Long time no type

So, it’s been quite awhile and some things have happened. Hopefully I can remember it all, because things happen and I want to blog about them, but when I sit down to write I forget all the things I want to write.

Let’s see, where to begin. Maybe I’ll work backwards from now until Taylor Swifts latest album release. I’ve been going through all the emotions. Mostly anxiety, constant, persistent, sometimes crippling, anxiety. I kind of feel like my new medication has sucked some of my creativity out of me. I don’t have any inspiration. Any time I think about writing I just find it uninteresting. I love writing. So, I guess I have to decide if that’s a trade off I’m willing to work with. I feel pretty good on it, but things just don’t feel interesting. Nothing sounds, good or fun. It’s just kind of meh. I’m not sure if there’s a solution to that. I mean, there probably is, I just haven’t found it yet. I’ve only been on the medication for about a month, but it was supposed to start working right away. If there’s a task I actually need to do or want to do, I can do it without an issue, but for now I have to deal with the lack of inspiration and need to be creative. Which is very frustrating. I figure writing a blog post would be the easiest to write because I can take a topic and write about it. When I write fiction the ideas have to flow from inside of me. And that just isn’t happening. I’m going to start trying to write more.

My school situation is weird for me this semester. I’m taking two zero credit classes, so I don’t actually have any work to do. I was actually looking forward to school because I wanted some sort of structure, but that went out the window. I’m not good at sticking to routines. I don’t like that, that’s how I am, but I’m not good a sticking with things in general. Working out, writing, reading, any type of craft project. I know that’s a habit I can change, but I don’t know how. Especially because my moods are so erratic. I’ll wake up one morning and be fine, but my mood will decline. I get burnt out pretty easily and discouraged. I was hoping that this medication would help, but so far it hasn’t.

The thing is that, life can be unpredictable. Like, my birthday was about two weeks ago and that didn’t go as planned. I got a belly button infection. I choked on a bagel and my boyfriend had to give me the Heimlich, which caused me that have rib and back pain. So, there really isn’t much I can do. Also, my dog had to have surgery yesterday which was nerve wracking (She is home now, everything went amazing and she’s resting comfortably). All in all I’m just in physical discomfort and that usually has an effect on my mood. I’m only comfortable if I sit in certain positions because of my ribs.

I know I should try and think positively, but at this point I’ve accepted that I’m mostly a pessimist. I worry and panic easily, I always think about the worst thing that could happen first, and I’m usually the first to jump to conclusions. I haven’t really been enjoying any shows or books or anything really so I don’t have any thing to recommend. Also, the business is being slow because of the pandemic. So, if someone were to ask me how I was handling the pandemic, I would answer, not well. I’m doing the best I can, well I think so anyway. I feel like I can be productive today, but we’ll see. Fingers crossed that I’ll have enough energy or general will power to update tomorrow.

Catching Up

I feel like it’s been quite sometime since I posted here. Well, I suppose it really has been. I needed a bit of a break after the death of my grandmother. I’m back now, well I’m going to try and be.

Honestly, nothing much has happened in the past month or so. I’ve been stuck in the house. I just wanted to write a little bit about how COVID has affected my mental health. I am easily triggered, and will quickly have a mood swing after the initial trigger. So, being stuck in the apartment you would think that I would be able to avoid triggers, that is not the case though. I am easily triggered by videos and sometimes pictures. Also, by the emotions of the people around me. Since my boyfriend and I are spending every single second of every single day together, it’s almost impossible to not feed off of each others emotions. So, I’ll get triggered by something, then he’ll feel my stress and it’ll possibly trigger him. It’s a very delicate system.

Also, the business has not been doing the best. Due to COVID, people just aren’t buying our products. We try so hard. The lack of orders and work to do leaves me very anxious and bored and then I panic because I feel like I should be doing work, when there’s no work to be done. It’s all very frustrating. I have a very strong work ethic so when I don’t have something to focus my energy on, I get severe, debilitating anxiety. I tell my doctors and they try to help me and give me advice, but the bottom line is that we can’t adjust my meds. So, it’s basically me against myself. In my head. All day everyday. I’ve been manic a few times, down, but not truly depressed, but mostly the anxiety. Except yesterday I felt extremely unstable. I don’t know what happened, but something tipped the scales. I feel like I need to channel my energy. I’ve been writing a lot of fiction, but I’ve kind of run out of inspiration.

I know they say that you have to write even when you don’t feel like it or if you don’t feel inspired. I just can’t seem to push myself though. Everything just feels off. Probably because no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’ve found that; no matter how much you try, it’s almost impossible to move forward when the world is standing still. Because we are still in the middle of a pandemic and things don’t seem to be getting better. I feel like there is no hope. Like I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even as I write this I feel a sense of panic. Everything is a struggle. It also doesn’t help that it’s like a sauna in my apartment.

I honestly am doing the best that I can. I just keep forgetting to remind myself of that. Sometimes, doing the best that you can is enough. Even if all that you do is get out of bed. I had a pretty strict morning routine, but somewhere along the way it fell to the wayside. I wish that hadn’t happened, but it did. I know not to beat myself up about it, but it’s difficult.

So, COVID has not given me any more drive, it hasn’t really done anything productive for me. I’m hoping I can start feeling better today and get back into blogging. I’ve really missed this.

Sunday Rambles Pt. 2

I’m a little late this morning. This morning was very eventful. I slept in, in the bed, then I moved on to the couch, and fell asleep, then I woke up, made coffee, killed a spider and then went and ate some pancakes. That’s my morning so far. I’m going to write this, watch some beauty videos, then probably put on Penny Dreadful while I roast some coffee. This may go up later than usual because I feel like I don’t have a lot to ramble about right now.

I’m so sleepy right now and it’s making me very anxious. I really want to go back to sleep. I actually could fall asleep right now. I’m cozy and I should probably get uncozy and do things, but I probably won’t. At least not until my boyfriend weighs out the beans to be roasted. I’m thinking about all these things I should do, but there is no should, either I do it or I don’t. I had coffee, I took all my meds (including my stimulants), and I still feel like I’m in a brain fog. I feel a migraine coming on and I feel like crying. Also, it’s that time of the month, so that could really be what’s getting to me. I feel bad, but I also don’t.

Okay, it’s been real rambly. I’m now roasting and I feel a little bit better. Let’s take advantage of that. I spent most of my day so far making my birthday wish list and some other lists. I use Shoptagr (not sponsored at all). I really like the app, especially the plugin on chrome. For a while I stopped using it because I wasn’t interested in buying things. Now though, I want all the things. I can’t buy them though, but I can look and it makes me feel better to make the list because it gives me the illusion that I might get it one day. Anyway, my birthday list, there’s nothing exceptional on it, but it gives me something to look forward to. Mostly because my birthday probably won’t be celebrated the way that I’m used to. I love my birthday like I love it, but this year is different. I don’t know how you’re supposed to plan a birthday in quarantine. I’ll have to figure it out. I only have a few friends, so it wouldn’t be anything big. Still, I want to have a semi-okay birthday which I’m sure I will.

I really don’t have anything interesting to say today. I think it’ll be a kind of lazy day. Anyway, here’s your fill of weekly rambles!

Weekly Wrap-up

Hi! This is the first day I’m writing a post that isn’t going to be a pre-written post. I’m going to try and make Saturday’s a weekly wrap-up, the keyword there is try.

Anyway, how was my week? It was okay. Which for me it a pretty good feat. My moods weren’t as erratic, I’ve also stuck to my routine for the second week in a row. I haven’t done all the things I wanted to add, like putting on makeup or drink more water. I think Thursday was the low point of the week, it was a wash. Even my boyfriend agreed, it was a wash for him as well. I also have some morning anxiety after my routine has wound down, the type of anxiety that’s like, if I get off this couch I’m going to have a panic attack. I would have something that I really wanted to do, but I would stay on the couch in my safe zone.

So yesterday was a long day. I had a lot of work to get done, but also things I wanted to accomplish on a personal level. I needed to just focus on work yesterday, I had a lot of work to do. I had to cut my personal stuff, which made me upset. It was what I had to do though. I have work that I have to do every day, but there are some days where there’s extra work, and I have to prioritize.

I really need to keep track of what I already posted through the week, so I’m not being repetitive. On my list of ideas for what to write about for my weekly wrap up, it literally says, what I did. I’m looking at it and thinking to myself, what does that even mean. I can’t even remember what day it is let alone keep track of everything I do.

Actually something I found this week that I’m thoroughly enjoying, it’s an energy drink. I hate energy drinks, they always make me feel sick because of the fake sugar. This one however, doesn’t make me sick, and it’s glorious. It’s called Celsius and honestly, it’s amazing. I’ve only tried two flavors, so I can only say that the watermelon flavor has my stamp of approval. So try it or don’t just figure I’d share. Another thing is that I’ve started reading another book called Average is the New Awesome, and so far it’s really making sense to me. I’m enjoying it so far. As I read more I’ll write something about it.

On the agenda for today is, to start working on our business plan, work on the blog post for work, and stay off my phone. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but I have no idea how to write a business plan so who knows how long it’s going to take. I have a very strong work ethic, so I’ll start and I’ll make it work.

I’m going to try and make my Saturday and Sunday posts real-time posts. So, stay tuned for tomorrow.

Coffee Chat, Kind Of

Happy Fri-yay! I’m sitting here drinking my coffee, todays drink of choice is a redeye (a regular coffee with a shot of espresso) made with my company’s coffee. The coffee is an Indonesian and the espresso is an Ethiopian. Also, in case you were wondering I do drink my coffee with creamer. I know, I own a coffee business I should be drinking my coffee black, but I just prefer it with creamer. Now that my daily coffee of choice is out of the way. I’m writing this on Tuesday morning, I told myself I wouldn’t write today, that I would give myself a break, but here I am. I told myself I have posts ready to go until Thursday, so there was no need to worry about blogging today. I just have some thoughts though, so I figured I would write them down.

As I sit here I’m very hungry, but I’m weird in the way that I don’t like to eat and drink coffee at the same time. In my newly formed morning routine though coffee comes before food. I’m not entirely sure why I did it that way. I’m not as exhausted as I felt yesterday (Monday). At least not yet. I have therapy today, I’m going to talk about my go hard or go home attitude when it comes to making routines or setting goals.

Okay, I’m back with another cup of coffee. I like to listen to podcasts in the morning, so, I like to sit at my kitchen table, drink my coffee, and do whatever I feel like I need to do. I’ve been up since 6:20 and I’ve just been feeling lazy. I just feel like there’s so much to do this morning. I have this laundry list of things I feel like I have to complete, but they should just be things I would like to complete. I don’t want to put the pressure on myself, because what I have to do really revolves around blogging. I have some projects and in regards to this blog, it will happen with time and hard work, I also need to do work in regards to my business blog. Even though that blog will only go up once a week I want to have those posts prepared about five days in advance Mostly so my boyfriend can edit it. I’ll probably just spend the day researching and planning.

I started this book yesterday called Be Mighty by Jill A. Stoddard. It has to do with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Honestly, I’m only on chapter two, but I’m so glad I found this book. You know when books have those “exercises” within these self-improvement books? Well if you’re like me you usually skip over them and just keep reading, but I’m not doing that this time. I’m actually doing the exercises and I really feel like I’m going to get a lot out of this book. I’m very excited to see where it takes me. I already have my next book I’m going to read and I’m excited about that one too. For pleasure reading, I’m reading The Iliad and The Odyessy. I love Greek mythology. Just a little fact about me.

So, if you’re looking for a coffee recommendation or a book recommendation, I highly recommend what I wrote about today. Have a great day!

Lazy Daze, but Not

You know when you want to want to do things, but you really don’t want to? Yeah, that’s me. It’s like when I say “I feel bad, but I don’t..” my boyfriend calls it babe logic. It’s because I can’t explain what I’m feeling, because it’s one of those in between feelings, like melancholy. Because I’m not really sad. Anyway, today is a day where I feel relatively okay, I want to do things, but I’m not having any motivation or direction. I just kind of want to be, just sit and be melancholy. I know I should do something to try and remedy it, but I kind of don’t want to. I want to start actually feeling my feelings and not just medicalizing them as symptoms.

I feel very melancholy right now. I’ve been listening to podcasts all day and it was a nice change to having youtube videos constantly on in the background. I’ve been into more non-fiction topics lately. The podcasts are real people, talking about real topics, sharing their real stories. Some of the things they talk about are just digging deep. I’m not sure why I made the switch from fiction to non-fiction, but I’m glad I did. It makes me feel less alone, I’m also learning a ton, and they all make me think.

Anyway, it looks like I have a lazy day ahead of me. Not a lazy day as in, I accomplished so much yesterday that I need to take the day off. Even though I did do a fair amount yesterday, but I always feel like I should be doing something. Like I should when I have energy, I feel like I should make up for all times that I was too anxious or depressed or just down, to do. But those days that I was feeling that way, they’re gone, there may not even be a point in doing the things I was supposed to do, because it’s past a deadline or I didn’t follow up with someone that I should have. So, today really isn’t a lazy day, but it’s also not, not a lazy day. If that makes any sense at all.

I’ve made the decision to pre-write some posts, because it does make me feel kind of accomplished, and it gives me a creative outlet. So if the tenses or times are weird in later posts, that’s why. I really want to take a nap, but that’s not a good idea, because whenever I take a nap I always feel worse after. So, I’m doing what I can to keep myself awake. It’s not like I haven’t been sleeping well, I’ve been sleeping pretty well considering all the emotions I’ve been feeling. It’s like I’m mini-cycling. As in, I’m bipolar, and I’m cycling but at a very minimal level. Like, I can’t find a happy medium, there is no neutral, it’s good mood or meh mood. Maybe I’ll write a post about being “meh”…time will tell. Regardless, I don’t necessarily feel bad today, but I’m also not in a good mood. I’ve been up since 5:30 am, I would usually exercise a little bit, but not this morning because I was having stomach pain last night, and I didn’t want to push it. So, I stretched, made coffee, scrolled through socials, had a phone session with my doctor. I mean, when I look at it on paper, it seems like I got a lot done. Especially for someone coming out of a severe depression, but I feel like it’s not enough. Because after the phone session I really didn’t do anything.

So the question is: lazy daze? or nah?

It’s Been Awhile/Tough Love

Hiiiiii. I know, it’s been a minute I posted, but lots of things have happened. I don’t even know where to start. I’ll just start with the more recent events and as things come to me, I’ll write them down. So, until about two weeks ago I was severely depressed. The days were just running together. I was having dark thoughts, I wasn’t eating, I was weepy and apathetic. The usual. Also, I was isolating (as much as I could) in isolation. I would sit on the couch away from my boyfriend, and just stare at the TV, nothing made me happy. Then flashback to two weeks ago, my boyfriend brought me back to reality, he said what I needed to hear. They may not have been things I wanted to hear, and I cried, but it snapped me right out of the depression. He basically said that my perspective was too focused on myself, I know, I know, it sounds like it could be mean or unnecessary. He said it with love though, it was tough love for sure, but it was loving. I’m so lucky to have him, and that’s even an understatement.

I’ve lost count of the days we’ve been in isolation, they’re all running together. Like this morning, I was texting my best friend and I honestly thought today was Wednesday. When I was depressed, I lost all inspiration. I should have been posting on social media for the business, but I just couldn’t, I wasn’t able to choose what I wanted to post or how to word it, so I figured there was no point. Because of the virus things had slowed down for business. Which was irritating because we had just started to gain momentum, followers, people buying the coffee, events, but that all stopped. So, what are you supposed to do when that happens? We tried to do what we could to keep busy, but when there comes a point where you can’t create things to do anymore, there’s nothing you can really do. Positive thinking was not on my mind when quarantine started, I was scared of the uncertainty of the world around me. I spiraled.

The last two weeks have been much better, I changed my thinking. For example, when I say that I feel bad, I just think to myself that “you feel bad right now, and that’s okay because this won’t last forever.” So basically, if you get knocked down, or feel bad or anything negative, you can sit with that and feel that, but you can’t live there. I’m not trying to say, if you feel bad you can just pull yourself out of it. We’re all different, what mindset works for me, may not work for you. I may be able to say those things to myself and accept my feelings, but maybe you can’t. That’s okay, find something though, find something to believe in.

Speaking of things to believe in, I’ve been trying to become my spiritual, and find my path to something more concrete to believe in. I don’t mean concrete in the sense that I want a strict religion to follow, I just want some loose guidelines. The path I have chosen to explore is paganism and wicca. I’m still learning and reading, watching videos, and just finding out what they believe and how they embody their beliefs. I’ve found that you can practice in your own specific way, in private or openly, there is the Wiccan Rede, which is something that attracted me to it, it aligned with my beliefs. It’s like I was looking for something, and I believe I found it for a reason. I won’t go into it too much though. I’m still exploring.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading. I actually decided to read a book about the basics of physics, and I found it very interesting. I’m also in the middle of a book about the actual existence of Atlantis, which is something I’ve always wanted to read up on. Also, I’ve actually chosen to read a philosophy book. I took a lot of philosophy courses in the past semesters, and I was forced to read philosophy, but I’ve somehow found an interest in it, where I actually want to read it. It’s different when you have the ability to choose to read about a subject, then when you are given the material to read, when you’re told, you must read this to pass this class. I actually took the semester off to work on the business, and then COVID-19 hit. Which now that I’m writing, this time off has given me the opportunity to study and explore and just find passions.

Well, I think that’s it for now. If you read this whole rambling thing, I thank you. I promise I will try and write more. Let me leave you with this: Go out and explore everything. By go out, I mean read books or watch videos about things that you’re kind of interested in, you never know what type of passions you’ll find.

It’s 3 PM Somewhere

Everyday, without fail, at 3 o’clock every afternoon, I hit a wall, no matter what. I get so anxious and panicky, I feel suffocated, my mood dips severely. I can be in the best mood all day, but once 3 hits, I’m done. The minutes start going slower and I feel like I’m not going to make it to the end of the day. Somehow though, I usually make it. Sometimes, it’s just so unbearable that I can’t stay at work.

I don’t know how I do it. I suppose it takes some sort of inner strength. Something bigger is driving me, whether it’s getting a better GPA, or in the case of summer, money. Also, I have an hour quota I have to meet for my internship, so once I meet that, I can stop working. So, as of right now, I have 104 hours left, so I’m hoping I’ll be done in  about three weeks. The thing is, that, that all looks good on paper, but my anxiety has a mind of it’s own. Because for me to be done in three weeks, I have to work my regular hours, so n leaving early, coming in late, or taking long lunches. All things I do. I need to push myself to actually stick to my work schedule, because all the things I do now, probably won’t fly in the real world.

I feel like right now, I’m in a little bubble. The bubble that is my home town. I live around the corner from where I work, my mom is my boss, my barista knows my coffee order, and my best friends aren’t very far away. Boy, am I going to have a shock when I move. Which I 100% plan on doing within the next few years. Before that, the thing that pops my bubble, is school. I have to drive all the way to the opposite end of the island for classes. They also give me that 3 PM feeling, even when it’s not 3 PM yet. I hit a lull hard when I’m on campus, and I can’t not be on campus. I’m left with all upper division classes, so I have to go to class. Which means leaving my comfort zone, at least a few days a week. You think it would be easier by now, that I wouldn’t get so uncomfortable going to school, but even after all these semesters, it hasn’t gotten easier.

Bipolar and anxiety often inhibit me, which I know isn’t good. It makes me want to stay in my bubble, but then sometimes, I get so anxious or have an episode while inside my little bubble, that I just want to leave. I want to get out of here sometimes, I want to escape the 3 PM feeling, because sometimes I have that feeling all the time. Just the suffocating, panicky feeling. I need to find a way to cope, especially at work. I’ll start with finding coping mechanisms for work, then I’ll find some for school. Because what’s important now, is getting my hours done.

Fridays, Fridays, are No Fun

When you have heat exhaustion and can’t leave the house.

Now, how does one get heat exhaustion without actually going on into the heat, you ask? Well, apparently, when you don’t drink enough fluids or electrolytes, and sweat as much as I do (which is a lot) your body gets dehydrated and you start to feel horrible. (The science-y part is from my boyfriend, the feeling horrible part is from me). Anyway, I woke up with a migraine, I went to work, and the migraine got worse, I started feeling clammy, and nauseous. I was shaking, to the point where I couldn’t even drive home. So, my boyfriend came and got me, got me fluids and electrolytes, and had me sit in the cool and dark room. I finished my first drink, and the shaking was gone, I’m about half way through my second one, but the migraine still lingers. Now, when I get migraines, I pretty much can’t function, unless I’m sitting in a dark room with barely any noise. Which in turn means no work. Because of fluorescent lights and such.

I feel like I can’t even leave the house now, with out feeling like this. So now I’m anxious to leave the house because of mental and physical reasons, which is fantastic, especially on a Friday when I have things to do. Except, leaving the house isn’t really an option at this point, especially with a lingering migraine, on the tail end of this heat exhaustion. So, here I am, typing this, on my phone, because I don’t want to use the computer. This really sucks.

Friday, it’s supposed to be Fri-yay! Alas, not today. The last time I had a migraine I referred to myself as devils snare (from Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone) which is the plant that hates sunlight. It needs cool and dark spaces, which is me, essentially. Not by choice, more by necessity. I mean, I guess that’s what happens when you’ve had 5 concussions, suffer from severe migraines, and sweat so much that you’ll get heat exhaustion from doing nothing. That’s where I’m at now. Having a not fun Friday, but hoping to have a better day tomorrow.

Wednesday’s: An Unpopular Opinion

Ahh Wednesday. My least favorite day of the week.

I was getting my $5 iced coffee this morning and the barista asked if I wanted an large or an extra large iced coffee. I replied, that it was the worst day of the week, so let’s go for an extra large. She was in a little bit of disbelief that Wednesday was my least favorite day of the week.

I mean, yeah, Monday’s suck, but it’s the beginning of the week, and you anticipate that it’s going to be an annoying day, but you power though. Wednesday’s on the other hand, it’s the middle of the week, it’s still two days from Friday, it just makes you realize just how slowly the week is going by. I, personally, feel that it goes by much slower than any other day, and nothing interesting usually happens. At least for me anyway. A side note, my best friend agrees, in her words from a text this morning, “Monday’s suck, but Wednesday’s suck worse.” So there’s that.

For example today, I was going through files from like 10 years ago looking for specific things. There’s like 200 files. Filing cabinets on filing cabinets. It’s so exciting. I mean I do get to pop in my headphones and listen to a book or Spotify if I need some energy, but that only makes it slightly better. Also, nothing interesting did happen at work today, in case you were wondering.

Anyway, I home now. I finally washed my hair, so naturally I’m super anxious now, I feel my heart racing. It still is Wednesday though, so adding a shower into the mix, it didn’t make things any better. We ordered breakfast for dinner, which I got as my treat for doing the mundane tasks that Wednesdays hold. Showering, going through file after file, doing literally anything.

I think I’ll start a petition to make Wednesday’s like a half day at work or free ice cream, I don’t know, something to make the day a little less, Wednesday-like.

Like the title says, Wednesday’s being the worst day of the week, it’s an unpopular opinion. I don’t think anything will change the way I feel about Wednesday. I mean pancakes can’t hurt though.