Anxiety Killed Sunday

If you saw Sundays post, I went on about how it was my lazy day and I could do anything. Well, I forgot about this little thing called anxiety. I wrote my post around 7:30 am and I thought, yeah today is going to be great. I didn’t think about anxiety. When I’m not doing things anxiety sets in. If what I’m watching isn’t interesting, anxiety. Try and read a book, I can’t focus, anxiety. Think about what else I can do, I think about every single way it could go wrong or make me anxious. So, I figured I would write. I took my anti-anxiety medication and waiting for it to kick in is the worst. I know it’ll help, but waiting for it to happen, it drags. I try and breathe, it feels like there’s a weight on my chest. I put on a podcast because it actually engages my mind. It’s not some mindless beauty video that doesn’t really peak my interest. I would get super anxious though if I tried to sit and watch a show on Netflix. I really feel like crying, but that will not be productive. So. here I sit, listening to my podcast, my mind racing. I forgot to do this, this past week, I have to do this today for work that I didn’t think about. Basically my Sunday is no longer mine. It belongs to my anxiety.

Now, I can think all I want about how I can feel better. They can be good ideas, but my anxiety will prevent me from doing them. I just can’t breathe. Maybe if I go outside and get some fresh air, but that involves me getting ready to go outside, and then I think about maybe I’ll have to interact with people. That is not something I can handle. My thing for work that I have to do usually doesn’t make me anxious, I can usually do it and be done. I’m self-conscious though, what if it doesn’t get likes, what if I just can’t do it. All I can think about is the negative things that are involved in what it takes to do the task. I can’t see the end goal and think about how I’ll feel when it’s done. I feel like I’ll do it and I won’t feel accomplished, so why even start?

I’m restless, I don’t even know how I’m sitting here writing this. I know I will get sucked into the couch if I stay there. I’ll feel even worse if I lay in the bed. What do I do? How do I feel better? Well, I’m not very good at self-care especially when I feel anxious. Maybe I need a routine specifically for Sundays. That is probably a good idea. It’s too late to do it today, but I can do it next week. It 12:53 and I’m not sure what I’m going to do with the rest of my day. I could let anxiety kill Sunday, but I could also not. We won’t find out until tonight.

At this point the anti-anxiety med has kicked in, and I feel a bit more relaxed. I need to take this momentum. Do tiny things. Eat, drink water, listen to podcasts instead of tv, and don’t panic. Now, none of these things may happen, maybe they will. But at this point, anxiety has killed my ideal Sunday and it has made me realize, that if I don’t have some sort of schedule for Sunday, anxiety will kill every single one.

Good Vibes Only

I’m going to the Great South Bay Music Festival tonight! With my best friend. Sublime is playing at 8:15, which is super exciting. Their song Santeria has a special place in my heart. You know those songs that you hear and they bring you right back to a specific moment in time? That’s what that song is for me. It reminds me of my 21st birthday, before bipolar had torn me apart, and way before I was able to put myself back together again.

Anyway, I forgot to take my abilify this morning (sorry, mom), I’ll be picking it up from the pharmacy at 4:30 and taking it right before I go to the festival. I actually feel okay, usually if I don’t take my meds I can feel it right away. Surprisingly though, I feel pretty good, I’ve been having a pretty good day. I was anxious for a few minutes, and cried for 2 of those minutes. I feel fine now though. I’m hoping that taking it won’t kill my vibe today. Like I know I can’t just stop taking my meds. I’ve been down that road before, but maybe, just maybe, I can lower my dosage, which would be amazing. I’m so tired of being on the highest dosage of all my meds, it makes me feel like I’m so broken.

I have a weird relationship with medication. I refused to take it consistently for a long time. Which is what landed me in the hospital the first time, then my antidepressant stopped working, which brought on the second hospitalization. I’m so much on meds to the point where, when I go see my psychiatrist, I just catch him up on my feelings and symptoms, he puts in my refills, and I’m on my way. He doesn’t want to put me on any more meds, and we don’t have any wiggle room. I’m afraid to adjust them too, because I’m the most stable I’ve been in a very long time. It’s not like I’m just going to stop taking meds, unacceptable, that’s what I tell myself. Like I said, usually if I don’t take them I feel it right away. If I forget night meds, the whole next day is shot. If I forget morning meds, I just feel all floaty and outside of my body, my head swims. Not today though, today is good vibes only.

The question is though, if I start feeling bad after I take the meds, is it me feeling like I should be feeling worse because I took the meds? Or is it that the meds are actually making me feel that way? I overthink about everything, so the world may never know.

I’ll keep you updated. Who can say on site music festival post? That’ll mostly just be picturessss. Yes!