If you saw Sundays post, I went on about how it was my lazy day and I could do anything. Well, I forgot about this little thing called anxiety. I wrote my post around 7:30 am and I thought, yeah today is going to be great. I didn’t think about anxiety. When I’m not doing things anxiety sets in. If what I’m watching isn’t interesting, anxiety. Try and read a book, I can’t focus, anxiety. Think about what else I can do, I think about every single way it could go wrong or make me anxious. So, I figured I would write. I took my anti-anxiety medication and waiting for it to kick in is the worst. I know it’ll help, but waiting for it to happen, it drags. I try and breathe, it feels like there’s a weight on my chest. I put on a podcast because it actually engages my mind. It’s not some mindless beauty video that doesn’t really peak my interest. I would get super anxious though if I tried to sit and watch a show on Netflix. I really feel like crying, but that will not be productive. So. here I sit, listening to my podcast, my mind racing. I forgot to do this, this past week, I have to do this today for work that I didn’t think about. Basically my Sunday is no longer mine. It belongs to my anxiety.
Now, I can think all I want about how I can feel better. They can be good ideas, but my anxiety will prevent me from doing them. I just can’t breathe. Maybe if I go outside and get some fresh air, but that involves me getting ready to go outside, and then I think about maybe I’ll have to interact with people. That is not something I can handle. My thing for work that I have to do usually doesn’t make me anxious, I can usually do it and be done. I’m self-conscious though, what if it doesn’t get likes, what if I just can’t do it. All I can think about is the negative things that are involved in what it takes to do the task. I can’t see the end goal and think about how I’ll feel when it’s done. I feel like I’ll do it and I won’t feel accomplished, so why even start?
I’m restless, I don’t even know how I’m sitting here writing this. I know I will get sucked into the couch if I stay there. I’ll feel even worse if I lay in the bed. What do I do? How do I feel better? Well, I’m not very good at self-care especially when I feel anxious. Maybe I need a routine specifically for Sundays. That is probably a good idea. It’s too late to do it today, but I can do it next week. It 12:53 and I’m not sure what I’m going to do with the rest of my day. I could let anxiety kill Sunday, but I could also not. We won’t find out until tonight.
At this point the anti-anxiety med has kicked in, and I feel a bit more relaxed. I need to take this momentum. Do tiny things. Eat, drink water, listen to podcasts instead of tv, and don’t panic. Now, none of these things may happen, maybe they will. But at this point, anxiety has killed my ideal Sunday and it has made me realize, that if I don’t have some sort of schedule for Sunday, anxiety will kill every single one.
A Delicate Odyssey 