Brain Dump

I know I’ve been inconsistent and I’m not going to lie and say that I will start being consistent soon, because I really don’t know. I’m still grieving and some days are better than others. I’m really trying to change my mindset in a lot of facets of my life. i know today is supposed to be a weekly wrap-up. Honestly though, I didn’t even realize today was Saturday. My anxiety is at about a 6 right now, but I’m trying very hard to not let it get to me, the anxiety I mean. I know it’s not easy to control anxiety, it usually works better to just let it consume me and just live with the anxiety. I’m trying to not be like that anymore. I’m trying everything I can think of to counteract the anxiety that’s trying to consume me. Nothing on tv is interesting me though. So I went with my good old podcasts. I have the feeling that I want to cry, but that really won’t help the situation.

I’m very bored, there’s a million things I could be doing, but I just don’t want to. I have this feeling that I have to be proactive and constantly be doing things. I’m not sure why I am that way. I really just want to be able to let the things that I can’t control go, and just focus on what I need during that time I use to heal. I just feel so lost. Nothing feels right, right now. My boyfriend has a new project he’s working on and I have nothing. I want to be able to throw part of myself into this blog, but I just feel like I don’t have it in me fully. I really want to though. So, if you have any tips about how to do that, please share. Because I have an abundance of time, I’m healing though. I can’t use that as an excuse or a crutch for everything though. Like I used my bipolar for a very long time. I didn’t accept it and take control, so I just used it as an excuse. I did that for way too long, because I started seeing myself as just being bipolar and that it defined me, but that’s not true. Bipolar is part of me, but that doesn’t mean I’ll let it define me.

I need to relight the fire I had inside myself. It’s dimmed to an ember, but it’s still burning, I just need to add fuel. I’m not really sure how to do that, but I’ll do it. Someway, somehow. I need to get my creative juices flowing. I feel like something will click and I’ll slowly start to feel inspired and better. Between bouts of extreme anxiety, hopefully I’ll feel like creating something, and the bouts of anxiety will become less extreme and things will slowly get back to an equilibrium.

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Sundays are for New Things

I got my new Amazon Kindle Fire 8 in the mail yesterday! It made a bit of a bad day better. It gave me a distraction from an issue that had upset me greatly. Anyway so far it’s great. I had a 6 year old Ipad mini, and it stopped letting me update apps, so I decided it was time to move on to something a little more up to date. The fire 8 was only $80, which really isn’t bad for what you get. I also did monthly payments of $16, the only issue I ran into was that, there are ads, and the only way to get rid of those ads is to pay an extra $15, which I think is ridiculous. I mean for $80, I’ll take it.

I was going back and fourth with weather or not I wanted to actually get it. I’m a very frugal person, and spending money is not my favorite thing to do. I mean, yeah, I like having new things, but I always have buyers remorse. No matter what. To the point where I won’t buy things I need or I’ll just put it off until after I actually needed to buy it. For example, I wear contacts, and I felt bad asking for someone to buy them for me because I felt they were too expensive. So, I wore the free pair that I got from the eye doctor to death. My boyfriend made me wear my glasses and throw out the contacts until we could afford to buy the six month supply. I hate wearing my glasses, so it was not an enjoyable 3 weeks.

Anyway, after going back and fourth for a few days, I finally decided to just buy the new tablet, and I’m glad I did. I get all my apps, including wordpress, I get kindle, and audible. All things amazon. Also, my boyfriend added me to his prime so I get all the perks of that. Which also means I get to listen to all the audible books he has, and he has a lot. Right now I’m listening to Star Trek: Discovery. I also got a few new books, for free, the on I’m reading now it called Salt & Stone. Which is about mermaids and I have a fascination with mermaids.

Needless to say, I’m very happy with my purchase, well so far, so good. I’ve only had it for a day and I feel like it’s already paid for itself. I was super anxious earlier, so I put on my favorite music and read my book, and it was all in one place. I didn’t have to worry about having a million and one things surrounding me and getting caught up in cords and such, it was really nice and convenient. If it can help me beat anxiety like this on a regular basis, I’ll be very happy. So, I’ll see how it goes from here!

Wildfire

It’s crazy how something’s can happen so close to you, but you can’t grasp just how heavy they are. There’s a wildfire near Sedona Arizona raging on right now and right down the road, not to far away is me. I understand the urgency and concept of it, but for some reason the actual weight of it is just out of my reach. Maybe it’s because I feel helpless in the situation or maybe because I just, genuinely, can’t grasp it. I can’t wrap my mind around the proximity and how the fire rages on. As if it’s happening in a world apart from my own. I just can’t figure it out.
Wildfires are always bad, the damage and the effects can be devastating. The issue that this one raises is, was it man made or natural. Did some one start a fire and let it burn into a brush fire that expanded? Did they just watch as it burned? Or did it just start, naturally? But isn’t that always the issue with a wildfire? It can be started so easily, but it can take 500 men to put it out.
There’s this wildfire, and it rages, and I just don’t understand what I don’t understand about it. Maybe in a way, I’m like the wildfire and I just can’t figure out what the two have in common.