Anxiety Killed Sunday

If you saw Sundays post, I went on about how it was my lazy day and I could do anything. Well, I forgot about this little thing called anxiety. I wrote my post around 7:30 am and I thought, yeah today is going to be great. I didn’t think about anxiety. When I’m not doing things anxiety sets in. If what I’m watching isn’t interesting, anxiety. Try and read a book, I can’t focus, anxiety. Think about what else I can do, I think about every single way it could go wrong or make me anxious. So, I figured I would write. I took my anti-anxiety medication and waiting for it to kick in is the worst. I know it’ll help, but waiting for it to happen, it drags. I try and breathe, it feels like there’s a weight on my chest. I put on a podcast because it actually engages my mind. It’s not some mindless beauty video that doesn’t really peak my interest. I would get super anxious though if I tried to sit and watch a show on Netflix. I really feel like crying, but that will not be productive. So. here I sit, listening to my podcast, my mind racing. I forgot to do this, this past week, I have to do this today for work that I didn’t think about. Basically my Sunday is no longer mine. It belongs to my anxiety.

Now, I can think all I want about how I can feel better. They can be good ideas, but my anxiety will prevent me from doing them. I just can’t breathe. Maybe if I go outside and get some fresh air, but that involves me getting ready to go outside, and then I think about maybe I’ll have to interact with people. That is not something I can handle. My thing for work that I have to do usually doesn’t make me anxious, I can usually do it and be done. I’m self-conscious though, what if it doesn’t get likes, what if I just can’t do it. All I can think about is the negative things that are involved in what it takes to do the task. I can’t see the end goal and think about how I’ll feel when it’s done. I feel like I’ll do it and I won’t feel accomplished, so why even start?

I’m restless, I don’t even know how I’m sitting here writing this. I know I will get sucked into the couch if I stay there. I’ll feel even worse if I lay in the bed. What do I do? How do I feel better? Well, I’m not very good at self-care especially when I feel anxious. Maybe I need a routine specifically for Sundays. That is probably a good idea. It’s too late to do it today, but I can do it next week. It 12:53 and I’m not sure what I’m going to do with the rest of my day. I could let anxiety kill Sunday, but I could also not. We won’t find out until tonight.

At this point the anti-anxiety med has kicked in, and I feel a bit more relaxed. I need to take this momentum. Do tiny things. Eat, drink water, listen to podcasts instead of tv, and don’t panic. Now, none of these things may happen, maybe they will. But at this point, anxiety has killed my ideal Sunday and it has made me realize, that if I don’t have some sort of schedule for Sunday, anxiety will kill every single one.

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Progress is Progress

I’m writing this on Monday afternoon.

So, I woke up this morning exhausted, like a, let my crawl back into bed and be a sloth all day. AKA do nothing but lay on the couch and just watch youtube videos to my hearts content, maybe even take a nap. Normally, I would give into that, let me be a sloth today feeling, but today I didn’t. I got it together, did a workout, and did some blogging and researching. Even after coffee I was already convinced I was going to fall back asleep, and I was about to give in. Then something weird happened, I didn’t give in. I pushed myself to stay awake, even if I just sat on the couch and watched something random. I thought to myself, who is this person. In my mind I didn’t really recognize myself, in a good way though, because all these things are changes for the good.

It’s now 2:20 pm, I’m currently having an energy drink, which is something I rarely have. I feel energized and productive. I’ve noticed within myself some changes. The thing with me is though, that once I see change I’ll just take hold of it and just grind away. Then I’ll burnout and those changes would have been for nothing. It just makes me feel bad, because I look back and say, why couldn’t I keep up with that or if I had stuck with that I would be better.

So now I’m trying to slowly make progress. Like, add in small changes as time goes on, because if I try and implement them all at once, I’ll burn out. I want to start making in-depth weekly and daily to-do lists, I want to set goals that are achievable. I want to have things to show progress, to show how far I’ve come. I just want to be more organized. I actually envy the people that can do that. Have the ability to plan their own lives for maximum productivity and just can make a clear plan. I’m not saying I want a completely structured life, I can’t function that way. I need loose structure. I need to start loosely scheduling my days, slowly. I’m not going to jump in like I usually do and try and plan every little part of my life. I want to create healthy habits that will stick, not something I’ll do for a few weeks then get tired of it and stop. I’ve put in a lot of hard work so far in the past few weeks, I don’t want to lose that or lose the momentum.

I just have to commit, commit to adding one thing a week, just pick a goal during the week before, and implement it the next week. I’ve decided to start my weeks on Mondays, Sunday’s are for relaxing or as I like to call it slothing it. On that day, I give myself permission to do whatever I want. Not change out of my pajamas? Okay. Lay on the couch and watch beauty videos all day? Sure. Once Monday morning hits though, I get back into the routine. The mindset is still there, because I’ve given myself permission to take that time. I’m not taking that time because I’m lazy and I just don’t want to or I tell myself I’m just down and there’s no point. I’m not so far in that I just cannot take a day off in the middle of the week if I need to. Say I have stomach pain one day, I’m not going to do a full workout the next day, and that’s okay.

So, I’m trying to create a routine and become more organized, but for me, it’s a slow and steady transition. I have to accept that.