Sunday Rants

Grab a snack, grab a drink, it’s time for a rant!

It’s 3:00 on Sunday afternoon, I’m cranky, hungry, anxious, and irritable, I also have a slight migraine. So, needless to say, I’m not having a great day, I mean, it’s not the worst, but it could 100% be going better. I got up around 7:40, watched some youtube, scrolled on some social media, waited for my boyfriend to wake up. By time he woke up, I was already anxious. We had planned on cleaning today and I already felt overwhelmed by it. To say the least, our apartment is a mess. It is extremely overwhelming, like I want to clean, but I look at all the stuff that has to be done, and I start panicking, so I don’t do it. The main thing I have issues with, is the dishes. I know, I know, it seems like something basic and minimal, like, just do it. We have no where to put our dishes though, so if I wash them, they just sit until we use them, then we use them, they sit in the sink until I do them, so it’s just like a vicious cycle. I hate it. There are other things I could do that I don’t find as daunting, but I just can’t seem to do it.

So, instead of cleaning earlier, I went to ulta with my best friend. I got an eye shadow palette I’ve been wanting, a lip gloss, and a primer. I felt guilty afterwards, feeling like I shouldn’t have spent the money. That just added to how I had already been feeling. I also felt pretty down last night after I posted, like really down, negative self talk and all. So, I dealt with that, went to sleep, woke up, and today is another day..to feel bad.

I’ve been feeling okay for the most part, it’s just the past few days. I’m irritated that I’ve had a migraine for the past three days, that we got nothing done today, and that I spent money that I feel like I shouldn’t have. I’m also waiting on and amazon order, which is taking forever, so I’m just basically annoyed by everything. Also, I hate change, and my boyfriend has been moving a bunch of stuff around in our living room, making me very anxious. So, basically this is just a long rant about how I’ve been feeling the past few days.

I’m waiting on my amazon order which is just some beauty stuff that I thought I needed, but I keep asking myself, do I actually need it? I got multiples of pretty much everything, because I’m notorious for losing most things beauty related. Hair ties, my favorite hair clips, lip balm, makeup brushes, you name it, I lose it. So, I do actually need the things that I got, they’re things I use on a regular basis and lose, on a regular basis.

I need to find something new to do with my time. I watch a lot of youtube, but I can’t keep doing it. There are other things I could do, read, write listen to an audio book or music. The possibilities are endless! I choose to not do them though, because they’re out of my comfort zone and cause anxiety. And what do I do when something makes me anxious? Avoid it. I can’t avoid everything though, that doesn’t mean I won’t try. So, I’m going to go avoid cleaning some more and keep watching youtube.

End Rant.

I’ve been thinking

A lot the past few days.

About how, I want to do something important, something that matters, something that will influence other people. I watch a lot of beauty videos on YouTube, and it hit me, that they have such a huge platform, they have the ability to do something. They choose to do the things they do and for that I’m thankful. Because I watch them a lot and by a lot I mean a lot. Watching YouTube is my escape and I’m constantly looking for an escape from my bipolar. Being bipolar, I have different struggles from other people, certain things are more difficult for me, but everyone has their own struggle and issues, I don’t want to take away from that.

This escape, is turning into sort of an inspiration, not that I’m going to stop everything I’m doing and become start doing YouTube full time. I mean, I want to find my own little space where I can have an impact on people. I know I can do that by telling my story or maybe whatever I do can become an escape for someone else, like YouTube is for me. I want to be a safe space, I want people to be able to come to me as they are and leave a little bit more…something. I don’t know, inspired, heard, maybe they found something that relates to them. I want to help people and I want to do it sooner rather thank later, I want to start now. The thing is though, I have to learn to be patient, creating a platform, it takes time, it takes grit. I have grit and I have time, I don’t have patience. That’s a big flaw that I have. I have to learn to move past it though. Because a platform isn’t just going to appear out of thin air, I have to create it. I have to clear out my own little space in the world. It’s a journey it’s not magic.

I’ve been extremely blessed my whole life. I don’t want to waste that, I have had experiences and opportunities that other people don’t get. Yes, I have bipolar. What I do with that, is what matters. Do I give up and give into the disorder? Do I take it as just another obstacle and use it to grow? I guess it depends on the day. Some days I want to give in, hide and do nothing, other days, I want to be productive and just do everything. I suppose that’s the nature of the disorder. The point, is to find a happy medium. I need to find that. I want to find that. I want to find that space and just live there. Find it and so everything I can to stay there. Then from there, keep rising. Grow and learn and create. That’s where the platform will come from and that is where I will find my niche. That’s where I will live.