Sunday Rambles Pt. 5

It’s early, like 5:20 am early. I got up to go to the bathroom and couldn’t fall back asleep, so right now it’s just me and Bruce. Also, when I woke up I saw that our motion sensor back porch light was on, which is very weird. It doesn’t usually get triggered by animals and I am not going to go investigate. Unless I get too hungry and have to go make waffles downstairs. I’m not there yet, but I’m sure it’ll happen. Actually, it’s fathers day, so I may hold out until my mom makes breakfast. We’ll see how much will-power I have.

Sometimes when I wake up early and decide today is going to be a “maybe” day, I feel a bit more relaxed than usual. Probably because I know I won’t be pushing myself to do thing after thing after thing. Also my dad just wants to do nothing for Father’s Day today. I kinda want to work out, but I also kind of don’t. On another note I just dropped my laptop. I’m not sure if I’ve ever written this, but according to my boyfriend, I am where electronics go to die. I don’t buy new or expensive electronics because they always break on me. I just made my first expensive headphones, I paid a whopping $77. I’m very frugal, so I really had to be pushed to order them, but I finally did, and I’m very excited.

I’m not really tired right now and I need to stay awake. I’ve fallen back into the pattern of falling back asleep on the couch after I wake up and come out the the living room. Well it’s a little while later and I worked out and fell asleep on the couch. I guess that could be considered balance.

It’s very warm in my apartment right now. The only air conditioner is in the bedroom and my boyfriend is sleeping so the door is currently closed. I’m in the living room with two fans trying to keep cool. I’m not very good in the heat because I get really bad migraines if i’m not careful, which I’m usually not. So the name of the game for the rest of the summer is to stay as cool as possible.

As usual I’m the first one up. I don’t even know when anyone else will be awake. I was thinking about going to sit outside and take in the fresh air. I did not do that though. I’m glad I didn’t because it is blazing out there. I mean, I’m not really much cooler where I am now, but still.

It’s that time of the week where I start adding random things to my birthday list. I love makeup, but that’s not all that I want, I can’t think of other things I want though. I want to get things that will better me and help me become better.

On a total other rant, I hate shopping for clothes online. For one reason being plus size it’s hard to find somewhere that sells clothes in my size in general. I can only order off torrid because that’s the only place where I’ve tried clothes on in person before. I don’t have the money for that. All I want is a pair of plain jean shorts that don’t cost an arm and a leg. I can’t order anything off amazon because I don’t know how it’ll fit and if it doesn’t not only will I feel bad about myself, but I’ll have to return them, which I’m not very good at.

Okay, it’s now Monday afternoon and I’m feeling slightly okay. I don’t really have a lot to say today so I figured I would just tack some Monday rambles on the tail end of my Sunday rambles post. It was 81 degrees in my living room this morning and all I had was a fan. I even worked out. It was way too hot to make regular coffee, so we ordered Panera and I got my cold brew, thankfully. I’m now feeling like more of a human, Anyway, I think I’ll do an actual post for today.

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Sunday Rambles Pt 4

It’s 7:42 in the morning and I’ve already worked out. Now I’m trying to decide if I want coffee or not. I mean of course I want coffee, but the question is, do I feel like making it myself? I need to go to CVS in a little while to get cat food and I could get coffee there. I don’t know. I’ll probably make it myself. I’m kind of sleepy I’m trying to stay awake though, which means i should probably make coffee. I’m just lazy. I’m also hungry, but I don’t feel like going downstairs to make what I want. I just realized that I can’t go to CVS until my boyfriend wakes up in case he needs anything. He is not a morning person, especially if he’s woken up and doesn’t wake up naturally. So, I guess I’m making myself coffee.

I feel like I’m exhausted, i’m not really sure why. I’ve been sleeping fine and waking up pretty consistently, maybe my body and mind are just tired and I have to accept that. I was so bored last night. Nothing was interesting, nothing was sparking anything inside of me. I hate being bored, but I’m also pretty lazy. I’ve been cleaning more though which helps make me feel better because the apartment isn’t a mess and stressing me out. Except my desk is a hot spot for junk. It’s got piles of books and journals and tons of pens. It’s like every time I clean it the next day it’s a mess because I’ll go looking for a book or I’ll actually be doing work and everything that I’m using will spread outwards. Then I’ll forget to put things back where they go. I have a post on how I attempt to keep things organized going up eventually.

Last Sunday I went to some protests with my mom, this week I have no idea what I’m doing. Maybe I’ll see what she’s doing, maybe I’ll just do some random things. Who knows. It’s 8:09 in the morning, no one is awake, I have no business attempting to plan my day right now. Also, I shouldn’t be doing that because I don’t know how anxious I’ll get through out the day. I don’t know what I’ll mentally be able to handle today. I don’t want to go out even though the state is basically open, because the virus isn’t gone. People stopped getting tested. In the states that have been opened the COVID cases have increased. Just because we’ve met the quota to get to phase 2, I have a feeling this isn’t over. I think a lot of people know this isn’t over. It’ll be what it’ll be though.

Now for something a little bit more trivial. Something that makes me feel better, for some reason, is to go on Sephora or Ulta and just scroll through the makeup. I’ll probably never buy most of it, but somehow it calms me down. I don’t always look for something in particular, but it helps. I love makeup. I haven’t been wearing it because of quarantine, and it makes me sad. I know I could just do it for the fun of it, which I should actually do. It’s something to do when I’m bored. Just put on a full face for no reason, sounds good to me. Anyway, since I’ve been working on my birthday list I’ve been going on each site almost everyday looking for things I may want. There are things I still really want to add to my collection, but I don’t really have an abundance of money. I’d rather save and splurge. Like save so much where I don’t mind buying enough things to reach free shipping and not freak out about it. I’m on my way there, but I’m not there yet. Hopefully soon though, but maybe not. We’ll see.

Anyway, hopefully you have a great Sunday filled with rest and productivity.

Brain Dump

I know I’ve been inconsistent and I’m not going to lie and say that I will start being consistent soon, because I really don’t know. I’m still grieving and some days are better than others. I’m really trying to change my mindset in a lot of facets of my life. i know today is supposed to be a weekly wrap-up. Honestly though, I didn’t even realize today was Saturday. My anxiety is at about a 6 right now, but I’m trying very hard to not let it get to me, the anxiety I mean. I know it’s not easy to control anxiety, it usually works better to just let it consume me and just live with the anxiety. I’m trying to not be like that anymore. I’m trying everything I can think of to counteract the anxiety that’s trying to consume me. Nothing on tv is interesting me though. So I went with my good old podcasts. I have the feeling that I want to cry, but that really won’t help the situation.

I’m very bored, there’s a million things I could be doing, but I just don’t want to. I have this feeling that I have to be proactive and constantly be doing things. I’m not sure why I am that way. I really just want to be able to let the things that I can’t control go, and just focus on what I need during that time I use to heal. I just feel so lost. Nothing feels right, right now. My boyfriend has a new project he’s working on and I have nothing. I want to be able to throw part of myself into this blog, but I just feel like I don’t have it in me fully. I really want to though. So, if you have any tips about how to do that, please share. Because I have an abundance of time, I’m healing though. I can’t use that as an excuse or a crutch for everything though. Like I used my bipolar for a very long time. I didn’t accept it and take control, so I just used it as an excuse. I did that for way too long, because I started seeing myself as just being bipolar and that it defined me, but that’s not true. Bipolar is part of me, but that doesn’t mean I’ll let it define me.

I need to relight the fire I had inside myself. It’s dimmed to an ember, but it’s still burning, I just need to add fuel. I’m not really sure how to do that, but I’ll do it. Someway, somehow. I need to get my creative juices flowing. I feel like something will click and I’ll slowly start to feel inspired and better. Between bouts of extreme anxiety, hopefully I’ll feel like creating something, and the bouts of anxiety will become less extreme and things will slowly get back to an equilibrium.

Sunday Rambles Pt. 2

I’m a little late this morning. This morning was very eventful. I slept in, in the bed, then I moved on to the couch, and fell asleep, then I woke up, made coffee, killed a spider and then went and ate some pancakes. That’s my morning so far. I’m going to write this, watch some beauty videos, then probably put on Penny Dreadful while I roast some coffee. This may go up later than usual because I feel like I don’t have a lot to ramble about right now.

I’m so sleepy right now and it’s making me very anxious. I really want to go back to sleep. I actually could fall asleep right now. I’m cozy and I should probably get uncozy and do things, but I probably won’t. At least not until my boyfriend weighs out the beans to be roasted. I’m thinking about all these things I should do, but there is no should, either I do it or I don’t. I had coffee, I took all my meds (including my stimulants), and I still feel like I’m in a brain fog. I feel a migraine coming on and I feel like crying. Also, it’s that time of the month, so that could really be what’s getting to me. I feel bad, but I also don’t.

Okay, it’s been real rambly. I’m now roasting and I feel a little bit better. Let’s take advantage of that. I spent most of my day so far making my birthday wish list and some other lists. I use Shoptagr (not sponsored at all). I really like the app, especially the plugin on chrome. For a while I stopped using it because I wasn’t interested in buying things. Now though, I want all the things. I can’t buy them though, but I can look and it makes me feel better to make the list because it gives me the illusion that I might get it one day. Anyway, my birthday list, there’s nothing exceptional on it, but it gives me something to look forward to. Mostly because my birthday probably won’t be celebrated the way that I’m used to. I love my birthday like I love it, but this year is different. I don’t know how you’re supposed to plan a birthday in quarantine. I’ll have to figure it out. I only have a few friends, so it wouldn’t be anything big. Still, I want to have a semi-okay birthday which I’m sure I will.

I really don’t have anything interesting to say today. I think it’ll be a kind of lazy day. Anyway, here’s your fill of weekly rambles!

Weekly Wrap-Up

It’s that time of the week. First things first, I think you should you that my dog is very happy right now. I just let her out of the room, I keep her in there while I work out in the morning. Anyway, she’s happy to be awake. Me? Not so much. I worked out and made coffee and now I’m here. So, how was my week? It was interesting. I had a kind of breakdown yesterday morning. I didn’t want my boyfriend to know I was crying, so I ran into the bathroom and started hysterically crying. I’m not going to get into the circumstances why that happened, but it did. It really exhausted me. So I had a mini self-care day. I showered and did my nails, and just let myself relax a little bit. That’s my version of self-care.

Anyway, the rest of the week, I didn’t cry besides yesterday, which in my book is a win. We only got one big order from our sale, which was kind of disappointing. I have to roast that today. I did not write my business plan like I had planned on doing. I also didn’t finish writing my work blog. I almost had a manic episode Tuesday morning. I also did tons of work yesterday after I cried it out. It’s funny how during the week I’ll think to myself, I need to write this in Saturday’s blog post, but when I sit here I can’t remember.

I think I’ll list somethings that I’ve been loving this week:

• I’ve been loving drinking our Ethiopian coffee. It’s always been my favorite, but I’ve been more mindful and actually being tasting the coffee. If that makes sense to anyone. I also love adding Ethiopian espresso into my regular coffee, with a splash of Silk Almond milk creamer (caramel). It’s just a perfect way to start my morning. If you want me to go more indepth about coffee and the different types we like, just let me know!
• Vans Gluten Free pancakes! They are an acquired taste, but they’re a good option if I want something quick that I know I’ll enjoy. They’re microwavable, so if you’re not crazy about microwaveable pancakes, then maybe skip these. I’m gluten free for health reasons.
• Talking to my animals as if they were people. I mean, I’ve loved doing for as long as I’ve had them. I have one cat named Bruce (after Bruce Wayne) and a dog named Roxy, but we call her a million different names, the most popular one is Peapie. As my boyfriend says “we only use her given name when she has done something that she shouldn’t have”. Which is very rare. Unless our neighbors dogs are outside, then it’s pretty normal. She doesn’t get along with other dogs. Anyway, I constantly love talking to them like they’re people. Oh! Also, they’re my boyfriends animals, we brought them up here two years ago from North Carolina. They quickly stole my heart and I adopted them as my own.
• Podcasts! I’ve been vibing podcasts for a few weeks now. I went through a phase where all I listened to was podcasts, then I stopped. Now I’m back. My favorites right now are: Start Inspired, I Weigh, Approachable, and very specific episodes of The Joe Rogan Experience. Now you may be asking yourself, how in the world do I listen to that many podcasts in one week? And my answer is, I am constantly listening to them. I listen to them while I workout, while I work, while I write, while I roast, and when I’m driving.
• Finally, Penny Dreadful. I just started it this week and I’m only 3 episodes in, but it is so good. Very intense and not for the faint of heart, but it’s really good and I highly recommend. I have to be in a specific mood to watch it though. If I’m anxious, I can’t do it.

Anyway, that’s just kind of a wrap up, I’m not sure if I’ll do this format every week I’m still trying to figure out this type of post. Have a great Saturday! I’ll see you tomorrow for another post of Sunday Rambles!

Weekly Wrap-up

Hi! This is the first day I’m writing a post that isn’t going to be a pre-written post. I’m going to try and make Saturday’s a weekly wrap-up, the keyword there is try.

Anyway, how was my week? It was okay. Which for me it a pretty good feat. My moods weren’t as erratic, I’ve also stuck to my routine for the second week in a row. I haven’t done all the things I wanted to add, like putting on makeup or drink more water. I think Thursday was the low point of the week, it was a wash. Even my boyfriend agreed, it was a wash for him as well. I also have some morning anxiety after my routine has wound down, the type of anxiety that’s like, if I get off this couch I’m going to have a panic attack. I would have something that I really wanted to do, but I would stay on the couch in my safe zone.

So yesterday was a long day. I had a lot of work to get done, but also things I wanted to accomplish on a personal level. I needed to just focus on work yesterday, I had a lot of work to do. I had to cut my personal stuff, which made me upset. It was what I had to do though. I have work that I have to do every day, but there are some days where there’s extra work, and I have to prioritize.

I really need to keep track of what I already posted through the week, so I’m not being repetitive. On my list of ideas for what to write about for my weekly wrap up, it literally says, what I did. I’m looking at it and thinking to myself, what does that even mean. I can’t even remember what day it is let alone keep track of everything I do.

Actually something I found this week that I’m thoroughly enjoying, it’s an energy drink. I hate energy drinks, they always make me feel sick because of the fake sugar. This one however, doesn’t make me sick, and it’s glorious. It’s called Celsius and honestly, it’s amazing. I’ve only tried two flavors, so I can only say that the watermelon flavor has my stamp of approval. So try it or don’t just figure I’d share. Another thing is that I’ve started reading another book called Average is the New Awesome, and so far it’s really making sense to me. I’m enjoying it so far. As I read more I’ll write something about it.

On the agenda for today is, to start working on our business plan, work on the blog post for work, and stay off my phone. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but I have no idea how to write a business plan so who knows how long it’s going to take. I have a very strong work ethic, so I’ll start and I’ll make it work.

I’m going to try and make my Saturday and Sunday posts real-time posts. So, stay tuned for tomorrow.

A Few Early Morning Thoughts

It’s currently 7:11 am, I’ve been up since 5:45. I’m writing this on the morning of mothers day, but I’m not sure when this will go up. What’s on my mind this morning? Well, I’m trying to convince myself that it’s okay to take a day off from exercising, I’ve been doing small workouts every morning for the past week. I have the mindset right now that it takes X amount of days to create a habit. So I figured that if I worked out everyday for that amount of days, I would get into the habit. I know I can’t push myself too hard though, some days your body needs a break. I did stretch, so that’s something.

Also, I’m very excited to give my mom her gifts. I’m not going to say what they are in case I decide that I want to post this, this morning. I’m also thinking about setting some goals for this week. The only issue is that, sometimes when I set goals I put too much pressure on myself to do them. Maybe if I do set these goals it will be a good exercise for not putting this pressure on myself. Like, tell myself, it’s okay if you don’t get all of these things done this week, it’s okay. Maybe I’ll try it this week, just set some small goals, for example; exercise four times this week or post on my business social media six days this week and try and schedule those posts early. Things like that. Or my absolute least favorite thing to do, is do the dishes. I know I should probably do dishes more than once a week, but I just hate it so much. So, I’ll start with dishes once a week, including putting them away. Yeah, I’ll start with those. Just some basic things.

I’m currently listening to a podcast, as I now do every morning, I’m listening to Start Inspired, which is a podcast by one of my favorite YouTubers Samantha March. It really is an inspiring podcast, I highly recommend. The other podcast I like to listen to in the morning is Approachable with another YouTuber, Samantha Ravndahl and her friend Alyssa. (I’m not sure how to tag the podcasts Approachable  and Start Inspired) That may or may not work. If it doesn’t I’ll find a way to link them. So, those the podcasts I’m loving right now.

Last night my mom’s side of the family did a Google Meetup. It was my first time doing that in this quarantine, and I loved it. Being able to see the people I love and just have a chat, it was easy breezy. I’d love to do it again.

Anyway, this got a lot more ramblely than I planned, but that’s just how I am in the morning. Like I said, I’m not sure when this is going up, but I’m writing it on Sunday morning, so I’ll try and update on some things I touched on.