Playing Catch Up

I almost went back to bed this morning, but once I realized that it wasn’t 80 degrees in the living room, I jumped at the chance to make a cup of hot coffee. I’m getting a cold brew maker today and I could not be more excited.

This is my alone time, so I figured I would take advantage of the quiet and try and write something. I have a post in mind, but it’s too early to get into that post. So I’m going to do a quick like 3 week, weekly wrap-up.

I’ve spent most of my time mourning and being sad. I cried a lot at first, but that stopped and now I’m just sad. Time is moving so slowly because I feel like it happened so long ago, but it’s been less than a month.

I keep saying I should write down things that happen in my week, but I don’t, then I forget what to write in the weekly wrap-up. I mean, that about sums up my weeks. I haven’t really been loving things because I’ve just been doing random things to distract myself and pass the time, I haven’t really been consistent with anything.

So I’m going to write somethings I’m excited for:

• New Headphones: I’m not sure if I posted the post where I said that my boyfriend says I’m where electronics come to die. Well, he is also tired of me having cheap headphones that constantly break. My train of thought is, if I keep breaking them why buy expensive ones. Anyway, I found a pair of Skullcandy ones that would be perfect for me. They’re coming today! The reason I wanted them was because you can track the individual earbuds with tile. Goodness knows I am constantly losing my wireless headphones. So, I’m just very excited.
• Sailor Moon Lip Gloss- I love makeup so much. I also love Sailor Moon. So when Colourpop released a Sailor Moon collection and I was like NEED. It sold out in just a few minutes though. So when they restocked I knew I needed to get something, and I did. I got the one thing I wanted, which was the single lip gloss named Moon Tiara. I love lip gloss and I can’t wait for that.
• Mini Avocado Eye Shadow Palette- I’ve been obsessed with getting this one mini, green eye shadow palette. I got it. I haven’t used it yet, but I’m so excited to live my best green eye shadow life.
• Salem!- We booked a trip to Salem for the middle of July. It’ll be nice to get away for New York for a little while. We don’t have anything planned which is fine with me.
• Birthday!! I still don’t know what I’m doing for my birthday yet, but I’m so excited. I’ll figure it out between now and August. I just like to have something planned.
• Zoom memorial- We’re doing a zoom memorial for my grandma and I’m looking forward to actually talking about her and her life and just everything.

This is just a few things that I’m looking forward to. It’s the small things that matter.

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Sunday Rambles Pt. 5

It’s early, like 5:20 am early. I got up to go to the bathroom and couldn’t fall back asleep, so right now it’s just me and Bruce. Also, when I woke up I saw that our motion sensor back porch light was on, which is very weird. It doesn’t usually get triggered by animals and I am not going to go investigate. Unless I get too hungry and have to go make waffles downstairs. I’m not there yet, but I’m sure it’ll happen. Actually, it’s fathers day, so I may hold out until my mom makes breakfast. We’ll see how much will-power I have.

Sometimes when I wake up early and decide today is going to be a “maybe” day, I feel a bit more relaxed than usual. Probably because I know I won’t be pushing myself to do thing after thing after thing. Also my dad just wants to do nothing for Father’s Day today. I kinda want to work out, but I also kind of don’t. On another note I just dropped my laptop. I’m not sure if I’ve ever written this, but according to my boyfriend, I am where electronics go to die. I don’t buy new or expensive electronics because they always break on me. I just made my first expensive headphones, I paid a whopping $77. I’m very frugal, so I really had to be pushed to order them, but I finally did, and I’m very excited.

I’m not really tired right now and I need to stay awake. I’ve fallen back into the pattern of falling back asleep on the couch after I wake up and come out the the living room. Well it’s a little while later and I worked out and fell asleep on the couch. I guess that could be considered balance.

It’s very warm in my apartment right now. The only air conditioner is in the bedroom and my boyfriend is sleeping so the door is currently closed. I’m in the living room with two fans trying to keep cool. I’m not very good in the heat because I get really bad migraines if i’m not careful, which I’m usually not. So the name of the game for the rest of the summer is to stay as cool as possible.

As usual I’m the first one up. I don’t even know when anyone else will be awake. I was thinking about going to sit outside and take in the fresh air. I did not do that though. I’m glad I didn’t because it is blazing out there. I mean, I’m not really much cooler where I am now, but still.

It’s that time of the week where I start adding random things to my birthday list. I love makeup, but that’s not all that I want, I can’t think of other things I want though. I want to get things that will better me and help me become better.

On a total other rant, I hate shopping for clothes online. For one reason being plus size it’s hard to find somewhere that sells clothes in my size in general. I can only order off torrid because that’s the only place where I’ve tried clothes on in person before. I don’t have the money for that. All I want is a pair of plain jean shorts that don’t cost an arm and a leg. I can’t order anything off amazon because I don’t know how it’ll fit and if it doesn’t not only will I feel bad about myself, but I’ll have to return them, which I’m not very good at.

Okay, it’s now Monday afternoon and I’m feeling slightly okay. I don’t really have a lot to say today so I figured I would just tack some Monday rambles on the tail end of my Sunday rambles post. It was 81 degrees in my living room this morning and all I had was a fan. I even worked out. It was way too hot to make regular coffee, so we ordered Panera and I got my cold brew, thankfully. I’m now feeling like more of a human, Anyway, I think I’ll do an actual post for today.

Weekly Wrap-Up

I’m starting this Friday afternoon, I want to have something down for tomorrow. I don’t know I’ll feel in the morning, so I’ll start now. It’s 4:40 pm, I don’t think much will happen between now and tomorrow morning when I usually write these posts. I mean, as this week has taught me, a lot can happen in a short amount of time. We lost my grandmother on early Wednesday morning. It’s really tearing me up right now. I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye, and that’s what hurts the most.

Okay, it’s early Saturday morning. I’m trying to get back into a routine a little bit. So I woke up around 5, then I worked out, and then I went to 7-11 for caffeine and some other drinks and cat food. I’m not sure what the format of this post is going to be, because I was distracted for most of the week. There’s a lot to catch up on.

I didn’t post on Monday because I had a manic episode on Sunday afternoon, then I didn’t sleep at all Sunday night. The thing is though that I’m very sensitive to stimuli the day after a manic episode. I decided Monday was going to be a rest day, but I had a lot of roasting to do. The other thing is that I don’t know how to relax, especially when I try to force it. The reason I had a manic episode was because I pushed myself past my limits. I started working on the computer early in the morning, then by the end of the day I was trying the plan my entire life. If you haven’t been here before, I don’t do well with full on structure for my routines and my days. I need more of a loose structure. If I plan my entire day, I end up overwhelming myself and beating myself up if I don’t do everything I had planned on doing. So, when I attempt to plan my whole life, things usually go terribly wrong. Anyway, I was trying to do a million things at once on Sunday and it triggered a manic episode. I attempted to control it, but I ended up being hypomanic on Monday morning. I was reading a book and it was so good, I had to stop because it was stimulating me and getting my blood pumping. All day Monday I tried to force myself to relax, which didn’t work out very well.

I haven’t been sleeping very well this week. Right now I feel like I’m exhausted, mostly because I was in emotional stress all week. Before my grandma passed and after. I woke up and in my head I told myself that I was going to get back into my routine today, partly at least. I need to try and get things done early because I know by about noon I’ll be pretty sad and I won’t want to do anything. I’m forcing myself to stay awake right now, at least until my boyfriend wakes up. I roasted all day and he roasted all night. On Thursday no matter what I did I could not get comfortable at all and ended up in bed all day. Which is very unusual for me. Today I may also spend in bed, depending on how tired I feel and how just sad I am. I’m going to do a quick list of things that have been keeping me distracted the past few days:

• Parks and Rec- This is honestly one of my favorite shows. Not everyone likes it, but I watch it whenever I’m down and I don’t know what else to do. I started from the beginning at 3:30 am on Wednesday. It helps a lot, I find a lot of comfort in it.
• I’m still vibing with Penny Dreadful, I hadn’t watched it in a few days, but I went back to it yesterday and I was like why did I stop watching this? It truly is a good distraction because it’s a very involved show and I have to pay attention.
• The Queen of the Damned By Anne Rice- I started reading this book at the beginning of the spring, I put it down for a little while because I was on a non-fiction kick, but I went back to it and like I am with Penny Dreadful, I wondered why I stopped reading it.
• Music- I’m just going to list a few artists: Dawes, John Mayer, Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, and Sia.

Also it’s hard to write this post without commenting on George Floyd. All I’m going to say is that what happened never should have happened. I will never have to live in fear like that. How is that fair? How is that equality? It’s not. That’s all I’m going to say.

It’s been a rough week. Not just for me, but for the entire US. I hope things can get better, but I feel like that’s a long way off.

Sunday Rambles Pt. 2

I’m a little late this morning. This morning was very eventful. I slept in, in the bed, then I moved on to the couch, and fell asleep, then I woke up, made coffee, killed a spider and then went and ate some pancakes. That’s my morning so far. I’m going to write this, watch some beauty videos, then probably put on Penny Dreadful while I roast some coffee. This may go up later than usual because I feel like I don’t have a lot to ramble about right now.

I’m so sleepy right now and it’s making me very anxious. I really want to go back to sleep. I actually could fall asleep right now. I’m cozy and I should probably get uncozy and do things, but I probably won’t. At least not until my boyfriend weighs out the beans to be roasted. I’m thinking about all these things I should do, but there is no should, either I do it or I don’t. I had coffee, I took all my meds (including my stimulants), and I still feel like I’m in a brain fog. I feel a migraine coming on and I feel like crying. Also, it’s that time of the month, so that could really be what’s getting to me. I feel bad, but I also don’t.

Okay, it’s been real rambly. I’m now roasting and I feel a little bit better. Let’s take advantage of that. I spent most of my day so far making my birthday wish list and some other lists. I use Shoptagr (not sponsored at all). I really like the app, especially the plugin on chrome. For a while I stopped using it because I wasn’t interested in buying things. Now though, I want all the things. I can’t buy them though, but I can look and it makes me feel better to make the list because it gives me the illusion that I might get it one day. Anyway, my birthday list, there’s nothing exceptional on it, but it gives me something to look forward to. Mostly because my birthday probably won’t be celebrated the way that I’m used to. I love my birthday like I love it, but this year is different. I don’t know how you’re supposed to plan a birthday in quarantine. I’ll have to figure it out. I only have a few friends, so it wouldn’t be anything big. Still, I want to have a semi-okay birthday which I’m sure I will.

I really don’t have anything interesting to say today. I think it’ll be a kind of lazy day. Anyway, here’s your fill of weekly rambles!

Weekly Wrap-Up

It’s that time of the week. First things first, I think you should you that my dog is very happy right now. I just let her out of the room, I keep her in there while I work out in the morning. Anyway, she’s happy to be awake. Me? Not so much. I worked out and made coffee and now I’m here. So, how was my week? It was interesting. I had a kind of breakdown yesterday morning. I didn’t want my boyfriend to know I was crying, so I ran into the bathroom and started hysterically crying. I’m not going to get into the circumstances why that happened, but it did. It really exhausted me. So I had a mini self-care day. I showered and did my nails, and just let myself relax a little bit. That’s my version of self-care.

Anyway, the rest of the week, I didn’t cry besides yesterday, which in my book is a win. We only got one big order from our sale, which was kind of disappointing. I have to roast that today. I did not write my business plan like I had planned on doing. I also didn’t finish writing my work blog. I almost had a manic episode Tuesday morning. I also did tons of work yesterday after I cried it out. It’s funny how during the week I’ll think to myself, I need to write this in Saturday’s blog post, but when I sit here I can’t remember.

I think I’ll list somethings that I’ve been loving this week:

• I’ve been loving drinking our Ethiopian coffee. It’s always been my favorite, but I’ve been more mindful and actually being tasting the coffee. If that makes sense to anyone. I also love adding Ethiopian espresso into my regular coffee, with a splash of Silk Almond milk creamer (caramel). It’s just a perfect way to start my morning. If you want me to go more indepth about coffee and the different types we like, just let me know!
• Vans Gluten Free pancakes! They are an acquired taste, but they’re a good option if I want something quick that I know I’ll enjoy. They’re microwavable, so if you’re not crazy about microwaveable pancakes, then maybe skip these. I’m gluten free for health reasons.
• Talking to my animals as if they were people. I mean, I’ve loved doing for as long as I’ve had them. I have one cat named Bruce (after Bruce Wayne) and a dog named Roxy, but we call her a million different names, the most popular one is Peapie. As my boyfriend says “we only use her given name when she has done something that she shouldn’t have”. Which is very rare. Unless our neighbors dogs are outside, then it’s pretty normal. She doesn’t get along with other dogs. Anyway, I constantly love talking to them like they’re people. Oh! Also, they’re my boyfriends animals, we brought them up here two years ago from North Carolina. They quickly stole my heart and I adopted them as my own.
• Podcasts! I’ve been vibing podcasts for a few weeks now. I went through a phase where all I listened to was podcasts, then I stopped. Now I’m back. My favorites right now are: Start Inspired, I Weigh, Approachable, and very specific episodes of The Joe Rogan Experience. Now you may be asking yourself, how in the world do I listen to that many podcasts in one week? And my answer is, I am constantly listening to them. I listen to them while I workout, while I work, while I write, while I roast, and when I’m driving.
• Finally, Penny Dreadful. I just started it this week and I’m only 3 episodes in, but it is so good. Very intense and not for the faint of heart, but it’s really good and I highly recommend. I have to be in a specific mood to watch it though. If I’m anxious, I can’t do it.

Anyway, that’s just kind of a wrap up, I’m not sure if I’ll do this format every week I’m still trying to figure out this type of post. Have a great Saturday! I’ll see you tomorrow for another post of Sunday Rambles!

Sunday Rambles pt 1

Good morning, this mornings post is brought to you by my couch. Sundays are my days of rest. It’s the day I give myself permission to do nothing. I say I give myself permission because I make things very difficult on myself throughout the week. So, Sundays I can basically do whatever I want, which is usually nothing. I mean if there’s something business-related that different because that takes priority. Most people take Sundays to sleep in, I don’t I wake up at the same time on Sundays as I do during the week because that’s when I get my quiet time. I believe that having a little bit of time to yourself very important, so you can refresh or reset. So here I am, comfy clothes, glasses instead of contacts, my hair is in a braid because I couldn’t be bothered. Now, I’m sitting on my couch, drinking my energy drink (too much effort to make coffee), and I feel pretty relaxed. Usually my mornings are filled with anxiety, but Sundays I can chill out.

Later today I will take some time to set some intentions for the week, to kind of set the pace for the week. I do not take Sundays to schedule my whole week out. Sundays are meant to be easy breezy. I usually convince my mom to make pancakes because they’re up there as one of my favorite foods. Usually I’ll have a mini breakfast, but not today. I want to have all the room in my stomach for the pancakes. If I’m feeling up to it I may pre-write some blog posts, by up to it I mean feeling lazy. I wrote down some things I wanted to include in this post in my blogging notebook, but it has the word rambles in the title.

Like my Saturday post this is going to be a fee write post unless I won’t have the opportunity to do it on Sunday. I’ve been thinking a lot about Salem, MA lately. I love it there and I miss it. Its made up of mostly small businesses and I’m worried they won’t be able to reopen after this is all over. Because they make Salem so special. I spent my birthday in Salem last year and it is one of my favorite birthdays I’ve had. My boyfriend and I made so many memories and I just miss it so much. We were going to try and go in September before the Halloween festivities start. We’ve done that before. We really want to go in December so we can see all the holiday decorations and just experience the town in a different way. We didn’t travel much before the pandemic, but we always made amazing memories and Salem is or favorite place. If we could on vacation to one place for the rest of our lives, I think we would choose Salem.

Sundays are starting to become my favorite days, I used to hate it because I would dread what was happening this coming week. Now, I try to think of what I have to do and just come to peace with it. We usually schedule business things for the week on Sundays and those are the only plans I’m okay with making. He’s not awake yet, so I’m not sure what’s on the agenda for the week. So for now, I’m just going to relax and watch some beauty videos. Have an easy breezy day where ever you are.

Weekly Wrap-up

Hi! This is the first day I’m writing a post that isn’t going to be a pre-written post. I’m going to try and make Saturday’s a weekly wrap-up, the keyword there is try.

Anyway, how was my week? It was okay. Which for me it a pretty good feat. My moods weren’t as erratic, I’ve also stuck to my routine for the second week in a row. I haven’t done all the things I wanted to add, like putting on makeup or drink more water. I think Thursday was the low point of the week, it was a wash. Even my boyfriend agreed, it was a wash for him as well. I also have some morning anxiety after my routine has wound down, the type of anxiety that’s like, if I get off this couch I’m going to have a panic attack. I would have something that I really wanted to do, but I would stay on the couch in my safe zone.

So yesterday was a long day. I had a lot of work to get done, but also things I wanted to accomplish on a personal level. I needed to just focus on work yesterday, I had a lot of work to do. I had to cut my personal stuff, which made me upset. It was what I had to do though. I have work that I have to do every day, but there are some days where there’s extra work, and I have to prioritize.

I really need to keep track of what I already posted through the week, so I’m not being repetitive. On my list of ideas for what to write about for my weekly wrap up, it literally says, what I did. I’m looking at it and thinking to myself, what does that even mean. I can’t even remember what day it is let alone keep track of everything I do.

Actually something I found this week that I’m thoroughly enjoying, it’s an energy drink. I hate energy drinks, they always make me feel sick because of the fake sugar. This one however, doesn’t make me sick, and it’s glorious. It’s called Celsius and honestly, it’s amazing. I’ve only tried two flavors, so I can only say that the watermelon flavor has my stamp of approval. So try it or don’t just figure I’d share. Another thing is that I’ve started reading another book called Average is the New Awesome, and so far it’s really making sense to me. I’m enjoying it so far. As I read more I’ll write something about it.

On the agenda for today is, to start working on our business plan, work on the blog post for work, and stay off my phone. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but I have no idea how to write a business plan so who knows how long it’s going to take. I have a very strong work ethic, so I’ll start and I’ll make it work.

I’m going to try and make my Saturday and Sunday posts real-time posts. So, stay tuned for tomorrow.