Lazy Daze, but Not

You know when you want to want to do things, but you really don’t want to? Yeah, that’s me. It’s like when I say “I feel bad, but I don’t..” my boyfriend calls it babe logic. It’s because I can’t explain what I’m feeling, because it’s one of those in between feelings, like melancholy. Because I’m not really sad. Anyway, today is a day where I feel relatively okay, I want to do things, but I’m not having any motivation or direction. I just kind of want to be, just sit and be melancholy. I know I should do something to try and remedy it, but I kind of don’t want to. I want to start actually feeling my feelings and not just medicalizing them as symptoms.

I feel very melancholy right now. I’ve been listening to podcasts all day and it was a nice change to having youtube videos constantly on in the background. I’ve been into more non-fiction topics lately. The podcasts are real people, talking about real topics, sharing their real stories. Some of the things they talk about are just digging deep. I’m not sure why I made the switch from fiction to non-fiction, but I’m glad I did. It makes me feel less alone, I’m also learning a ton, and they all make me think.

Anyway, it looks like I have a lazy day ahead of me. Not a lazy day as in, I accomplished so much yesterday that I need to take the day off. Even though I did do a fair amount yesterday, but I always feel like I should be doing something. Like I should when I have energy, I feel like I should make up for all times that I was too anxious or depressed or just down, to do. But those days that I was feeling that way, they’re gone, there may not even be a point in doing the things I was supposed to do, because it’s past a deadline or I didn’t follow up with someone that I should have. So, today really isn’t a lazy day, but it’s also not, not a lazy day. If that makes any sense at all.

I’ve made the decision to pre-write some posts, because it does make me feel kind of accomplished, and it gives me a creative outlet. So if the tenses or times are weird in later posts, that’s why. I really want to take a nap, but that’s not a good idea, because whenever I take a nap I always feel worse after. So, I’m doing what I can to keep myself awake. It’s not like I haven’t been sleeping well, I’ve been sleeping pretty well considering all the emotions I’ve been feeling. It’s like I’m mini-cycling. As in, I’m bipolar, and I’m cycling but at a very minimal level. Like, I can’t find a happy medium, there is no neutral, it’s good mood or meh mood. Maybe I’ll write a post about being “meh”…time will tell. Regardless, I don’t necessarily feel bad today, but I’m also not in a good mood. I’ve been up since 5:30 am, I would usually exercise a little bit, but not this morning because I was having stomach pain last night, and I didn’t want to push it. So, I stretched, made coffee, scrolled through socials, had a phone session with my doctor. I mean, when I look at it on paper, it seems like I got a lot done. Especially for someone coming out of a severe depression, but I feel like it’s not enough. Because after the phone session I really didn’t do anything.

So the question is: lazy daze? or nah?

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It’s Been Awhile/Tough Love

Hiiiiii. I know, it’s been a minute I posted, but lots of things have happened. I don’t even know where to start. I’ll just start with the more recent events and as things come to me, I’ll write them down. So, until about two weeks ago I was severely depressed. The days were just running together. I was having dark thoughts, I wasn’t eating, I was weepy and apathetic. The usual. Also, I was isolating (as much as I could) in isolation. I would sit on the couch away from my boyfriend, and just stare at the TV, nothing made me happy. Then flashback to two weeks ago, my boyfriend brought me back to reality, he said what I needed to hear. They may not have been things I wanted to hear, and I cried, but it snapped me right out of the depression. He basically said that my perspective was too focused on myself, I know, I know, it sounds like it could be mean or unnecessary. He said it with love though, it was tough love for sure, but it was loving. I’m so lucky to have him, and that’s even an understatement.

I’ve lost count of the days we’ve been in isolation, they’re all running together. Like this morning, I was texting my best friend and I honestly thought today was Wednesday. When I was depressed, I lost all inspiration. I should have been posting on social media for the business, but I just couldn’t, I wasn’t able to choose what I wanted to post or how to word it, so I figured there was no point. Because of the virus things had slowed down for business. Which was irritating because we had just started to gain momentum, followers, people buying the coffee, events, but that all stopped. So, what are you supposed to do when that happens? We tried to do what we could to keep busy, but when there comes a point where you can’t create things to do anymore, there’s nothing you can really do. Positive thinking was not on my mind when quarantine started, I was scared of the uncertainty of the world around me. I spiraled.

The last two weeks have been much better, I changed my thinking. For example, when I say that I feel bad, I just think to myself that “you feel bad right now, and that’s okay because this won’t last forever.” So basically, if you get knocked down, or feel bad or anything negative, you can sit with that and feel that, but you can’t live there. I’m not trying to say, if you feel bad you can just pull yourself out of it. We’re all different, what mindset works for me, may not work for you. I may be able to say those things to myself and accept my feelings, but maybe you can’t. That’s okay, find something though, find something to believe in.

Speaking of things to believe in, I’ve been trying to become my spiritual, and find my path to something more concrete to believe in. I don’t mean concrete in the sense that I want a strict religion to follow, I just want some loose guidelines. The path I have chosen to explore is paganism and wicca. I’m still learning and reading, watching videos, and just finding out what they believe and how they embody their beliefs. I’ve found that you can practice in your own specific way, in private or openly, there is the Wiccan Rede, which is something that attracted me to it, it aligned with my beliefs. It’s like I was looking for something, and I believe I found it for a reason. I won’t go into it too much though. I’m still exploring.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading. I actually decided to read a book about the basics of physics, and I found it very interesting. I’m also in the middle of a book about the actual existence of Atlantis, which is something I’ve always wanted to read up on. Also, I’ve actually chosen to read a philosophy book. I took a lot of philosophy courses in the past semesters, and I was forced to read philosophy, but I’ve somehow found an interest in it, where I actually want to read it. It’s different when you have the ability to choose to read about a subject, then when you are given the material to read, when you’re told, you must read this to pass this class. I actually took the semester off to work on the business, and then COVID-19 hit. Which now that I’m writing, this time off has given me the opportunity to study and explore and just find passions.

Well, I think that’s it for now. If you read this whole rambling thing, I thank you. I promise I will try and write more. Let me leave you with this: Go out and explore everything. By go out, I mean read books or watch videos about things that you’re kind of interested in, you never know what type of passions you’ll find.

Hey Little Fighter, Things will get Brighter

I’ve been doing a lot of research into mental illness recently. Bipolar disorder, PTSD, and anxiety mostly. I’m not sure why now and not before. I also constantly feel like uncontrollably sobbing most of the time. Let’s just say that I’m feeling a lot of emotions right now. I’ve been doing all this research and I’m not really sure what I’m looking for, as if I’m searching for answers that I know don’t exist. Because what I feel is so personal, and raw, like people can relate, but no one feels the exact same way as I do at any given time, and I can’t always explain what I feel. It’s all very frustrating.

I haven’t been able to blog because I’ve been searching for these answers that can only be found in the depths of my mind. I keep thinking and thinking, I can feel my soul be suffocated, but I can never reach the answers I’m looking for. Mostly because I can’t figure out what question I’m asking on any given day. I just know I’m tired, exhausted, of my mind being at war with itself. Going through these flashbacks, which have thankfully subsided, has put a toll on me, like, it’s hard to figure out reality and memories, what’s now and what is history. So, there was that, now I’m just lost. My brain can’t handle much these days. I haven’t been able to work a full day of work, I’ve been isolating and spending a lot of time curled up on our tiny couch in our tiny living room, where it’s cozy and safe. I constantly have to remind myself that I’m safe, and what happened wasn’t my fault.

I didn’t do anything wrong, so why am I suffering?

I just don’t understand. My soul and mind can’t take it. The only reoccurring thought I have is that, I don’t want to die. I’m feeling a lot of fear right now, and it’s smothering me. I’m scared mostly of becoming suicidal and having to go back to the hospital. I don’t know why I feel like that if all I keep saying is that I don’t want to die. Like, that’s the opposite of what I’m truly afraid of. So I don’t know why I’m so distressed. My therapist says I’m fearing fear itself right now, because I also keep thinking about death.

All I think of when I think of being afraid of fear itself, I think about Harry Potter, when Lupin tells Harry that he’s afraid of fear itself because he’s afraid of the dementors, which are the guards of the wizard prison azkaban, and they feed off happiness and suck out peoples souls. Lovely image, right? I suppose that’s the point. Anyway, that’s how I feel, like a dementor is here sucking the life out of me.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, like I said, just sob uncontrollably until there’s no more tears left. I feel like that’s not possible though. I feel like I don’t know what I feel. I feel like I don’t know anything. I’m searching for answers to nothing, answers to a question that my soul is asking that I can’t make out. I suppose if I want to know the question, I have to get down and dirty with my feelings. I have to take a deep dive, take a break, and nourish my soul. It needs to be cared for now more than ever.

Also, on a positive note, it’s my birth-month. I LOVE my birthday, like I really love it. As soon as August hits I start my count down. Now it’s the 7th and I could care less about turning 25, a few weeks ago I was so exited and planning my trip to Salem, MA (where my boyfriend and I will be spending most of my birth-week). Now, I just feel like I’m struggling to get through the day. I’m just tired and over these emotions and I just want to give up. I won’t though. I’m in this for the long haul and I will walk through the fire, or I will rise from it, like a phoenix.

 

Life Can’t Always be Fair

I can’t seem to get up the energy to even open my computer and type a post. So I’m doing this from my phone. I’ve been suffering from PTSD flashbacks for the past week and it’s been super hard on me. I keep reminding myself that what happened wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t do anything wrong. It doesn’t make things any easier though. I’ve just been crying so much and just all around upset a distressed.

I’m just so tired of crying and suffering over something that wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong, so why am I the one suffering? It’s a question I’ll never get an answer to. The flashbacks are mostly shadows or words. They were super vivid on Monday, the vibrancy has subsided though. But the frequency has increased. I’m just over it. Just stop the world, I want to get off.

My therapist says I have to stay distracted until the flashbacks subside, but nothing seems to be keeping my attention. I find some solace in music and reading. Listening to John Mayer and Dawes, rereading Harry Potter. But it doesn’t last. I’m only truly comfortable on our loveseat in the living room where I can curl up and just be. Just let existence wash over me and around me. Like I don’t have to deal with the read world for a little while. Just plug in and tune out for a little while.

I don’t want to say this is my new normal, but I don’t really know much about PTSD, only what I’ve read over the last week. But it seems like this could go on for a little while. It’s not a cut and dry type of thing, where you can get meds what will make it stop (mostly) not like with my bipolar. I’m also doing everything I’m supposed to be doing, according to all the websites I’ve read anyway. So, what are you supposed to do when what’s supposed to help, doesn’t? You just fight through I suppose. I’m just tired of fighting. I feel like I’m fighting with my own mind everyday and it’s exhausting and I’m over it. I don’t know what else to do. I just know that this whole situation isn’t fair. I’m the one dealing with the fall out and my family and friends don’t know what to do or what to tell me. It’s just not fair.

Like I know, they always tell kids, life isn’t fair. But no one deserves to have to suffer this way. No one.