I’ve been thinking

A lot the past few days.

About how, I want to do something important, something that matters, something that will influence other people. I watch a lot of beauty videos on YouTube, and it hit me, that they have such a huge platform, they have the ability to do something. They choose to do the things they do and for that I’m thankful. Because I watch them a lot and by a lot I mean a lot. Watching YouTube is my escape and I’m constantly looking for an escape from my bipolar. Being bipolar, I have different struggles from other people, certain things are more difficult for me, but everyone has their own struggle and issues, I don’t want to take away from that.

This escape, is turning into sort of an inspiration, not that I’m going to stop everything I’m doing and become start doing YouTube full time. I mean, I want to find my own little space where I can have an impact on people. I know I can do that by telling my story or maybe whatever I do can become an escape for someone else, like YouTube is for me. I want to be a safe space, I want people to be able to come to me as they are and leave a little bit more…something. I don’t know, inspired, heard, maybe they found something that relates to them. I want to help people and I want to do it sooner rather thank later, I want to start now. The thing is though, I have to learn to be patient, creating a platform, it takes time, it takes grit. I have grit and I have time, I don’t have patience. That’s a big flaw that I have. I have to learn to move past it though. Because a platform isn’t just going to appear out of thin air, I have to create it. I have to clear out my own little space in the world. It’s a journey it’s not magic.

I’ve been extremely blessed my whole life. I don’t want to waste that, I have had experiences and opportunities that other people don’t get. Yes, I have bipolar. What I do with that, is what matters. Do I give up and give into the disorder? Do I take it as just another obstacle and use it to grow? I guess it depends on the day. Some days I want to give in, hide and do nothing, other days, I want to be productive and just do everything. I suppose that’s the nature of the disorder. The point, is to find a happy medium. I need to find that. I want to find that. I want to find that space and just live there. Find it and so everything I can to stay there. Then from there, keep rising. Grow and learn and create. That’s where the platform will come from and that is where I will find my niche. That’s where I will live.



It’s crazy how something’s can happen so close to you, but you can’t grasp just how heavy they are. There’s a wildfire near Sedona Arizona raging on right now and right down the road, not to far away is me. I understand the urgency and concept of it, but for some reason the actual weight of it is just out of my reach. Maybe it’s because I feel helpless in the situation or maybe because I just, genuinely, can’t grasp it. I can’t wrap my mind around the proximity and how the fire rages on. As if it’s happening in a world apart from my own. I just can’t figure it out.
Wildfires are always bad, the damage and the effects can be devastating. The issue that this one raises is, was it man made or natural. Did some one start a fire and let it burn into a brush fire that expanded? Did they just watch as it burned? Or did it just start, naturally? But isn’t that always the issue with a wildfire? It can be started so easily, but it can take 500 men to put it out.
There’s this wildfire, and it rages, and I just don’t understand what I don’t understand about it. Maybe in a way, I’m like the wildfire and I just can’t figure out what the two have in common.