It’s Okay to Feel Okay

So, it’s Saturday afternoon. I’m roasting coffee for an order, it’s very warm and muggy on Long Island, and the apartment is even hotter. I was in distress because when it gets hot I’m more prone to migraines, and just like everyone else feels, I get very uncomfortable in general. Well, I found a fan on the top shelf of our bathroom cabinets, my boyfriend got it down. I went out to drop off a delivery and as I was driving back I felt that tinge of pain that is the beginning of a migraine. When I got home, he had set up the fan in the kitchen and I remembered that I had a nice cold celsius energy drink in the fridge. So, I’m standing here, drinking my cold drink, with the fan aimed at my back and youtube videos on, and writing. I am a happy camper. I don’t know that last time I said that. I used to say it a lot for small things, like, if I got ice cream on a random day, I would be a happy camper. Anyway, I’m comfortable and I’m okay. I am okay. I’m not saying I’m fantastic or anything, I’m just okay or neutral. I don’t know how long this will last so I’m going to take advantage of it.

I always have a post planned or have a seed of an idea planted in my head, but right this second I don’t. I’m just going to free write a little bit. Like I said, I’m roasting right now. The beans smell amazing and look even better. I’m happy with my work. There’s another bean I’m having a bit of trouble with, but I have confidence I will figure it out. I’m part of this blogger group on facebook and I keep seeing people posting this or that about their blog. My post about comparison is live by now, so you may know that I’m having some issues with comparing myself to others right now. Also, I’m what I like to call a “lurker” on Facebook. I don’t post too often, I don’t comment or like, I just fly under the radar. To the point where people rarely say happy birthday to me on my birthday. So, here I am seeing all these veteran and emerging bloggers come together and what am I doing? Comparing myself. This person writes 1000 word posts, on that same post I was following about word counts someone wrote “20 percent more than your competition”. I was a bit taken aback. Are we in this group to compete with each other or help each other? Who am I competing against? The only person I can think of is myself. I mean, of course there’s other blogs that are advertising and getting monetized, but I’m not there yet. At this point in my blogging career the only person I’m trying to be better than, is myself.

I have to learn to set reasonable goals for myself. Maybe one post I had during the week reached 1000 words or so. Maybe the next week I’ll aim for two posts with that many words. I mean maybe pretty loosely. I know what I’m capable of and I know what a reasonable goal for myself is. Other people set their goals based on their lives. What their everyday life is like. For example, I love blogging, but I have other priorities. I have a small business to run, I have things to do for school, and most importantly my biggest priority is my mental health. Besides my relationships with people and my animals, my mental health needs to take priority. I don’t know what these other bloggers are going through, I don’t know what they do besides blogging. Just like social media, you only see what they want you to see. I feel like I’m pretty open about my mental health and how it affects me. I don’t go much further than that though, which is why I want to add in some lifestyle here and there. I want to show you more than just mental health, because while it may be my priority, it’s not all that I am. Most of my weekly posts are pre-written, because when I do feel okay or have a spark of inspiration during my down time I want to take advantage of it. Which is why my weekend posts are written day of, I want you to see what I did this week and read my rambles about what I want to get done. Anyway, I’m going to go take advantage of feeling okay and just lounge around the apartment.

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Weekly Wrap-Up

It’s that time of the week. First things first, I think you should you that my dog is very happy right now. I just let her out of the room, I keep her in there while I work out in the morning. Anyway, she’s happy to be awake. Me? Not so much. I worked out and made coffee and now I’m here. So, how was my week? It was interesting. I had a kind of breakdown yesterday morning. I didn’t want my boyfriend to know I was crying, so I ran into the bathroom and started hysterically crying. I’m not going to get into the circumstances why that happened, but it did. It really exhausted me. So I had a mini self-care day. I showered and did my nails, and just let myself relax a little bit. That’s my version of self-care.

Anyway, the rest of the week, I didn’t cry besides yesterday, which in my book is a win. We only got one big order from our sale, which was kind of disappointing. I have to roast that today. I did not write my business plan like I had planned on doing. I also didn’t finish writing my work blog. I almost had a manic episode Tuesday morning. I also did tons of work yesterday after I cried it out. It’s funny how during the week I’ll think to myself, I need to write this in Saturday’s blog post, but when I sit here I can’t remember.

I think I’ll list somethings that I’ve been loving this week:

• I’ve been loving drinking our Ethiopian coffee. It’s always been my favorite, but I’ve been more mindful and actually being tasting the coffee. If that makes sense to anyone. I also love adding Ethiopian espresso into my regular coffee, with a splash of Silk Almond milk creamer (caramel). It’s just a perfect way to start my morning. If you want me to go more indepth about coffee and the different types we like, just let me know!
• Vans Gluten Free pancakes! They are an acquired taste, but they’re a good option if I want something quick that I know I’ll enjoy. They’re microwavable, so if you’re not crazy about microwaveable pancakes, then maybe skip these. I’m gluten free for health reasons.
• Talking to my animals as if they were people. I mean, I’ve loved doing for as long as I’ve had them. I have one cat named Bruce (after Bruce Wayne) and a dog named Roxy, but we call her a million different names, the most popular one is Peapie. As my boyfriend says “we only use her given name when she has done something that she shouldn’t have”. Which is very rare. Unless our neighbors dogs are outside, then it’s pretty normal. She doesn’t get along with other dogs. Anyway, I constantly love talking to them like they’re people. Oh! Also, they’re my boyfriends animals, we brought them up here two years ago from North Carolina. They quickly stole my heart and I adopted them as my own.
• Podcasts! I’ve been vibing podcasts for a few weeks now. I went through a phase where all I listened to was podcasts, then I stopped. Now I’m back. My favorites right now are: Start Inspired, I Weigh, Approachable, and very specific episodes of The Joe Rogan Experience. Now you may be asking yourself, how in the world do I listen to that many podcasts in one week? And my answer is, I am constantly listening to them. I listen to them while I workout, while I work, while I write, while I roast, and when I’m driving.
• Finally, Penny Dreadful. I just started it this week and I’m only 3 episodes in, but it is so good. Very intense and not for the faint of heart, but it’s really good and I highly recommend. I have to be in a specific mood to watch it though. If I’m anxious, I can’t do it.

Anyway, that’s just kind of a wrap up, I’m not sure if I’ll do this format every week I’m still trying to figure out this type of post. Have a great Saturday! I’ll see you tomorrow for another post of Sunday Rambles!

Weekly Wrap-up

Hi! This is the first day I’m writing a post that isn’t going to be a pre-written post. I’m going to try and make Saturday’s a weekly wrap-up, the keyword there is try.

Anyway, how was my week? It was okay. Which for me it a pretty good feat. My moods weren’t as erratic, I’ve also stuck to my routine for the second week in a row. I haven’t done all the things I wanted to add, like putting on makeup or drink more water. I think Thursday was the low point of the week, it was a wash. Even my boyfriend agreed, it was a wash for him as well. I also have some morning anxiety after my routine has wound down, the type of anxiety that’s like, if I get off this couch I’m going to have a panic attack. I would have something that I really wanted to do, but I would stay on the couch in my safe zone.

So yesterday was a long day. I had a lot of work to get done, but also things I wanted to accomplish on a personal level. I needed to just focus on work yesterday, I had a lot of work to do. I had to cut my personal stuff, which made me upset. It was what I had to do though. I have work that I have to do every day, but there are some days where there’s extra work, and I have to prioritize.

I really need to keep track of what I already posted through the week, so I’m not being repetitive. On my list of ideas for what to write about for my weekly wrap up, it literally says, what I did. I’m looking at it and thinking to myself, what does that even mean. I can’t even remember what day it is let alone keep track of everything I do.

Actually something I found this week that I’m thoroughly enjoying, it’s an energy drink. I hate energy drinks, they always make me feel sick because of the fake sugar. This one however, doesn’t make me sick, and it’s glorious. It’s called Celsius and honestly, it’s amazing. I’ve only tried two flavors, so I can only say that the watermelon flavor has my stamp of approval. So try it or don’t just figure I’d share. Another thing is that I’ve started reading another book called Average is the New Awesome, and so far it’s really making sense to me. I’m enjoying it so far. As I read more I’ll write something about it.

On the agenda for today is, to start working on our business plan, work on the blog post for work, and stay off my phone. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but I have no idea how to write a business plan so who knows how long it’s going to take. I have a very strong work ethic, so I’ll start and I’ll make it work.

I’m going to try and make my Saturday and Sunday posts real-time posts. So, stay tuned for tomorrow.

Another bipolar day

There seems to be a trend in my days, I wake up and feel bad, then I’ll have some medical marijuana and I’ll feel better, then a few hours later I’ll feel bad again. Then I’ll feel okay. It’s not mood swings, so it’s nothing serious it’s just very annoying. I mean it’s part of being bipolar I suppose. I just hate it. I hate being bipolar, some days I hate it more than others. Some days I hate it so much I cry. I feel so defeated from it. Like no matter what I do, how many meds I take or symptom management I do, I feel like it never changes. I was saying the other day, how I just take meds out of routine sometimes and I don’t even think about why I’m taking them. I don’t want to have to take all these meds, I also know I can’t go off them. I know people say that there are benefits to having bipolar, I’m assuming most of those people don’t have bipolar. Because I hate it. So much. It’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Why did it have to be me? I know it’s genetic, so I don’t actually have a say. 

I can accept that I have it, but I don’t have to like it. I don’t have to feel any way about it. I just have to deal with it and manage it. I didn’t have a choice in getting it, but I have a choice in how I deal with it. So, I will continue to take my meds and manage my symptoms. I’ll put my work in, because that’s the best chance I have of making my life liveable, to my personal standards. I’ve had to lower those standards though. Like, I’ve had to alter timelines of things that I want to happen. Living with bipolar isn’t easy. A lot of days I’m just sad or I just feel bad for no reason. There’s days I just need to rest and there’s days I have to push myself, then there’s days where I actually feel okay enough to choose to do things. Those days are few though, but they seem to be becoming more frequent. I’ve put alot of work in and it does show, I do see the changes, I really do, but some days my soul just hurts and I’m just tired. Tired of everything. So I just curl up in a ball and just not participate in life, and that’s no way to live, but it’s my reality. I have to pick and choose my battles, like what will I choose to do today, because I’ll have a list of things to do, but I’ll have to pick one thing because it’s too difficult to do more than that. 

Some days, I just can’t. I can’t be expected to do anything, the day is essentially just a wash. Nothing is going to get done. Then days like today, I had a wonderful time with my family, but just two hours or so, once I get home, I’m done for the day. Nothing else can be expected to be done. I’m just going to lay in my bed and try and avoid the bad feelings that are going to come. And sure enough, it happened, I came home and I felt like garbage. I hate it so much. I wish I wasn’t bipolar, but I am. I just have to deal the best that I can. 

Let the creativity flow a little bit, girl

I haven’t been feeling very creative lately. So I haven’t posted anything in a very long time. I don’t know, a lot has been weighing on my mind, and I haven’t been feeling the best emotionally and physically. I feel like I haven’t been connected to myself. I stopped writing all together and I haven’t been reading as much. So pretty much, all my inspiration has dried up. Until today. Today, I feel better. I feel like I’m in a good place right now. (Knock on wood).

I haven’t been as anxious lately, the source of most of my anxiety has been stemming from the fact that I have nothing to be anxious about. Like, I’m constantly looking for things to be anxious about. If that makes any sense. I have to learn to get over that, some way some how. I need to start living in the moment, not like being spontaneous, but just being. I decided to start weening myself off social media, because that’s a major part of my stress. I’m still in the stage of my life where I care what other people think of me. As if I need to curate all of these pictures to look like I have everything together. I feel like, once I learn to let that go, I’ll be able to find more peace within myself.

So today, I’m currently sitting in my best friends bed with her, helping her rebrand her business. We were brainstorming some ideas, and I said, we’re creative in different ways, which is 100% true, she paints and draws and makes jewelry. I’m more of a writer and an idea person. I can’t draw particularly well, but I love to write. Which shows how little inspiration and drive I’ve been having, since I haven’t even wanted to write, not pick up a pen, let alone blog. I want to get back into it though. I’ve missed this. Just sitting here and typing how I feel. I find it relaxing and just overall good for me.

At the end of August, I went to Salem, MA with my boyfriend. I thought being there would spark some type of inspiration, but it didn’t. I absolutely love Salem, but it didn’t spark enough inspiration in me to write. But I’m back now. I’m going to try and write more. Get back into it.

School started though, so I truly have to focus on that, but I want to write a little bit at least. I want to respark what I had inside of me over the summer. I helps having a very creative friend, and sitting here with her, is making the creativity flow a little easier.

I just want to take this chance to say how beyond thankful I am for my friends and family, my support system. I know my bipolar can have an impact on them, and they always stick by me. Especially through all the episodes, irrational thoughts, and anxiety.

I’m trying not to let the anxiety get to me or get me down. I know I just have to push myself a little bit more, but I also have to know my limits. Knowing when I’m doing too much and making myself overwhelmed, or just being in my head too much. I have to be more self aware and just be. In the moment, in a good mindset, just in a good place. And be able to accept that I’m not going to be anxious all the time, and I have to stop looking for things to be anxious about. I can’t let the disorder control me, because I control it.

Saturdays are for finding something to believe in

I’ve been writing in my journal all day, but I feel like I have no material for this blog. I’ve been missing posts which is something that I didn’t want to do. I’ve been letting my fear and anxiety get the best of me and I’ve essentially been hiding in my apartment. Nothing seems worth while, nothing sounds good or fun. Every little thing is a struggle.

All I feel is constant panic. Fight or flight, but the only thing I’m fighting is myself. Is this my new normal? Today I felt like everyone was doing something but me. As if, the world was moving, but I was standing still. Watching everyone from the outside while they move on and move along and I’m just stuck. I feel like I’m a horrible person and like I’m slacking in my life. I always say no to things, and I can never commit to anything or get anything done. I haven’t been able to work a full work week without taking a day off or leaving early, I haven’t signed up for classes yet, and it’s the middle of August. My biggest thing is avoidance. I do whatever I can to avoid the things that make me feel the way that I do, but it just makes things worse.

The only way out is though, is what I keep telling myself, but I feel like I’m not sticking to it. Like, I’m so busy trying to find a way around that I could already have dealt with some of my issues by now. It is what it is though. I am who I am. I have to stop with the negative self talk and saying that, I’m the worst or that I’m a horrible person. I know the truth is that I’m neither of those things. It’s just my own mind. I have to strengthen my mind to fight against these negative thoughts, so I can deal with them and try and have a more positive mindset.

I’m nervous for my birthday in Salem because I’m afraid my anxiety will ruin it and I won’t have fun. I have to have hope though, I have to believe something good will happen. That good things will come to me and I will thrive. It will happen, it’s just me against me. Nothing else, I’m what’s in my way. If I can learn to be better about negative self talk and my tendency to avoid my issues, I think I can go very far. I just have to believe. I have to believe in myself and trust my journey. I’m not a religious person, but I believe there is something out there that’s bigger than us. Even with all the self doubt, I have dreams and I have things I want to accomplish, and at the end of the day, I believe in myself.

I always do, I always will, and even when I forget, I still believe.

Life Can’t Always be Fair

I can’t seem to get up the energy to even open my computer and type a post. So I’m doing this from my phone. I’ve been suffering from PTSD flashbacks for the past week and it’s been super hard on me. I keep reminding myself that what happened wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t do anything wrong. It doesn’t make things any easier though. I’ve just been crying so much and just all around upset a distressed.

I’m just so tired of crying and suffering over something that wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong, so why am I the one suffering? It’s a question I’ll never get an answer to. The flashbacks are mostly shadows or words. They were super vivid on Monday, the vibrancy has subsided though. But the frequency has increased. I’m just over it. Just stop the world, I want to get off.

My therapist says I have to stay distracted until the flashbacks subside, but nothing seems to be keeping my attention. I find some solace in music and reading. Listening to John Mayer and Dawes, rereading Harry Potter. But it doesn’t last. I’m only truly comfortable on our loveseat in the living room where I can curl up and just be. Just let existence wash over me and around me. Like I don’t have to deal with the read world for a little while. Just plug in and tune out for a little while.

I don’t want to say this is my new normal, but I don’t really know much about PTSD, only what I’ve read over the last week. But it seems like this could go on for a little while. It’s not a cut and dry type of thing, where you can get meds what will make it stop (mostly) not like with my bipolar. I’m also doing everything I’m supposed to be doing, according to all the websites I’ve read anyway. So, what are you supposed to do when what’s supposed to help, doesn’t? You just fight through I suppose. I’m just tired of fighting. I feel like I’m fighting with my own mind everyday and it’s exhausting and I’m over it. I don’t know what else to do. I just know that this whole situation isn’t fair. I’m the one dealing with the fall out and my family and friends don’t know what to do or what to tell me. It’s just not fair.

Like I know, they always tell kids, life isn’t fair. But no one deserves to have to suffer this way. No one.

Quit Saying You’re Sorry (for everything)

I didn’t do anything wrong. So, why am I apologizing? I find myself asking this question a lot. Most of the time I think it’s to avoid an adverse reaction to whatever it is that I had done. I find myself apologizing for the most random things, like taking too long to bag my stuff at 7-11 when I bring my own bag. I wouldn’t call myself a passive person, but with the amount of times I say I’m sorry, you would think that I am.

I’ve been struggling the past few days, due to things out of my control, but the thing is, that my reaction makes the things worse. Most of the time I honestly don’t think I did anything wrong. I just don’t want to make waves, I don’t want to make things worse for a certain situation, so I say that I’m sorry when I shouldn’t. I think it’s because I want to save myself the trouble of cleaning up the mess of what ensues if I don’t apologize, or out of fear for what will happen if I don’t say it.

I have to learn that I can’t control what other people do or how they feel or how they react to something. I’m guilty of saying things without thinking, sometimes it warrants an apology, other times it really doesn’t, but I say it anyway. It’s something I have to work on, because instead of fully dealing with the situation, I stop it in its tracks and it just comes up again. I can save myself some trouble by letting the situation play out a little bit further, I suppose. I really just don’t know. The main thing is, like I just wrote, I cannot, under any circumstances control how another person reacts to something. Because everyone will react to something differently. I try to not let it get to me, but I can’t help it, I tend to take a lot of things personally, to not really have a thick skin.

I’m 24 I still have things to learn and things to figure out, it doesn’t help that I have Bipolar and anxiety. I feel like it just adds an extra layer to things, like I have to get past the layer of myself that deals with things on a bipolar level, then I have to deal with them on a level past that. It takes me longer to process things and I tend to feel things so deeply, I struggle with that a lot. Taking things to heart when I shouldn’t, even when people say what’s happening with them has nothing to do with me, I feel like it does. I don’t mean that in a self-centered type of way, more like, I did something wrong, it has to be why they’re feeling this way or that way.

Another feeling I feel very deeply, is guilt, I feel guilty about everything. Almost every word I say I feel guilty about, I’m always second guessing myself and I never actually get out what I want to say. So, I feel guilty about the wrong things. It really is just a mess that I’m in right now. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells, for no real reason in particular.

Saturdays are Boring (sometimes)

To say the least, today was boring. Nothing eventful happened, I pretty much sat around all day and did nothing. I mean, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s kind of odd for me. I wasn’t feeling well again, physically, my migraine has returned, no matter how much I drink I feel dehydrated, my head feels all fuzzy and cloudy. So, today was a good day to have nothing to do.

I did get my paycheck today though, I got paid on Thursday, my mom picked up my check yesterday, and I cashed it today. I should be happy, but I’m really not. I’m in a spending mood, and when I spend, I spend a lot. That’s me being slightly manic. My bipolar mind is telling me to spend allll the money, on alllll the things. What things? I have no idea, whatever it is, just buy it. I wish I wasn’t like that. One time when I was manic, I skipped class, went to the mall, and maxed out my credit card. Did I care? Not one bit. I wanted it, so I got it, that simple.

So, back to my boring day, it should have been relaxing. Like, nothing to do? Let me chill out. I am not good at relaxing. I’m in like this constant state of anxiety, on some level. no matter what, I’m anxious. This morning I was actually relaxed though, which is surprising because I get severe anxiety in the morning. Especially when I wake up too early, which was the case this morning. I’ve been up since 6. Luckily my dad got up at 7, so I was able to sit outside with him and read for a little while. It was beautiful out, I read some philosophy and we chatted, it was one of the nicest mornings I’ve had in a few weeks. Once it hit like 9:30 though, anxiety central. It was most likely do to that it was going to be super hot today, and as I’ve learned, I do not have a tolerance for the heat. There were errands I had to run, but I was afraid to go out and do them. I ended up going to the office with my mom,  my migraine got worse, as well as my anxiety. I finally was able to run my errands and by time I got back, my migraine was in full force, I couldn’t function, I wanted to cry.

I’ve been having a lot of physical ailments lately, not so much bipolar symptoms. Honestly, I’ll take it. Yeah, physical pain can get so intense, but people will sympathize. People won’t always understand or know exactly what to do when I bring up my bipolar symptoms as a reason for “not feeling well”, which is why I never say that’s why I’m not going somewhere or staying somewhere. It’s not easy carrying a single burden, mental or physical symptoms, but when you carry both, sometimes it’s too much. But, I’ll do what I always do, keep going.

Saturdays are for Showers

I hope you have a drink and a snack, this is going to be a bit of a long one. Sorry!

Today is Saturday, yas! It is currently 1:00 PM, nothing exciting is happening, yet. I woke up a little later than usual, made coffee and just hung around the apartment. I have no real plan of action today, I just want to get some blogging stuff done, because I still consider myself a new blogger. I’m doing research, reading as much as possible, and trying to find my way. I’m trying to not force it, just keep it light and easy. I am not really a light and breezy type of person when it comes to projects, I’m more of the type of person who needs to have everything perfect and very specific. This is a blog though, I want it to grow as I grow. I want to see it evolve with me.

The main reason I wanted to write today is to say that I’m having less and less symptoms everyday. The only thing that’s really lingering is anxiety. I’m trying to cut down on the amount of anti-anxiety medication I’m taking, I can’t seem to get away from it though. I try taking CBD instead, and sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. I try deep breathing, which also helps, sometimes. Now, everyone’s favorite suggestion to give me, including my therapist, is to take a shower. The thing is, I have shower anxiety. As in, I can’t be in the shower for too long or I start panicking, and as soon as I get out of the shower I have to take my anti-anxiety medication. For most people the steam feels good and helps them relax, but I feel like it’s suffocating me. As if I truly cannot breathe. It scares me. Therefore, I only shower once maybe twice a week, I know it seems like that’s too few showers, but the anxiety is too much. So, when I’m having an episode, I rarely take a shower and I wash my hair even less. I know the episode is particularly bad when I have to go to a salon and pay to have someone wash my hair. I haven’t had to do that in a while, and I don’t mind washing it as much since I cut off about 9 inches, but when I take a shower and I have to do a full shower routine, including shaving and washing my hair, my anxiety peaks.

The reason I have so much anxiety about taking a shower, is because when I was first diagnosed I would take a 45 minute shower. Curl up in a ball, and just bawl my eyes out, with the blazing hot water washing over me. I did this for years, especially when I was depressed or having a difficult day, and now my showers take maybe, 15 minutes, at the most. I’ve got my shower routine down, the thing that cut down on my shower time is that I don’t condition my hair in the shower. I buy a leave in conditioner that doesn’t need to be rinsed out, making it a lot easier on me.

I took a shower this morning, I didn’t wash my hair though because it is way too hot to leave my hair to dry. I’ll wash it in the morning when it’s cooler. I think this might be my new go to shower routine, shower one day, shave and such, then the next day I’ll wash my hair. I’ll have to see how that works out, because after this mornings shower, I actually felt okay, no anxiety or panic. So that’s my big accomplishment for the day, it may seem small, but anything I can do to combat my anxiety is a win.

Also, I ordered an Amazon Kindle Fire 8, it should be here any time now, but more on that tomorrow!