got:

First off, I’ve totally been into floral prints and comfy clothes. So I got a pair of pants, they’re the: Paisley Floral Ponte Slim Fix,

I haven’t tried these on yet, but I’ll keep you posted. I just thought they were super cute and they’re cropped which is perfect for me, because I’m pretty short. I’m excited to wear them!

This is a skirt that I got. It’s kind of like a body con skirt, it folds over on top and it’s nice and the material is nice and thick. I put it on pretty much as soon as I got the package. It’s the perfect length and has a super fun and bright geometric pattern.

The other two things I got were a belt and sunglasses. I needed a belt because I don’t own one, and I just love sunglasses.

I can’t wait to wear the sunglasses (even though my boyfriend hates them!) and I love the belt I just think it’s adorable and it’s the right size.

So yeah, that’s my little mini haul! I’ll keep you posted on how the pants fit and how all the other stuff wears!

Today feels like a Friday

You know how some days don’t feel right? Like a it feels like it should be the end of the week, but it’s actually a Tuesday? That’s how I feel today. Since tomorrow is the 4th of July, we have off, and somehow we managed to get off Friday too. So, this Wednesday is kind of like a Friday. We get to wear jeans and maybe leave early, holidays in the middle of the week are pretty awesome.

I’m coming in on Friday though, I have to make up hours because I took off last Thursday because I was switching medications. And I left early the last two days because of migraines and mania. Sooo I lost hours, which is not awesome. I guess coming in Friday won’t be the worst thing ever, no one will be here, it’ll be super chill. Easy breezy. We listen to the radio all day no breaks. It’s not like it’s Spotify or anything either, it’s the actual radio, commercials and all. Sounds fun, right?

I’m working on grant letters of support today. Surprisingly it’s not too bad, but around 1, just like everyday around 1, I’m anxious. Just slightly though. So it’s not terrible, just uncomfortable. It makes it difficult to get work done. I’m focusing on the anxiety too much and not work.

The morning went pretty quickly, lunch came and went, I have to drop my timesheet off for this pay period, which makes me very anxious. They’re always saying that it would “be great” if I could drop it off early, but I can’t. They don’t understand, it takes me all day to work up enough strength and courage to go and do it. I can’t bring it early. I feel like a lot of people don’t understand. Anxiety has become so normalized that not everyone can understand when you say “no, I’m really anxious”. They’re perception of anxiety is personalized. Whether they have it or they listen to the stigma, I feel like people don’t understand, well some people.

I don’t talk openly about my anxiety or bipolar. I don’t want people to make up perceptions about me because of a biological disorder. Like, I can’t just not be bipolar. It’s literally in my genes. Like, thank you for your suggestions, but it is part of me. It makes it hard for me to accept that I’m more than just bipolar, when people perceive me only that one way. That’s why I don’t talk openly about it. I want people to know me, as me. With no preconceived notions.

Anywayyyyy. Work, I’m back at it. Trying not to be anxious, because, it’s Friday, right?

or shall I say Fri-yay…

Plan your escape

It’s a slow day at work today. I’m by myself, doing nothing, so I figured I’d write a post. It’s been awhile. Basically, I’ve been feeling good. Well more like neural, no waiting for the other shoe to drop kind of good, but just chilling good. It’s amazing. I haven’t felt like this in forever.

Anyway, I switched from adderall to vyvanse, so far so good. By that I mean I just switched yesterday morning and nothing bad has happened yet. Sooo yeah, I’m pretty happy about it.

I’m working today, I’m very proud of myself, I’ve only taken one day off in the last four weeks and I didn’t leave early any days. Like, who am I? The queen of “not feeling well” to the point where I would keep myself from doing things, even working. I’m in a much better head space from a year ago. Why, I don’t know. I keep writing in my journal, that something isn’t clicking, but that’s the thing, I think things are clicking. Finally. So no symptoms are the best symptoms, right?

I guess to answer my own question, it’s a thin line. Sometimes you’ll get too comfortable with no symptoms and neglect yourself, sometimes you’ll focus on it too much and you won’t let yourself feel, what I would call, neutral. So I guess I’ve found the balance. I’m taking care of myself, the best I can, but, also doing the best I can, I’m aware. Aware of triggers, situations, my own anxiety. Mostly triggers. I’m thinking about it now. Like, if this situation is going to make me anxious, than I’ll handle it this way. Instead of blindly going in and hoping it’ll work out, that’s not how my brain works. I need to be prepared, always have an escape plan. Even if it’s just me telling someone that I “don’t feel well”, that’s my default. No matter what I do or where I go, I think I’ll always be the queen of “I don’t feel well”. It’s my roots. I used to have trouble describing what I felt, so I would just say that I didn’t feel well, because that’s all I knew. I knew I didn’t feel well, I couldn’t explain why or anything past that, that was my baseline. For a long time. How and why that changed was a force of nature and it just so happened that, that force was me. I thought it was meds or biology, but it was me.

I am the force of nature behind this change.

Get it Together Girl

By girl, I mean me. I’ve been falling off the wagon recently with everything. Skincare, hair care, organization, self care and love, and mostly school. I don’t know what happened. I fell into a depression and I didn’t know what to do, then there was the crippling anxiety. I mean I guess that could have something to do with it, actually that has everything to do with it. I’ve had to learn that I can’t let my depression and anxiety control me, but that’s easier said than done.

I was also sick, then I was throwing up at least once a week for 2 weeks for no reason. It could be explained as stress, but that’s hard to except. That I was so stressed out that I threw up? That’s something new. I don’t like it. I know things are bad when my skin starts suffering. I have breakouts and dark spots and dullness. Things were to the point where I wouldn’t even wash my face or shower on a regular schedule. I used to have my weeks scheduled out, even my days, but that stopped working to make me want to do things. I just need to get it together. I just don’t know how. I feel lost and as if no one can help. The doctors have decided that I don’t need to change meds and that my dosage can’t be increased, which means it’s up to me. I have to find the strength to change and be better, do better. It’s easier said that done though.

I’ve been thinking

A lot the past few days.

About how, I want to do something important, something that matters, something that will influence other people. I watch a lot of beauty videos on YouTube, and it hit me, that they have such a huge platform, they have the ability to do something. They choose to do the things they do and for that I’m thankful. Because I watch them a lot and by a lot I mean a lot. Watching YouTube is my escape and I’m constantly looking for an escape from my bipolar. Being bipolar, I have different struggles from other people, certain things are more difficult for me, but everyone has their own struggle and issues, I don’t want to take away from that.

This escape, is turning into sort of an inspiration, not that I’m going to stop everything I’m doing and become start doing YouTube full time. I mean, I want to find my own little space where I can have an impact on people. I know I can do that by telling my story or maybe whatever I do can become an escape for someone else, like YouTube is for me. I want to be a safe space, I want people to be able to come to me as they are and leave a little bit more…something. I don’t know, inspired, heard, maybe they found something that relates to them. I want to help people and I want to do it sooner rather thank later, I want to start now. The thing is though, I have to learn to be patient, creating a platform, it takes time, it takes grit. I have grit and I have time, I don’t have patience. That’s a big flaw that I have. I have to learn to move past it though. Because a platform isn’t just going to appear out of thin air, I have to create it. I have to clear out my own little space in the world. It’s a journey it’s not magic.

I’ve been extremely blessed my whole life. I don’t want to waste that, I have had experiences and opportunities that other people don’t get. Yes, I have bipolar. What I do with that, is what matters. Do I give up and give into the disorder? Do I take it as just another obstacle and use it to grow? I guess it depends on the day. Some days I want to give in, hide and do nothing, other days, I want to be productive and just do everything. I suppose that’s the nature of the disorder. The point, is to find a happy medium. I need to find that. I want to find that. I want to find that space and just live there. Find it and so everything I can to stay there. Then from there, keep rising. Grow and learn and create. That’s where the platform will come from and that is where I will find my niche. That’s where I will live.