This is a picture of the time my dad took me to a music festival. That’s right, my DAD. It was a festival hosted my Mumford and Sons and my favorite band was playing, Dawes. I bought two tickets, I didn’t even have anyone to go with! My dad stepped in and decided to come with me. The second day we spent on the beach at Seaside Heights, NJ. I don’t think I left our spot once that day. Then Mumford and Sons played for two hours, and it was honestly one of the best days of my life.
I’m going to the Great South Bay Music Festival tonight! With my best friend. Sublime is playing at 8:15, which is super exciting. Their song Santeria has a special place in my heart. You know those songs that you hear and they bring you right back to a specific moment in time? That’s what that song is for me. It reminds me of my 21st birthday, before bipolar had torn me apart, and way before I was able to put myself back together again.
Anyway, I forgot to take my abilify this morning (sorry, mom), I’ll be picking it up from the pharmacy at 4:30 and taking it right before I go to the festival. I actually feel okay, usually if I don’t take my meds I can feel it right away. Surprisingly though, I feel pretty good, I’ve been having a pretty good day. I was anxious for a few minutes, and cried for 2 of those minutes. I feel fine now though. I’m hoping that taking it won’t kill my vibe today. Like I know I can’t just stop taking my meds. I’ve been down that road before, but maybe, just maybe, I can lower my dosage, which would be amazing. I’m so tired of being on the highest dosage of all my meds, it makes me feel like I’m so broken.
I have a weird relationship with medication. I refused to take it consistently for a long time. Which is what landed me in the hospital the first time, then my antidepressant stopped working, which brought on the second hospitalization. I’m so much on meds to the point where, when I go see my psychiatrist, I just catch him up on my feelings and symptoms, he puts in my refills, and I’m on my way. He doesn’t want to put me on any more meds, and we don’t have any wiggle room. I’m afraid to adjust them too, because I’m the most stable I’ve been in a very long time. It’s not like I’m just going to stop taking meds, unacceptable, that’s what I tell myself. Like I said, usually if I don’t take them I feel it right away. If I forget night meds, the whole next day is shot. If I forget morning meds, I just feel all floaty and outside of my body, my head swims. Not today though, today is good vibes only.
The question is though, if I start feeling bad after I take the meds, is it me feeling like I should be feeling worse because I took the meds? Or is it that the meds are actually making me feel that way? I overthink about everything, so the world may never know.
I’ll keep you updated. Who can say on site music festival post? That’ll mostly just be picturessss. Yes!
So, I went to support group last night. It was pretty good. The people were nice and we had a good conversation and I found it helpful. It was nice to be in a group with people around the same age. I was only there for an hour, so I feel like I didn’t really get a good feel for it. Would I go again? Yes. We’ll see what happens in two weeks.
I’m supposed to go to a music festival tonight. I’m writing this instead of getting ready, I guess that shows how much I actually want to go. I just feel so overwhelmed by the thought of going. I have free tickets so I would feel bad wasting them, but if it’s at the expense of my mental health, is it worth it? I mean, I want to go, but will pushing myself to go help or hurt me? I won’t know, until I make my decision.
I was thinking earlier, while I was at work, essentially having a full on anxiety attack, about somethings that happened a few years ago. So, when I was diagnosed, I felt like my world went into a tailspin and everything was out of control. I had a small walk in closet, just big enough for me to fit comfortably. When I felt like things were too out of control, I would go in there and just cry and hide. It was small, it felt safe a cozy, I felt like laying in my bed was too out in the open. I don’t think I reflect on that part of my life very much. I don’t look back on it enough when I’m feeling bad and think, I have come so far. Because I really have. I no longer feel like I’m alone in the world, I have better coping skills now then to just go and hide in my closet. I mean, I’ve moved out of that room so I don’t really have access to the closet. Regardless though, I don’t have that need anymore. I understand myself and my disorder better now. I actually have coping skills and I feel, feelings, which for a very long time I didn’t. I didn’t understand anything and I wasn’t willing to learn, but now I am.
I have come a very long way from when I was diagnosed at 19, I’m not the same person, and for that I’m grateful. I will never forget who I was, but she is gone, I am me now. After I left the hospital in 2016, it was like a rebirth, I was a new person, my soul was rejuvenated. It truly is amazing what almost 3 years can do, when you play a part in your own recovery.
So, tonight just seems like it needs to be a quiet night of reflection and relaxation. Who knows though, I may change my mind. I just have to keep my own well being in mind, and whether or not I’m going just to go or if I’m going because I actually want to go.
A Delicate Odyssey 