Another bipolar day

There seems to be a trend in my days, I wake up and feel bad, then I’ll have some medical marijuana and I’ll feel better, then a few hours later I’ll feel bad again. Then I’ll feel okay. It’s not mood swings, so it’s nothing serious it’s just very annoying. I mean it’s part of being bipolar I suppose. I just hate it. I hate being bipolar, some days I hate it more than others. Some days I hate it so much I cry. I feel so defeated from it. Like no matter what I do, how many meds I take or symptom management I do, I feel like it never changes. I was saying the other day, how I just take meds out of routine sometimes and I don’t even think about why I’m taking them. I don’t want to have to take all these meds, I also know I can’t go off them. I know people say that there are benefits to having bipolar, I’m assuming most of those people don’t have bipolar. Because I hate it. So much. It’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Why did it have to be me? I know it’s genetic, so I don’t actually have a say. 

I can accept that I have it, but I don’t have to like it. I don’t have to feel any way about it. I just have to deal with it and manage it. I didn’t have a choice in getting it, but I have a choice in how I deal with it. So, I will continue to take my meds and manage my symptoms. I’ll put my work in, because that’s the best chance I have of making my life liveable, to my personal standards. I’ve had to lower those standards though. Like, I’ve had to alter timelines of things that I want to happen. Living with bipolar isn’t easy. A lot of days I’m just sad or I just feel bad for no reason. There’s days I just need to rest and there’s days I have to push myself, then there’s days where I actually feel okay enough to choose to do things. Those days are few though, but they seem to be becoming more frequent. I’ve put alot of work in and it does show, I do see the changes, I really do, but some days my soul just hurts and I’m just tired. Tired of everything. So I just curl up in a ball and just not participate in life, and that’s no way to live, but it’s my reality. I have to pick and choose my battles, like what will I choose to do today, because I’ll have a list of things to do, but I’ll have to pick one thing because it’s too difficult to do more than that. 

Some days, I just can’t. I can’t be expected to do anything, the day is essentially just a wash. Nothing is going to get done. Then days like today, I had a wonderful time with my family, but just two hours or so, once I get home, I’m done for the day. Nothing else can be expected to be done. I’m just going to lay in my bed and try and avoid the bad feelings that are going to come. And sure enough, it happened, I came home and I felt like garbage. I hate it so much. I wish I wasn’t bipolar, but I am. I just have to deal the best that I can. 

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Hey Little Fighter, Things will get Brighter

I’ve been doing a lot of research into mental illness recently. Bipolar disorder, PTSD, and anxiety mostly. I’m not sure why now and not before. I also constantly feel like uncontrollably sobbing most of the time. Let’s just say that I’m feeling a lot of emotions right now. I’ve been doing all this research and I’m not really sure what I’m looking for, as if I’m searching for answers that I know don’t exist. Because what I feel is so personal, and raw, like people can relate, but no one feels the exact same way as I do at any given time, and I can’t always explain what I feel. It’s all very frustrating.

I haven’t been able to blog because I’ve been searching for these answers that can only be found in the depths of my mind. I keep thinking and thinking, I can feel my soul be suffocated, but I can never reach the answers I’m looking for. Mostly because I can’t figure out what question I’m asking on any given day. I just know I’m tired, exhausted, of my mind being at war with itself. Going through these flashbacks, which have thankfully subsided, has put a toll on me, like, it’s hard to figure out reality and memories, what’s now and what is history. So, there was that, now I’m just lost. My brain can’t handle much these days. I haven’t been able to work a full day of work, I’ve been isolating and spending a lot of time curled up on our tiny couch in our tiny living room, where it’s cozy and safe. I constantly have to remind myself that I’m safe, and what happened wasn’t my fault.

I didn’t do anything wrong, so why am I suffering?

I just don’t understand. My soul and mind can’t take it. The only reoccurring thought I have is that, I don’t want to die. I’m feeling a lot of fear right now, and it’s smothering me. I’m scared mostly of becoming suicidal and having to go back to the hospital. I don’t know why I feel like that if all I keep saying is that I don’t want to die. Like, that’s the opposite of what I’m truly afraid of. So I don’t know why I’m so distressed. My therapist says I’m fearing fear itself right now, because I also keep thinking about death.

All I think of when I think of being afraid of fear itself, I think about Harry Potter, when Lupin tells Harry that he’s afraid of fear itself because he’s afraid of the dementors, which are the guards of the wizard prison azkaban, and they feed off happiness and suck out peoples souls. Lovely image, right? I suppose that’s the point. Anyway, that’s how I feel, like a dementor is here sucking the life out of me.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, like I said, just sob uncontrollably until there’s no more tears left. I feel like that’s not possible though. I feel like I don’t know what I feel. I feel like I don’t know anything. I’m searching for answers to nothing, answers to a question that my soul is asking that I can’t make out. I suppose if I want to know the question, I have to get down and dirty with my feelings. I have to take a deep dive, take a break, and nourish my soul. It needs to be cared for now more than ever.

Also, on a positive note, it’s my birth-month. I LOVE my birthday, like I really love it. As soon as August hits I start my count down. Now it’s the 7th and I could care less about turning 25, a few weeks ago I was so exited and planning my trip to Salem, MA (where my boyfriend and I will be spending most of my birth-week). Now, I just feel like I’m struggling to get through the day. I’m just tired and over these emotions and I just want to give up. I won’t though. I’m in this for the long haul and I will walk through the fire, or I will rise from it, like a phoenix.

 

The Only Way Out Is Through

That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. It’s become my new mantra. I haven’t posted in a few days because I’m dealing with some PTSD related things. It’s been rough, I had a breakdown at work yesterday and had to come home.

So, at this point the only thing to do is deal with my issues head on, and work through them, because there’s no way around them. If I deal with them now, it’ll be easier in the future. If I choose to avoid them now, they’ll come back to haunt me again and again. It’s now or in another 3 years when the trauma resurfaces. Last time I dealt with this, I got extremely depressed, shut down, and ended up in the hospital because I didn’t want to live anymore. So, dealing with this isn’t something that’s easy. I’m in a much better headspace and environment now than I was then. Hopefully I can get through this a little easier than last time.

It’s like reopening a wound, making the skin raw again, and letting it heal. Like the Papa Roach song, “I tear my heart open to sew myself shut”. That’s essentially what I’m doing. I don’t have to necessarily relive the trauma, but I have to rehash some of it, bring it to the surface, and deal with it. I suppressed it, twice. Last time I dealt with it I just told people what happened, I never actually talked about it, I just thought that it would go away, and for a little while it did. Something triggered me though, and now I have to deal with it for real. According to my therapist I just have to keep myself distracted for the time being, which is easier said than done. It’s like when you least want to be distracted the more you are, and when you want to be preoccupied or distracted, you can only focus on the thing you don’t want to.

That’s where I’m at right about now. Just trying to get through the jungle of emotions, the mess of issues, and just overall trying to get better. I feel like this is kind of a setback in my process of trying to stay stable. So, I just have to keep going.

The only way out, is through.

An ode to Tuesday Mornings

Oh, Tuesdays…how I hate thee.

Well I hate Tuesday mornings. Tuesday as a whole isn’t too bad, but the mornings are rough. I don’t have a routine. I work half days on Tuesdays because I have therapy in the mornings. So, my weekday morning routine that I follow the rest of the week, just don’t apply, because an extra hour and a half is added to my morning. It is even worse when I wake up earlier than usual. Like today, I woke up at 6:15, which is fantastic. Especially since I’ve been having debilitating migraines, and when I have these migraines, I can’t stay asleep, and when I don’t sleep, I get manic. The migraines are the worst in the Summer, and I don’t drink enough electrolytes, so they just get worse and it’s just a vicious cycle.

Anyway, back to my loathe of Tuesday mornings. I just hate them so much. This post is just going to be a giant rant about Tuesday mornings. I mean I could just add some things to my mornings on Tuesdays, but I just feel like nothing makes the morning seem any less daunting. It’s 7:47 now, I don’t leave for therapy until 9:45, but I’m leaving early today to go to target. So I guess I can leave 15 minutes early, yay…it doesn’t make the morning any better. The rest of the day will go pretty well though, I just feel like the mornings last forever. Before I take my meds, I’ll have some bad thoughts, I’ll feel like garbage, and I’ll just hate everything, but that doesn’t happen any other day of the week, just Tuesdays.

Bottom line, Tuesday mornings are the worst. End rant.

So much anxiety. So little time.

As I write this there’s a whole list of things I should be doing. I have two papers to write, 2 hours of research to do, and I’m supposed to have a meeting with my group for a group project. Buttttt, my anxiety has different plans. It always has different plans, my anxiety and I, we can never agree on anything. I took a Xanax, it made me sleepy, which made me want to curl up in bed, but I’m sitting on the living room floor instead.

I’m supposed to be making progress, my therapist said that I was, making progress, this morning. Then this happens, the anxiety grips me and squeezes, like a boa constrictor. I can’t breathe, I can’t think, focus, I can’t do anything. I have the tv on, but I’m just staring at it.

Take deep breaths? Tried it. Journal? Tried it. Any of my coping skills? Tried it. There’s always trying, but rarely results when it comes to my anxiety. It has a mind of its own. It has different plans. It doesn’t care that I have piles of work to do by tomorrow afternoon. It doesn’t care about anything. It just is. I know I shouldn’t let it be, I shouldn’t give into it, but sometimes I think to myself, I’m exhausted today, and I let the anxiety consume me.

I can’t create a coherent thought. That’s how I know it’s really bad. I honestly don’t know how I’m writing this or if it will even make sense once I post it. I’m going to do it anyway though, it’s something my anxiety will let me do. I should be the master of my anxiety, I should know how to beat it, but the thing is, I don’t think there’s an actual way to “beat” it. Yes, it can become under control or I can learn the best way to deal with it, but what happens on days where nothing works. It just piles up and up and up. Then it’s a mountain of anxiety I’m too tired to climb. So, I give in for the day Tomorrow will be better. Won’t it? I’ll have to wait and see.

The anxiety is always a part of me and I know it always will be. Yes, I can take Xanax to keep it at bay, but that’s not something that I want. I want to be able to take a few deep breaths and it be gone. Right now though, I want to sleep, I’m not hungry, I want sleep, but I know if I try to sleep, I won’t be able to. So what’s the point in that? Try, try, try, that’s what people think you should do, as if you try, it’ll automatically help. That’s not how it works though, sometimes, I need rest. Today though, there is no time for rest, today is supposed to be a time for work and progress and catch up, but right now, my day is filled with time slots, and each slot has one word next to it. Anxiety.