Brain Dump

I know I’ve been inconsistent and I’m not going to lie and say that I will start being consistent soon, because I really don’t know. I’m still grieving and some days are better than others. I’m really trying to change my mindset in a lot of facets of my life. i know today is supposed to be a weekly wrap-up. Honestly though, I didn’t even realize today was Saturday. My anxiety is at about a 6 right now, but I’m trying very hard to not let it get to me, the anxiety I mean. I know it’s not easy to control anxiety, it usually works better to just let it consume me and just live with the anxiety. I’m trying to not be like that anymore. I’m trying everything I can think of to counteract the anxiety that’s trying to consume me. Nothing on tv is interesting me though. So I went with my good old podcasts. I have the feeling that I want to cry, but that really won’t help the situation.

I’m very bored, there’s a million things I could be doing, but I just don’t want to. I have this feeling that I have to be proactive and constantly be doing things. I’m not sure why I am that way. I really just want to be able to let the things that I can’t control go, and just focus on what I need during that time I use to heal. I just feel so lost. Nothing feels right, right now. My boyfriend has a new project he’s working on and I have nothing. I want to be able to throw part of myself into this blog, but I just feel like I don’t have it in me fully. I really want to though. So, if you have any tips about how to do that, please share. Because I have an abundance of time, I’m healing though. I can’t use that as an excuse or a crutch for everything though. Like I used my bipolar for a very long time. I didn’t accept it and take control, so I just used it as an excuse. I did that for way too long, because I started seeing myself as just being bipolar and that it defined me, but that’s not true. Bipolar is part of me, but that doesn’t mean I’ll let it define me.

I need to relight the fire I had inside myself. It’s dimmed to an ember, but it’s still burning, I just need to add fuel. I’m not really sure how to do that, but I’ll do it. Someway, somehow. I need to get my creative juices flowing. I feel like something will click and I’ll slowly start to feel inspired and better. Between bouts of extreme anxiety, hopefully I’ll feel like creating something, and the bouts of anxiety will become less extreme and things will slowly get back to an equilibrium.

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