Catching Up

I feel like it’s been quite sometime since I posted here. Well, I suppose it really has been. I needed a bit of a break after the death of my grandmother. I’m back now, well I’m going to try and be.

Honestly, nothing much has happened in the past month or so. I’ve been stuck in the house. I just wanted to write a little bit about how COVID has affected my mental health. I am easily triggered, and will quickly have a mood swing after the initial trigger. So, being stuck in the apartment you would think that I would be able to avoid triggers, that is not the case though. I am easily triggered by videos and sometimes pictures. Also, by the emotions of the people around me. Since my boyfriend and I are spending every single second of every single day together, it’s almost impossible to not feed off of each others emotions. So, I’ll get triggered by something, then he’ll feel my stress and it’ll possibly trigger him. It’s a very delicate system.

Also, the business has not been doing the best. Due to COVID, people just aren’t buying our products. We try so hard. The lack of orders and work to do leaves me very anxious and bored and then I panic because I feel like I should be doing work, when there’s no work to be done. It’s all very frustrating. I have a very strong work ethic so when I don’t have something to focus my energy on, I get severe, debilitating anxiety. I tell my doctors and they try to help me and give me advice, but the bottom line is that we can’t adjust my meds. So, it’s basically me against myself. In my head. All day everyday. I’ve been manic a few times, down, but not truly depressed, but mostly the anxiety. Except yesterday I felt extremely unstable. I don’t know what happened, but something tipped the scales. I feel like I need to channel my energy. I’ve been writing a lot of fiction, but I’ve kind of run out of inspiration.

I know they say that you have to write even when you don’t feel like it or if you don’t feel inspired. I just can’t seem to push myself though. Everything just feels off. Probably because no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’ve found that; no matter how much you try, it’s almost impossible to move forward when the world is standing still. Because we are still in the middle of a pandemic and things don’t seem to be getting better. I feel like there is no hope. Like I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even as I write this I feel a sense of panic. Everything is a struggle. It also doesn’t help that it’s like a sauna in my apartment.

I honestly am doing the best that I can. I just keep forgetting to remind myself of that. Sometimes, doing the best that you can is enough. Even if all that you do is get out of bed. I had a pretty strict morning routine, but somewhere along the way it fell to the wayside. I wish that hadn’t happened, but it did. I know not to beat myself up about it, but it’s difficult.

So, COVID has not given me any more drive, it hasn’t really done anything productive for me. I’m hoping I can start feeling better today and get back into blogging. I’ve really missed this.

Weekly Wrap-Up

I’m starting this Friday afternoon, I want to have something down for tomorrow. I don’t know I’ll feel in the morning, so I’ll start now. It’s 4:40 pm, I don’t think much will happen between now and tomorrow morning when I usually write these posts. I mean, as this week has taught me, a lot can happen in a short amount of time. We lost my grandmother on early Wednesday morning. It’s really tearing me up right now. I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye, and that’s what hurts the most.

Okay, it’s early Saturday morning. I’m trying to get back into a routine a little bit. So I woke up around 5, then I worked out, and then I went to 7-11 for caffeine and some other drinks and cat food. I’m not sure what the format of this post is going to be, because I was distracted for most of the week. There’s a lot to catch up on.

I didn’t post on Monday because I had a manic episode on Sunday afternoon, then I didn’t sleep at all Sunday night. The thing is though that I’m very sensitive to stimuli the day after a manic episode. I decided Monday was going to be a rest day, but I had a lot of roasting to do. The other thing is that I don’t know how to relax, especially when I try to force it. The reason I had a manic episode was because I pushed myself past my limits. I started working on the computer early in the morning, then by the end of the day I was trying the plan my entire life. If you haven’t been here before, I don’t do well with full on structure for my routines and my days. I need more of a loose structure. If I plan my entire day, I end up overwhelming myself and beating myself up if I don’t do everything I had planned on doing. So, when I attempt to plan my whole life, things usually go terribly wrong. Anyway, I was trying to do a million things at once on Sunday and it triggered a manic episode. I attempted to control it, but I ended up being hypomanic on Monday morning. I was reading a book and it was so good, I had to stop because it was stimulating me and getting my blood pumping. All day Monday I tried to force myself to relax, which didn’t work out very well.

I haven’t been sleeping very well this week. Right now I feel like I’m exhausted, mostly because I was in emotional stress all week. Before my grandma passed and after. I woke up and in my head I told myself that I was going to get back into my routine today, partly at least. I need to try and get things done early because I know by about noon I’ll be pretty sad and I won’t want to do anything. I’m forcing myself to stay awake right now, at least until my boyfriend wakes up. I roasted all day and he roasted all night. On Thursday no matter what I did I could not get comfortable at all and ended up in bed all day. Which is very unusual for me. Today I may also spend in bed, depending on how tired I feel and how just sad I am. I’m going to do a quick list of things that have been keeping me distracted the past few days:

  • Parks and Rec- This is honestly one of my favorite shows. Not everyone likes it, but I watch it whenever I’m down and I don’t know what else to do. I started from the beginning at 3:30 am on Wednesday. It helps a lot, I find a lot of comfort in it.
  • I’m still vibing with Penny Dreadful, I hadn’t watched it in a few days, but I went back to it yesterday and I was like why did I stop watching this? It truly is a good distraction because it’s a very involved show and I have to pay attention.
  • The Queen of the Damned By Anne Rice- I started reading this book at the beginning of the spring, I put it down for a little while because I was on a non-fiction kick, but I went back to it and like I am with Penny Dreadful, I wondered why I stopped reading it.
  • Music- I’m just going to list a few artists: Dawes, John Mayer, Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, and Sia.

Also it’s hard to write this post without commenting on George Floyd. All I’m going to say is that what happened never should have happened. I will never have to live in fear like that. How is that fair? How is that equality? It’s not. That’s all I’m going to say.

It’s been a rough week. Not just for me, but for the entire US. I hope things can get better, but I feel like that’s a long way off.