Sunday Rambles Pt. 5

It’s early, like 5:20 am early. I got up to go to the bathroom and couldn’t fall back asleep, so right now it’s just me and Bruce. Also, when I woke up I saw that our motion sensor back porch light was on, which is very weird. It doesn’t usually get triggered by animals and I am not going to go investigate. Unless I get too hungry and have to go make waffles downstairs. I’m not there yet, but I’m sure it’ll happen. Actually, it’s fathers day, so I may hold out until my mom makes breakfast. We’ll see how much will-power I have.

Sometimes when I wake up early and decide today is going to be a “maybe” day, I feel a bit more relaxed than usual. Probably because I know I won’t be pushing myself to do thing after thing after thing. Also my dad just wants to do nothing for Father’s Day today. I kinda want to work out, but I also kind of don’t. On another note I just dropped my laptop. I’m not sure if I’ve ever written this, but according to my boyfriend, I am where electronics go to die. I don’t buy new or expensive electronics because they always break on me. I just made my first expensive headphones, I paid a whopping $77. I’m very frugal, so I really had to be pushed to order them, but I finally did, and I’m very excited.

I’m not really tired right now and I need to stay awake. I’ve fallen back into the pattern of falling back asleep on the couch after I wake up and come out the the living room. Well it’s a little while later and I worked out and fell asleep on the couch. I guess that could be considered balance.

It’s very warm in my apartment right now. The only air conditioner is in the bedroom and my boyfriend is sleeping so the door is currently closed. I’m in the living room with two fans trying to keep cool. I’m not very good in the heat because I get really bad migraines if i’m not careful, which I’m usually not. So the name of the game for the rest of the summer is to stay as cool as possible.

As usual I’m the first one up. I don’t even know when anyone else will be awake. I was thinking about going to sit outside and take in the fresh air. I did not do that though. I’m glad I didn’t because it is blazing out there. I mean, I’m not really much cooler where I am now, but still.

It’s that time of the week where I start adding random things to my birthday list. I love makeup, but that’s not all that I want, I can’t think of other things I want though. I want to get things that will better me and help me become better.

On a total other rant, I hate shopping for clothes online. For one reason being plus size it’s hard to find somewhere that sells clothes in my size in general. I can only order off torrid because that’s the only place where I’ve tried clothes on in person before. I don’t have the money for that. All I want is a pair of plain jean shorts that don’t cost an arm and a leg. I can’t order anything off amazon because I don’t know how it’ll fit and if it doesn’t not only will I feel bad about myself, but I’ll have to return them, which I’m not very good at.

Okay, it’s now Monday afternoon and I’m feeling slightly okay. I don’t really have a lot to say today so I figured I would just tack some Monday rambles on the tail end of my Sunday rambles post. It was 81 degrees in my living room this morning and all I had was a fan. I even worked out. It was way too hot to make regular coffee, so we ordered Panera and I got my cold brew, thankfully. I’m now feeling like more of a human, Anyway, I think I’ll do an actual post for today.

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Sunday Rambles Pt 4

It’s 7:42 in the morning and I’ve already worked out. Now I’m trying to decide if I want coffee or not. I mean of course I want coffee, but the question is, do I feel like making it myself? I need to go to CVS in a little while to get cat food and I could get coffee there. I don’t know. I’ll probably make it myself. I’m kind of sleepy I’m trying to stay awake though, which means i should probably make coffee. I’m just lazy. I’m also hungry, but I don’t feel like going downstairs to make what I want. I just realized that I can’t go to CVS until my boyfriend wakes up in case he needs anything. He is not a morning person, especially if he’s woken up and doesn’t wake up naturally. So, I guess I’m making myself coffee.

I feel like I’m exhausted, i’m not really sure why. I’ve been sleeping fine and waking up pretty consistently, maybe my body and mind are just tired and I have to accept that. I was so bored last night. Nothing was interesting, nothing was sparking anything inside of me. I hate being bored, but I’m also pretty lazy. I’ve been cleaning more though which helps make me feel better because the apartment isn’t a mess and stressing me out. Except my desk is a hot spot for junk. It’s got piles of books and journals and tons of pens. It’s like every time I clean it the next day it’s a mess because I’ll go looking for a book or I’ll actually be doing work and everything that I’m using will spread outwards. Then I’ll forget to put things back where they go. I have a post on how I attempt to keep things organized going up eventually.

Last Sunday I went to some protests with my mom, this week I have no idea what I’m doing. Maybe I’ll see what she’s doing, maybe I’ll just do some random things. Who knows. It’s 8:09 in the morning, no one is awake, I have no business attempting to plan my day right now. Also, I shouldn’t be doing that because I don’t know how anxious I’ll get through out the day. I don’t know what I’ll mentally be able to handle today. I don’t want to go out even though the state is basically open, because the virus isn’t gone. People stopped getting tested. In the states that have been opened the COVID cases have increased. Just because we’ve met the quota to get to phase 2, I have a feeling this isn’t over. I think a lot of people know this isn’t over. It’ll be what it’ll be though.

Now for something a little bit more trivial. Something that makes me feel better, for some reason, is to go on Sephora or Ulta and just scroll through the makeup. I’ll probably never buy most of it, but somehow it calms me down. I don’t always look for something in particular, but it helps. I love makeup. I haven’t been wearing it because of quarantine, and it makes me sad. I know I could just do it for the fun of it, which I should actually do. It’s something to do when I’m bored. Just put on a full face for no reason, sounds good to me. Anyway, since I’ve been working on my birthday list I’ve been going on each site almost everyday looking for things I may want. There are things I still really want to add to my collection, but I don’t really have an abundance of money. I’d rather save and splurge. Like save so much where I don’t mind buying enough things to reach free shipping and not freak out about it. I’m on my way there, but I’m not there yet. Hopefully soon though, but maybe not. We’ll see.

Anyway, hopefully you have a great Sunday filled with rest and productivity.

Brain Dump

I know I’ve been inconsistent and I’m not going to lie and say that I will start being consistent soon, because I really don’t know. I’m still grieving and some days are better than others. I’m really trying to change my mindset in a lot of facets of my life. i know today is supposed to be a weekly wrap-up. Honestly though, I didn’t even realize today was Saturday. My anxiety is at about a 6 right now, but I’m trying very hard to not let it get to me, the anxiety I mean. I know it’s not easy to control anxiety, it usually works better to just let it consume me and just live with the anxiety. I’m trying to not be like that anymore. I’m trying everything I can think of to counteract the anxiety that’s trying to consume me. Nothing on tv is interesting me though. So I went with my good old podcasts. I have the feeling that I want to cry, but that really won’t help the situation.

I’m very bored, there’s a million things I could be doing, but I just don’t want to. I have this feeling that I have to be proactive and constantly be doing things. I’m not sure why I am that way. I really just want to be able to let the things that I can’t control go, and just focus on what I need during that time I use to heal. I just feel so lost. Nothing feels right, right now. My boyfriend has a new project he’s working on and I have nothing. I want to be able to throw part of myself into this blog, but I just feel like I don’t have it in me fully. I really want to though. So, if you have any tips about how to do that, please share. Because I have an abundance of time, I’m healing though. I can’t use that as an excuse or a crutch for everything though. Like I used my bipolar for a very long time. I didn’t accept it and take control, so I just used it as an excuse. I did that for way too long, because I started seeing myself as just being bipolar and that it defined me, but that’s not true. Bipolar is part of me, but that doesn’t mean I’ll let it define me.

I need to relight the fire I had inside myself. It’s dimmed to an ember, but it’s still burning, I just need to add fuel. I’m not really sure how to do that, but I’ll do it. Someway, somehow. I need to get my creative juices flowing. I feel like something will click and I’ll slowly start to feel inspired and better. Between bouts of extreme anxiety, hopefully I’ll feel like creating something, and the bouts of anxiety will become less extreme and things will slowly get back to an equilibrium.

Sunday Rambles Pt 3

I’m going to try and keep this a bit more easy breezy, but I can’t make any promises. So, the first thing I woke up to was a half eaten, what I think was a bat, outside my bedroom door. We leave my cat outside in the living room and kitchen at night, sometimes he catches bats. All our windows are closed though, so i’m not entirely sure where he got the bat from, and that also begs the question, do cats eat bats? Anyway, we may have to get him his rabies shot, because I’m not sure if he has it or not. Hopefully he does, but I won’t know until my boyfriend wakes up.

I already drank my coffee and had a small snack, so today I’m not going to try and force myself to relax, but I still need time to process and grieve. I’m not sure how other people are feeling and no one is really asking me. I’m okay with that though. I don’t want people swarming me, the people that matter know how I’m feeling. Yesterday morning I was exhausted, mostly emotionally and mentally, but I felt it in my body too. I just wanted to sleep, which I did. I must have taken like 3 naps yesterday. I know I’ll be okay though.

There’s so may things I want to do, but I know the best thing for me to do is to rest. Sit with my feelings and let myself feel them, try and not distract myself too much. I haven’t been listening to any podcasts really, which makes me kind of sad. I love podcasts. I just feel like the TV is my comfort zone and like most people I don’t like to leave my comfort zone. Sometimes I feel like podcasts are out of my comfort zone, so I just don’t feel like podcasts are in that comfort zone. One of my posts this week is most likely going to be about circle of control and circle of concern. I’m not sure what day that’s going to go up, but I’m looking forward to that post. So look for that.

It’s starting to get really warm in New York, which means that the air conditioner in. I’m not crazy about that. When I was living in mt old room I wasn’t allowed to have one in my room, because it would have been on the same circuit as my parents and it would blow the fuse. So, I’m used to living in the heat, and I actually like it. Having all the windows open and having fans, it’s how I’m most comfortable in the summer. Now though, we have the animals and we need to have the air conditioner for them.

I’m anxious, but I think it’s because I’m hungry, so I should probably eat. We usually order breakfast, but I don’t know when he’ll be awake. He’s found a new hobby and he’s very excited and I’m excited for him. It makes me feel like I should find one, but then I realized, writing is my hobby. Right now this blog is my hobby. I don’t want to think of it as a hobby, but it’s not a job yet. I want it to be. Not like a full full time job, but just a full time job. Because I know that’s what I want to do, but I can’t put that time in right now. I own my own business, and that’s my true full time job. I wake up early to write these posts or I write them in bulk. There’s so many things I want to do with writing, but I can’t do that right this second. Maybe in a few weeks, but right now, writing is a hobby. I write all day. I have a jotterpad page open all day on here and I have so many journals filled with ideas. It’s just not the time, but I feel like at some point it will be. I’m pretty confident in that.

Since this is my Sunday Rambles post, I may just keep writing. I’ve decided that I’m going to start writing an intention for the week and making two goals for the week and choosing a word for the week and just keep that in mind. I’m not sure what this weeks word will be. I’m thinking maybe strength or rest or heal. My intention maybe something like, feel your feelings, sit with them and that it’s okay to be sad. I don’t really know. I’ll figure it out. I don’t usually do it until Sunday night.

My mom just made a smoothie and it was really good, so that might fill me up a little bit. I’m pretty awake now. For some reason coffee makes me more awake than any other type of energy drink. I actually feel pretty okay right now. I think I’ll go bask in it. Happy Sunday! I hope this wasn’t too much of a ramble fest.

It’s Okay to Feel Okay

So, it’s Saturday afternoon. I’m roasting coffee for an order, it’s very warm and muggy on Long Island, and the apartment is even hotter. I was in distress because when it gets hot I’m more prone to migraines, and just like everyone else feels, I get very uncomfortable in general. Well, I found a fan on the top shelf of our bathroom cabinets, my boyfriend got it down. I went out to drop off a delivery and as I was driving back I felt that tinge of pain that is the beginning of a migraine. When I got home, he had set up the fan in the kitchen and I remembered that I had a nice cold celsius energy drink in the fridge. So, I’m standing here, drinking my cold drink, with the fan aimed at my back and youtube videos on, and writing. I am a happy camper. I don’t know that last time I said that. I used to say it a lot for small things, like, if I got ice cream on a random day, I would be a happy camper. Anyway, I’m comfortable and I’m okay. I am okay. I’m not saying I’m fantastic or anything, I’m just okay or neutral. I don’t know how long this will last so I’m going to take advantage of it.

I always have a post planned or have a seed of an idea planted in my head, but right this second I don’t. I’m just going to free write a little bit. Like I said, I’m roasting right now. The beans smell amazing and look even better. I’m happy with my work. There’s another bean I’m having a bit of trouble with, but I have confidence I will figure it out. I’m part of this blogger group on facebook and I keep seeing people posting this or that about their blog. My post about comparison is live by now, so you may know that I’m having some issues with comparing myself to others right now. Also, I’m what I like to call a “lurker” on Facebook. I don’t post too often, I don’t comment or like, I just fly under the radar. To the point where people rarely say happy birthday to me on my birthday. So, here I am seeing all these veteran and emerging bloggers come together and what am I doing? Comparing myself. This person writes 1000 word posts, on that same post I was following about word counts someone wrote “20 percent more than your competition”. I was a bit taken aback. Are we in this group to compete with each other or help each other? Who am I competing against? The only person I can think of is myself. I mean, of course there’s other blogs that are advertising and getting monetized, but I’m not there yet. At this point in my blogging career the only person I’m trying to be better than, is myself.

I have to learn to set reasonable goals for myself. Maybe one post I had during the week reached 1000 words or so. Maybe the next week I’ll aim for two posts with that many words. I mean maybe pretty loosely. I know what I’m capable of and I know what a reasonable goal for myself is. Other people set their goals based on their lives. What their everyday life is like. For example, I love blogging, but I have other priorities. I have a small business to run, I have things to do for school, and most importantly my biggest priority is my mental health. Besides my relationships with people and my animals, my mental health needs to take priority. I don’t know what these other bloggers are going through, I don’t know what they do besides blogging. Just like social media, you only see what they want you to see. I feel like I’m pretty open about my mental health and how it affects me. I don’t go much further than that though, which is why I want to add in some lifestyle here and there. I want to show you more than just mental health, because while it may be my priority, it’s not all that I am. Most of my weekly posts are pre-written, because when I do feel okay or have a spark of inspiration during my down time I want to take advantage of it. Which is why my weekend posts are written day of, I want you to see what I did this week and read my rambles about what I want to get done. Anyway, I’m going to go take advantage of feeling okay and just lounge around the apartment.

Sunday Rambles Pt. 2

I’m a little late this morning. This morning was very eventful. I slept in, in the bed, then I moved on to the couch, and fell asleep, then I woke up, made coffee, killed a spider and then went and ate some pancakes. That’s my morning so far. I’m going to write this, watch some beauty videos, then probably put on Penny Dreadful while I roast some coffee. This may go up later than usual because I feel like I don’t have a lot to ramble about right now.

I’m so sleepy right now and it’s making me very anxious. I really want to go back to sleep. I actually could fall asleep right now. I’m cozy and I should probably get uncozy and do things, but I probably won’t. At least not until my boyfriend weighs out the beans to be roasted. I’m thinking about all these things I should do, but there is no should, either I do it or I don’t. I had coffee, I took all my meds (including my stimulants), and I still feel like I’m in a brain fog. I feel a migraine coming on and I feel like crying. Also, it’s that time of the month, so that could really be what’s getting to me. I feel bad, but I also don’t.

Okay, it’s been real rambly. I’m now roasting and I feel a little bit better. Let’s take advantage of that. I spent most of my day so far making my birthday wish list and some other lists. I use Shoptagr (not sponsored at all). I really like the app, especially the plugin on chrome. For a while I stopped using it because I wasn’t interested in buying things. Now though, I want all the things. I can’t buy them though, but I can look and it makes me feel better to make the list because it gives me the illusion that I might get it one day. Anyway, my birthday list, there’s nothing exceptional on it, but it gives me something to look forward to. Mostly because my birthday probably won’t be celebrated the way that I’m used to. I love my birthday like I love it, but this year is different. I don’t know how you’re supposed to plan a birthday in quarantine. I’ll have to figure it out. I only have a few friends, so it wouldn’t be anything big. Still, I want to have a semi-okay birthday which I’m sure I will.

I really don’t have anything interesting to say today. I think it’ll be a kind of lazy day. Anyway, here’s your fill of weekly rambles!

Sunday Rambles pt 1

Good morning, this mornings post is brought to you by my couch. Sundays are my days of rest. It’s the day I give myself permission to do nothing. I say I give myself permission because I make things very difficult on myself throughout the week. So, Sundays I can basically do whatever I want, which is usually nothing. I mean if there’s something business-related that different because that takes priority. Most people take Sundays to sleep in, I don’t I wake up at the same time on Sundays as I do during the week because that’s when I get my quiet time. I believe that having a little bit of time to yourself very important, so you can refresh or reset. So here I am, comfy clothes, glasses instead of contacts, my hair is in a braid because I couldn’t be bothered. Now, I’m sitting on my couch, drinking my energy drink (too much effort to make coffee), and I feel pretty relaxed. Usually my mornings are filled with anxiety, but Sundays I can chill out.

Later today I will take some time to set some intentions for the week, to kind of set the pace for the week. I do not take Sundays to schedule my whole week out. Sundays are meant to be easy breezy. I usually convince my mom to make pancakes because they’re up there as one of my favorite foods. Usually I’ll have a mini breakfast, but not today. I want to have all the room in my stomach for the pancakes. If I’m feeling up to it I may pre-write some blog posts, by up to it I mean feeling lazy. I wrote down some things I wanted to include in this post in my blogging notebook, but it has the word rambles in the title.

Like my Saturday post this is going to be a fee write post unless I won’t have the opportunity to do it on Sunday. I’ve been thinking a lot about Salem, MA lately. I love it there and I miss it. Its made up of mostly small businesses and I’m worried they won’t be able to reopen after this is all over. Because they make Salem so special. I spent my birthday in Salem last year and it is one of my favorite birthdays I’ve had. My boyfriend and I made so many memories and I just miss it so much. We were going to try and go in September before the Halloween festivities start. We’ve done that before. We really want to go in December so we can see all the holiday decorations and just experience the town in a different way. We didn’t travel much before the pandemic, but we always made amazing memories and Salem is or favorite place. If we could on vacation to one place for the rest of our lives, I think we would choose Salem.

Sundays are starting to become my favorite days, I used to hate it because I would dread what was happening this coming week. Now, I try to think of what I have to do and just come to peace with it. We usually schedule business things for the week on Sundays and those are the only plans I’m okay with making. He’s not awake yet, so I’m not sure what’s on the agenda for the week. So for now, I’m just going to relax and watch some beauty videos. Have an easy breezy day where ever you are.

A Few Early Morning Thoughts

It’s currently 7:11 am, I’ve been up since 5:45. I’m writing this on the morning of mothers day, but I’m not sure when this will go up. What’s on my mind this morning? Well, I’m trying to convince myself that it’s okay to take a day off from exercising, I’ve been doing small workouts every morning for the past week. I have the mindset right now that it takes X amount of days to create a habit. So I figured that if I worked out everyday for that amount of days, I would get into the habit. I know I can’t push myself too hard though, some days your body needs a break. I did stretch, so that’s something.

Also, I’m very excited to give my mom her gifts. I’m not going to say what they are in case I decide that I want to post this, this morning. I’m also thinking about setting some goals for this week. The only issue is that, sometimes when I set goals I put too much pressure on myself to do them. Maybe if I do set these goals it will be a good exercise for not putting this pressure on myself. Like, tell myself, it’s okay if you don’t get all of these things done this week, it’s okay. Maybe I’ll try it this week, just set some small goals, for example; exercise four times this week or post on my business social media six days this week and try and schedule those posts early. Things like that. Or my absolute least favorite thing to do, is do the dishes. I know I should probably do dishes more than once a week, but I just hate it so much. So, I’ll start with dishes once a week, including putting them away. Yeah, I’ll start with those. Just some basic things.

I’m currently listening to a podcast, as I now do every morning, I’m listening to Start Inspired, which is a podcast by one of my favorite YouTubers Samantha March. It really is an inspiring podcast, I highly recommend. The other podcast I like to listen to in the morning is Approachable with another YouTuber, Samantha Ravndahl and her friend Alyssa. (I’m not sure how to tag the podcasts Approachable  and Start Inspired) That may or may not work. If it doesn’t I’ll find a way to link them. So, those the podcasts I’m loving right now.

Last night my mom’s side of the family did a Google Meetup. It was my first time doing that in this quarantine, and I loved it. Being able to see the people I love and just have a chat, it was easy breezy. I’d love to do it again.

Anyway, this got a lot more ramblely than I planned, but that’s just how I am in the morning. Like I said, I’m not sure when this is going up, but I’m writing it on Sunday morning, so I’ll try and update on some things I touched on.