Hey Little Fighter, Things will get Brighter

I’ve been doing a lot of research into mental illness recently. Bipolar disorder, PTSD, and anxiety mostly. I’m not sure why now and not before. I also constantly feel like uncontrollably sobbing most of the time. Let’s just say that I’m feeling a lot of emotions right now. I’ve been doing all this research and I’m not really sure what I’m looking for, as if I’m searching for answers that I know don’t exist. Because what I feel is so personal, and raw, like people can relate, but no one feels the exact same way as I do at any given time, and I can’t always explain what I feel. It’s all very frustrating.

I haven’t been able to blog because I’ve been searching for these answers that can only be found in the depths of my mind. I keep thinking and thinking, I can feel my soul be suffocated, but I can never reach the answers I’m looking for. Mostly because I can’t figure out what question I’m asking on any given day. I just know I’m tired, exhausted, of my mind being at war with itself. Going through these flashbacks, which have thankfully subsided, has put a toll on me, like, it’s hard to figure out reality and memories, what’s now and what is history. So, there was that, now I’m just lost. My brain can’t handle much these days. I haven’t been able to work a full day of work, I’ve been isolating and spending a lot of time curled up on our tiny couch in our tiny living room, where it’s cozy and safe. I constantly have to remind myself that I’m safe, and what happened wasn’t my fault.

I didn’t do anything wrong, so why am I suffering?

I just don’t understand. My soul and mind can’t take it. The only reoccurring thought I have is that, I don’t want to die. I’m feeling a lot of fear right now, and it’s smothering me. I’m scared mostly of becoming suicidal and having to go back to the hospital. I don’t know why I feel like that if all I keep saying is that I don’t want to die. Like, that’s the opposite of what I’m truly afraid of. So I don’t know why I’m so distressed. My therapist says I’m fearing fear itself right now, because I also keep thinking about death.

All I think of when I think of being afraid of fear itself, I think about Harry Potter, when Lupin tells Harry that he’s afraid of fear itself because he’s afraid of the dementors, which are the guards of the wizard prison azkaban, and they feed off happiness and suck out peoples souls. Lovely image, right? I suppose that’s the point. Anyway, that’s how I feel, like a dementor is here sucking the life out of me.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, like I said, just sob uncontrollably until there’s no more tears left. I feel like that’s not possible though. I feel like I don’t know what I feel. I feel like I don’t know anything. I’m searching for answers to nothing, answers to a question that my soul is asking that I can’t make out. I suppose if I want to know the question, I have to get down and dirty with my feelings. I have to take a deep dive, take a break, and nourish my soul. It needs to be cared for now more than ever.

Also, on a positive note, it’s my birth-month. I LOVE my birthday, like I really love it. As soon as August hits I start my count down. Now it’s the 7th and I could care less about turning 25, a few weeks ago I was so exited and planning my trip to Salem, MA (where my boyfriend and I will be spending most of my birth-week). Now, I just feel like I’m struggling to get through the day. I’m just tired and over these emotions and I just want to give up. I won’t though. I’m in this for the long haul and I will walk through the fire, or I will rise from it, like a phoenix.

 

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Fridays Are For Catching Up

Sorry I haven’t posted in two days. I’ve been trying to get better about posting everyday. But, Wednesday was just a rough day, I had no inspiration or motivation. Just thinking about writing a post seemed like it would have been too much. So, I gave myself a break. Then yesterday, I went to see JOHN MAYER. I found out like 4 hours before we had to leave that I was going.

Going to the concert last night was a big deal for me. It was at Madison Square Garden, it was sold out, and I stayed out past my bed time. I didn’t crawl into bed until like 1:30 in the morning. The amazing this, is I only got super anxious once. I mean, it was on the verge of a panic attack anxiety, but it was after the show. It helped show me that I’m stronger than my disorder, well, I’m stronger than my symptoms. I didn’t cry, I didn’t have to leave early. I had an amazing time. I never really believed in mind over matter, but I think I need to start having more faith in myself and my ability to cope. Because I made a choice yesterday, was I going to let my disorder stop me from doing something I really wanted to do? Well, something I probably won’t ever get the chance to do again. I took the chance and I’m glad I did. I know there are going to be some consequences from staying up past my bedtime, like I know my body might betray me, get anxious and uncomfortable. I 100000% believe it was worth it though.

I’m not really a person to take risks, I get so panic stricken that I’m going that have an episode if I take a risk and do something I shouldn’t. It was John Mayer though, it was free, it was amazing. I have no regrets and that’s how I want to live my life. I don’t want to live in fear, I also can’t do what I did last night on a regular basis. I have to learn how to strike a balance, with fun and carefree, while also being responsible. Like, I left work early yesterday because I needed time to collect myself and get ready. I had to take today off so I could rest and try and get back to myself. I guess that means that I just need to have a cushion whenever I’m going to do something like that.

I also don’t really like surprises, I like to know what to expect and when to expect it. So, yesterday was very out of character for me. I am glad I did it though. It was a good experience for me, to take a risk and do something spontaneous.

This Wednesday is Brought to you by…

A very large cold brew, some great tuneage on Spotify, and most importantly noise cancelling headphones. (I mean food too and water). Oh, and support group.

It was a fairly easy breezy day. I got to work early, so I could leave early, so I could go to support group. The thing is, a woman from our accounting firm was at the office, and I know, from experience, that she does not have an inside voice. Hence, the noise cancelling headphones. I went through my files, I’m now on my last cabinet, which is kind of a relief. The thing is though, that I talked to my boyfriend today about my heart hurting for other people and situations. I’ve been “sad” for days, he didn’t understand why, and I couldn’t explain it. Until today that is. He understood and we talked about it, which was really nice.

Anyway, the barista at my coffee shop remembered my order, I got to leave work early, I’m getting donuts at support group, this Wednesday isn’t the worst, and we all know how much I hate Wednesdays. Nothing eventful happened today, so, so far so good. I’m pretty anxious about getting to group, it’s about 40 minutes away, and it’s driving somewhere new, I’m going to do it though, and I’ll get through it.

The thing is though, I have a very strict nighttime routine I follow, which starts at 9:00 exactly. I won’t get back from support group until 9:15 at the earliest. Which, in turn, will throw off my entire routine. I don’t like messing with this routine, it keeps me grounded, it’s one of the only things that is a staple in my life. Like, time management wise. If I don’t follow it, I get nighttime anxiety, like my morning anxiety, it is severe, I won’t be able to sleep, and when I don’t sleep, I get manic. I don’t think going to group and starting my routine a little later will really do much damage, and I’m not really worried about it.

This is an under 30 support group, it’ll be my first time at this one. I’m not too anxious, I’m going because I was invited by one of the facilitators, so I figured, why not. I’ll go and check it out, maybe find some people I can relate to. I don’t have many friends with mental illness, let alone people my age. It will be a new experience. I’m nervous, but like, nervous excited. So, I’ll stop for coffee on my way there and hope for the best. I’ve only been to two support groups, ever, all through the same organization, they were nice, I found it helpful, and like I had found people like me, who understood. It is truly something I am glad to have found.

Check back tomorrow for an update! Also, as long as it doesn’t rain, I may be blogging from a music festival tomorrow!!

Wednesday’s: An Unpopular Opinion

Ahh Wednesday. My least favorite day of the week.

I was getting my $5 iced coffee this morning and the barista asked if I wanted an large or an extra large iced coffee. I replied, that it was the worst day of the week, so let’s go for an extra large. She was in a little bit of disbelief that Wednesday was my least favorite day of the week.

I mean, yeah, Monday’s suck, but it’s the beginning of the week, and you anticipate that it’s going to be an annoying day, but you power though. Wednesday’s on the other hand, it’s the middle of the week, it’s still two days from Friday, it just makes you realize just how slowly the week is going by. I, personally, feel that it goes by much slower than any other day, and nothing interesting usually happens. At least for me anyway. A side note, my best friend agrees, in her words from a text this morning, “Monday’s suck, but Wednesday’s suck worse.” So there’s that.

For example today, I was going through files from like 10 years ago looking for specific things. There’s like 200 files. Filing cabinets on filing cabinets. It’s so exciting. I mean I do get to pop in my headphones and listen to a book or Spotify if I need some energy, but that only makes it slightly better. Also, nothing interesting did happen at work today, in case you were wondering.

Anyway, I home now. I finally washed my hair, so naturally I’m super anxious now, I feel my heart racing. It still is Wednesday though, so adding a shower into the mix, it didn’t make things any better. We ordered breakfast for dinner, which I got as my treat for doing the mundane tasks that Wednesdays hold. Showering, going through file after file, doing literally anything.

I think I’ll start a petition to make Wednesday’s like a half day at work or free ice cream, I don’t know, something to make the day a little less, Wednesday-like.

Like the title says, Wednesday’s being the worst day of the week, it’s an unpopular opinion. I don’t think anything will change the way I feel about Wednesday. I mean pancakes can’t hurt though.