Comparison Muses

I’ve been having some issues with comparing myself with other people lately. When you see people achieving things that you thought you would have achieved at this point, it can hurt. I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but I feel like it’s a natural thing. The thing about comparison though, is that it’s a killer. Of self-esteem, sense of accomplishment, and your achievements. You start to think that your achievements suddenly aren’t good enough just because someone else did something more impressive. You start to feel good about yourself and what you’ve accomplished thus far, and then that’s not good enough. You feel like you should be doing better.

A few years ago it was seeing people get there bachelor’s degree or people getting engaged. Now it’s people getting their masters or doctorates and them getting married. Then you look at your life and feel so small and unimpressive. It hurts. I know it hurts to see other get what you want or what you thought you would have by now. (I’m crying as I write this). You start to wonder what decision you made to be where you are now, and why you’re not as far along as them.

I know I’m just as smart and I put in the work I need to do, plus some. At this point I thought my life would be much different. I would not change anything about my life. The choices I made, the experiences I had, and even my genetic code dictated my life. I made the choices I needed to make, hard ones, and easy ones. I still compare myself to other people though. It’s something I’m working on. I know I can’t measure my self-worth by what other people are doing or accomplishing. I can’t help it though. I can’t look at my like count on a picture on Instagram and be okay when someone is getting as many likes on a picture that’s the same as the number of followers I have. I mean, I have a pretty curated selection of followers chilling at a cool 199. Thats on my personal account. I have an account for this blog (@russoamy3) which I need to do more work on. I feel a lot better when I look at my feed there because I don’t follow anyone I know. Most people don’t even know I have a blog.

Anyway, I’m getting off track. Comparsion makes me sad. It’s that simple. I know other people probably look at my life and compare themselves, I’m sad for them too. I’m sad for all the people who have ever compared themselves to someone else based off social media. I wish it as easy as to say, just stop, but it’s not. I will say though, you are lucky to have the life that you have. You are a hard worker and will reach your goals. Just because you’re not on someone elses timeline doesn’t mean that you’re behind them. Give it time. Yes, certain times of the year you’ll feel not so great, like graduation time or wedding season. You are okay though. You are working on your own timeline and you’re doing the best that you can. I believe in you.

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Saturdays are for finding something to believe in

I’ve been writing in my journal all day, but I feel like I have no material for this blog. I’ve been missing posts which is something that I didn’t want to do. I’ve been letting my fear and anxiety get the best of me and I’ve essentially been hiding in my apartment. Nothing seems worth while, nothing sounds good or fun. Every little thing is a struggle.

All I feel is constant panic. Fight or flight, but the only thing I’m fighting is myself. Is this my new normal? Today I felt like everyone was doing something but me. As if, the world was moving, but I was standing still. Watching everyone from the outside while they move on and move along and I’m just stuck. I feel like I’m a horrible person and like I’m slacking in my life. I always say no to things, and I can never commit to anything or get anything done. I haven’t been able to work a full work week without taking a day off or leaving early, I haven’t signed up for classes yet, and it’s the middle of August. My biggest thing is avoidance. I do whatever I can to avoid the things that make me feel the way that I do, but it just makes things worse.

The only way out is though, is what I keep telling myself, but I feel like I’m not sticking to it. Like, I’m so busy trying to find a way around that I could already have dealt with some of my issues by now. It is what it is though. I am who I am. I have to stop with the negative self talk and saying that, I’m the worst or that I’m a horrible person. I know the truth is that I’m neither of those things. It’s just my own mind. I have to strengthen my mind to fight against these negative thoughts, so I can deal with them and try and have a more positive mindset.

I’m nervous for my birthday in Salem because I’m afraid my anxiety will ruin it and I won’t have fun. I have to have hope though, I have to believe something good will happen. That good things will come to me and I will thrive. It will happen, it’s just me against me. Nothing else, I’m what’s in my way. If I can learn to be better about negative self talk and my tendency to avoid my issues, I think I can go very far. I just have to believe. I have to believe in myself and trust my journey. I’m not a religious person, but I believe there is something out there that’s bigger than us. Even with all the self doubt, I have dreams and I have things I want to accomplish, and at the end of the day, I believe in myself.

I always do, I always will, and even when I forget, I still believe.