Hey Little Fighter, Things will get Brighter

I’ve been doing a lot of research into mental illness recently. Bipolar disorder, PTSD, and anxiety mostly. I’m not sure why now and not before. I also constantly feel like uncontrollably sobbing most of the time. Let’s just say that I’m feeling a lot of emotions right now. I’ve been doing all this research and I’m not really sure what I’m looking for, as if I’m searching for answers that I know don’t exist. Because what I feel is so personal, and raw, like people can relate, but no one feels the exact same way as I do at any given time, and I can’t always explain what I feel. It’s all very frustrating.

I haven’t been able to blog because I’ve been searching for these answers that can only be found in the depths of my mind. I keep thinking and thinking, I can feel my soul be suffocated, but I can never reach the answers I’m looking for. Mostly because I can’t figure out what question I’m asking on any given day. I just know I’m tired, exhausted, of my mind being at war with itself. Going through these flashbacks, which have thankfully subsided, has put a toll on me, like, it’s hard to figure out reality and memories, what’s now and what is history. So, there was that, now I’m just lost. My brain can’t handle much these days. I haven’t been able to work a full day of work, I’ve been isolating and spending a lot of time curled up on our tiny couch in our tiny living room, where it’s cozy and safe. I constantly have to remind myself that I’m safe, and what happened wasn’t my fault.

I didn’t do anything wrong, so why am I suffering?

I just don’t understand. My soul and mind can’t take it. The only reoccurring thought I have is that, I don’t want to die. I’m feeling a lot of fear right now, and it’s smothering me. I’m scared mostly of becoming suicidal and having to go back to the hospital. I don’t know why I feel like that if all I keep saying is that I don’t want to die. Like, that’s the opposite of what I’m truly afraid of. So I don’t know why I’m so distressed. My therapist says I’m fearing fear itself right now, because I also keep thinking about death.

All I think of when I think of being afraid of fear itself, I think about Harry Potter, when Lupin tells Harry that he’s afraid of fear itself because he’s afraid of the dementors, which are the guards of the wizard prison azkaban, and they feed off happiness and suck out peoples souls. Lovely image, right? I suppose that’s the point. Anyway, that’s how I feel, like a dementor is here sucking the life out of me.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, like I said, just sob uncontrollably until there’s no more tears left. I feel like that’s not possible though. I feel like I don’t know what I feel. I feel like I don’t know anything. I’m searching for answers to nothing, answers to a question that my soul is asking that I can’t make out. I suppose if I want to know the question, I have to get down and dirty with my feelings. I have to take a deep dive, take a break, and nourish my soul. It needs to be cared for now more than ever.

Also, on a positive note, it’s my birth-month. I LOVE my birthday, like I really love it. As soon as August hits I start my count down. Now it’s the 7th and I could care less about turning 25, a few weeks ago I was so exited and planning my trip to Salem, MA (where my boyfriend and I will be spending most of my birth-week). Now, I just feel like I’m struggling to get through the day. I’m just tired and over these emotions and I just want to give up. I won’t though. I’m in this for the long haul and I will walk through the fire, or I will rise from it, like a phoenix.

 

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Tuesdays Take you Down the Rabbit Hole

This is essentially how I feel today. Like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.

I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. Just falling, we’ll fluctuating, but it feels like I’m in a never ending spiral. I just feel so lost and like I’m not on stable ground. I’m not neutral, but I’m not down, it’s some middle ground and I keep going between the two.

You know when you learned about waves in school? Like UV rays and microwaves and stuff? You had to learn the length and the frequency and all that? That’s how I see myself right now. And the frequency is high, I would say rapid cycling, but there’s no aspects, no hints, of mania.

So, down, down, I fall. I wish I would hit the ground so I could know what to do or where to go. In this state though, there’s no meds to adjust, I feel like there nothing I can do, but ride it out. I try all my coping skills, I try everything, and nothing helps. It’s just uncomfortable. I don’t know how to explain this discomfort, but I do know that I keep rocking back and forth when I’m sitting or laying at home. According to my therapist it’s self soothing, but it’s not good. At this point, it’s the only thing that helps.When I’m at work, I want to go home, but when I’m home, I just want to be somewhere else. I don’t mean like isolate and abandon, I’d want my family, friends, and pets with me. I just don’t want to be here anymore, like in this physical location. I just don’t know, I feel like I don’t know anything.

I just want to feel better, I’m not sure where to go from here. Since I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to leave the house. Taking the dog out is even a struggle, something I dread. I love my dog though. I just don’t really feel anything, but sadness, anger, and irritation. I can mask all I want, but if I do that, people won’t know that I need help, but even then, how can they help me if I can’t help myself?

So I’ll do what I can to find solid ground for now, to stop feeling this feeling of falling, being in constant flux, and just feeling so lost.

The East End in July

I don’t spend a lot of time all the way out on the east end of Long Island (i live closer to the middle) especially in the summer. Today was one of the days though, that I decided to venture out the the lavender fields in East Marion. My, my, what an experience. It was just a perfect morning.

I packed up my boyfriend and the car, as if we were going on a road trip, and off we went. My parents were going to meet us out there. (I’m also one of those people who likes to be over prepared). Anyway, we ventured out and drove, and drove. We stopped for coffee at one of my favorite shops, which was packed, which I thought was just giving me an idea of how the day was going to go, but boy was I wrong.

We made great time out to East Marion and there was practically no one at the lavender fields. It was the perfect morning. The sun was shining it wasn’t too hot, it was just right. So we paid the fee to get in (yes, there’s a $9 fee to get into a lavender field, but trust me it’s worth it). Then we started meandering our way around the fields, there’s probably about 4-5 acres of lavender, it wasn’t fully bloomed, but it was still beautiful and if you like the smell of lavender, this is your type of place. There’s English and French lavender and it’s just a sea of beautiful flowers. And of course, purple is my favorite color sooooo, I was obsessed.

I always see people taking the cutest pictures in this field and they always look so amazing. So, of course, I made my boyfriend take a million and one pictures. And it was just the best day.

Let me just add some stuff about my mental state. This was a day that I needed. We left at 8:15 and we were back by 1:15, there was barely any anxiety, and it was just perfect. I knew what to do to minimize my anxiety, but still be able to go and do something I really wanted to do. So, I made the plans and just did it. My strength outweighed the panic today.

Another thing (I know this post is like a million years long) is that I wore shorts and a crop for the first time since I put on the medication weight. I’m not the biggest fan of my body, but I’ve been reading a lot about body positively lately. So I decided, eff it, and I wore the cute outfit. I cringed at the pictures a little bit, but the memories that were made today is why really matters, so I posted the pictures.

That’s my story for the day, it was a beautiful Sunday, in my beautiful life, and I’m the luckiest girl in the world. So, is it worth it, you ask? Going to the east end in the summer? Yes. But be sure to plan it properly, trust me.

Plan your escape

It’s a slow day at work today. I’m by myself, doing nothing, so I figured I’d write a post. It’s been awhile. Basically, I’ve been feeling good. Well more like neural, no waiting for the other shoe to drop kind of good, but just chilling good. It’s amazing. I haven’t felt like this in forever.

Anyway, I switched from adderall to vyvanse, so far so good. By that I mean I just switched yesterday morning and nothing bad has happened yet. Sooo yeah, I’m pretty happy about it.

I’m working today, I’m very proud of myself, I’ve only taken one day off in the last four weeks and I didn’t leave early any days. Like, who am I? The queen of “not feeling well” to the point where I would keep myself from doing things, even working. I’m in a much better head space from a year ago. Why, I don’t know. I keep writing in my journal, that something isn’t clicking, but that’s the thing, I think things are clicking. Finally. So no symptoms are the best symptoms, right?

I guess to answer my own question, it’s a thin line. Sometimes you’ll get too comfortable with no symptoms and neglect yourself, sometimes you’ll focus on it too much and you won’t let yourself feel, what I would call, neutral. So I guess I’ve found the balance. I’m taking care of myself, the best I can, but, also doing the best I can, I’m aware. Aware of triggers, situations, my own anxiety. Mostly triggers. I’m thinking about it now. Like, if this situation is going to make me anxious, than I’ll handle it this way. Instead of blindly going in and hoping it’ll work out, that’s not how my brain works. I need to be prepared, always have an escape plan. Even if it’s just me telling someone that I “don’t feel well”, that’s my default. No matter what I do or where I go, I think I’ll always be the queen of “I don’t feel well”. It’s my roots. I used to have trouble describing what I felt, so I would just say that I didn’t feel well, because that’s all I knew. I knew I didn’t feel well, I couldn’t explain why or anything past that, that was my baseline. For a long time. How and why that changed was a force of nature and it just so happened that, that force was me. I thought it was meds or biology, but it was me.

I am the force of nature behind this change.

We are one

Don’t you understand that?

You hurt, I hurt. Your anxiety, is my anxiety. My heartbeats for you and yours for me. You don’t have to say it, I know. I know your looks and your actions. When you’re sad and you’re mad. I know you. We are one. My heart is yours. Your are that missing piece of my soul. What I’ve been searching for. You can tell how I’m feeling just by how I breathe. You can see right through to my truth. You are what I need. We are one. I would do anything with you. You want to take a leap of faith, I’ll do it in a heartbeat. You want to run, let’s go. You want to fight the good fight? I will put on my armor and stand next to you on the battle field. You are my world, sun, stars. You are everything. And we are one.